Things have come to a head today

[DollyDays]

Background- together 10 years, 2 dc.

Dp has a stressful job which can often include long hours. I'm a sahm. Dp works, and literally does nothing else. I don't mind this most of the time but I do expect a bit of help when he has a day off or if I've specifically asked him to do something.

He was off work sick for 2 months this year with stress related headaches. He had various tests and was finally given some tablets which after 2 days he stopped taking as they made him feel ill. He still hasn't been back to the GP to try another type as he went back to work and apparently can't take time off to go. This means he's still suffering with the headaches and is ill 90% of the time he's home.

This week I haven't been well. I have stomach problems and was literally doubled over in pain on Monday morning when he left for work. I then had to get do ready, take ds to school, drive to next town and decorate for mil (she's in hospital and I'd promised), stop to pick ds up, get home, cook, clean, homework etc all the while looking after ds2. Dp didn't come home that night as he worked late and was miles from home.

Yesterday, I did the same (had to finish the decorating) as well as shopping. When I got home with Dc I heard hissing from my tyre. Dp got home last night, said hello to us then lay on the couch with a headache. I put kids to bed then did Dp his tea, while he ate I asked if he could look at my tyre. He said yes, no problem. Later on in bed I reminded him and he said sorry, will sort in the morning. He got up and left for work before I was up and when I went to do school run tyre was completely flat.

This is already very long (sorry) so I won't list more examples but this is typical of him putting work before everything and everyone. He thinks I'm being unreasonable by getting pissed off when his work is so important but I'm so sick of us coming last. I have to get on with things when I'm ill and it feels like a piss take.

Don't know what I'm asking tbh, I'm just so fed up

His reaction is 'you're fucking unbelievable, you know how busy work is, when I come home I just want to relax'.

I don't expect him to do any general housework when he's been working btw. The 6 months I mentioned above includes the two months he was off.

Changing jobs would mean changing trades, he's done this line of work for 20 years so it isn't really an option. A similar role with a different company would be the same.

He says "you're fucking unbelievable" if you tell him you're relationship is struggling and you need to talk to him about how to stop that?

Or are you saying that response is for when you ask him to go something?

The latter - not good. The former - full on ultimatum and mean it.

So he can't change jobs. At present he can't fully treat his headaches. Those two things aren't variables. He's stressed , tired and in pain. You can't work as its not financially viable. So all you can do is try some kind of Rota whereby at weekend or whatever he takes over set in stone tasks such as bathing a child or whatever. he is clearly task driven so give him clear tasks that he can hope to achieve. I think its absolutely fair for him to relax after work but he can also make a token effort to do something if that is what will make you feel valued.

If I ask him to do something.
If I ask him can he put his phone down and talk to ds considering he hasn't seen him for 2 days.
When I say absolutely anything about his job/hours

Three I really don't want him to have a set chore, I honestly just want him to stop making promises he won't bloody keep and realise that his job actually isn't more important than his family and shouldn't always get priority.

But you yourself say he can't change his job OP, you say that to us, so what do you say differently to him that makes him react so aggressively?

Did he do this job when you met him? Bottom line is if you're really really not happy, what are you, yes you going to do? It doesn't sound like he can/will do anything about it. are you going to be a martyr to an unhappy situation or are you going to extricate yourself?

I wish you well OP but don't forsee a change unless you take a material change either by working too to redress the balance or ultimately leaving and meeting someone with a less demanding job who can devote more to home life with you.

If I said to him, word for word what I wrote in my last post his reply would be 'I don't fucking forget things on purpose, you know how busy work is. Work is priority. Do you want me to quit then and we'll lose the house?'

I know this because I have said it to him.

So he's being really honest there. So what are you going to do?

Set chores won't work, because that's not the problem.

He could commit to doing Sat night bath and stick to it perfectly.

But what you actually want (I think!) is a partner and father who then jumps up on Sun night and spontaneously joins YOU doing bathtime because he wants to spend the time with you / his child.

