Do men cheat because they can or because they're unhappily married

[iwashappy]

Does a man have to be unhappily married to cheat on his wife? Or is it possible a man has been married a long time and maybe it's not that exciting anymore but he's basically happy and thinks he'll get away with it.

It's a year next week I ended my marriage after discovering my husband was having an affair. I'm feeling a bit reflective at the moment probably because of the upcoming date and because a few things have been said recently.

When he was trying to persuade me to give him another chance he said he was happy with me. He excused his cheating by saying it didn't mean anything and he didn't think I would find out. He said he was frustrated by our infrequent sex life and he liked the attention he got elsewhere. He insisted he loved me, never meant to hurt me and didn't want to leave.

Now he's all loved up with the OW and says if he had hindsight he would have left. He stayed because we had commitments together. He said he wasn't honest with me and told me what I wanted to hear. He said he stuck at it because of our children and for financial reasons but there were a lot of reasons he wasn't happy. Apart from our sex life and lack of attention I nagged him too much. We had different views on things and weren't well suited in many ways, I wasn't exciting enough. We didn't have that much in common, I wasn't interested in what he was doing and we led fairly separate lives. I didn't make him feel wanted, I didn't share his interests. I talked about the children all the time and didn't make enough time for him. I didn't show him affection and there was no passion in our marriage anymore.

He said being with OW and getting all of that from her has made him realise how our marriage should have been but hadn't been for a long time. He said he had forgotten what it was like to miss your partner when you were apart.

It suited me to believe my husband had been happy with me despite his cheating. That he was just incredibly selfish and entitled and thought he would get away with it.

However, I know I would never have cheated on him. Leaving aside marriage vows and the children I could never have cheated because I was happy with him. I can't fathom how you can cheat on someone you are happy with. I could maybe understand a one night stand if drunk and full of regret the next day but not an affair.

For context and to not drip feed it turned out my now ex-husband had cheated on me for over twenty years with various women which I was oblivious too. He'd also cheated on his first wife which he'd lied to me about.

I'm thinking that rather than it just being a case of re-writing history my ex-husband wasn't actually happy because I just can't comprehend doing what he did if he had been happy with me.

I know everyone is different and women cheat too so I'm not generalising. I'd just like a bit of insight to see if people think there is a link between unhappiness and cheating or not.

I think the people who cheat are the ones who are in love with the idea of "being in love" and when that wears off they begin seeking it again. It's addictive, akin to drug taking actually. They say there is no madness like being in love.

I actually agree with this.

My DH exW had an affair which ended her marriage to him.

She moved in OM then 6 years later cheated on him.

Moved in new partner and apparently that is now on the rocks after 5 years.

Hi iwas. Unfortunately there isn't a rule for everyone, people and circumstances vary too much to say always this or always that. There's so many moving parts. It's very very rare for a marriage to recover after an affair in which the cheater falls in love with someone else and confesses as much to their partner. This isn't because the original relationship was necessarily terrible, just that the trust and fear and self-protection inevitably triggered by such a thing are appallingly difficult to recover from.

In answer to your original question, it sounds very much like he is rewriting history. It's likely that if you remember your relationship as happy, then it was. The rewriting is a necessary psychological crutch for the person who has caused so much pain and justifies their behaviour whilst also allowing them to leave with the heroism of having 'tried'. It's something that more narcissistic personalities do, people who find other people's view of them very important. They like their own reflection to look good, and this involves balancing adulation from both lovers and partners.

Since the vast majority of infidelity is never uncovered, it's often likely that someone who manages to conduct a protracted affair within a relationship has been unfaithful before, in that relationship and others. With that sort of relaxed entitlement (I am broadly happy in my relationship but if I get the chance elsewhere and I think I won't get found out, I will). This is a mindset, however subconscious and I've obsevered it in many men I know and a lot of young women too (who are about equally likely to be unfaithful. This drops off after mid-thirties).

I'm afraid the beginning of ALL relationships have a happy, buoyant period. That's what you're observing now. It's highly likely this will swap around as things sour his end and you find your own bounce. I'm so sorry you've been through this. It is absolutely not your fault.

Sorry you have been through this. Similar story to mine, except I an giving him another chance. So I have no advice. But also would like to know Why.

LetGo thanks. I suppose I thought before he was justifying it to himself but I've started to think that maybe he was unhappy recently so thank you for your reassurance.

It does make sense that he has to convince himself he is happy with OW. The problem is he appears happy in his demeanour rather than him just saying he's happy.

My ex-husband has always relied on charm rather than looks!

