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Original poster

Certain that I'm being "ghosted"

139 replies

hiphoplollipop30 · 30/11/2015 09:32

Morning everyone,

I'm quite beside myself this morning (PMS is also in full swing so this is badly timed!)

I got talking to a guy on Tinder a few weeks ago, really hit it off, went on a date last weekend, it was good.

He asked me to go to lunch on the Monday as we work near eachother, so we did. We did the same again on the Wednesday.

The friday I asked if he'd like to come to a house party with me, he said yes, when the day came he asked if we could meet for a drink or two near where he lives as he was so tired from the week (he is a carpenter and is up against it working on a house nearby). I said sure, and we had one drink, he was very sleepy, and I went home afterwards.

Saturday I asked if he'd like to do something Sunday evening, he took a while to reply but said how about in the afternoon instead? I replied saying I was busy until 5pm would that be too late?

That was at noon yesterday. At 5pm I texted him 'hello?' as its not like him to not respond, maybe he's sleeping all day etc etc.

Still nothing. I called this morning before work as thats when he usually calls me. Nothing. I text to say hope you had a nice weekend give me a shout when you're free.

I'm 90% sure I know what the outcome of this is going to be. And to be honest, I don't think I'm ever going to hear from him again.

My previous relationship was mentally abusive, and he would ignore me for days on end as punishment, when I hadn't actually done anything. So naturally, I've felt very emotional about all of this in this short space of time. Well, I've spent most of my morning crying.

I must say this happened last week on Thursday. I had texted him in the afternoon on Wednesday and he never replied for 24 hours. I ended up texting asking if I could call, and he said 'of course, just leaving work now' and I'd got myself so worked up those 24 hours just like I am now.

But this feels different. I really don't think I'll hear from him ever again.

It's such an awful way to treat someone, it really messes with my head and makes me very emotional.

OP posts:
TheTigerIsOut · 30/11/2015 16:59

I really don't think you are strong enough, at this time, for online dating.

You need to understand that the fact that someone is no longer interested in you doesn't reflect on how good you are. People loose interest when they find you are not compatible and you can be incompatible for a huge number of menial reasons (I once let go of a very nice -rich- guy just because his business required him to attend a huge number of cocktail parties, I hate wearing fancy stuff and heels -and more so, the associated expense- so.. I thought I would find it unpractical in the long term. He was lovely, I can assure you, just not right for me. I wouldn't go into the reasons why people has lot interest on me, as I would out myself!).

It is true that you had a bad time with your previous relationship but you also need to understand that people out there can be considerate to your needs but they are NOT there to fix your broken heart (you are the only one who can sort that). The older people get the more baggage they carry, so they might not be prepared to carry yours too, it may be too much for them. So it is important that you deal with your past, raise your confidence and once you are a happy confident person again, you will be ready to try again.

Original poster
hiphoplollipop30 · 30/11/2015 17:03

So he texted, then he called.

I was very shocked.

He'd been called into work yesterday then crashed out and was back at it at 6am this morning.

Then he asked what I thought was going on with us. He likes me but isn't sure its going to go in that direction as he can't tell what I want, what do I think.

I said I agree, Im quite apprehensive about it all.

Said he'd call me later. I said fine.

Brakes ON.

I hold back quite a bit with men now after my ex, but I think if they were right for me that wouldn't necessarily get them questioning my intentions or not being okay with it.

OP posts:
TheTigerIsOut · 30/11/2015 17:04

I think I would run a mile if someone sent me a dick picture, but I suppose that is because there was never nothing sexually suggestive in my profile that could call for such action. (Having said that, some people are arses without provocation).

middlethird · 30/11/2015 17:08

apart from everything else on the thread (dick pic, massive red flag!)

I get fucking pissed off that men can behave exactly as they please with little or no repercussion.

Seriously. I have RAGE!

RedMapleLeaf · 30/11/2015 17:09

What's your plan?

Original poster
hiphoplollipop30 · 30/11/2015 17:11

If I happen to speak to him ever again I'm just going to ask outright what is he looking for.

I know I hold back, but whats with the rush?

OP posts:
Handywoman · 30/11/2015 17:14

OP why are you tying yourself in knots over this opportunistic cock-shot sending douchebag? It's like any contact and BOOM! You are reeled back in like a fish.

Two words: Block. Him.

Cabrinha · 30/11/2015 17:14

Oh OP.
The trick to any kind of dating but especially OLD where it's a total stranger is to have standards that are high and uncompromising.

He got called into work then crashed out?
Bullshit excuses.

You texted him at noon yesterday and he knew he'd suggests meeting. He's a carpenter - his phone was on him all the time.
FFS - he couldn't send you a 10 second "arrrrgh, shit, sorry, called to work - I'll call you tomorrow!"???

I bet he had another Tinder date last night. Not work at all. But even if it was work - he CBA to cancel his own suggestion to you.

MASSIVE red flag that he's pushing back to you about not being able to work out what YOU want.

It's been a week. Too early for anyone to be a drama queen saying it's YOU that's the flake! Or dufficult to understand!

Come on OP, you met him 3x in a week then asked him to a party, compromised when he didn't want to go, tried to fit in with him on Sunday, called him this morning...

Please, don't listen to his shit about not knowing what you want!!! You bent over backwards to see and contact him.

