Do men cheat because they can or because they're unhappily married

[iwashappy]

Does a man have to be unhappily married to cheat on his wife? Or is it possible a man has been married a long time and maybe it's not that exciting anymore but he's basically happy and thinks he'll get away with it.

It's a year next week I ended my marriage after discovering my husband was having an affair. I'm feeling a bit reflective at the moment probably because of the upcoming date and because a few things have been said recently.

When he was trying to persuade me to give him another chance he said he was happy with me. He excused his cheating by saying it didn't mean anything and he didn't think I would find out. He said he was frustrated by our infrequent sex life and he liked the attention he got elsewhere. He insisted he loved me, never meant to hurt me and didn't want to leave.

Now he's all loved up with the OW and says if he had hindsight he would have left. He stayed because we had commitments together. He said he wasn't honest with me and told me what I wanted to hear. He said he stuck at it because of our children and for financial reasons but there were a lot of reasons he wasn't happy. Apart from our sex life and lack of attention I nagged him too much. We had different views on things and weren't well suited in many ways, I wasn't exciting enough. We didn't have that much in common, I wasn't interested in what he was doing and we led fairly separate lives. I didn't make him feel wanted, I didn't share his interests. I talked about the children all the time and didn't make enough time for him. I didn't show him affection and there was no passion in our marriage anymore.

He said being with OW and getting all of that from her has made him realise how our marriage should have been but hadn't been for a long time. He said he had forgotten what it was like to miss your partner when you were apart.

It suited me to believe my husband had been happy with me despite his cheating. That he was just incredibly selfish and entitled and thought he would get away with it.

However, I know I would never have cheated on him. Leaving aside marriage vows and the children I could never have cheated because I was happy with him. I can't fathom how you can cheat on someone you are happy with. I could maybe understand a one night stand if drunk and full of regret the next day but not an affair.

For context and to not drip feed it turned out my now ex-husband had cheated on me for over twenty years with various women which I was oblivious too. He'd also cheated on his first wife which he'd lied to me about.

I'm thinking that rather than it just being a case of re-writing history my ex-husband wasn't actually happy because I just can't comprehend doing what he did if he had been happy with me.

I know everyone is different and women cheat too so I'm not generalising. I'd just like a bit of insight to see if people think there is a link between unhappiness and cheating or not.

With respect , I'm not sure that a thread entitled

"Do men cheat because they can or because they're unhappily married (101 Posts)"

Is the best place to look for encouraging comments about staying in your marriage after your husband has cheated . Inevitably it's going to be about people's views and experiences of being cheated upon , which won't be positive .

Thanks for your very kind words I was. I hope today is a better day for you as well.

isthismylifenow I have one of those very difficult 'anniversaries' coming up. Two years since a significant event. Through no fault of his own my DH is away on a course that night. Add into this a slow work day yesterday with too much time to read threads on here, a stinking cold, work stresses (as in possible redundancy), hormonal overload as it's that time of the month and glass of wine too many last night and I just completely lost it.

I spent much of yesterday evening sobbing on the settee. Feeling like what is the point of even still being with him if the once a cheat always a cheat thing is right. And knowing I can't even come on this board and post about any struggles I'm having as there will be too many people happy to tell me that it's my own fault for staying or that I'm a delusional idiot to believe it won't happen again.

I don't think it will. But this board is horribly addictive and there are so many horrible stories on here that I start doubting my decisions and him and then end up feeling so very down and low.

Sansoora I can't actually tell if you mean your good wishes at the end of your last post to me, as the strikethroughs make it appear slightly sarcastic. Maybe I'm overthinking still.

If you do mean them, then thanks.

Irian Everything you wrote is exactly how I feel. Thanks. DH isn't a monster, no; a monster wouldn't have held me while I sobbed, and wouldn't wish that I wasn't in so much pain, or sickened that he is the cause of it.

Jones, don't be daft , you CAN post on here . But you need to start a thread ( or join one ) called " support thread for those rebuilding their marriages " or smiliar .

If you put " support thread " in the title, people won't post telling you that you are a delusional idiot .

If you come on threads about cheating , you can't expect positive comments that will make you feel good about the choice you have made. Posters are not going to censor themselves in case it upsets someone who has chosen a different path .

You need to stay away from these threads if they upset you. Not get angry at people who are devastated about what has happened to them or some one close to them . They need a safe place too to sound off about their feelings and experiences .