TimeTo I really appreciate your "This is not about you, or what you did and didn't give to him. This is something inherently wrong within him" comment. That really helps a lot, thank you.

whether he was happy or unhappy he cheated on you iwas and please don't lose sight of that. My exh said exactly the same thing to me. I couldn't quite reconcile his story of longstanding unhappiness with the fact that I had had absolutely no idea of it.

you trusted your exH as I trusted mine. they let us, their children and themselves down. I'm not sure happiness had much to do with any of it really.

Keep going. it gets easier

To answer your question.
Real men don't cheat no matter the circumstance.
End of story.

Your ex likes the beginning part of relationships, and he's always been looking for that. Please don't brush over the fact that his first marriage ended after an affair, one that possibiliy gave his first wife an sti. It really is him, not you.

no matter which version is true, he sounds an arse.

He told you what you wanted to hear. He says you "nagged" him. This translates equally as well to "I wouldn't listen to you, I wouldn't Hear you" and yet in his case he still wanted his needs met despite his not listening to you and not hearing you. he cast you in the role of a nag.

I'd let the OW have him. Hard I'm sure, to face christmas as a single woman when you're not used to it. I'm so used to it, christmas no harder than any other time of year.

I AGree with posters saying he's re-writing history to suit whatever his agenda is in the moment! if he is contemplating getting back with you he'll tell you he was happy with you and the sex meant nothing, then later, he's telling you that the relationship with the OW is showing him what a relationship should be like.......... hmm, ne'er a thought to who focuses on HIS children.

"If I'd made more effort with him when our son was a baby he might not have cheated"

Nope - that's the point in time which he should have been putting the effort in to his family, instead he chose to make an effort starting something new.

I can answer the question in your thread-title with absolute confidence. Men cheat because they can.

And, quite possibly, so do women.

he gave his first wife an sti?

OK, launch him towards his third wife and wash your hands of him. Yell goodbye as the door slams. and don't allow him to present you with his re-written versions of history all the time.

Cabrinha, I know what you mean. I can like different things about different men.

I think that there is a certain 'type' of man that is always going to be affair material. I am afraid i was that your ex-h was one of them. They are the sort of man who love the 'idea' of family, wife and children but who cannot put in any of the work that goes with it. Invariably these men will be 'father of the year' . Everyone will know when they are with the kids, it's Disney time ! all larger than life and fun fun fun, but once out of the limelight they are not interested. The spotlight has gone from them, there is no joy in washing/ironing uniform, helping with homework etc. typically the wives of these men devote ALL their time effort and emotion into their children, they get all their emotional fulfilment from their dcs... Inevitably poor old h gets ignored, his wife doesn't have the time or inclination to hang on his every word and massage his ego. Cue OW. She of course DOES have the time and inclination - man realises what he has been missing. He can justify it - there are women who will pander to my every need and hang on every last word.. My wife chooses not to ! Then of course he has the dilemma. Do I stay or leave. If I leave then others may think less of me... But if I stay, I will not get the attention I deserve.. Simple solution ! I will rewrite history and justify leaving. For many men these second (or third) lrt last - especially if they are post children. Men like this really can't compete with children - eow is just about perfect for them, they can do the fun stuff with none of the dredge. Get to be 'dad of the year' with minimum input. The other 12 days a fortnight their partner can focus on them and them alone... I know at least six couples in these sort of relationships. All are very solid and long lasting, as man gets undivided attention (for that read regular on demand sex) and woman has invariably snagged herself someone else's well healed husband..

Or, they are a hypocritical fucker and want to control their partner's sex life while still putting it about themselves

This is a very interesting comment . I wonder if in fact serial adultery is not about love or sex, but about power and control . Like so much abuse - rape , sexual assault, domestic violence , sexual abuse . So many people think these about about the perpetrators wanting or even needing sex, when it's about control .

That would explain why they don't just get together with someone else who is poly ( or is it better to say wants a poly lifestyle? ). Because the mutuality takes away all the fun . The stuff about " checking that the others persons need are being met " isn't on their radar. Because the partners of cheaters dont have needs of their own , do they? It's all about the cheater and how he / she feels .

When I read the OP , I don't see where her Ex talks about her needs and how he tried to meet them . It's all about him and how she just didn't do everything he wanted . Damn it, she even had her own views and opinions .

OP

I don't think there is anything that I can add that hasn't already been written by other posters. I just want to add my voice to the general consensus here.