He is BAD NEWS.
Even without the cock shot Hmm

RedMapleLeaf · 30/11/2015 17:15

Said he'd call me later. I said fine.

This bit makes it sound as though you are going to speak to him again Confused

I'm just going to ask outright what is he looking for.

I wouldn't. Decide what you want and go with that. E.g. "Thanks, but this isn't working for me" or breezy, "let's slow things down a bit. It's a bit of a hectic week for me, how about meeting up for a coffee on Sunday?".

sinber · 30/11/2015 17:15

OP, for goodness sake, he's an idiot.

Handywoman · 30/11/2015 17:16

And honestly I don't see you holding back, it's been far too full on and you've disclosed all your past and massively emotionally invested.

The time to hold back is NOW!

Cabrinha · 30/11/2015 17:18

I'm currently seeing a new OLD. No idea if it will last and I can't guarantee he's a good guy.
But you know what? When we're texting at night and one of us falls asleep on the other (happens a lot!) that person always seems to manage the 10 seconds next morning to text "oooops, shattered - fell asleep!"

Here's a good but simple rule:
If there's any angst, he's either not good enough, or you should be spending your time in counselling not on dates.

Good relationships when you're in a good place don't need you to post on MN about them Flowers

Cabrinha · 30/11/2015 17:20

At least delay talking to him a few days. You've got PMS and you spent the morning crying about him.
If I were your friend, I'd be confiscating your phone right about now.

sinber · 30/11/2015 17:21

Those texts must be exciting Cabrinha

Cabrinha · 30/11/2015 17:26

Grin sinber yep, I'm really holding his attention Wink
We're in that vomit worthy place of texting really late, into the small hours. I fell asleep half way through replying to a very lewd text from him once Grin
But there's just no angst cos I care about him enough to say "hello, sorry!" as soon as I can.
It takes SECONDS to text.
If you're interested in someone, you do that.
I have a long hours job with frequent foreign travel - I am bone tired some nights, time zones thrown in too.
I still don't leave him wondering where I've gone.

I actually thinking the length of silence wasn't the issue - it was hardly any time at all. But they had a semi planned date when he just disappeared.

He just wants sex.

RedMapleLeaf · 30/11/2015 17:31

We're in that vomit worthy place of texting really late, into the small hours.

Awww.

DeeDee47 · 30/11/2015 17:34

I dont think id give him another chance,as the other posters have said,if they can treat us like this they cant think much of us,I have been at the oh he was too hasty he will be back stage since my dumped text,as I went through a break up this time last year,so think old was too soon for me,but in time id like to look back and Say I had a very nice 5 months but now I have to move on

DeeDee47 · 30/11/2015 17:39

I dont think id give him another chance,as the other posters have said,if they can treat us like this they cant think much of us,I have been at the oh he was too hasty he will be back stage since my dumped text,as I went through a break up this time last year,so think old was too soon for me,but in time id like to look back and Say I had a very nice 5 months but now I have to move on

niceupthedance · 30/11/2015 17:42

Go in what direction?

He's fishing to see whether you are walloping a relationship on him or whether he can get away with a fling.

Yesterday, his excuse sounds like bollocks, and what's worse is that he knows you like him enough to believe it. Sorry.

WimpyArseWanks · 30/11/2015 17:53

Do you plan on seeing him again OP?

SuperFlyHigh · 30/11/2015 17:55

I personally think you've invested way too much into this in a week and shouldn't have invited him to a party.

I also totally agree re him texting you first thing - he could've and should've done that this morning! I think it also shows a man likes you more to text you good morning rather than just ignore you. He's calling and texting now, last minute as he wants to keep you onside. He probably guesses (from your texts and invites that you're waiting for his call/texts). Best thing is really to act careless and carefree so what if you're dating a few other guys or chatting online to them and he knows (If you were)?! The Americans do this all the time. Called keeping your options open.

My recent OLD story met a guy from OLD we both got very drunk and kissed a lot (and it was good) then he backed off for whatever reason - he also didn't reply after the weekend. When he did eventually make contact (on and off through whatsapp/OLD site etc it was all a bit confused and then turned sexual (but I don't really like sexting unless it's going somewhere). He's now in touch via whatsapp more normal stuff as well as "I want you" but I'm not holding out for anything and am certainly speaking to and arranging to meet other prospects.

So anyway, i think I'd write this one off much as you like him.

SuperFlyHigh · 30/11/2015 17:56

Wimpey of fours she plans on seeing him again! I hate to be blunt but you can tell from her OP and subsequent posts that she likes him a lot and will likely forgive all his bullshit and see him again.

SuperFlyHigh · 30/11/2015 17:57

Course not fours!!!

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 30/11/2015 17:59

OP, this guy isn't the right one for you. When someone starts messing you about, that's a hint to take a step back, not cling on even harder. Google Baggage Reclaim and Matthew Hussey, do some reading, then sort out some kind of counselling that will increase your self esteem and assertiveness. A few months down the line you'll be in a much better place for OLD Smile.

Original poster
hiphoplollipop30 · 30/11/2015 18:03

Yep, cock-pic-sending-douchebag as someone put it!

Im having a few days off from this for sure.

I had counselling when I was in that bad relationship, and it helped a lot.

Made an appt to see someone on wednesday. Its really not normal for someone to have a meltdown because they were ignored/ghosted.

OP posts: