Certain that I'm being "ghosted"

[hiphoplollipop30]

Morning everyone,

I'm quite beside myself this morning (PMS is also in full swing so this is badly timed!)

I got talking to a guy on Tinder a few weeks ago, really hit it off, went on a date last weekend, it was good.

He asked me to go to lunch on the Monday as we work near eachother, so we did. We did the same again on the Wednesday.

The friday I asked if he'd like to come to a house party with me, he said yes, when the day came he asked if we could meet for a drink or two near where he lives as he was so tired from the week (he is a carpenter and is up against it working on a house nearby). I said sure, and we had one drink, he was very sleepy, and I went home afterwards.

Saturday I asked if he'd like to do something Sunday evening, he took a while to reply but said how about in the afternoon instead? I replied saying I was busy until 5pm would that be too late?

That was at noon yesterday. At 5pm I texted him 'hello?' as its not like him to not respond, maybe he's sleeping all day etc etc.

Still nothing. I called this morning before work as thats when he usually calls me. Nothing. I text to say hope you had a nice weekend give me a shout when you're free.

I'm 90% sure I know what the outcome of this is going to be. And to be honest, I don't think I'm ever going to hear from him again.

My previous relationship was mentally abusive, and he would ignore me for days on end as punishment, when I hadn't actually done anything. So naturally, I've felt very emotional about all of this in this short space of time. Well, I've spent most of my morning crying.

I must say this happened last week on Thursday. I had texted him in the afternoon on Wednesday and he never replied for 24 hours. I ended up texting asking if I could call, and he said 'of course, just leaving work now' and I'd got myself so worked up those 24 hours just like I am now.

But this feels different. I really don't think I'll hear from him ever again.

It's such an awful way to treat someone, it really messes with my head and makes me very emotional.

Nothing much to add other than I met a LOT of men like this on OLD. (I am too ancient for tinder ) If you are even slightly vulnerable or lack self esteem then OLD can be an absolute headfuck. I have had bouts of severe depression in the past triggered by similar experiences - even though I knew I was not reacting to rejection in a sane or rational way, I felt that the opinion of internet randoms just PROVED that I was utterly useless. Until you can laugh at twats people like him at least 90% of the time, then dust yourself down and move on, do yourself a favour and avoid OLD.

You are getting some good advice on here. On the "chasing" front, when I eventually met DH I was not conscious of either of us chasing the other, it was just that we really wanted to see a lot of each other! I think if it's right, then games don't come into it. DH admitted recently that he was terrified for the first few months that I would "come to my senses" and cancel our next date, but it didn't occur to me to do that because I was too busy worrying about the same thing! (We really didn't play it very cool )

I hope you feel better soon

old A great post.

It frustrates me that I may appear "damaged" due to someone else treating me like crap. I realise this happens far too commonly to people.

This reaction isn't normal. And its completely triggered by my experience with my ex - that truly has scarred me.

I used to come on here for advice, not eat for days etc when my ex would ignore me, it truly consumed my life and made me so miserable.

I found happiness when I moved to New York, I was there for 6 months but now have visa issues so can't go back yet.

It would be great to have someone but I don't, and OLD maybe very rarely develops into a meaningful relationship.

I felt very stupid earlier, that I had 'played' this all wrong, and I'm now even regretting arranging the sunday hang out. But if two people like each other, they should be able to say hey, want to do something?

One way not to appear damaged, is not to offer up all your history to someone you don't know.

It doesn't matter how honest you're feeling, it is never a good idea to look vulnerable in the first week, lovey.

My XH shagged prostitutes our whole marriage. I say he cheated, with an eye roll, but I never offer up the full truth early on. Simply because I don't want anyone to make judgements about why he might have find that, or how flexible my boundaries are that I still tried to make it work (more fool me!)

Keep such important things closer to your chest in future

Indeed, perhaps he was just feeling out how vulnerable I could be.

He said I seem like the sort that won't take any shit from someone - which is true, I have learnt that from my past relationship, it all just goes out the window when I'm ignored.

Starting to think I'll get a text in the future acting like he hasn't been ignoring me.

NO WAY would I go there again.

I'm quite sorry to say he sent me an intimate picture before we met (red flag! red flag!) he hasn't removed me as his friend on FB, could just casually post it on his wall perhaps.

Not, obviously.

Why on earth are you even friends on fb after a WEEK?!

Slow... down...!

Good work on recognising that he can bog off if he texts you. Just defriend him on fb now, and if he texts don't over share your emotions and past! Just say "it was nice to meet you, I had fun last week - but on reflection I don't think you're what I'm looking for - good luck!"

We're in a similar place I think OP, a couple of weeks in to something new. I'm keen on a man. I think about him a lot of the time and my feelings and the uncertainties make me feel vulnerable. But I believe that these are my issues and not his to be aware of, let alone be responsible for.

