Do men cheat because they can or because they're unhappily married

[iwashappy]

Does a man have to be unhappily married to cheat on his wife? Or is it possible a man has been married a long time and maybe it's not that exciting anymore but he's basically happy and thinks he'll get away with it.

It's a year next week I ended my marriage after discovering my husband was having an affair. I'm feeling a bit reflective at the moment probably because of the upcoming date and because a few things have been said recently.

When he was trying to persuade me to give him another chance he said he was happy with me. He excused his cheating by saying it didn't mean anything and he didn't think I would find out. He said he was frustrated by our infrequent sex life and he liked the attention he got elsewhere. He insisted he loved me, never meant to hurt me and didn't want to leave.

Now he's all loved up with the OW and says if he had hindsight he would have left. He stayed because we had commitments together. He said he wasn't honest with me and told me what I wanted to hear. He said he stuck at it because of our children and for financial reasons but there were a lot of reasons he wasn't happy. Apart from our sex life and lack of attention I nagged him too much. We had different views on things and weren't well suited in many ways, I wasn't exciting enough. We didn't have that much in common, I wasn't interested in what he was doing and we led fairly separate lives. I didn't make him feel wanted, I didn't share his interests. I talked about the children all the time and didn't make enough time for him. I didn't show him affection and there was no passion in our marriage anymore.

He said being with OW and getting all of that from her has made him realise how our marriage should have been but hadn't been for a long time. He said he had forgotten what it was like to miss your partner when you were apart.

It suited me to believe my husband had been happy with me despite his cheating. That he was just incredibly selfish and entitled and thought he would get away with it.

However, I know I would never have cheated on him. Leaving aside marriage vows and the children I could never have cheated because I was happy with him. I can't fathom how you can cheat on someone you are happy with. I could maybe understand a one night stand if drunk and full of regret the next day but not an affair.

For context and to not drip feed it turned out my now ex-husband had cheated on me for over twenty years with various women which I was oblivious too. He'd also cheated on his first wife which he'd lied to me about.

I'm thinking that rather than it just being a case of re-writing history my ex-husband wasn't actually happy because I just can't comprehend doing what he did if he had been happy with me.

I know everyone is different and women cheat too so I'm not generalising. I'd just like a bit of insight to see if people think there is a link between unhappiness and cheating or not.

And as for being 'happy', some people don't know how to be happy and rely on others to make them so.

Sounds to me OP like your ex enjoys the fun part of relationships the first exciting thrill of falling for someone before you end up with a family and responsibilities.
Which would explain his need to constantly have affairs.

He sounds like he checked out of the marriage a long time before he got caught cheating.

How were you meant to be fun and loving and close if he insisted on working very long ours and only spending family time with you & kids but no time alone?

Honestly did you not feel alone in your marriage when he was doing that?

My DP's dad left DP's mum as he had an affair, we were talking about holidays recently and DP and his dad and new family go skiing every winter.
I asked if they'd always done that as kids. DP responded that not with his dad as his dad was always working and apparently had a dodgy knee. But apparently he can now ski and no knee complaints.
Personally I think DP's dad has only settled down now as he's old, otherwise I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have. From what DP has said, I also reckon DP's dad checked out of his marriage a long time before it ended, leaving DP's mum to pick up the slack at home, and coming home to criticise the kids and take the credit for their achievements.
I don't dislike him at all, but I can see even now he has a roving eye.

Main thing it was not your fault, sometimes we all feel like waltzing off into the sunset when daily life feels close to drudgery. We don't because we are adults with responsibilities and DC relying on us.
All relationships have ups and downs, I do not think I would enjoy being permanently in the first flush of love forever, I like the calmer settled down comfort of an established relationship.

Should be interesting to see how long your ex lasts with his current DP.

What I think you may be overlooking is the extent to which she may be bending over backwards to pander to him, to a degree that most women wouldn't or couldn't and which indicates how desperate she was to finally get her own bloke that she didn't have to share with anyone, and how much he loves the power of an imbalanced relationship. Perhaps if there is anything he has with her that he didn't have with you, it's exactly that? He sounds like someone who needs an inordinate amount of attention and she sounds degradingly willing to provide it. So he may be happy for now, but not in a healthy or sustainable way. And you definitely in no way should feel bad about yourself because you had the audacity to expect normal things from your relationship, like a willingness from him to put his needs to one side a little when the children were small. A more reasonable man could have done that. Really Iwas, it's not you, it's definitely him. He's an arse.

If anyone is unhappy at their marriage, even if there is no sex, they have a choice to end the marriage, be open with the spouse and work on sorting the problems out, or cheat.
OTOH, many people cheat because they can.
A bad marriage does not cause cheating.

I couldn't have cheated on my exH. Because I am not the type of person who cheats. Or if I had the urge to, then that would have been a sign to end the marriage.

In your case, he's definitely a serial cheater. That's what he does. Don't blame anyone but him.

The cheating is the symptom, of an unhappy person. They are also liars, and cowards.
It's very difficult to obtain the truth from a liar, because they already have believed their own lies.
In that way they have also cheated themselves. And unless they face up to their own behaviour, they continue along this path and coerce others also. He could/should have been honest with you when he first started being a cheat.
Iwas, I can understand you going through the past, it was a long marriage.
You are so much better off away from him though. What can he bring to any relationship when he is so dishonest?

If his current relationship ended, and he came begging to go back, what would you say to him? Stay well clear, would be the best, and never, never blame yourself.

Iwas I've posted on your previous threads but just wanted to say that MeganBacon has summed it up perfectly for me.

I believe that XH is genuinely happy now, just as he was genuinely happy when you first married. He was the focus of your attention then just as he is now with OW.

After the children arrived you carried on thinking you were a family unit, with a different focus on family life, like any reasonably adjusted and right minded person would do, he, however, looked for the attention he craved elsewhere.

It's a crying shame that he let you carry on thinking this for 20 years and you are suffering because of that deception.

OW may well carry on pandering to him and hanging on his every word, massaging his enormous ego. Could you do that? No, course it because you have more self respect, that's why you showed him the door.

I know my husband cheated because we were having a very difficult marriage at the time.

I think it would be harder on me if he had looked for something emotional. He was looking anonymous one night stands.

Not that it wasn't hard to find out and isn't still hard.

I think different men cheat for different reasons. The book by Andrew Marshall 'How can I ever trust you again' is very good and describes the different types of affair.

You could ask if you were having a bad marriage because he was more worried about finding casual sex online or if he was looking because you were having a bad marriage.

Lweji he said he didn't go looking for it and I don't think he went online. But he did say that when opportunities presented themselves where he wanted to he did because he felt neglected at home. I don't agree with what he said and don't consider looking after our son to be neglecting my husband but a normal part of having children.

Fuzzy I think looking back he probably had checked out of our marriage a long time before I caught him cheating. It just didn't feel that way at the time. He is very busy with work and I know he did need to work long hours. He's always been a workaholic and can't just sit around doing nothing. We've got a family business which we run from premises at home so he wasn't out at all hours just not in the house.

I did suggest meals out and walks the last few years once the kids were older and doing their own thing more but he usually said he had things to do at work or outside jobs. We used to just watch television for an hour or so together before bed. Sometimes after dinner we'd spend time together then but we rarely did anything together in recent years, just the two of us.

It's only now looking back that I've realised how bad that was. I work as well so I had the housework to do which I used to do when he was working in the evenings and at weekends. So I didn't have time to feel lonely and just thought that was how it was.

Now I go out with my sister or friends most Saturday evenings and other times as well and have a bit of a social life where I didn't have one at all before. So I do think now there was a problem in that we didn't do anything together which isn't how it should be. But I suppose that was him putting his energies and interest elsewhere as I wanted to spend time with him. Only he preferred to spend his time with the OW.

I do know I am better off without him but it's very hard when you've been deceived for so long. I certainly wouldn't take him back if he begged me Viridus

What really takes the biscuit with cheaters is the rubbish and blame they put on their partner/wife/husband at the end of the relationship. Like "insisting" here that he loved you. It makes me think that he hasn't learned from his mistakes. Also he doesnt have the decency to end the relationship in a proper manner. He is taking his bad traits into the next relationship.
It's great that you have found your social life. Being with a man like that would hold a good woman back.
In my opinion, she will dump him, and he will come crawling back for sympathy, but by then you will have moved on and be in a happy and good place.

I think that the key is 'My ex likes to think of himself as a good, decent man who did something wrong rather than as a cheating bastard.' He has to rewrite history so that it confirms this.

If he cheated because he wasn't happy, why did he also make a play for the hairdresser when he was already getting what he needed from the OW?

He needs to shape his past, present and future so that it supports this story.

Did he have kids with his first wife? If not, what did she 'do wrong' that gave him no choice but to shag around?

Are you sure he wasn't cheating before you had kids anyway? It seems he has been unfaithful for most of your marriage?

it is clear he is re adjusting his memory of his marriage, but as PP said, He may be happier for now, she is taking him on w/es, meals out, & sexually available. He in return is attentive & sending flowers. There are no financial, child, or work problems, she has money & his business is established.
But this is the early euphoric phase, it will probably pass.
He has ceased making any effort for you, but now says you weren't attentive.
Its easy to ignore the irony.
He was & is a serial philanderer, like a child, he wants new toys. he is entitled & manipulative.
None of this is your fault iwas.

He sounds like a dick from your OP

He sounds selfish, and like he blames you.

The honeymoon period with OW won't last.

Men don't always cheat because they are unhappy. They cheat because they think the can be happier.

Some cheat because they are greedy!

I think some men cheat because they aren't brave enough to be honest and face up to reality. I think women are much better at facing up to the truth of life, toughing it out to lead an honest life and don't expect to have it all.

My ex likes to think of himself as a good, decent man who did something wrong rather than as a cheating bastard.

My hairdresser likes to think of herself as "a party girl". It doesn't mean she isn't an alcoholic.

They cheat because they think the can be happier. I think this is true. but you have to be a gambler & be prepared to lose.
I think its greediness, entitlement, the excitement, & the sex.

Hopefully these answers reinforce that he is a dog ( as someone said) and that you are better off without him .

There comes a point when you have to stop looking backwards though as I do believe he is rewriting history - anyway who cares what he SAYS ? He is a liar and can say anything he wants. Don't let what he says affect you so much. Would you be happier is he told you he had always loved you, still loves you and it was all a mistake yet he is potentially lying?

As someone else has said , he WILL be happier currently as he is the centre of attention - of her and still at times by yourself. He MAY end up staying with her and he MAY end up marrying her. Your future happiness CANNOT depend on the state of their relationship and the sooner that you accept this the better. Sorry if these are harsh words. You cannot go on just waiting for the cracks in their relationship to show. You have wasted enough of your life on this sad specimen. I know you are in close daily contact - just minimise it and don't engage with him !

I think boredom does come in to a lot of relationships especially when people are snowed under with looking after DC, work and the whole mind numbingly boring crap like paying bills.

I do think that shared experiences like going out for dinner can be great but also think it's what goes on between two minds is the key. The whole work, eat, sleep, repeat can be dull. Some people do crave excitement, it's like a drug. One of my sisters is just like this, she literally craves danger. She had many affairs when married and since divorce has had affairs with married men. She is currently on year 10 as a mistress her moral barometer isn't just skewed it's totally broke.

Boredom comes into people when they have no direction in their life. It still doesn't allow them to be deceitful to others, because of the damage it causes. If they are bored they should have the courage to declare it.
It seems people instead of looking at themselves, look at others to give them a good time.
Preciousxbane - it sounds like your sister is lacking in self-esteem maybe?

Iwas - it is horrible to be deceived, and it does take time, and healing to get through this. You have shown great courage, and strength, to have come so far.

I think people cheat for different reasons including opportunity,

When used to travel for work I got hit on by married men in the hotel bars, I am nothing special I was just there, away from home. I turned down the men obvs.

Tomorrow night I am going to a event, a senior colleague is trying to get me to stay in hotel, I know why and am offended, he has mistaken my friendliness as something else, I haven't led him on in any way.

TheStoic "He might have been unhappy. But so what? It wasn't your job to make him happy. He had to do that for himself. He couldn't, so he chose another woman to do it for him.

Sucks to be her."

Came on here to say almost the same. Worth repeating though.

Viridus my sister is like no other person I have ever met nor wish to meet, she may have low self esteem but who knows. Something is very skewed and she loves mischief making.