Do men cheat because they can or because they're unhappily married

[iwashappy]

Does a man have to be unhappily married to cheat on his wife? Or is it possible a man has been married a long time and maybe it's not that exciting anymore but he's basically happy and thinks he'll get away with it.

It's a year next week I ended my marriage after discovering my husband was having an affair. I'm feeling a bit reflective at the moment probably because of the upcoming date and because a few things have been said recently.

When he was trying to persuade me to give him another chance he said he was happy with me. He excused his cheating by saying it didn't mean anything and he didn't think I would find out. He said he was frustrated by our infrequent sex life and he liked the attention he got elsewhere. He insisted he loved me, never meant to hurt me and didn't want to leave.

Now he's all loved up with the OW and says if he had hindsight he would have left. He stayed because we had commitments together. He said he wasn't honest with me and told me what I wanted to hear. He said he stuck at it because of our children and for financial reasons but there were a lot of reasons he wasn't happy. Apart from our sex life and lack of attention I nagged him too much. We had different views on things and weren't well suited in many ways, I wasn't exciting enough. We didn't have that much in common, I wasn't interested in what he was doing and we led fairly separate lives. I didn't make him feel wanted, I didn't share his interests. I talked about the children all the time and didn't make enough time for him. I didn't show him affection and there was no passion in our marriage anymore.

He said being with OW and getting all of that from her has made him realise how our marriage should have been but hadn't been for a long time. He said he had forgotten what it was like to miss your partner when you were apart.

It suited me to believe my husband had been happy with me despite his cheating. That he was just incredibly selfish and entitled and thought he would get away with it.

However, I know I would never have cheated on him. Leaving aside marriage vows and the children I could never have cheated because I was happy with him. I can't fathom how you can cheat on someone you are happy with. I could maybe understand a one night stand if drunk and full of regret the next day but not an affair.

For context and to not drip feed it turned out my now ex-husband had cheated on me for over twenty years with various women which I was oblivious too. He'd also cheated on his first wife which he'd lied to me about.

I'm thinking that rather than it just being a case of re-writing history my ex-husband wasn't actually happy because I just can't comprehend doing what he did if he had been happy with me.

I know everyone is different and women cheat too so I'm not generalising. I'd just like a bit of insight to see if people think there is a link between unhappiness and cheating or not.

Amsterdam yes he has to justify his cheating, at least to himself, to convince himself that he's not a cheating bastard.

He was chasing the hairdresser when his relationship with OW was still an affair, he's cut her off since. His relationship with OW seems to have developed since then, it's only since he left that he seems to be happy again.

Tribpot he didn't have kids with his first wife. He gave her chlamydia instead, bastard. He said they got married too young and had grown apart, they'd been together since they were teenagers.

He claims he first cheated on me when our son was a baby but I only have his word for that. When I found out about his affair with the OW which ended our marriage he'd repeatedly denied cheating on me before. He only admitted cheated on me before after OW said he had told her he had cheated on me before. So he could easily be lying but I have no way of knowing. He minimised the entire way through so it's fairly likely he is about this as well. On that basis there's a high chance he did cheat on me before we had children.

He has to be happy or his narrative falls apart.

He knows what he did to you (even if you hide it), your daughter and your son. Convincing himself every day that he is a good, decent man must take a whole lot of hard work...

He didn't cut the hairdresser off - she wasn't interested (and then made things a whole lot more difficult for him by blabbing to you).

He obviously likes to have a stable, loyal wife at home whilst enjoying flings with other women. He did that in his first marriage and second marriage. What is the likelihood of his 3rd marriage being any different? Thankfully that's not your problem (and OW knows it).

Vile vile vile (him, that is).

Not only does he have a waggling dick attached to a giant ego, he blames YOU for it. Thrice vile.

Plus My ex-husband has always relied on charm rather than looks!

Charm is deceptive, as the good book says. Charm is most often the hallmark of an abuser.

I really wouldn't believe one word that comes out of his mouth: mouth moving, he's lying.

I don't know about other cheats but it's quite clear what sort he is. Yuk.

Some men cheat because they can; they'll never change. They'll end up sad, lonely old men with saggy bums

He needs to be the centre of attention with exciting sex on demand but preferably the comfort and status of a home. If ow produced an infant, he would replicate his behaviour as she would not be wholly available to him.

I would guess that he needs to justify himself to himself and needs to think if himself as a good father. He won't have thought of what constitutes a good husband save for bringing home part if the bacon and being there in emergencies.

I'd guess the exciting sex is important. When it starts getting accustomed he will wander.

It's not you. It's him. He hasn't grown up beyond the teenage years. Watch the inbetweeners and decide which one he is..

Iwas - please stop giving this man the time to spout the nonsense he does. Just please stop. Please just accept he was one of those men who could not stay faithful to anyone and as a result he became a liar and manipulator of the highest order - and he's just proved the latter by telling you why he wasn't happy and he wishes he'd left earlier.

And please do not compare yourself to what he's with now. She knew he was married, she lived next door to you, and all that your husband has now is a woman who's probably very much like him. Of course they'll be happy! But what kind of happiness is it in real terms?

I often wonder if you had a scab on your arm you'd pick it off and fill your wound with salt because thats what you seem to do with this man - you constantly let him rub salt in your wound.

We were both married to the same kind of man and I know how hard it is to deal with what went on. Three years later I still have bad days, in fact I packed up my daughter and grandchildren yesterday and we've booked into a very swish hotel for an overnight stay - and all because of something my husband said that left me howling with pain for her. For all of us actually. We are having a great time and thats how you need to be dealing with your XH's antics - get out there and enjoy life. If he hurts you - use 'enjoying life' as a medicine. You dont have to run around as if you're own speed, you dont have to shout your happiness from the rooftops because lets face it - it was a lifetime eh and that is very hard, almost impossible actually, to get over.

Ive know Im better when my husband stay away from where we are because for some of us no contact really is the best way forward, and with the type of men we were married to it most definitely is the best way forward. So please do yourself a favour untangle your life from this man. And Im going to be brutally honest here, and Im sorry if it hurts, but you must also stop using your daughter and her fathers relationship as an excuse for holding on in there.

Please, for your own health and sanity, get away from this man because out of sight really does equal out of mind in a very big way!

Home life is likely to become all the "same" after all those years, for some that's comfortable, for some boring. The same walls, the same meals, the same squabbling kids, the same older wife. the same routine.

OW must be getting up & putting on her false eyelashes in the morning before he gets up, she must be primping, & attentive & gushing over him. Discovering his favourite meal & providing a new fab house.
For Sid its like being a God, all the attention, younger rump, plus her money means he doesn't risk having to use /lose his.
But he is getting older, & may not be able to pull as easily as before, he may decide he should stop taking the risk, Phew, he nearly blew it all when you threw him out. What if Flooz hadn't wanted a full on relationship? He wouldn't be so fucking cocky then.
So whatever it is, She may want a baby, he may start to put on his slippers & become a dribbling old man with prostate problems.
For now this is what has fallen in his lap, & you bet he's "happy" & telling you he should have done it before, He so very nearly ended up in a bachelor flat alone.

Never EVER would he tell you "I miss the comfort of home" EVER. So stop wanting to hear it, & stop letting the bastard hurt you. keep house hunting, keep going out, meet new people, start a new hobby, change your hair, buy some new clothes, start enjoying your freedom & stop looking back.

Mix thank you. I would hate to be in OW's shoes actually, I could have stayed with him but chose not to. I couldn't do what she must be having to do - making so much effort to please him all the time and knowing that if she doesn't his history suggests he will find another woman to give him what he thinks he's lacking at home.

She probably feels she can't ever say no to sex, has to pay him lots of attention and be interested in everything he does. Living with the fear of what he will go and do if she doesn't. Not for me.

Megan it's what you are saying really isn't it. He's happy because she is doing exactly what he wants her to do because she thinks it's the only way he won't cheat on her.

Actually, I have been thinking long and hard about this exact thing too. am allso going through a difficult time, and after a number of years after his affair and staying, I see now that it can't work anymore. I also had all the excuses, the sex was boring, too much attention on the dc, been married so long now he loves me but isnt IN love with me etc etc, you know, the usual script....

My father is a serial cheater. When I found out about my dh affair some years back, I made the mistake of discussing it with him. His response was not of care and consideration for me and the dc and to help me forward. His response was, "oh well you will get over it, anyway all men cheat" . So, that is from a man who seems to think that its ok. The man who slept around with other women all through my childhood and up until today he still is, although he is married a few times over now. Lately I am starting to believe him, as it seems that it is just happening all too often these days....