Jones I'm sorry you had a tough day. It's always lovely to hear from you. For what it's worth, I always think of your accounts of your husband's behaviour after the affair as the way to do it to make a marriage work again. Of course the once a cheater always a cheater is nonsense. The gets spouted, I presume, simply because there are a section of people (many women as you say) who cheat undetected and when opportunity arises throughout their relationships. But most people are flawed and complicated and have at some point in their lives been betrayed and maybe also once or twice the betrayer.

The issue with threads here is that of course there will be man more tales of woe. otherwise there's no incentive or need to post, so it skews things hugely. Also the biggest section of people that need help (in my opinion) are those who stay in relationships and do not resolve or address the affair in a meaningful way, because it is to painful for them to look at fully. This DOES lead often to repeated infidelity, on one side or the another, or continuation of the original affair because the cheater remains emotionally invested and indecisive and the betrayed is in such pain that they are prepared to look the other way over that and wait and wait for comfort. It's awful and common and crucially, not what happened in your situation at all. We are hear to talk if you are having a hard time or doubts. Some people turn up here and say LTB without listening to details and action, which in my mind are everything, and seem to assume this burying is is the case for everyone who stays after an affair (which by the way is most people eventually) and the new shame is attached to staying, whereas it used to be attached to divorce.
Thinking of you!

K1mberl1

There was a thread about marriages in recovery. About the third post in was someone telling us we were all basically kidding ourselves. And even though they were asked not to post on it, they did several times.

And I know from experience that if you choose to handle things slightly differently and not LTB (or in my case kick him out initially for space!), there are posters who are far too willing to kick you when you're down and even say that I was enjoying the drama rather than just give me the hand-holding I asked for the first time I posted about my DH's affair.

Why do people who are going to LTB get more support than those who stay? Either is hard and takes a great deal of courage.

I wasn't looking for comfort last night. Initially I was only offering a different perspective: that some people cheat and regret it and that it isn't just men who cheat and / or are serial cheats.

For some reason Sansoora didn't feel that was OK.

And that made me feel even worse as I'm already feeling quite fragile so I apologised and tried to explain why I was posting. I'm certainly not angry with anyone on here.

Apart from myself for once again trying to get across the point that every situation is different.

I don't think my experiences are any less valid or painful because my DH didn't leave me. Or because I chose to stay and make a go of it. So I do feel it was OK to post what I posted initially.

Not reading threads like this is easier said than done. As I said this board is addictive.

Won't be posting on your thread again and sorry I've derailed it a bit Iwas.

And thanks Blood.

Sansoora I can't actually tell if you mean your good wishes at the end of your last post to me, as the strikethroughs make it appear slightly sarcastic.

This is the second time you've had me when I've offered you sincere and heartfelt good wishes. It will also be the last.

And for what its worth your reply to me today is exactly why Ive never really been able to pass the time of day with you here after you had me the first time. It like walking in a bloody minefield. But today I thought Jones is having a hard time of it so as one woman to another just have a laugh about the first sting in the tail reply months ago and have a go at another one. It wont happen again.

*Sansoora I can't actually tell if you mean your good wishes at the end of your last post to me, as the strikethroughs make it appear slightly sarcastic. Maybe I'm overthinking still.

If you do mean them, then thanks.*

Please re-read the above. I have thanked you if you were being sincere, even though I wasn't sure why there are strikethroughs.

It is hard to gauge the tone of your post to me because of the strikethroughs.

And obviously you have been harbouring some kind of grudge against me for something I have said previously. I don't know what I did to upset you as I have no recollection of it, but whatever it is I am very sorry if I haven't acknowledged something you said to me or have annoyed you in some way.

I have also said that I may be confused by the strikethroughs because I am overthinking.

I think your response is very harsh and unwarranted. Especially as I had already apologised for posting in this thread in the first place, even though I still think anyone who has been cheated on has a right to post based on their experiences.

So thanks for making someone in a very bad place right now feel like a compete and utter bitch.

Do you honestly think that he will be faithful to the OW? No way. Just count your blessings that you are out of this relationship. He's a serial cheat. He will end up alone. I've been where you are. I now have a lovely DH, who would never cheat. ExH has cheated on all the GF he's had since me. He's now approaching 50 and all ALONE. Just draw a line under this and move on.

