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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Things have come to a head today

114 replies

DollyDays · 09/12/2015 22:02

Background- together 10 years, 2 dc.

Dp has a stressful job which can often include long hours. I'm a sahm. Dp works, and literally does nothing else. I don't mind this most of the time but I do expect a bit of help when he has a day off or if I've specifically asked him to do something.

He was off work sick for 2 months this year with stress related headaches. He had various tests and was finally given some tablets which after 2 days he stopped taking as they made him feel ill. He still hasn't been back to the GP to try another type as he went back to work and apparently can't take time off to go. This means he's still suffering with the headaches and is ill 90% of the time he's home.

This week I haven't been well. I have stomach problems and was literally doubled over in pain on Monday morning when he left for work. I then had to get do ready, take ds to school, drive to next town and decorate for mil (she's in hospital and I'd promised), stop to pick ds up, get home, cook, clean, homework etc all the while looking after ds2. Dp didn't come home that night as he worked late and was miles from home.

Yesterday, I did the same (had to finish the decorating) as well as shopping. When I got home with Dc I heard hissing from my tyre. Dp got home last night, said hello to us then lay on the couch with a headache. I put kids to bed then did Dp his tea, while he ate I asked if he could look at my tyre. He said yes, no problem. Later on in bed I reminded him and he said sorry, will sort in the morning. He got up and left for work before I was up and when I went to do school run tyre was completely flat.

This is already very long (sorry) so I won't list more examples but this is typical of him putting work before everything and everyone. He thinks I'm being unreasonable by getting pissed off when his work is so important but I'm so sick of us coming last. I have to get on with things when I'm ill and it feels like a piss take.

Don't know what I'm asking tbh, I'm just so fed up

OP posts:

Report

Threefishys · 11/12/2015 09:20

I never said it was acceptable I said I know how it feels. I suspect the man is being a man and doesn't really want to deal with the reality of a serious health problem that could affect his work. Why? Because he has a family to support. Anyway. It's moot point now.

Threefishys · 11/12/2015 09:17

Wow. To call the guy a pitiful excuse for a man is ridiculously harsh. He's knackered and ill and is behaving accordingly, not attractive but when we're not at our best who is?. It's causing issues so its come to a head. Pitiful though? A lot of women currently dabbling in the murky pickings of OLD would strongly disagree with you.

LyndaNotLinda · 11/12/2015 09:12

No I haven't threefishys. But if you're in that much pain, you stop everything or pull back on everything. You don't get to pick and choose which bits you do and which bits you don't. Essentially, it's not acceptable to just retire from family responsibilities just because you know your wife is going to pick up the slack, whatever the reason for doing so. And it's disgraceful so many of you are sympathising with his position (and giving the OP a hard time for being a SAHP with a 2 year old when presumably this is something they both agreed to). The headaches are a red herring.

I have never once heard of a woman doing this - lying on the sofa when she gets home from work because she's had such a hard day. And yet so many men on MN do it and so many MNers think that's absolutely acceptable because they've worked hard at the office.

Joysmum · 11/12/2015 09:04

Not all men are like him and many of us are very happy in our relationships because we aren't with a pitiful excuse for a man like your DH is.

Threefishys · 11/12/2015 09:01

lyndanotlynda have ever suffered from excruciating headaches and been waiting on an Mri scan? If you haven't I can tell you because I have its a fucking scary time - you fear the worst whether you voice or not. Anyway dolly its for the best you have some time apart I think, that is clearly something you can both agree on at present. If nothing else you may gain some clarity about how to resolve and/or go forward. I wish you well.

peggyundercrackers · 11/12/2015 08:59

Lyndanotlinda we don't have any GPs open after 17.45 here so no they are not all open at night.

OP if you couldn't earn what your DP earns the only way you are going to earn more as a family is for you to go to work. Can you not get a childminder? I know where we live they are pretty cheap and charge well under what most people earn. If you were working it would also get you a bit of independence.

DollyDays · 11/12/2015 08:08

Is there a Hindu spell I can do win the lottery instead? I'd rather that thanks.

He stayed last night but told me this morning he's definitely moving out. The bottom line is, we don't agree. This isn't going to change and he's unhappy with some other aspects as well so it looks like that's it.

