tired of it all

[BoringlyRestrictive]

Everything is such a struggle.
He is the type of person who seems instantly opposed to anything I like/want/suggest.
The type of person who acts like they know everything and everyone else in the world is stupid and incapable of doing things right.
Also that the entire world is out to get him.

We have just had a bicker (he's getting up for work and I'm up with DS) about crockery. I wanted to buy some new Denby stuff in Black Friday sales. He says he can only eat off a white plate. And also 'I don't see why we have to buy stuff cos it's Black Friday. That's a stupid mentality and your just going with the masses who must buy it cos it's on sale'
Me: 'no I just want to buy it while it's better then half price'
Him 'buy it but I'll have to keep a white plate for myself cos I can't eat off anything else'

It's everything like that. If I want/like anything he is just opposed to it. Yet everything must be brands as if it's not then its 'cheap shit'.

We have 2 DC and everything I do with them (discipline and teaching wise) is always wrong. He doesn't have alternative methods or suggestions. When asked how I should approach things instead his answer is 'I don't know but your method isn't right'.

I'm tired of being 'wrong' all the time. Of never having anything I like cos he just doesn't like what I like. I'm tired of listening to him complain and be so 'put upon' and so negative all the time. All the time.
I'm tired of hearing about how stupid everyone is. Everyone is stupid. Everyone.
Person that works at call centre for energy firm? Stupid, doesn't know how to do their job.
Mechanic who failed his car mot - stupid. Probably not trained. If they are trained they work there cos they couldn't get a better job.
Staff at this place - stupid. Just showing up for work but not really capable of doing their job.

And on and on and on. Everyone is stupid. Except him.
For the first time recently I thought 'what did he used to think of me when he first met me?' Because I have realised that he must have thought I was stupid as well.

Everything is such a struggle. And I see friends and family who are in relationships and they all seem happy and agreeable and able to accommodate each other.
I was recently visiting my aunt and uncle and I watched them.
They bickered over things but in a casual and respectful manner. She has exquisite (and sometimes expensive) taste and he is a penny pincher. They are redecorating. Aunt was telling me of awful rows over decorations and cost and extensions and stuff like that. But the point is they find a way to accommodate each other. As they always reach a compromise, not just a flat 'no, it's my way or no way'.
I found myself looking at them and thinking 'this will not be me and dh. There's no way'

Did I mention that I dislike plain white plates? I don't know why. But I don't like white plates. I like them to have at least a hint, a suggestion of off white. But he must have brilliant white.
How do you manage a relationship when u can't even agree on morherfucking plates.

I'm so tired. And in all honesty I fantasise about divorce and being a single mum so I can any fucking colour plates I like as that way I could just get on with life and be happy without having to fight someone all the time and without having to listen to how stupid the whole world is.
I'm a positive person and I cried a few days ago as something that would have usually got me all riled up happened and I just felt like 'meh' and I know that that is due to being worn down and just suppressing myself as a coping mechanism.

I know I need to ltb but it honestly is so complicated. He has debts, In my name. And for the DC it will be awful. He will make it so. Plus just the whole thing seems like it would be such a monumental up hill struggle that I just don't know where to start.

And really, when the lawyers ask 'reason for divorce?' Can I say 'I want coloured fucking plates?'

I had to de-lurk to say I absolutely know how you feel. My H is the same with thinking everyone is wrong, if I disagree with him he says I have an issue with him having an opinion that differs to mine. I don't think this is true, I'm pretty tolerant/interested in others views. I certainly can sympathise with how draining it is!

I don't know about you but my H and I have had conversations about our relationship and agreed that it's just hard during the years when your children are young. I'm actually beginning to realise that it's hard for me, I do it all at home, work four days etc etc (we do only have one child though) but I can't work out what is so hard for him that he couldn't help out of his own accord...even just once in a while!? I don't know what I will do but I really hope that you move towards a much brighter and happier future!

He certainly shouldn't be speaking to you like that, I'm glad that you know what you are worth! Enjoy the new plates - get bowls and cups too!

You feel guilty because, like most of us, we assumed a lifetime of loving success, crazy though that actually is as a Real possibility.