His actions weren't right.
There is no grey area here. If you're in a committed monogamous marriage, absolutely nothing justifies cheating. If you're unhappy/ unfulfilled then you try and fix it. If it can't be fixed. Then leave.
The human brain however is wired to protect us.
So to justify his shitty actions, he's created a tale that allows him to believe that what he did was ok. (It's ok, you're not alone, I'm on the receiving end of the same bullshit)

I think being in a reflective mood is a good thing, for you. Listen, we could always be a better plus one. No one is perfect. If this reflection makes you tweak some things and approach life differently then so be it. But don't take any of his bullshit on our shoulders.

But why do men cheat?
Because they can.
Because they're bored
Because they want to
Because they don't fancy you anymore
Because they want to feel that first rush with someone new
Because they want their cake and they want to eat it
Because they think it's harmless and the other half will never find out
Because what if no one else ever wants them??
Because they are gay
Because they have kinky sexual desires you cannot fulfil (because they didn't tell you)

The list of why is long.
But here's the thing. Many don't. One day. I will find one of them.

Yes, Kr1stina I think you're right. An affair is almost always a relationship where power is imbalanced. Assuming one is single and one is married, the single one is expected to put their own life on hold whenever the married one is available, because the married one's time is more compromised. Oftentimes because the single one's life becomes a series of interrupted moments they become fixated on the married one, giving the married one more power.

There are loads of ways in which someone who wanted to reject monogamy could do it. You could say up front: there will always be a mistress. I will keep her hidden from you, always show respect towards you and your status as my wife will not be challenged. Is that a fair deal to you? And the woman would then have the option to say yes or not to the deal. I think the OP's ex can't say that, despite the repeated cheating in both his first and second marriages, because he has to see himself as the good guy. And quite possibly because the secrecy and concentration of attention, the imbalance of power, excites him.

Put it this way, OP. If you had had an affair, do you think it would have been 100% about him and what he had done and not done? No. It would have been about you and what you wanted. It's the same with him. The affairs were not about you. Time to start accepting that and giving him far less headspace - he deserves none at all.

Iwas, your ex was a serial cheat in his previous marriage too so that very much points to it being him and not you.

I think that the first thing you need to be a serial cheat is a lack of moral compass, which enables the situation. Then you need the energy and drive to conduct and keep hidden the various affairs - usually it's the ego boost that gives them the drive - they get off on the illicit nature of it, the power of keeping secrets they shouldn't have, it makes the sex so much more exciting for them. And thirdly you need the ability to delude yourself that you are justified in having the affair, because long term, no-one likes to feel like a total shit - we all have to live with ourselves and our conscience and that's why these people rewrite history.
The justification he is telling you now - that's consistent with the third thing, the self-delusion. He feels much happier if he convinces himself and OW and maybe your children too that it was your fault.

He is really toxic Iwas, you should pity anyone who comes into contact with him. This is all about him making himself feel big and good at your expense. I hope he is not poisoning your daughter's mind with all this crap and if there is any chance he is, she needs to be kept away from him.

Hi iwas. I've not been on here for a long time but I couldn't not respond to your post. It is so sad that you are still blaming yourself for what happened. There was absolutely nothing you could have done - nothing.

He was and still is a bad man. Do not let him deceive you further. Why do you believe that he is deliriously happy now? Because he told you? He is a proven liar. You, like me, believe the lies that cause you pain. It is nonsense. He has to come across as the happiest man on the planet because if he isn't he has ruined his life for nothing. The pain he has caused you and the children has to be 'worth' it so they make themselves believe it is, in whatever way they possibly can. Don't allow these lies in because that's all they are.

I doubt they will stay together but you have to try and imagine that they will because waiting for it to go wrong is putting your life on hold. I have been doing it and it's got to stop. Imagine if they split up in 10 years and we've just waited for it to happen all that time. For what? So we have the closure that it wasn't anything to do with us and that they aren't in actual fact the love story of the century? Pah. What a waste of 10 years.

You need to find a way to stop torturing yourself with these thoughts. I know your life is not what you wanted but it is what it is and it's up to you to make the absolute best of it that you possibly can. If / when they split up, it should warrant no more than a chortle and a shrug of the shoulders. That's my aim too.

You are doing so very well and you have so much support. Keep going.

Hello Bathtime he likes to think of himself as a good, decent man but as you so rightly point out actions speak louder than words.

Are you saying they're working extra hard at their relationship to try and make it work and she's that desperate she's doing everything he wants and saying the right things all the time.

Hello Blood my ex certainly didn't seem unhappy to me at the time and he initially said he was happy with me. It's interesting what you say about him needing to feel he tried. He told me months after I had ended our marriage that he knew it was over the moment I told him to move into our flat. Our flat adjourns where OW lived and he said he knew I wouldn't have asked him to move out to the flat if I had thought our marriage could be saved.

