tired of it all

[BoringlyRestrictive]

Everything is such a struggle.
He is the type of person who seems instantly opposed to anything I like/want/suggest.
The type of person who acts like they know everything and everyone else in the world is stupid and incapable of doing things right.
Also that the entire world is out to get him.

We have just had a bicker (he's getting up for work and I'm up with DS) about crockery. I wanted to buy some new Denby stuff in Black Friday sales. He says he can only eat off a white plate. And also 'I don't see why we have to buy stuff cos it's Black Friday. That's a stupid mentality and your just going with the masses who must buy it cos it's on sale'
Me: 'no I just want to buy it while it's better then half price'
Him 'buy it but I'll have to keep a white plate for myself cos I can't eat off anything else'

It's everything like that. If I want/like anything he is just opposed to it. Yet everything must be brands as if it's not then its 'cheap shit'.

We have 2 DC and everything I do with them (discipline and teaching wise) is always wrong. He doesn't have alternative methods or suggestions. When asked how I should approach things instead his answer is 'I don't know but your method isn't right'.

I'm tired of being 'wrong' all the time. Of never having anything I like cos he just doesn't like what I like. I'm tired of listening to him complain and be so 'put upon' and so negative all the time. All the time.
I'm tired of hearing about how stupid everyone is. Everyone is stupid. Everyone.
Person that works at call centre for energy firm? Stupid, doesn't know how to do their job.
Mechanic who failed his car mot - stupid. Probably not trained. If they are trained they work there cos they couldn't get a better job.
Staff at this place - stupid. Just showing up for work but not really capable of doing their job.

And on and on and on. Everyone is stupid. Except him.
For the first time recently I thought 'what did he used to think of me when he first met me?' Because I have realised that he must have thought I was stupid as well.

Everything is such a struggle. And I see friends and family who are in relationships and they all seem happy and agreeable and able to accommodate each other.
I was recently visiting my aunt and uncle and I watched them.
They bickered over things but in a casual and respectful manner. She has exquisite (and sometimes expensive) taste and he is a penny pincher. They are redecorating. Aunt was telling me of awful rows over decorations and cost and extensions and stuff like that. But the point is they find a way to accommodate each other. As they always reach a compromise, not just a flat 'no, it's my way or no way'.
I found myself looking at them and thinking 'this will not be me and dh. There's no way'

Did I mention that I dislike plain white plates? I don't know why. But I don't like white plates. I like them to have at least a hint, a suggestion of off white. But he must have brilliant white.
How do you manage a relationship when u can't even agree on morherfucking plates.

I'm so tired. And in all honesty I fantasise about divorce and being a single mum so I can any fucking colour plates I like as that way I could just get on with life and be happy without having to fight someone all the time and without having to listen to how stupid the whole world is.
I'm a positive person and I cried a few days ago as something that would have usually got me all riled up happened and I just felt like 'meh' and I know that that is due to being worn down and just suppressing myself as a coping mechanism.

I know I need to ltb but it honestly is so complicated. He has debts, In my name. And for the DC it will be awful. He will make it so. Plus just the whole thing seems like it would be such a monumental up hill struggle that I just don't know where to start.

And really, when the lawyers ask 'reason for divorce?' Can I say 'I want coloured fucking plates?'

You should tell him that you can tell that he's just looking for a fight and it's not about plates but that he's a hypocrite and a selfish, horrible, abusive man.

Let him know you have him totally sussed and that he's boring with his joyless attitude to life.
Who wants to live like that?

Obviously don't do that if you're going to put yourself in danger but it can help if you start to assert yourself.

I second what pocket says about what leaving will teach your DD.

I think you will also feel richer, as you will have freedom to buy what you want and what you think sensible

it's not about money at all, it's about him using you as his verbal punch bag, it makes him feel better about himself - he wants the control, that's all, he doesn't show any signs of love towards you, this is not normal and it's not healthy - please go and find out your options for moving on.

A life of misery with a person who does nothing but criticise is not something I would relish.

You're guaranteed a life of misery and bored restraint if things stay as they are. It feels like you might be yearning for something approaching a Real Life. I'm reaching for oxygen as I read you, goddess knows how it feels to be living without it.

As I've got older I've come to realise that concepts like love/lust/need/desire are fallible. This is just my opinion. Nothing wrong with concepts but if they don't work in practice then a relationship is not working. How far it isn't working is up to you. Because everything is up to you. It really is. Unhappiness, sadly, is a great motivator and a great guide in the journey towards happiness. Just random thoughts that may/not help.

Have had a busy day, I get no space from my DC and don't want to make calls to women's aid or anything similar when dd can hear. Don't want her to have to witness that kind of call.

I will call, I'll make research my first step. I'm better when I'm organised and informed.