Another reason I think, is the thrill. They are doing something risky and dont want to be caught out, but there is always the risk that they will be... that is a turn on for some people, I know this for a fact. A good friend of mine was seeing a OMM, and he told her, the risk factor was one of the things that he enjoyed.... He would be messaging her from his bedroom while his wife was sleeping next to him ffs!

I also have been reading all the replies, and taken a lot of this in too. I have a long road ahead too, but I do know now that 'the script' was just that.......thats what they all seem to say.....

Good luck OP and I wish you strength going forward and especially now, a year one at this time of year. Next year I will make a post and we can all check in and see where we are at that point .

sansoora - great post!

mix56 - dribbling old man with prostate problems ? You know my twat then :-)

I don't think there is a one size answer fits all. Apart from maybe they are just selfish gits, or at least make the selfish decision to put their own immediate happiness and gratification above everything and everyone else in their lives.

The 'reasons' may be myriad, but ultimately that's why, surely? (I use the term 'reasons' loosely!)

I would like to point out that it isn't just men who cheat. Women do too. The title should read 'why do cheats cheat' really.

In my wider circle of friends / acquaintances more of the women I know have cheated than the men.

Or at least have been found out.

Oh and all the serial 'cheats' I know are women.

People cheat because they are twats.

Or they were behaving like twats at the time. Doesn't mean they are twats.

I wish we could get past this whole all cheats will cheat again mantra. It's not necessarily true.

Of course there are serial cheats. There are also people who cheat once, regret it massively and work hard on themselves so they don't do it and hurt their partner again. Whether it was the partner they cheated on or a future partner.

I'm sure I'll get flamed for my POV but from my own experience and looking around me at my wide range of friends and acquaintances I can see both examples.

Jones, Jeez, whats up?

I dont know why you think you'd be flamed though I did think they came across a bit differently in tone from how you normally post.

Iwas simply asked a question relating to her experience as a wife so it was quite alright for her to say 'men' in her title.

And of course women cheat but that wasn't the point of this thread.

And yes, you want to get past the 'cheats will cheat again' mantra because as a cheated wife who got things back on track you really do need to believe it. But the fact is that you can only live like every other women out there who hasn't been cheated on/has been cheated on and hope it never happens or happens again.

Im always happy when people get things back on track but Im not sure they're ever in the position to say just because he did it once doesn't mean he'll do it again. But I can well understand why they have to say it and believe it.

Sansoora.

What's up is that I guess I'm fed up of reading it time and time again on this site.
It's so thoroughly depressing. It's not helpful and it's not always true.

I'm just so sick of trying to find positive stories on this site to help me along my journey.

And I know I'm looking in the wrong place.

But sometimes it would help if there wasn't so much generalising going on.

I'm sorry if I've offended anyone. I didn't mean to.

Yes things are mainly back on track but some days it's very hard and I guess last night was the end one of them.

This and the thread about the worst thing about being cheated on have really got to me. Shouldn't have posted. Sorry I was and everyone else.

BIl cheated and got found out

He is now more "careful" and "only" goes to prostitutes when on business trips so less likely to be found out.

He cheats because his wife cannot fulfil all his sexual fantasies, which he feels he is entitled to.

I know all this because we used to be good friends and he cried down the phone when he thought his wife had found out and he would lose everything.

She forgave him, and decided to trust him again....

Jones

What happened last night?

Everybody has a different situation. It just has happened that these two threads came up recently and it has been a bit of an outlet for those of us who have thought that things could work out and it didnt, or things didnt work out even before trying again.

I have been in your situation. I know it is hard to find positive stories, but they are there. Not necessarily on this site, but there are support forums out there. And everyone can do with a bit of support along the way. But at the end of the day, whatever is posted here regarding divorce etc, doesnt apply to you. And as I said, not every situation is the same. Even for those of us posting here as an outlet who are now single/remarried etc, all have different situations. We deal with it however we can, no matter what our circumstances.

It just happens that the majority of the posters here havent ended up working things out. Its not to say that it doesnt happen though. It does and it can.

Jones, I think its human nature in that people who go through this experience and reconcile with their partner don't want to look back for loads of reasons with one of them being there are so many people out there who will say 'ah how do you know he wont do it again'.

