Things have come to a head today

[DollyDays]

Background- together 10 years, 2 dc.

Dp has a stressful job which can often include long hours. I'm a sahm. Dp works, and literally does nothing else. I don't mind this most of the time but I do expect a bit of help when he has a day off or if I've specifically asked him to do something.

He was off work sick for 2 months this year with stress related headaches. He had various tests and was finally given some tablets which after 2 days he stopped taking as they made him feel ill. He still hasn't been back to the GP to try another type as he went back to work and apparently can't take time off to go. This means he's still suffering with the headaches and is ill 90% of the time he's home.

This week I haven't been well. I have stomach problems and was literally doubled over in pain on Monday morning when he left for work. I then had to get do ready, take ds to school, drive to next town and decorate for mil (she's in hospital and I'd promised), stop to pick ds up, get home, cook, clean, homework etc all the while looking after ds2. Dp didn't come home that night as he worked late and was miles from home.

Yesterday, I did the same (had to finish the decorating) as well as shopping. When I got home with Dc I heard hissing from my tyre. Dp got home last night, said hello to us then lay on the couch with a headache. I put kids to bed then did Dp his tea, while he ate I asked if he could look at my tyre. He said yes, no problem. Later on in bed I reminded him and he said sorry, will sort in the morning. He got up and left for work before I was up and when I went to do school run tyre was completely flat.

This is already very long (sorry) so I won't list more examples but this is typical of him putting work before everything and everyone. He thinks I'm being unreasonable by getting pissed off when his work is so important but I'm so sick of us coming last. I have to get on with things when I'm ill and it feels like a piss take.

Don't know what I'm asking tbh, I'm just so fed up

[Hissy]

I'm not having a go, but YOU reminded HIM at BEDTIME... So YOU forgot too.

The money from the cash point, you could do that.
The other seemingly unimportant tasks? You could probably do those too. The decorating when you are Ill? No. You can and should have cancelled that.

Upshot is though that he doesn't stop his treadmill because he doesn't have to.

You aren't married, if this goes tits up, you are up shit creek, so as someone else has said take control of your life, get a job and share the childcare, tell him when he has to pick up the slack, and what he has to do as a partner/parent. It may indeed FORCE him to take the required step back from the work situation.

Before his body really makes him stop. Once and for all.

You are not doing all you can to contribute to the success of your family, neither is he funnily enough, although he's so fast on that hamster wheel he thinks it's the only option. You getting a job and forcing him to participate more in your family duties as a result may force him to reevaluate his work situation.

You must take charge of this, stand up for yourself and get your own life under your own steam.

Or leave him... And then at least you get every other weekend off and a day or 2 in the week where he has to be a parent...

It's shit, but it won't get sorted unless you make it get sorted.

[Hissy]

You who doesn't bring any money to the table

ILive, out of order! Op contributes shit loads financially by eliminating the need for paid childcare. Her effort actually enables her dp to work himself into an early grave, but that's another story

I'm saying if op or a job, the DP would have to stop his crazy hours and do his share of parenting

Op brings very far from nothing to the table. She brings plenty.

[Hissy]

Check out tax credits too op. Childcare tax credit help offset some of the costs of childcare.

[DollyDays]

Thanks hissy, of course I can do those things, I do most of the time. Occasionally I ask something of him and if he says yes I don't think it's unreasonable for him to do it. He could easily say no I'm too busy/not well etc and I would do it myself.

I will be making changes though.

[TheImminentGin]

I agree with the previous poster who said that you are a single parent in a relationship.
I think you need to decide if you can get your head round that or if you need to change something(s).
You could decide to accept that role and go for it wholeheartedly. Under those circumstances I would suggest that you must have control of any finances so that you can pay for repairs, get money out, organise holidays etc without needing him physically with you. You would also need to change your mindset so that you did not expect him to be looking at car wheels at either 5.45 when he has come in from work or first thing a.m. before he goes back off to work. You would automatically take on responsibility for things like that. As pay off you could negotiate specific things he can take responsibility for like bathing DS of a free evening.
I suspect that over time the balance of your relationship would change as your children get older and are more independent. You would be able to work more easily for instance and his job may change to allow you both more time together.
Or you could give him an ultimatum on his job now.

[DollyDays]

TheImminentGin that's pretty much the conclusion I've come to today. I'll be telling him tonight that I need a standing order set up so that I literally don't have to ask him for anything again. It sounds extreme but I don't see what else I can do. I can't even ask what time he'll be home (so I can get his tea ready) without him having a go.