He has barely uttered a word all evening and has just dumped be kids on me and gone off to bed (I was doing housework and he literally appeared and whispered that he was going to bed)

Funnily i wouldn't be any worse off financially if we split. I would be time poor and feel fenced in. At least now he is there to mind the kids whilst I shower/bath/jog/study/lay in/allotment etc. Once it's just me and the kids then that all goes out the window doesn't it?

So much to sort out.
We would have to sell the car and me buy a smaller cheaper one. What happens with general stuff?

The flat is in my name. It's a council flat and he isn't on the tenancy agreement.

I have savings. Savings that outweigh his. By at least double. Should I move these? I could give them to my mum or simply hold them in cash.

I checked out child maintenance and it's reasonable. Although I suspect I would have to pay the fee as he will never agree to the amount.
Luckily he isn't self employed so it can't be falsified.

Still want those plates: http://www.tesco.com/direct/denby-everyday-12-piece-4-person-dinner-set-cool-blue/448-7952.prd?skuId=448-7952&pageLevel=sku&sccmp=ppccshshsh--tesco--448-7952&gclid=Cj0KEQiAm-CyBRDx65nBhcmVtbIBEiQA7zm8laIf0CswQbg33FJdekgtXOPU2I3UiM1gYdKN7x16RgkaAmAM8P8HAQ&gclsrc=aw.ds

Sounds like you're in a strong position in every way. It also sounds like you really do want to be out of this marriage. Those plates, alongside your needs, are utterly reasonable, not even slightly extravagant.

Do you know, I was thinking this morning how draining my life was when I was married. I was so busy, like you, working all the hours there were, with DCs to look after, housework to do and various extras I took on to help him out. (He only returned the favour when someone was looking who needed to be impressed, or when he wanted to feel like a good guy. Mostly, he took the attitude that if I wasn't coping, then I was doing something wrong.)

This weekend, he has the DCs, as he does every other weekend. I never thought he would do this while I was married to him: he spent minimal time with them then. But he does. Do I worry about them? Of course, particularly in the early days. They seem happy, though. Am I as time poor as I was when I was married? Not a bit of it. When he spent time with the DCs back then, I was always there too. That was family time. So I never got time for myself. Now I do and I am much healthier and happier as a result.

Well if you have savings (if you are married they are 50% his as well as the debts) you may as well buy the things you need with them tbh! You could give some to your mum but it's being dishonest and if you give her too much it will be very obvious.

It will cost him more if he refuses to give you the minimum so he'd have to be pig stupid to not cough it up.

I'm now pissed off cos a while back dd expressed interest in this stretch kin toy thing.
We discussed it and he wasn't keen on it as it will be used and then just sit in the draw for ages. So I bought different things with the Christmas budget. She is surprisingly such a well rounded and grateful happy child that I had no worries about disappointment.

But the fucker has only gone and decided that he is buying the stretch kin out of his money for her. As an extra present. That she can have now. Purely cos she saw the advert and got all excited because he has kids tv on all fucking day long

This is annoying yes? It's not just me being worn down and therefore everything annoys me now?

I got to the part about you crying in front of your daughter and I had to reply to you.

You can be happier than this if you take charge of this situation. Take advice, get your ducks lined up and leave.

When a 3 yo child can see what the cause of the problem is it's time to go.

Thinking of you OP

That was not just annoying, it was designed to sabotage you at quite a deep emotional level. At the very least it wrong-foots you. He's displaying how manipulative and cunning he can be in order to keep his control on the up. It was dishonest of him to buy the toy independently given his refusal. It reeks of manipulating dd too by giving her an early present from (sic) lovely daddy. So it's a competition now too? Except it's one I'm sure you don't want to play.

Thank you. I'm glad I'm not reading things wrong. I'm so confused over what seems unreasonable and what actually is.

I can't say anything cos then he will say 'so I can't even buy something for my own daughter now' in a hurt puppy kind of way whilst bringing his shoulders up to his face and angry flashy eyes. I'm not scared of him but I am tired of it and can't be bothered to fight.
And then I'm the one who has been unreasonable

Well, there's no point saying anything to him anyway, really. What would it achieve? He is not a child who can be taught to be kind.

The important thing is not talking to him about it. The important thing is to see it.

Could you use your savings towards a rented place of your own?

It's not unreasonable, not fighting him. It's sensibly refusing to put your energies into banging your head against a brick wall!

I have this image in my head of me and my kids at home. Happy shiny people having fun and just getting through life.
I want to be with them and I don't want him in the picture. When he enters the picture the shiny falls off.

It will be tough and money will be tight and I will be exhausted and pissed off I imagine from shouldering all the responsibility but if I'm honest.... That's what is happening now. He really provides the money and the angst.

He undermined me with DS this morning and when I showed that I was annoyed he acted like I was in the wrong. I'm just venting. He only has one day off a week and he usually plays football ( btw this used to totally fuck me off cos it takes half the day and we could never do anything as a family) but this week he played last night instead of today and I realised I wish he was playing today so I could be alone with the kids.

