Certain that I'm being "ghosted"

[hiphoplollipop30]

Morning everyone,

I'm quite beside myself this morning (PMS is also in full swing so this is badly timed!)

I got talking to a guy on Tinder a few weeks ago, really hit it off, went on a date last weekend, it was good.

He asked me to go to lunch on the Monday as we work near eachother, so we did. We did the same again on the Wednesday.

The friday I asked if he'd like to come to a house party with me, he said yes, when the day came he asked if we could meet for a drink or two near where he lives as he was so tired from the week (he is a carpenter and is up against it working on a house nearby). I said sure, and we had one drink, he was very sleepy, and I went home afterwards.

Saturday I asked if he'd like to do something Sunday evening, he took a while to reply but said how about in the afternoon instead? I replied saying I was busy until 5pm would that be too late?

That was at noon yesterday. At 5pm I texted him 'hello?' as its not like him to not respond, maybe he's sleeping all day etc etc.

Still nothing. I called this morning before work as thats when he usually calls me. Nothing. I text to say hope you had a nice weekend give me a shout when you're free.

I'm 90% sure I know what the outcome of this is going to be. And to be honest, I don't think I'm ever going to hear from him again.

My previous relationship was mentally abusive, and he would ignore me for days on end as punishment, when I hadn't actually done anything. So naturally, I've felt very emotional about all of this in this short space of time. Well, I've spent most of my morning crying.

I must say this happened last week on Thursday. I had texted him in the afternoon on Wednesday and he never replied for 24 hours. I ended up texting asking if I could call, and he said 'of course, just leaving work now' and I'd got myself so worked up those 24 hours just like I am now.

But this feels different. I really don't think I'll hear from him ever again.

It's such an awful way to treat someone, it really messes with my head and makes me very emotional.

Did a poster on this thread or another put a link up to a piece about what some men REALLY think regards getting a text response / the power play between him and the woman he is chasing? I think it would be useful here plus I can't find it and want a read!!

Trills - to be quite honest if I've seen that Tinder is a casual dating site where you swipe left and right (or whatever) on someone's picture and I've seen how it's worked (yes a friend showed me her Tinder profile) then I think I can maybe not give advice but have an opinion on it.

Of the few people I've known who've met someone on it, 1 was already treating that relationship as 'casual' and met someone abroad (friend of a friend, a man) and another woman aquiantance said she used it 'as a laugh'.

It shouldn't be about 'chasing' in a grown up relationship.

It should be about two adults communicating openly and deciding they like each other enough to make a go of things. He's not communicating directly, but he is letting you know he's not interested. But that's ok because it's saved you years of misery in an unequal, draining relationship with someone who doesn't really reciprocate. And it gives you a chance to meet someone who does care!

I disagree with people who say you communicated too much to him too soon. When you meet the right person, none of that anxiety provoking crap will matter - being open and genuinely yourself will be the right thing to do. You do need to protect yourself from committing too much to the wrong people though - as do I.

Thinking a bit about things today.

I'm a confident person, outgoing, I like the way I look, but I really have no confidence in myself from a relationship/romance aspect.

Well I do until they're not interested.

I suppose its a normal reaction to not like rejection, but the feeling I get, and the anxiety in my chest, transports me back to how I felt with shitty ex.

Its been a year, we were together 5 years.

This may sound dramatic, but I honestly can't imagine someone wanting to be with me forever.

Sad ain't it?

Nah, it is perfectly normal, I think that one thing you learn after divorce or the end of a LTR is that nothing is forever. It also teaches you not to be complacent and ensure the relationship stays alive and healthy.

I really have no confidence in myself from a relationship/romance aspect. Well I do until they're not interested.

I think that it's very normal human behaviour. As soon as something becomes out of bounds, unavailable etc it becomes more desirable. I read something about the chemicals our bodies release in the pursuit of love. One chemical makes us yearn for someone, obsess, become besotted etc and another one that gives us a hit of pleasure when we get a fix of their attention. I guess it's good biology? I find it helpful to know that there's a natural, scientific reason behind my befuddling, irrational thoughts.

This may sound dramatic, but I honestly can't imagine someone wanting to be with me forever.

I feel similar, although I'd word it as I honestly don't think I will be with the same, one man for the rest of my life. It hurts, because before the end of my last relationship I really believed it was for life. It takes time and compassion to let go and accept a new experience.

Its definitely chemical.

I remember not feeling THAT fussed in his company the last time I saw him. Like I was enjoying our conversation and looking at his face but in general, meh, not exactly fireworks.

Yet now that I think he doesn't like me, I'm all, but I like him!

Fairly classic I think.

My ex did that a lot to his advantage I think, dropped me and picked me up repeatedly, making him seem very desirable when I couldn't stand him deep down.

I think we will be with the sort of people we deserve, perhaps even forever, but it'll definitely cross my mind now and again if it was going to last.

It could be your hurt pride talking.

I have been in situations where I was 100% sure the guy was not for me, bored and prepared to end it but the fact that they ended it before I could, really left me reeling.

(I suppose there is an element of "Why can't you like me if you are so awful yourself?", in any case... good riddance)

This makes interesting reading:
How does the brain copes with Tinder?

Tinder is fine, tinder is not the problem. Tinder is not responsible for the behaviour of people once they have met in real life.

I think that ODL/Tinder have changed the way we approach potential partners.

It may be we are spoilt by choice but I think it is much easier to just say "next!" If you do not click in the first few minutes of the sate.

In real life you have time to get to know a person better before deciding whether you like them or not, while in these "near to blind dates" it does feel like you need to make an impression very quickly before the other person (or yourself) looses interest.

I agree Tiger, OD is not for me.

the problem is that if you hardly ever go out or don't have time for hobbies, where else can you meet a potential partner?

I met my 2 Last LTR partners in Match.com. it took a lot of coffee (call me a chicken, but I only went for coffees rather than proper "dates"), confidence, the ability to laugh things off and a very thick skin. But in general, it was a positive experience.