Certain that I'm being "ghosted"

[hiphoplollipop30]

Morning everyone,

I'm quite beside myself this morning (PMS is also in full swing so this is badly timed!)

I got talking to a guy on Tinder a few weeks ago, really hit it off, went on a date last weekend, it was good.

He asked me to go to lunch on the Monday as we work near eachother, so we did. We did the same again on the Wednesday.

The friday I asked if he'd like to come to a house party with me, he said yes, when the day came he asked if we could meet for a drink or two near where he lives as he was so tired from the week (he is a carpenter and is up against it working on a house nearby). I said sure, and we had one drink, he was very sleepy, and I went home afterwards.

Saturday I asked if he'd like to do something Sunday evening, he took a while to reply but said how about in the afternoon instead? I replied saying I was busy until 5pm would that be too late?

That was at noon yesterday. At 5pm I texted him 'hello?' as its not like him to not respond, maybe he's sleeping all day etc etc.

Still nothing. I called this morning before work as thats when he usually calls me. Nothing. I text to say hope you had a nice weekend give me a shout when you're free.

I'm 90% sure I know what the outcome of this is going to be. And to be honest, I don't think I'm ever going to hear from him again.

My previous relationship was mentally abusive, and he would ignore me for days on end as punishment, when I hadn't actually done anything. So naturally, I've felt very emotional about all of this in this short space of time. Well, I've spent most of my morning crying.

I must say this happened last week on Thursday. I had texted him in the afternoon on Wednesday and he never replied for 24 hours. I ended up texting asking if I could call, and he said 'of course, just leaving work now' and I'd got myself so worked up those 24 hours just like I am now.

But this feels different. I really don't think I'll hear from him ever again.

It's such an awful way to treat someone, it really messes with my head and makes me very emotional.

I also think if I'd let him chase me more, or been unavailable, I wouldnt necessarily now be finding myself in the start of a great relationship.

He saw you on the Monday and Wednesday. Why didn't you just leave it up to him to make the next date rather than making another arrangement in a couple of days. I don't even know what being ghosted means. Not heard this before. I thought it was a woo thread.

I have the same feelings as you OP, and am taking notice of the very good advice PPs gave given you.

My ex used to ignore my texts and calls, almost to punish me, and when the same happens to me now I feel the overwhelming need to contact them, so I can reassure myself it's not happening again.

Someone told me on another thread that if they are intetested in you they will contact you and if not, move on.

Easy to say, but hard when you feel - and they give the impression - there's a connection.

for you x

Ok OP something is screaming out to me from your last post. All your relationships have started out that way (quickly). But I'm assuming they haven't worked out well (going on the fact that you're single ). And perhaps the first clue to the way these relationships were heading was the fact that these men were way too full on from the start.

I think you need to start seeing that kind of keen-ness as a negative, not a positive. Ask yourself why you would want to get involved with a man who has so little going on in his life that he's completely free to drop anything (ie nothing) to see you/be in contact with you constantly from the off.

Maybe, just maybe, the kind of man you need in your life is one who already has a full life with friends, family, interests, etc. He would love to meet somebody like you but when he does he will take it slowly because he's mature enough to do so, and anyway he doesn't just drop his friends and family because a new person is on the horizon. Six months down the line with somebody like that and the relationship you find yourself in is so much more likely to work out

This is probably relevant, but the second day of talking he ended up getting a taxi 40 mins to my road. I had joked I hadnt known him long he should come over, he didnt get the sarcasm and I woke up to missed calls and texts.

Not sure how he managed to pull himself back from that one but he did.

Cringe.

You're all helping by the way, thank you.

It's a shame, but I wouldn't contact him again. You haven't known each other long, don't worry about it or beat yourself up, just move on.

hip in my experience and yes I have lots lol. Men that men who behave like that, should be a huge red flag. He sounds un balanced if I am honest.

hiphop, that's so funny!

Yeah, I guess someone can seem together and intelligent etc (I feel like we clicked mentally, could talk for hours) but they might actually be very inhinged and a bit psycho?

MerryMarigold - it was petrifying at the time, then hilarious.

I have also picked that your relationships have happened quickly. I have been told/warned, after being very hurt by someone, to absolutely avoid people who move too much, too soon....and you feel swept away.