I know how difficult it can be to work things out and Im sorry its still painful for you at times. You have every right to have faith and hope in your present day as well as your future and Im sorry its so easy for people to throw cold water on your dreams. So if it helps and you once told me, probably at the end of another hard day, that you didn't need me to tell you I thought you were going to get your happy ending I wish you and yours all the love and joy that comes with a long and happy marriage.

I think he's the one that should be pondering on what he didn't do to protect his marriage, instead of trying to negate his responsibility by (insultingly) putting the blame on what you may or may not have done.
What did he do to make you feel special enough to be intimate? (Not just in the hour before he probably expected to intimate!) What was he doing to make you feel the need to nag? Was it really nagging or just him not taking his responsibilities seriously?
The trouble is there's no point in trying to work out why he had an affair because it wasn't your choice or your fault. The fault lies with him and his choices. He's the one that was reckless with your marriage.

Now he's all loved up with the OW

Well he'd look a bit of an idiot to leave his DCs and you if he wasn't so it could all be a sham.

Well you don't know her view, she might have made it clear he tries hard this time and is less selfish - hence the 'loved up' image.

Has he shrugged off the responsibility and work of running a family home? Plenty of time to look loved up in that case.

He hasn't had time to get bored with OW yet.

Who knows how things are behind closed doors - you are making assumptions on limited info- he could have a bit on the side already.

Jones no need to apologise and sorry yesterday wasn't a good day for you. It was a year yesterday I ended my marriage so it wasn't a great day for me neither. Still very hard a year on.

My ex was a serial cheat both on me and his first wife. I'm sure there are men (and women) who cheat just once and deeply regret it and wouldn't do it again. Sadly my ex just learnt how to be more careful after his first wife left him.

I have read and posted on that other thread and it is very hard reading it. I'm sorry if this thread made things harder for you yesterday.

I hope you have a better day today and things do work out for you.

I read what you say and this is what I see

You nagged him too much --> He was lazy
You were not exciting --> He didn't excite you
You weren't interested in what he did --> What he did was boring or he made it seem that way
You led separate lives --> He led a separate life to you
You didn't make him feel wanted --> He didn't make you feel wanted
You didn't share his interests --> He didn't share them with you
You talked about the children all the time --> He didn't give you anything else to talk about
You didn't make enough time for him --> He didn't give you any reason to set time aside for him
You didn't show him affection --> He didn't show you affection
There was no passion --> He didn't make you feel passionate

The thing is, if he didn't tell you he was unhappy or try to change any of these things, how were you to know that he wanted anything different? I would bet that in fact he only realised these things after he found himself in a brand new relationship in which, of course, everything was dangerous exciting and furtive passionate. Until then he was just as "happy" as you living in a familiar world where you thought you must both be happy otherwise you wouldn't be there.

MsKaty the main reason why my ex and I were not intimate as often as he wanted once we had our children was because I was exhausted all the time. Because he focused on the business I had very little help around the house. I had my son to look after during the day and was normally catching up with the housework in the evenings. I had very little time to myself.

Ex was good with the children, he'd get up in the night, bath them and so forth and he did and does work hard. But the idea of telling me to put my feet up while he did housework once the children were asleep didn't happen at all.

So cuddling up on the sofa, suggesting an early night, putting his arms round me in the kitchen or a kiss in bed were his version of getting me in the mood. I just wanted to get a few hours sleep while I could.

I don't think I did nag him. I asked him to do jobs around the house that were his jobs, not talking housework I mean fixing things, DIY, decorating etc. Or to bring something in from the garage. Apparently his version of nagging included me telling him more than once that his dinner was ready, normally when it was inconvenient for him because he was in the middle of something.

I also found from his texts to OW that he "wouldn't have heard the end of it" if he'd told me he got sunburnt on his back because he didn't put sun cream on. So he didn't tell me and got her to put after sun on it instead. Nice to know caring if he got skin cancer or not constituted going on at him.

"But sometimes it would help if there wasn't so much generalising going on."

Quite. It gets depressing and irritating. And being told that you must be delusional, stupid, in denial really makes you angry after a while too.

I don't believe that I am any more likely to be cheated on by my H again any more than be any other man I might be with. In fact maybe less likely as he has seen what it did to me and he isn't a monster. Hindsight is a wonderful and useful thing.