I didn't end our marriage until a month after that and I think he thought he deserved credit for still trying up until I did end it even though he knew it was already over.

I always be grateful for the insight I received on MN that a man who conducted an affair in the way my husband had done had most likely cheated before. I was adamant he hadn't at first but by the time I found out that he had I was a bit more prepared for it than I would have been.

Thank you for your reassurance, you always speak with a lot of wisdom.

Janaus thank you. Sorry you have been through this too, I have seen your posts and had meant to post. I hope your husband proves himself worthy of you giving him another chance. Having gone down that road for a short period of time I think it's a very hard road to go down and I hope he realises that a lot of the effort must come from him rather than you. Good luck.

akaWiskey hello I know my ex was entirely in the wrong. I'm just trying to reconcile in my own mind whether you have to be unhappy to cheat or whether he's just justifying it to himself or not.

It is easier than it was, but it's still a long slog. Thanks and take care.

Galvanised yes his first marriage did end when she found out he was cheating on him by finding out he'd given her an STD.

Family thank you. I had been doing okay but this time of year has stirred it up together with what he said a little while back about not being happy with me and he would have chosen to leave me with hindsight because he's happier with her. Too much overthinking but no change there I suppose.

I don't believe he's happy just because he's told me. More because of his demeanour, he's all jovial and so forth. I would love them to split up but I don't think it's likely anytime soon and I won't be sitting around waiting for it to happen because it might not.

How are you doing, I hope it's a bit easier for you now. Look after yourself.

Hi Iwas, thanks for your kind reply. I think what makes me crossest is what he said to you about knowing it was over once you asked him to move into the flat. From the outside it's so obvious that this is a thing he has decided in his head as a way to lay blame on you. To make an action of yours responsible for his change in thinking. This is incredibly cruel and manipulative and an embarrassingly obvious way of trying to lay the blame for the marriage ending at your door. All the while he gets to be closer to OW. It's appalling and a real subtle sign of who this man is. Someone who takes very little responsibility and has no real self-awareness. I'm so sorry you've been through this.

Yes, he'll be man who likes beginnings, when things are shiny and little is being asked of him. He is where he is happy now, not with her, just in a period of little responsibility and a lot of novelty. it is when this changes that he will change too. I'm afraid it has nothing to do with OW and everything to do with him and an issue with commitment and selfishness. I have no doubt with what you say here that he IS justifying it to himself, but unfortunately he is probably succeeding, and so he probably is somewhat happy. One of the great injustices of life is that those who can delude themselves ARE often happier, in the short term. It's the whole point of doing it.

I'd humbly suggest you try and move from thinking about his mindset. What he decides to think about the past doesn't take away from yours and what you know to be true. And one thing that is really really true is that long term, men are much more likely to romanticise a marriage they left than women. Most women who leave or have been left eventually say they are glad and happier without the man. Most men, years down the line, regret leaving. (Very broad generalisation but I will try and look up the statistics, think it was in the Independent earlier this year).

You say he seems so jovial about it all, but try to remember that this is a man who lied and cheated his way through his entire relationship with you. His charm and joviality are all a veneer. Inside he is empty.

He cheated because there is something fundamentally wrong with him, not with you or your marriage.

You will never get an honest answer from your ex but if you did the right thing by you, that is all that matters.

12 years after being cheated on, the reason doesn't matter to me anymore. I know what I was living was my true version of events. I had been through this exercise of analysing the events, it will lead to self doubt but you may know deep down that you guys were happy at times and unhappy at other times, just like other couples.

I believe many cheaters are opportunists and in this whole big world, there are bound to be many people we would like to have in our lives. Some relationships are more romantic in nature but society respects monogamy more in proportion than polygamy. Watch this video -

It will hurt and get worse before it gets better. Just hang in there and be positive. Love yourself before you love someone else.

He might have been unhappy. But so what? It wasn't your job to make him happy. He had to do that for himself. He couldn't, so he chose another woman to do it for him.

Sucks to be her.

"Or is it possible a man has been married a long time and maybe it's not that exciting anymore but he's basically happy and thinks he'll get away with it."

Yes, It is possible. It's very hard to feel the excitement all the time after many many years - doesn't mean they don't still love their partners or that they want to end the marriage.

But decent grown-up people realise that life isn't always rainbows and fireworks and that when you want those things you do something to make them happen. Running to someone else for that only works for a short time and presumably will require you to move on again and again..... not really a workable solution for someone who chose monogamy in the first place. Clearly that was what your ex did if he was serially unfaithful.

He's a man child and you are better off without him.