tired of it all

[BoringlyRestrictive]

Everything is such a struggle.
He is the type of person who seems instantly opposed to anything I like/want/suggest.
The type of person who acts like they know everything and everyone else in the world is stupid and incapable of doing things right.
Also that the entire world is out to get him.

We have just had a bicker (he's getting up for work and I'm up with DS) about crockery. I wanted to buy some new Denby stuff in Black Friday sales. He says he can only eat off a white plate. And also 'I don't see why we have to buy stuff cos it's Black Friday. That's a stupid mentality and your just going with the masses who must buy it cos it's on sale'
Me: 'no I just want to buy it while it's better then half price'
Him 'buy it but I'll have to keep a white plate for myself cos I can't eat off anything else'

It's everything like that. If I want/like anything he is just opposed to it. Yet everything must be brands as if it's not then its 'cheap shit'.

We have 2 DC and everything I do with them (discipline and teaching wise) is always wrong. He doesn't have alternative methods or suggestions. When asked how I should approach things instead his answer is 'I don't know but your method isn't right'.

I'm tired of being 'wrong' all the time. Of never having anything I like cos he just doesn't like what I like. I'm tired of listening to him complain and be so 'put upon' and so negative all the time. All the time.
I'm tired of hearing about how stupid everyone is. Everyone is stupid. Everyone.
Person that works at call centre for energy firm? Stupid, doesn't know how to do their job.
Mechanic who failed his car mot - stupid. Probably not trained. If they are trained they work there cos they couldn't get a better job.
Staff at this place - stupid. Just showing up for work but not really capable of doing their job.

And on and on and on. Everyone is stupid. Except him.
For the first time recently I thought 'what did he used to think of me when he first met me?' Because I have realised that he must have thought I was stupid as well.

Everything is such a struggle. And I see friends and family who are in relationships and they all seem happy and agreeable and able to accommodate each other.
I was recently visiting my aunt and uncle and I watched them.
They bickered over things but in a casual and respectful manner. She has exquisite (and sometimes expensive) taste and he is a penny pincher. They are redecorating. Aunt was telling me of awful rows over decorations and cost and extensions and stuff like that. But the point is they find a way to accommodate each other. As they always reach a compromise, not just a flat 'no, it's my way or no way'.
I found myself looking at them and thinking 'this will not be me and dh. There's no way'

Did I mention that I dislike plain white plates? I don't know why. But I don't like white plates. I like them to have at least a hint, a suggestion of off white. But he must have brilliant white.
How do you manage a relationship when u can't even agree on morherfucking plates.

I'm so tired. And in all honesty I fantasise about divorce and being a single mum so I can any fucking colour plates I like as that way I could just get on with life and be happy without having to fight someone all the time and without having to listen to how stupid the whole world is.
I'm a positive person and I cried a few days ago as something that would have usually got me all riled up happened and I just felt like 'meh' and I know that that is due to being worn down and just suppressing myself as a coping mechanism.

I know I need to ltb but it honestly is so complicated. He has debts, In my name. And for the DC it will be awful. He will make it so. Plus just the whole thing seems like it would be such a monumental up hill struggle that I just don't know where to start.

And really, when the lawyers ask 'reason for divorce?' Can I say 'I want coloured fucking plates?'

You are probably right about how he will think. It's sad, but it also hammers home how impossible a future with him is. He doesn't get it; his belief system is set up so that his poor treatment of you is right in his mind.

And, as you say, the people who back him up are the people whose opinions really won't matter to you.

God I really really hope you have the courage to go through with this and stick with it. It's life changing for all the family getting away from a joy sucker. Take it from my then 3 year old.

I'm angry though. Angry that he can make me angry.

Angry that he will undermine me from a distance. Angry and sad that I know he will say things to the kids and make sure that they know it was all my fault.

Angry that as DS is only 14 months I've got years of having to listen to his bullshit during contact and anything that involves both of us.

And I'm sad, desperately sad for my kids that they will be stuck in the middle. He already doesn't seem interested in them that much as it is.

He will tell me everything he has done for us. All the early mornings, all the hard days at work. He just doesn't get it that that alone isn't enough. There has to be love and respect and kindness and happpiness.

Thank you for all your support. It's gonna be a long road. But I feel like I've stepped onto this road now and it feels smoother already. cheesy metaphor moment!

Are you expecting contact to happen with you present? Because that's to be avoided at all costs.

It is so daunting.
Try not to think of everything all at once.
One small step at a time.
When it comes to changing the locks etc... give 101 a call and let them know the situation. They can put you on high alert so if you call they can respond quickly.
Let them know Womens Aid are involved and they will sort you out.

I guess I'm being stupid there as well cos I know if I go for supervised contact he will flip and not show up.

Where as if I let him visit them here he will show, flat out ignore me and then leave.
So I'm leaning towards that cos I want them to see their dad.

I have fears of abduction if I let him have them cos he can apply for their Algerian passports without me and they can travel even if I have their uk ones. They have fus nationality

*dual even

You can say that you think he is a flight risk, I cant remember who you apply to, but he wont get through customs with the kids. Modern passports are all scanned at customs and any flight risk will show up. Take the necessary precautions and don't worry about it after that.

Its not up to you to facilitate a relationship with the kids. You have to make the kids available to him, at a set time and place, but he does not have to see them. Don't let him black mail you with that. He will be the only looser long term. The kids don't need some useless flaky piece of shit, telling them by his actions, that they are not good enough for him.