Woah! Calm down sansoora. I don't see anything jones has said to warrant being called a 'nasty cow' or a 'bitch'. Christ this stuff is hard enough.....

FWIW from what Iwas has written she was 100% right to end the marriage. Her ex was an utter selfish self-centred moron and probably will be for the rest of his life. But generalisations really don't contribute much - not all people act the same or react the same.

I didn't single out your post to be vindictive.

My post had obviously annoyed you in some way because you replied to it and said it wasn't relevant to the point of the thread.

I have apologised for that this morning and I only mentioned you as someone who obviously didn't like my first couple of posts, not to have a go at you.

I had also apologised for apparently upsetting you on a previous thread even though I still don't know how or when.

I'm sorry you also think I'm a nasty cow, but you are of course free to think whatever you want of me.

Once again, I'm sorry for upsetting you at all. That was never my intention with anything I've posted here and I really hope you accept my apology.

Woah! Calm down sansoora. I don't see anything jones has said to warrant being called a 'nasty cow' or a 'bitch'. Christ this stuff is hard enough..... sad

No I wont calm down. To throw a woman's genuine and heartfelt good wishes in her face once is bad enough but to do it a second time is beyond the pale.

And I do know how hard this is. Ive got the T-Shirt.

I have explained that the strikethroughs confused me as they suggested I had dismissed good wishes off you before. I have no recollection of that at all, and I'm sorry if I did it before.

I said if the wishes were genuine, then thanks. And I said I may be overhinking stuff.

I honestly don't know what else to say.

I am sorry I ever posted on here to begin with. I am sorry I've angered you.

Sansoora, that was a disgusting thing to call someone, you should be ashamed.

At the risk of seeming like the woman in the pub going 'leave it, it's not worth it!' I think there's a lot of pain around and a lot of vulnerability. I think that other thread is really triggering, that 'worst thing about being cheated on' one and I think no one here really wants to upset anyone else. Tone online is notoriously tricky. both Sansoora and Jones have been really supportive and lovely on mumsnet to others in need and I know Sansoora meant no ill will originally. Even Jones herself is aware stepping away from mumset can be a good thing when it comes to trying to heal a scar. And it's really hard to look for support and find the same thing over and over that can feel like it's attacking your decision even when maybe it isn't consciously.

I think maybe it's worth seeing it as manifestations of the amount of pain and vulnerability affairs have caused.

Thank you so much for all your thoughts, they have helped a lot.

I know my ex husband's cheating was down to him but I do have periods of doubt when I wonder if things might have been different if I hadn't taken things for granted. I was having one of these periods when I started this thread so thank you for helping reinforce that it was down to him.

Some of your comments have also helped me in looking at his behaviour in the areas he criticised me for. Maybe if he had behaved differently then I would have to. I think there's some truth in that and I feel better for realising that.

Raven thank you, your post really helped in making me think about things in a different way.

"You nagged him too much --> He was lazy" He wasn't lazy but spent too much time working and he should have made more time to do things he needed to at home and spent more time here. Especially as he doesn't spend as much time working since he's been with OW.

"You were not exciting --> He didn't excite you" I had other priorities and we possibly differed in our opinions as to what was exciting. Raising children is hard work and tiring, being exciting wasn't really a consideration.

"You weren't interested in what he did --> What he did was boring or he made it seem that way" Having DIY explained in detail and I mean detail is boring. Hearing the same phrases and stories over and over is boring. He wasn't interested in what I did a lot of the time.

"You led separate lives --> He led a separate life to you" he did lead a separate life to me in that he did his own thing and wasn't interested in us doing things together. He worked in the evenings and a lot of the weekends whether it be working or pottering around outside or taking the dog out. If I suggested doing something together he said he was too busy.

"You didn't make him feel wanted --> He didn't make you feel wanted" hard question to think about but possibly he didn't make me feel wanted although I didn't feel that way at the time. Subconsciously and thinking about it now we did have distance between us in some areas of our relationship.

"You didn't share his interests --> He didn't share them with you" I probably wasn't that interested in them but that wasn't any different to when we met and it wasn't a problem then for him.

"You talked about the children all the time --> He didn't give you anything else to talk about" I thought it was the main topic for both of us. If he'd wanted to do more together he would have given us other things to talk about that were about us but he didn't do that.

