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Relationships

Things have come to a head today

114 replies

DollyDays · 09/12/2015 22:02

Background- together 10 years, 2 dc.

Dp has a stressful job which can often include long hours. I'm a sahm. Dp works, and literally does nothing else. I don't mind this most of the time but I do expect a bit of help when he has a day off or if I've specifically asked him to do something.

He was off work sick for 2 months this year with stress related headaches. He had various tests and was finally given some tablets which after 2 days he stopped taking as they made him feel ill. He still hasn't been back to the GP to try another type as he went back to work and apparently can't take time off to go. This means he's still suffering with the headaches and is ill 90% of the time he's home.

This week I haven't been well. I have stomach problems and was literally doubled over in pain on Monday morning when he left for work. I then had to get do ready, take ds to school, drive to next town and decorate for mil (she's in hospital and I'd promised), stop to pick ds up, get home, cook, clean, homework etc all the while looking after ds2. Dp didn't come home that night as he worked late and was miles from home.

Yesterday, I did the same (had to finish the decorating) as well as shopping. When I got home with Dc I heard hissing from my tyre. Dp got home last night, said hello to us then lay on the couch with a headache. I put kids to bed then did Dp his tea, while he ate I asked if he could look at my tyre. He said yes, no problem. Later on in bed I reminded him and he said sorry, will sort in the morning. He got up and left for work before I was up and when I went to do school run tyre was completely flat.

This is already very long (sorry) so I won't list more examples but this is typical of him putting work before everything and everyone. He thinks I'm being unreasonable by getting pissed off when his work is so important but I'm so sick of us coming last. I have to get on with things when I'm ill and it feels like a piss take.

Don't know what I'm asking tbh, I'm just so fed up Sad

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Morganly · 09/12/2015 23:14

Lots here.

He's being idiotic not sorting out his health. Taking tablets for two days and then stopping and not going back to the doctors is stupid. However, if the mri scan is coming up, that may get you somewhere.

Doing your mother in laws decorating while you are ill is also stupid. You just say, sorry, I'm ill, I'll do it when I'm better. But actually, if you are this overworked and under supported, don't even promise/offer to do major tasks for other people.

You could go back to work if you wanted to. The childcare costs would not be yours to pay alone. They are a family expense and would come out of the family money. But if you don't want to that is equally OK. It might be good for you to have a life outside your family though as you sound ground down. You need something that you do that is for you and isn't about looking after your husband, children and mother in law etc.

I completely understand how you feel about the tyre. You asked him to do one thing to help you out and he wouldn't do it.

Have you thought about some counselling? Either for yourself to explore how to stand up for yourself and live a more fulfilled life or as a couple to see if you can rebuild a more supportive relationship. Don't say you can't afford it. If he's working this hard there has to be financial compensation and you should get equal access to those finances as it is you holding it all together at home that is enabling him to work the hours he does.

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Hillfarmer · 09/12/2015 23:16

He should give a shit by getting himself to a GP.

He is being selfish and arrogant feeling indispensible at work and then wrecking family life when he is at home. OP, give him an ultimatum to go to a doctor and get himself sorted out as it is completely unfair to inflict this on you and the dcs. Fine if his aversion to going to a doctor affected no-one but him, but why should his whole family have to suffer this as well.

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DollyDays · 09/12/2015 23:18

It's not rocket science to go to a garage and get a new tyre.

Of course it isn't, and I did it myself today. My point is he said he'd do it.

Like I said before, is love to be working but then I'd still be doing all of the child related things, housework, shopping, admin etc. Plus have a job and have the added stress of being worse off financially. I haven't written off working at all but my youngest is only 2 so he doesn't even get 15 free hours yet. Believe me, it's fucking soul destroying feeling like you're nothing more than a mother and a skivvy. Oh, and a nag of course if I dare ask my partner if he'd mind lifting a finger.

My mother isn't local, I mentioned my mil who isn't well enough to look after dc.

I appreciate the replies btw, I know I sound defensive but I am taking it all on board. Im just bloody knackered.

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Threefishys · 09/12/2015 23:19

joysmum I made the martyr comment. As I've stayed before in the thread I've been there - the lifestyle didn't suit me so I divorced him. However its worse now insofar as my life still revolves around his work as he doesn't not cover any childcare at all I do everything. So if OP wants to stay with her other half she needs to realise its not a contest between who does most. He supports his whole family in a job that is making him ill. Op says working herself isn't an option. So some compromise and understanding is in order.

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Joysmum · 09/12/2015 23:22

He gives a shit by solely supporting his family in a job that is actually making him poorly

Oh and that's something I used to think until I wised up Wink

My DH would have you believe that he threw everything into his career 'for us'.

BULLSHIT!

I ask him if he didn't have us, would he be doing less hours and be less ambitious or working in another job?

That pulled him up short! Of course he wouldn't Wink He is doing the job he loves and able to throw himself into it fully because I work my life round him so he can do what he wants to do.

It was a wake up for him and for me. No more guilt from me that he was doing it 'for us' and he didn't have that excuse anymore knowing we wanted him home and knowing we didn't want or need him to earn more or be more senior. Us both recognising that redressed the balance and was the start of a better home life.

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Threefishys · 09/12/2015 23:23

But your Dh wasn't signed off with work related stress headaches was he

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Threefishys · 09/12/2015 23:24

So slightly different scenario.

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Cabrinha · 09/12/2015 23:26

Ah, sorry - assumed your mother was local enough for emergency help due to the decorating thing.