[ILiveAtTheBeach]

So DollyDays if you don't like an opinion that isn't the same as yours, you tell people to fuck off? What are we, 12? No point in posting on MN if you don't want other people's opinions. I think he sounds truly knackered, to the point of being ill. So, that's why he forgot the tyre. You don't sound very sympathetic about this. That is all.

[DollyDays]

Not at all ILive, an opinion different to mine is perfectly fine. A snotty insulting comment like yours on the other hand deserves a fuck off. I'm sure it's not the first time you've heard it, what with being a bit of a GF and all.

[ILiveAtTheBeach]

No idea what a GF is. I'm sure it's another insult. What a temper you have.

[sinber]

Goady Fucker?

[pocketsaviour]

Oh it's definitely not the first time she's heard it

OP I hope you can get some agreements or resolution out of him in order to take this to a better place for both of you.

When this quarter is over (which I'm assuming will be end of month?) and Jan sales are done, will he be less stressed and involved with work then? Do things generally improve?

I'm really concerned that he felt he couldn't take his annual leave. Annual leave is not just a "nice thing", it's essential throughout the year to avoid working yourself into the ground.

[DollyDays]

Well he came home and launched into an attack about how I don't know what it's like, how his job must come first, I've got a cheek complaining I'm tired at the end of the day blah blah.

Told him I'll go out to work then. He said how are you going to work when you have to look after the dc? I said well he'll have to share responsibility to which he said well then we'll lose the house. He's now apparently packing a bag and he'll come and see dc on Saturday. You know, when it suits him.

He wants someone to do absolutely everything for him and dc, never complain, never be tired, never say I'm bored of not having a job. Oh, and of course be up for sex whenever he wants. Im done.

[febreeze]

If it isn't a well paid job then why don't you swap. You go out to work full time and he can be a SAHD.

[TempusEedjit]

Sorry OP, must be a shock for you but what he's been doing is clearly unsustainable for you all anyway.

Can I ask how much he earns approx?

[ifyouregoingthroughhell]

Well going against the grain here, but I think OP is getting a slating for staying at home "doing nothing".
Washing, cooking, cleaning, gardening, decorating, shopping, school runs, appointments, accounting.
Don't think it's too much to ask OH to change a tyre if she is cooking his tea, cooking his kids tea, putting them to bed, washing up.
Just because he's out at work doesn't mean he's working harder.
Where is her time in all this ?
Is he off at weekends OP ?

[DollyDays]

He earns approx 28k. Swapping wouldn't work as I wouldn't earn that much.

He usually does 6 days.

[TendonQueen]

Can I add another 'fuck off' to ILive and your nasty bollocks about OP putting no money on the table? I thought it when I read the post initially, but she told you admirably herself. Since you've come back to needle, let it be clear: you're talking shite and plenty of the rest of us think so.

As you were.

[TendonQueen]

OP, have you made all your mortgage payments on time so far, or at least for the last 5-7 years? If so then I would call your provider tomorrow and ask about taking a payment holiday. Some will allow this for up to six months and that would give you some breathing room.

[peggyundercrackers]

would it be easy for your DP to find another job with his skills? 28k isn't a lot of money for a family of 4to live off of, sounds like he can see the wood for the trees and is burnt out trying.

[peggyundercrackers]

He can't see the wood for the trees not he can.

[TheImminentGin]

Guessing he's away overnight because of work?
That's his job then. Fine.
You can get on with your life. Organise a great weekend for yourself.
You can say no to unwanted sex. You can stop asking when he'll be home in order to make his dinner because you don't need to make his dinner. He could make his own or you could cook together sometimes if you felt like it. Stop the battlefield right now.

[DollyDays]

We only bought the house this year. We live in a pretty cheap house up north so it's enough tbh. We don't struggle but obviously aren't well off either. Sorry for short replies but Dp is here atm and we're talking.

[ILiveAtTheBeach]

Ooh TendonQueen might you be a SAHM as well? Oh for the fucking ability to not have to work. In case you didn't realise, most Mum's that do work full time also do most of the lions share at home (it's not right, but it's true). It is a true privilege to not have to go to work. It really is. I'm tempted to throw an insult back at you, but you're not worth it. The Ops kids are in school. 6 hours a day to do "the house". Oh the luxury.

[TendonQueen]

Don't intend to get into tennis with you on the OP's thread, but you're utterly wrong. Full time WOHM here. Don't bother posting to me again as I won't respond.

[TendonQueen]

Full time working (outside the home) mum in case acronyms aren't clear.