You can change the first thing, it's far harder to change the second.
(sorry to depress you)

Do you know, I'm not sure. But feeling like I mean nothing can't continue.

Pretty much cabrinha. I'd also like to not be called a nag when I ask things like have you made a Drs appointment yet? Have you found the house paperwork (that's in his work car somewhere) so I can arrange for the boiler to be repaired?

I'm torn on this one.

I work PT and I've been ill a lot. To an extent I do have to prioritise work when I can and home stuff (and me stuff like haircuts) gets dropped first. So of course kids have to be picked up and fed, but lately they've had to go to after school club and just had sandwiches for tea more than I'd like, had no input on homework etc etc. DH understands this and picks up the slack where he can, but he works long hours and he can't do it all. Work or illness does trump a lot of the home stuff at the end of the day, once kids are collected, fed something and occasionally given clean clothes. For example homework, other people's decorating, cooking, cleaning, getting kids to activities, walking to school over driving. It's not that these things don't matter, but they aren't absolutely essential on a given day.

Yes some different medication might help, but I have also been pretty useless around the house lately and when I get a migraine I can't just take a pill, I need to sleep. DH has been endlessly supportive and kind, and that makes a huge difference to me. If, instead, he were setting me extra tasks in the evenings and getting irate if I forgot them, the whole dynamic would be very different. Equally though, if I were trying to duck out of helping rather than doing my best to pitch in when I can, DH would quite rightly get resentful. From what you say about your DP never giving DS a bath I can see why you'd be firmly in that camp.

I'm not saying we or our relationship are perfect or anything, but I try to pitch in partly because I know DH does too, and he does because I do, and it works. Once one party feels the other is not doing their bit, they resent having to pick up the slack, and you can end up with a vicious circle of resentment. But some of the slack might need to be dropped completely, especially when you are both ill.

I think that a job change for him has to be an option. If not making him ill, it's contributing to his illness - you said things were better when he was off sick. It just about pays the bills, so it's not that it brings in megabucks. Which leaves 'it's what he's always done'. Sure, but look at the other points, plus the crapness of his part in your family life.

Of course that's not a change to be made overnight, but family life just isn't working like this. I think you need a serious talk where you spell out how unhappy you are and make him understand that key things have to change.

What do you think he'd do if you said 'yes' when he says 'shall I quit and then we'll lose the house?

Dolly

The fact it isn't a huge salary sort of job is actually pretty good news in some respects. It means there wouldn't have to be a huge lifestyle adjustment if the two of you managed to land non clashing part-time work with both taking stints as on duty for home and kids.

I do understand that it's not like part time jobs (in the right fields, for two people, with hours that allow them to avoid needing huge chunks of expensive childcare) grow on trees. But there is a much better chance of grabbing rare opportunities of that nature if they are being actively sought.

If there is a real risk that his stress headaches could end up pushing him out of his current role one way or the other, and any replacement full time job would have you both stuck in some sort of Groundhog Day rut.. with growing resentments on both sides, I'm not sure there is any way forward to a real solution without thinking primarily in terms of fewer working hours (possibly in a less specialised field) for him, and the difference made up by your earnings, that are earned while he is at home dealing with the house/kids.

The only other thing I can think of is that you go back to work full time, and he makes up the difference between your future full time wages and his current full time wages by him taking on a part time role outside your working hours, so that it doesn't get eaten by childcare costs.

I swear, if I thought it was just a case of him readjusting his attitude and expectations of you and everything would be alright, I'd say so. It's just what really sticks out from your posts is your descriptions that make his ongoing employment situation seem very precarious (because it is making him ill) Which leaves your family in a very insecure position.

You two are the experts of you two, none of us can hope to compete in terms of what is realistic and workable when confronted with the full picture of your circumstances. Is there any way the pair of you could sit down on a day when he isn't feeling quite as lousy as usual and brainstorm the fundamentals of what absolutely needs to shift (number of hours worked, type of work, something else that wouldn't occur to any of us etc.) and all the ways you can both think of as to how that could be made possible ?