"You didn't make enough time for him --> He didn't give you any reason to set time aside for him" I didn't have time for myself a lot of the time let alone for him. When I did have time I was tired. He could have done more and if he had I would probably have found more time for him. As I would have done if he'd talked to me about it.

"You didn't show him affection --> He didn't show you affection" any affection towards him, a kiss or a cuddle, would be taken by him as a possible opportunity for sex. If he'd seen it for what it was rather than trying to turn it into something more he would have got more affection. I would have liked a kiss and a cuddle a lot more often than we did but he stopped bothering a lot of the time. We could have communicated better.

"There was no passion --> He didn't make you feel passionate" I was too tired to feel passionate that often. He had unrealistic expectations such as still wanting to chase me up the stairs in the middle of the day. It just wasn't going to happen anymore.

You are right that he never told me he was unhappy. Apart from wanting more sex he didn't talk to me about how he now claims he felt. I think he probably is comparing our marriage to his relationship with OW which is probably still at the exciting stage.

"Until then he was just as "happy" as you living in a familiar world where you thought you must both be happy otherwise you wouldn't be there." This is very much how I felt things were.

Thank you so much.

Blood I very much agree with your last post about vulnerability. It was palpable in some of the posts on Friday.

I know myself that I'm an awful lot more sensitive than I was before I knew my ex-husband had cheated on me. Certainly more vulnerable and it can be hard reading posts on here sometimes.

For people that haven't gone through this hell it is very difficult to convey how all invasive the pain is and how deeply it affects so many aspects of your life and your state of mind that you wouldn't have thought of.

Jones I hope you've had a better few days.

iwashappy I have just found your post & though I haven't read all the replies. I just wanted to say that at just over a year on since my stbxh cheated & left me & our baby I too am having the same thoughts.
I did think I was getting over it, but like you said it stays with you for a long time & has you questioning everything, I'm really struggling with depression & low self esteem & find it difficult that he is still with ow & has told anyone who will listen that the breakdown of our marriage was both our fault. I was oblivious to his unhappiness, I was pregnant & we had just lost his mother to cancer, it was a tough time, but I was doing what I could to be a good wife & have us stand together through it all, he tells me we lived separate lives, but that was because he was obsessed with the gym & I was carrying a baby! He says we didn't have sex, I tried to initiate things but his lack of interest in me made me feel my pregnant state was repulsive to him. We did struggle with this side of our relationship but since meeting a new man, I've come to realise that exh never really made me feel wanted, I did not enjoy sex with him as it was cold & dispassionate.
He tells people we slept in separate beds, again throughout my pregnancy I had insomnia, and back pain, I went to the spare bed most nights to let him sleep uninterrupted.

I know I have to accept he will never take responsibility for what he did, it just stings that his family & our mutual friends will hear what he says & believe it all to be true. Are we both to blame? I think it's a little unfair given the circumstances we went through, I didn't get a chance to have my child & get back to being the wife he remembered, he'd already replaced me.
None of this matters now of course, but I still lay awake wondering if I was that terrible, boring person he makes me out to be & if I'm likely to push my new partner away by repeating the same patterns.

Jones, your post stood out. I believe it can happen. Think positive, and we can once again be happy.

You're very kind to be thinking of me Iwas, especially after the direction this thread took because of me.

I'm really sorry it got derailed slightly. I'm also really sorry for upsetting Sansoora. It was never my intention to annoy or hurt anyone.

I tend to think that with relationships however hard we try to analyse them on a higher level the sex side is of vital importance. I'm not saying OPs ex H would have behaved much differently if she had not been tired etc. but there is a mantra on here that if one party doesn't want sex the other party should put up with it. Once a partner does not feel desired - and feeling desired is very important - the relationship is in trouble.If you want more sex than you are getting or a different sort of sex to some people the logic is to look elsewhere. Once the other partner has found sex somewhere else then the very niceness of the new partner who is not picking up dirty socks etc. and who has every opportunity to be "perfect" is going to make them a strong draw.

We have also become very child centred in our family life these days. My mother, who is nearly 90, commented recently that her own parents ( 6 children) used to make them all play outside on Sunday afternoon because they were very tired and had to go back to bed. I think my old granny knew a thing or two! Date nights etc. are vital.

I understand that the H is around 60, so the novelty and excitement of the new relationship may well "see him out" as it were.