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Threefishys · 09/12/2015 23:28

It's her mil not mum Cabrinha

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Threefishys · 09/12/2015 23:30

Ps Cabrinha I'm agreeing with everything you're saying - very balanced view.

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Cabrinha · 09/12/2015 23:30

Mother / mother in law...
Same relationship with the kids!
Someone who can cover occasional inset days or ill child emergencies.

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Cabrinha · 09/12/2015 23:31

And I you, threefishys!

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DollyDays · 09/12/2015 23:33

Mil has dementia.

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Cabrinha · 09/12/2015 23:34

OP, I can't quite work out if he is always like this, even when not working long hours.

Some things you say, he sounds like an over worked man who can't delegate and is ill from the stress of it all.

Other things you say, like about making you a nag if you ask him to pull his weight, make me think he's always like this and always has been.

The former I think it's worth working on this. The latter and I think I'd break up with him.

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Cabrinha · 09/12/2015 23:35

Right, MIL no help then. Sorry to hear about her condition.

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ClancyMoped · 09/12/2015 23:35

I agree with ThreeFishys line of thought (although her posts seem unnecessarily harsh Confused ). Your DH is working hard and is suffering from headaches - that must be awful, really, really awful. If he is waiting for an MRI then maybe that's why he hasn't gone back to the Doctors.

That said there has to be a balance and you should both be wanting to help each other and he should have recognised that you were also feeling sick.

My DH has always had a full on job which meant long hours and lots of travel. I've always looked after the house and kids and done everything to keep weekends free for all of us to relax and enjoy family time. There have been times when I've had to work hard for what seems like very little gain but my DH has always appriciated me as I have him.

If your DH were to write a AIBU tread do you ever wonder what he would write?

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Threefishys · 09/12/2015 23:40

clancymoped it may be coming across a bit harsh its just I feel that its best to say it straight. I genuinely don't think the OP other half is doing anything wilfully not conducive to the relationship I just think he's overworked and poorly and probably feeling exhausted and crap not just for a little while but over months and months and months. As ever, communication is the key isn't it.

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DollyDays · 09/12/2015 23:41

He's worse during busy periods but generally it's all the time. The getting money out thing wasn't during a busy time. Ds1 is 5 and Dp has never given him a bath. He's loaded the washing machine once in the past 6 months and never used the dryer. Most of this I'm fine with, I expect to do the majority of things as a sahp but on the odd occasion I ask for something I don't think it's unreasonable to actually have it done.

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Threefishys · 09/12/2015 23:41

clancymoped I also think your question "what would your DP write" is a thought provoking and very valid question.

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DollyDays · 09/12/2015 23:44

Re the mri, this was apparently asked for at the very beginning when he started having tests. After everything else came back negative his GP said it was most likely stress related and gave him some sort of anti anxiety medication. He rang the GP to say he was feeling ill with the meds and was told to stop taking them and make another appointment. This was in October.

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Threefishys · 09/12/2015 23:45

Do you think if he was well things would be better? You say he's poorly 90% of the time.

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Atomik · 09/12/2015 23:47

I have nothing against being a SAHP. I was one when DS was a smallie. But... I don't think a high stress, all consuming job is compatible in the longer term with somebody who has stress headaches to the point it is flooring him for two month and doesn't get along with the medication perscribed.

What the future might hold is the need for 2 parents working two jobs to avoid the well paid sort that can come complete with debilitating stress levels.

The thing is, you may not know your family is at the point where that is going to have to be the new reality until he keels over, or throws in the towel, or gets booted because the company feels his health makes him a liability.

It might be worth getting your work ducks in order in advance, so if the shit does hit the fan, the transition won't be quite such a shock to the system.

As much as I'd like to say everything will be alright and just some renegotiation over the divvying up of home/child tasks will make things right, that doesn't sound like the core issue in your home. It's more that the set up you 2 have right now just doesn't sound sustainable for all that much longer.

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Cabrinha · 09/12/2015 23:51

So what have you said to him so far, and how has he reacted?

For example, about the not doing things when occasionally asked?

I'm going to get torn a new one for this...
I'm a single parent but if I worked long hours (oh I do, as it happens) and I had a SAH partner, I'd probably not think to do the washing ever either - I'd see it as their job. As long as that's the set up we'd agreed to or fallen into.

I wouldn't be throwing my weight around saying "I earn, you must wash my shirts" - but I simply wouldn't think of putting a load on.

Of course if my partner went out on a Sunday morning and said "can you stick the whites on?" I'd do it without any thought at all.

So if he just doesn't do washing - that wouldn't bother me.
But if he had an attitude about it and refused when asked, that would bother me.

If he listened when I brought it up - good. If he ignored or belittled me - bad.

What I missing now, is how he reacts when you talk to him about this.

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DollyDays · 09/12/2015 23:56

He's not in a well paid job! We pay the bills and survive each month, that's it.

Three when he was off work for those 2 months we got on brilliantly. Despite him not being well and having headaches, he just wasn't an arse like he seems to be when he's working.

All I'm asking for really is consideration. If when I'd asked for him to see to the tyre last night he'd said no, he didn't feel up to it, I would have gone out myself and sorted it. Instead, I walked out this morning to a flat tyre, no time, and a very hurried run to school in the cold and rain which made ds late.

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Threefishys · 09/12/2015 23:58

That tells me then that those two months were a massive release for him without the stress of his job. Can he change jobs?

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