Forgotten tyres/house paperwork and a lack of family time together are coming accross as symtoms rather than the root cause. And any enduring solution is probably going to have to be aimed at the root of major issues in order for it to have a fighting chance of clearing up the lingering symtoms that seem to be making both of you really unhappy.

You think his work takes priority over his family but do you honestly think that's how he sees it. I suspect that he thinks his priority is to provide for his family so you 'can pay the bills and survive each month'

Working long hours when you are prone to headaches and are ill most of the time to provide for your family is admirable.

The fact that he says he will do something then doesn't is less so

He sounds like he's useless in the house but when you heard the tyre hissing you should have taken it to a garage straight away.

But your Dh wasn't signed off with work related stress headaches was he

I wish it were only stress related headaches.

He's on antidepressants, has uncontrolled type 2 diabetes and has just been told that as a result his eyesight is damaged. He's on a cocktail of drugs for cholesterol and other medical issues and is only 41.

His job doesn't allow him to plan his hours or look after himself. He needs routine but he 'couldn't hack a 9-5 job' so his health is fucked and the only reason he can do it is because I absolve him of home duties. His resulting wage is not his motivation, just a result of his choice of work. His job is not best for the family but of course the defence for that was the resulting wage.

What's best for the family is a predictable job with predictable hours, taking half the home responsibilities and flexibility for me to be picky with my career too!

Fed up with the usual crap people come out with that workaholics and those doing their chosen career (that's the difference) justify ft it as doing what they do for the family. They don't! People without choice who work in something they hate doing long hours do it for the family. Like I did when we started out and I was doing 60 hours a week in a factory to support his apprenticeship. THAT was for the family!

You've surrendered a lot of power to this man and unfortunately you're feeling the effects. You can't make him change if he doesn't want to and handwringing and martyrdom is not going to change your situation.

It's time to start getting yourself out of the corner you've manoeuvred yourself into, by acknowledging your contribution to the imbalance in your relationship. I've been there and you're not a SAHP, your are a single parent in a relationship and there's nothing lonelier. You need to start thinking about your future and having contingencies in place (retraining, pt job etc), that in the event of a relationship breakdown or his incapacitation, you'll have options.

My Ex used to use his important job as an excuse and a justification; despite our split, him paying no maintenance and infrequent contact with DD, he was still trotting out the benefits to both me and DD of his very important job.

Stop waiting for him to be different.

OP, the posts in this thread are a bit harsh in places but hopefully you will find the thread thought provoking. It's one of those situations where it's not possible to know what's actually happening unless you are there. We can't possible have enough information from a thread.
A PP made this point earlier.

It sounds like he genuinely doesn't remember things which I think is quite normal when you have a lot going on at work.

I don't see an issue with him not going back to the doc if he is waiting for an MRI scan - he will obviously be worried that it is something serious and all manner of things will be going through his head. I would guess worrying about a flat tyre would be below his health in his list of thoughts.

Your tyre was flat - go change it yourself instead of waiting on your DP to come home and do it.

Are you not worried about his health? What are you doing to support him? If you worked he might feel like not everything is on his shoulders - maybe he doesn't want the burden of everything resting on his shoulders and him being solely responsible for the families finances.

You don't work. Sort the tyre yourself. You are not last on his list. He's working himself in to an early grave to house and feed you. You who doesn't bring any money to the table. AARGH !!!!!!! fuck off Ilive

your tyre was flat - go change it yourself instead of waiting on your DP to come home and do it I heard the tyre hissing when I got home at 5pm with both do after shopping. There was nothing I could do at the time as I had to get them in and fed so when Dp arrived home 45 minutes later I asked him and he said yes.

Repeating myself again but I did sort the bloody tyre myself!!

Are you not worried about his health of course I am.
What are you doing to support him every other fucking thing you can think of other than go to work. This includes making his bloody Drs appointments in the first place.
If you worked he might feel like not everything is on his shoulders please see my previous posts that explain how we would be worse of financially if I worked.

To everyone else, thank you for the input. If he decides to come home at any point I will talk to him.