I try to keep things relaxed from his perspective. For instance, I think about him all day, every day (well, you know what I mean) but make sure that in reality two or three days go by without any contact/texts.
I daydream about him coming over, staying the night, meeting my friends etc but make sure that in reality it's just a case of meeting up for a couple of hours once or twice a week.

I see the majority of my time spent with friends, on hobbies, being bored, feeling lonely etc as insurance in case this fizzles out.

What I'm suggesting is that it's not easy keeping things cool and relaxed but you need to practice them despite it being difficult.

Cab that is good advice about not offering too much in the early days.

Because I had met men through OLD that didn't look like their pictures so wanted to be sure what this one actually looked like

Yes RedMapleLeaf, lesson learnt.

He was just as upfront if not more about his past and his feelings, it has to be said.

I'm feeling out of comfort zone too, and looking at the differences between our situations.

You saw or planned to see each other Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Sunday of week one. We saw each other Friday, a week on Wednesday and the Saturday of weeks one, two and three.
You have talked about all sorts of relationship history and desires. We have established that we're both currently single

Thanks for posting this today,as I find myself in a similar situation.
I met a guy through old in June,we had a long distance relationship that worked well for us both,he came here,I went there,things were going so well,saw no issues or concerns,at the beginning of November we went overseas for a week,his treat,had an amazing time,I came home,and i was dumped by text a week later,he offered me no conversation or reason other than he needed to spend more time with his son!!he was talking new year plans with me,so dident see it coming so I'm probably in shock,it has hurt a lot,as we got on well.only through reading posts like this on here can see this happens often,rather sad as it now makes me very synical about dabbling in old again,because if I was played I was played very well.

I started a thread on this topic, Tips and advice for healthy dating / new relationships and one good bit of advice was only to make plans in to the future the same length as the duration of the relationship so far. I think it's a good rule of thumb.

Another thing that I think of in terms of sex, but DeeDee's post got me thinking in general, is only offering what I would be comfortable with offering if I never heard from them again.
So, on this basis MrCurrentInfatuation doesn't know my exact address and I haven't confided in him about anything personal.

How long ago was your previous relationship?

My only piece of advice: be cynical. You won't hurt a nice guy by being cynical and wary to start with. But a not-so-nice guy might hurt you if you aren't.

deedee sorry that is shitty. Something similar also happened to me me was seeing a guy for about 3 months who I met OLD we were going far to fast, he was pushing talking about the future, living together places we were going to visit, then by text he finished it with no explanation. Very confusing. See OP it is not just you OLD in a minefield.

Thank you for your replies,and I'm sorry if I've invaded this thread.
I tend to be very open and expected him to be the same,what's wrong with Dee you're a really nice girl,but this isent working for me?a text is so cowardly and cold,it would of helped me make sense of it all,I'm sitting here thinking what did I do so bad?and the son excuse which I think it was would make me suggest dont be on a dating site!

Hmmm. The more you write about this guy the more I think you were on totally different pages. You chatted, his messages were sexual, he tried to come over to your house on the second day of talking. Then I presume he told you (after no sex was forthcoming) he saw you more as a friend... I think you maybe got caught up in all the lovely words and weren't stringing all his actions together. Has happened to me so I'm not judging you, just be aware that you need to keep your eyes and ears wide open when you meet people old.

He sent you an intimate picture before you met, so he sent you a cock shot, unless you requested it you should have blocked him at that point.

What did you think of him sending the photo? In what context was it sent??

smarty has it spot on OP. Healthy relationships are ones where you never feel like shit (unless you have behaved badly of course!) and you don't need to dissect every text and conversation for meaning. I had a friend that did this once, we used to spend hours going over and over the conversations she had had, figuring them out for meanings that were not there and the guy concerned was just a dick. I was bored rigid but supportive

YOU deserve better, much better, I promise.

And it's not about chasing or not chasing from either side, honest. When it's good, it just 'is'.

Sorry, I didn't see the latest update. Not great that, is it, the cock shot?

What niceupthedance said. He was just after sex and when it wasn't as forthcoming as he thought it would be, disappeared.

What nice, good man, ever starts a fantastic relationship by sending a picture of his dick?!?!?! I would say, not many to none!!

You deffo need to wise up a bit more in regards to old. He sounds textbook online dating shagger and awful.

Dicks send dick pics.

Yeah - what killed this for me was him sending you the cock shot. You cannot get a clearer red flag than that. And when I read your first post - I was shocked that you were 'dating' after meeting on Tinder - I did not know that was even an option! Thought Tinder was just for booty calls!

having said all that, I am sending you a big unmumsnetty hug, because you are upset and he should not have just gone silent. Shitty behaviour.