Sad isn't it

You are in a strong position OP.

Get all the savings out of his reach.

While he is out get the locks changed - it's your tenancy, so your home, not his.

Pack up his stuff and leave with friend or family for him to pick up.

And dump his sorry arse. Miserable fucker.

And...... buy the plates, buy the plates!

Boringly

I'm so confused over what seems unreasonable and what actually is.

Exactly. When in this sort of relationship you end up spending so much mental energy just trying to figure out who's right and who's wrong, what's fair and what's not fair, what's reasonable behaviour and what's not, that there's nothing left for normal daily life. It doesn't matter whose fault this is (though it sounds like it's mostly him from what you say), and it doesn't matter if he's doing all this deliberately or just unthinkingly - something has to change, or you'll end up exhausted and unable to cope at all. Of course, only he can change him, all that you can change is your own situation.

My suggestion is that you ask DH if he's willing to speak to someone about his own mental state and also suggest you both see someone about your relationship. That puts the ball in his court, and makes the future of the relationship his responsibility. If he refuses, or agrees but it makes no difference, then you've tried everything you can. At this point, the only thing left for you to change is the relationship itself, by leaving it.

However, you may just have had enough. DH has had plenty of time to come to understand his behaviour is making your life very difficult, and if you decide he's missed his chance - well, you have a right to end the marriage on that basis imho. Either way, if you do end the relationship you'll find life becomes significantly less stressful (even if it becomes harder work) because you'll be able to focus on what you're doing rather than constantly having to take DH's unreasonable attitude into account for every single thing you do.

OP, firstly, get your plates!! You deserve to have things you like!!! Sounds like the way my life used to be with XP. Thankfully we weren't married so things were a lot easier and we just had the dc's to sort out. Things are so much better now he is gone.

I know this probably isn't the most important thing, but I noticed in a previous post you asked about being able to do things for yourself, such as jogging and studying. I don't think you would have to stop doing these things, just because you are a single mother, it would just be a matter of balancing when you could. You should carry on doing the things you enjoy. If you don't it would just be another victory for him I fear.

Also, by undermining you he is trying to get a rise out of you, which is something he appears to do often. It's hard not to, don't give him the satisfaction.

Kill him with your nonchalance.

I firmly believe the only way we will split is if I serve him divorce papers.

2 years ago I told him we had to seek AM as it was unbearable living with him and it took him over a year to register at a gp's and since then he has made no effort to make an appointment.
I've actually told him a few months back that I no longer expect him to and that his actions have told me what I need to k ow about him. That he doesn't give a shit enough to even call the doctor to make an appointment shows it.

He's a miserable fuck. He has just announced that the man in the car behind us is 'stupid' because H was trying to parallel park but felt pressure from the guy behind so he fluffed up the parking. I said 'I don't think it's his fault tbh' and H sort of scoffed and explained why it was. Wanker.

Having said that, he does things that make me think he does care and that if I force a split I will be unreasonable.

He will hold open doors, pull out chairs, help me with my coat/bag/kids whatever. And he seems to do these things without much thought, it feels natural.

Whenever dd gets 'hurt' (cos sometimes 3 yr olds don't get hurt but they decide they have been) and I am involved and trying to comfort her he will HAVE to try to stop me somehow to tell me what has happened or something related to it.
Ie: stop, she's crying because her hand hurts.
And I just snapped at him cos I don't need to be stopped and have the event narrated back to me and told what had happened. I know why happened. I was there.

Now he's got the hump and said in front of dd 'if I wasn't your husband, if she wasn't your daughter we wouldn't want to know you. No one would ever talk to you'
And now he has fucked off to bed.
I went in and told him he is dispicable, a bully and a world class manipulator.
He told me there is something wrong with me.
Both kids still up so I can't call anyone, can't cry, can't vent this emotion.

He said I treat him with no respect at all. And I said that's cos u don't deserve any.

Need to get through the next few hours without losing my shit.
DC are up cos they had late naps in the car and no chance of them sleeping anytime soon

Ooh, nice, the nobody likes you comments. Brings back memories!

It's great you're seeing what he's doing and strong enough to call him on it. However, don't feel you have to call him on his behaviour. You are playing the long game: do what it takes to get through.

Oh, memories of H going to bed when kids were overtired, too.

I feel your pain, OP!

Dd is at nursery tomorrow so I will call women's aid and make an appointment to see a solicitor ASAP.

I k ow that moving and hiding my savings is dishonest. But I don't feel bad about it. It's all I have.

Why do I feel guilty? His life will be harder without me and the kids. In a way. He will be depressed and he won't move on. Cos he just isn't that type. He will say that he can't tell his family back home (he comes from the Middle East) as it will be a disgrace to him and apparently divorce is heavily frowned upon in his culture - another thing he hates about UK is our happiness to just marry whoever and divorce so easily never giving a moments thought to the kids etc.