This can apply to friends, lovers, work colleagues or neighbours. It's a certain personality who is out to find out what you can do for them [it's nothing to do with what you want]. It's as if they sniff out your vulnerability and use it for their own means. It's someone pushy and demanding attention albeit in subtle, measured ways...at first. Then they go, suddenly, when they work out you don't fit their agenda.

A more sincere person will get to know you slowly, take it steady and it should all feel pleasant and be a gradual bonding. It gives both parties time to breath, to process information, to examine if there is a good match or not, whether the time/situation is right etc. etc.

Since I was told the advice I have been wary and observant and now identify predatory types. And keep them at a permanent distance.

Oh, I thought you slept through the whole thing! Sorry it was scary, but yes, big red flag right there.

Hip i'm another one who seconds the motion- the super keen are indeed the ones who then decide they are not interested, and disappear. It's a warning sign.
In my experience it's after a while longer but it's the same thing. They pursue you, if you can reflect on it they are a bit too pushy, to meet/communicate/see you but it's going well, then "....." Are they ill? Did they join the foreign legion? Nope they just did what ever it is they do (got bored, met someone else, got back with their ex). I've been through this so many times!
I also sympathise re- being ignored, I have a different reason for hating it but it drives me nuts.

So you invited him to a party but didn't actually get there as he was too tired, have I got that right? If that's the case I think that says it all, he's not that keen.

Still no reason to ignore someone.

I figured since we had communicated so well up until this point, he wouldn't feel the need to just cut me out. Especially since his last text said "how about sunday afternoon?"

What a turnaround. Very disappointed, was nice to have someone to talk to and spend time with that seemed to enjoy it just as much as me.

If I do hear from him I think there would probably be no sense in replying?

Did he drive over thinking he was on a promise?

Btw you can still be an ok person and have had a rubbish childhood.

God I hate this feeling.

Your rational side tells you its them, because it is.

But then any insecurity you might have just bubbles out.

I'm still crying.

He was definitely pushy in his communication before, and horny.

This just freaks me out so much, I don't want a man to even look at me now.

Have you had any counselling concerning your last relationship?

hip this is meant in the kindness way but I agree with others but I think counselling would be a good idea. This is not a normal reaction. sorry you are feeling bad.

I think you should remember that healthy and loving relationships are the ones that never make you feel like shit, never get you questioning yourself or going over and over in your head what you said, what he said and trying to read into things to understand what's going on.

I was with an ExP for about a year, who I've now come to realise had serious narcisstic problems. I was given the silent treatment many times and it was horrible.
I stayed in that relationship far too long and am embarassed about how I let myself be treated...

One morning I realised that a good, fun, stable relationship should be and isn't hard work.
If you feel shit, this man isn't for you.

smarty well done for getting out of a shitty relationship and don't feel bad many of us have been shitty relationships. I think OP problem is the OLD syndrome though, it is a nightmare and you have to be very strong.

He may have chased you at first, but you chased him 'big time' at the end.

Learn how to play it cool and let the next man chase you.

You poor thing, your ex has really shaken you up
Definitely agree with those that suggest counselling - your reaction is very intense, so it's not about this guy, it's about everything else going on.

You said you were single for a while, but maybe some more time to actively work on your feelings and responses would be useful.

It sounds to me like this guy was dating other people - pretty common when you use OLD, and not a bad thing. Except when you're dishonest about it or mess someone about! As soon as I read he wanted to change an evening meet to a day meet, I thought - ah, another evening date?

The thing about ghosting though... you associate the going quiet with ignoring you, punishing you. And with your history, I can understand that. (my dad used to send us kids to Coventry for days - I hate silence!)

But something I've learned OLD myself, is that ghosting comes sometimes not from a mean, punishing place - just from a certain level of awkwardness then lazy cowardice.

Last time I wanted to end things with someone (OLD, 6 weeks in) I just didn't know what to say. So... I said nothing. Not to be mean, but because I was still trying to find the words, and because - well, I wasn't as bothered any more. Now I did contact him a few days later, but I went unusually quiet for a few days first.

And I've just seen my male friend do it to a woman he's split up with. She continues to text. He doesn't know what to say - because he doesn't want to say "look, please don't text again". It might be better if he did say that! But he doesn't want to be mean. But each time, he's slower to answer because he's not interested and because he hasn't a clue what to say.

I just want you to see that going quiet isn't always a deliberate attempt at punishment. It's just very triggering for you right now.