"if I let him visit them here"
Do NOT let him do that under ANY circumstances! The whole point of ending the relationship is to protect yourself from him. If you let him into your home you put yourself at risk again.

If he is abusive and potentially a risk to the children, supervised contact for him would be a very good idea. If he refuses to do that, the children are honestly better off without him.

agreed - he no longer sets foot over your threshold. You need contact centre only. If that. Him being in your home is just giving him further opportunity to abuse you.

You need proper legal advice on the passport/flight risk/taking the dc to Algeria risk OP.

You could start on that before Xmas. Get a sol to tell you the excat steps you need to get a marker on their passports.

this has got more info

I know your right. I should just let him walk out of their lives aswell but it seems so cruel and I feel like I'm planning o do everything the nastiest and hardest way.
Which is exactly what he will accuse me of. Making things difficult and doing it all like that cos I love drama and misery. Taking his kids away. Making it impossible for him to see them. Etc etc.

I want what is best for them as well as me and I genuinely believe my daughter will be better off. DS is at the age where he might not massively notice for a while.

I have been working out figures and I have to try and not rely on the maintenance really don't I. It has to be bonus money and fun money. Cos I would not be at all shocked if he quit his job. Also I will have to pay the fee as otherwise I don't think I will get it.
If you pay the fees then it's taken from them isn't it? As in they can't stop it?

My dd woke in be middle of Thursday night saying she was scared but she didn't know why. I spoke with her and eventually she told me that she doesn't like daddy's flashy eyes and when he pointed at her it made her all shaky. This is 4 days after the incident of him saying she wouldn't want to know me. So it obviously had a lasting effect.
Fucker

I think you absolutely have to insist on supervised contact, given his attitude and the fact he can apply for a Algerian passports.

Also, make sure you are deleting your history and signing out of everywhere. You can't risk him finding out your plans.

He wouldn't have the fucking visa without me.
He didn't force me to marry him but I felt manipulated. We did a religious blessing service that was all fine and normal.

Then when it came to the civil ceremony he rushed it. I didn't even have a proper dress. He insisted that my family could not come cos there was a chance he would be arrested (cos he was here illegally) and he didn't want that embarrassment.
I realise how stupid I have been.
I resent him massively for bullying me that way.
I feel very weak and humiliated.
Whenever I have brought it up he has diminished it and basically told me to get over it. He has never thanked me for anything.

Everything I have given up, all the sacrifices I have made. Friends I have lost along the way. Heartache my family has gone through. Never once has he ever been grateful or apologetic

I sort of don't want to admit to it all.
I've been such a fool.

During my relationship (can I call it that really) I have helped my sister leave 2 bell end abusive boyfriends and helped a friend leave her abusive wanky boyfriend.
Yet somehow I felt it was ok for me to take all the shit. For my kids. In the hope that it would all miraculously get better.
When what I should have done was kicked his stupid fucking illegal arse to curb years ago

But you can do something now, you can make things better for them. How long ago did you marry legally?

Op

Sorry, posted too soon.

I am so sad to read this, it's heartbreaking. Watching you realise the reality of the life you've been living for these years.

I'm sure your sister and friend would be there for you if you needed them to be? Do they know what you're going through?

Sister does, but she is pretty self centred. Not her fault. She tries very hard but has difficulty relating to people. Hence why she gets so many crappy boyfriends!

Friend no longer speaks to me as she found out about H's illegal status etc and we fell out

I've made many bad decisions. So many. Buried my head in the sand.
I've hidden away from it all. Getting in deeper and deeper all the time.
I feel played. I feel sad.
Few months back he called me a retard. And that night everything changed. I don't let him near me. I've told him out loud that I'm struggling and he hasn't asked or anything.

He is showing me who he is. And I'm listening now I do love a cheesy Hollywood line

Angry, sad, deflated, guilty, resentful, protective, frustrated, deceitful, cunning... These are my feelings which are all happening at once in total conflict. It's exhausting

OP, your husband is abusing you and you need to get out. Of the relationship, because it is he who needs to get out of your council flat. Please talk to a solicitor. Regardless of when you can serve him with divorce papers (because of the kids' passports), there has to be a way of getting him out of your flat. You need to see a solicitor asap.

Also... I wonder if there is a way to notify the Home Office? Is it not possible to stop his visa application?

Do you think if you went to your friend and told her you need help she'd help you? I know I would in her position, even you'd fallen out before. Worth thinking about?

I was about to say that i think you should reach out to your former friends. They might surprise you.

And good thinking re getting everything ready.

Do you want this man in your dcs lives? I really think you should arrange supervised contact only. If he doesnt show then he will miss out. You have no obligation to facilitate his relationship with them. You have to make dc available for contact at the agreed times, but nothing more.

I don't see how I can get him out the flat without him realising what is about to happen and therefore not returning the passports or just generally making life hell.

I can cope another 5 weeks. 5 weeks or so seems a small time scale considering its been 5 years and I will then be free.

Thats very pragmatic of you. Its alsp easier to deal with shit when you know theres a time limit on it.

Would it be possible to have the dc passports cancelled? Would it be worth talking fully and honestly about the situation with the passport office to see if they could rendered useless? It seems mad that your freedom and safety depends on him becoming legal here. Is he still, effectively, illegal? Could this be the tool you need to prise him out of your home and life? I think you need to get ruthless and call on any authority you can to get him out.

I'm not sure how waiting 5 weeks for him to be legal is actually going to help you get rid of him peacefully, but maybe I missed something. I also think you should consider asking for help from previous friends.