OP posts:

Hissy · 11/12/2015 07:38

MNHQ... Can we permanently ban this ^^ idiot?

jessicame · 11/12/2015 07:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LyndaNotLinda · 10/12/2015 23:13

Christ - I can't believe this thread. What a load of apologists for your lazy twat of a partner.

Your husband is doing what a lot of blokes do and that's spending hours at work so that he can avoid doing all the wifework at home. I've worked with men like that. They faff about and then moan about being tired.

If his bloody headaches were that bad, he'd have gone back to the GP but he hasn't bothered. GPs are open evenings so he doesn't even have to miss work.

I'd have the rest of his bags waiting for him when he comes to see the kids on Saturday.

Joysmum · 10/12/2015 22:51

Your DH is a twat. The kids care is wife's work/responsibility according to him do you working doesn't fit into his attitude that you should deal with the home/kid and earn too otherwise that that takes the role he sees as his away from him and stops him playing the martyr to justify doing things his way.

TendonQueen · 10/12/2015 22:43

OP, if your husband is there and you're talking, don't worry about replying here. Prioritise that. But I would ring the mortgage company tomorrow and check out your options. If they say you could take a payment holiday that would give you space to explore job options, his and yours.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 10/12/2015 22:29

"Woman On Hormone Medication"? I've no clue what WOHM means?! Anyway you won't reply, so that's fine.

DollyDays · 10/12/2015 22:26

My youngest is 2. But you'd know that if you'd bothered reading.

OP posts:

TendonQueen · 10/12/2015 22:26

Full time working (outside the home) mum in case acronyms aren't clear.

TendonQueen · 10/12/2015 22:23

Don't intend to get into tennis with you on the OP's thread, but you're utterly wrong. Full time WOHM here. Don't bother posting to me again as I won't respond.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 10/12/2015 22:19

Ooh TendonQueen might you be a SAHM as well? Oh for the fucking ability to not have to work. In case you didn't realise, most Mum's that do work full time also do most of the lions share at home (it's not right, but it's true). It is a true privilege to not have to go to work. It really is. I'm tempted to throw an insult back at you, but you're not worth it. The Ops kids are in school. 6 hours a day to do "the house". Oh the luxury.

DollyDays · 10/12/2015 22:11

We only bought the house this year. We live in a pretty cheap house up north so it's enough tbh. We don't struggle but obviously aren't well off either. Sorry for short replies but Dp is here atm and we're talking.

OP posts:

TheImminentGin · 10/12/2015 22:09

Guessing he's away overnight because of work?
That's his job then. Fine.
You can get on with your life. Organise a great weekend for yourself.
You can say no to unwanted sex. You can stop asking when he'll be home in order to make his dinner because you don't need to make his dinner. He could make his own or you could cook together sometimes if you felt like it. Stop the battlefield right now.

peggyundercrackers · 10/12/2015 22:02

He can't see the wood for the trees not he can.

peggyundercrackers · 10/12/2015 22:02

would it be easy for your DP to find another job with his skills? 28k isn't a lot of money for a family of 4to live off of, sounds like he can see the wood for the trees and is burnt out trying.

TendonQueen · 10/12/2015 21:52

OP, have you made all your mortgage payments on time so far, or at least for the last 5-7 years? If so then I would call your provider tomorrow and ask about taking a payment holiday. Some will allow this for up to six months and that would give you some breathing room.

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TendonQueen · 10/12/2015 21:46

Can I add another 'fuck off' to ILive and your nasty bollocks about OP putting no money on the table? I thought it when I read the post initially, but she told you admirably herself. Since you've come back to needle, let it be clear: you're talking shite and plenty of the rest of us think so.

As you were.

DollyDays · 10/12/2015 21:36

He earns approx 28k. Swapping wouldn't work as I wouldn't earn that much.

He usually does 6 days.

OP posts:

ifyouregoingthroughhell · 10/12/2015 21:31

Well going against the grain here, but I think OP is getting a slating for staying at home "doing nothing".
Washing, cooking, cleaning, gardening, decorating, shopping, school runs, appointments, accounting.
Don't think it's too much to ask OH to change a tyre if she is cooking his tea, cooking his kids tea, putting them to bed, washing up.
Just because he's out at work doesn't mean he's working harder.
Where is her time in all this ?
Is he off at weekends OP ?

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