Maybe you feel guilty because of the "failure" rubbish that we associate with a break up. I think breaking up when it's so very right to do so is a success, but not everyone would agree. Many cultures and religions follow the "flog a miserably dead horse" principle of life, dressed up as "for the children, because husband owns you, because you need a man, you're incapable and incompetent yada yada" (grrrr)

I believe that calling time on Misery is a courageous and life-asserting thing to do. Doesn't make it easy, of course.

There is an element of culture clash going on here, if I read correctly.

He has no where to go. He will have little money and his life will become nothing but a endless cycle of work, home, work, home, see the kids once/twice a week. And that's cos that is what he will make it.

I shouldn't feel responsible but I do.

Have plans to call women's aid today and find a local solicitor to give me a free half hour consultation.

Feel kind of numb. Feel like I'm being sneaky and underhand by doing it 'behind his back' so to speak

It isn't up to you to decide what his life will become. You only have the right to declare what your own life will become. Which you might find would include stuff like joy, freedom and overall happiness. His life is his own to decide the outcome. He is currently in charge of your life and emotional state. Where is the equality in that? He's controlling you in underhanded ways. He's made you obedient. If he left the cage door open you wouldn't go through it for fear of being thought "sneaky."

You know you shouldn't feel responsible for him so stop allowing yourself to accept his brainwashing. Responsibility for yourself and dd is enough, surely?

Good luck with phoning WA!

Hello OP. Just checking in to say I was you. Living with a joyless, controlling, useless fuckwit. I even tried to make mine do AM. He did counselling but it was fruitless.

I've been free for 2.5yrs now and my life is immeasurably better. I'm healthier and happier in every way than at any time since the dc came along.

You need to leave this man. Your marriage has had a death by a thousand cuts. Show your dd by example what you are supposed to do when someone tramples all over you in life and get rid. I am delighted you are starting to make plans. You are in a strong position in many ways, not least because you are a competent, functional adult which he is not.

Even though you are in a very strong position (financially, plus seeing things as they really are) leaving will be emotionally hard work. But not nearly as bad as staying.

Just spoke to women's aid for an hour and a half.

It's going to be a long process. There are many things at play here.

They told me about the power and control wheel and seeing it all written down like that is something else. He's in almost every section.

I feel exhausted. Talking is exhausting. But she was lovely. Opened my eyes abit. It's nice to speak to a complete outsider and feel validated.

Thank you to you all for pushing me to do it. Such a complete thing to make a phone call but I feel like I've taken a huge step forward

Well done for calling Women's Aid!
You could also read the book by Lundy Bancroft... There is a thread on here somewhere about the abuser types too.

It sounds like a switch has flipped and you've had enough. Hope you can channel that energy into finding a good solicitor and leaving the bastard! Good luck.

Does anyone know where I can get an online copy of Lundy Bancroft? It's not on iBooks and if I buy a hard copy he will see it.

It's so tough. I am so conflicted. It's not in my nature to be underhand and go behind people's backs.
Right now he is in the living room and the 3 yr old is yelling at him because he is insisting on 'showing' her how to play with the stretchkins. And she is shouting 'no daddy! I already know how!' Him: 'look look. Let me show you'
Dd: 'NOOOO DADDY! I ALREADY know how to do it. It's my toy'

It's so hard not run in there and say 'for fucks sake just give it to her and let her play!

OP you can have mine. PM me your address and I'll post it to you.

Thanks Handy that's kind but I don't think having a hard copy in the house will be a good idea. It will be a catalyst as he will see it and start fights over it

You can download the kindle app for free from amazon and then download kindle version from amazon direct to your pc laptop or phone etc via this link OP x

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1448916070&sr=8-1&keywords=lundy+bancroft+kindle

That's what I was going to suggest, Coconut. Download the Kindle app (presumably you have an iPhone or iPad, if you have iBooks?) and then buy the Kindle version of the book on Amazon.

You'll just need to make sure he doesn't have access to your Amazon account - maybe change the password and make sure you log out every time you use it, just in case.

Can I feel myself wake up this morning and I'm starting to wobble already. Not cos I don't want him to leave. I do. But the sheer mammoth-ness (made up word?) of tr task and the length of time and everything.

I feel like my choice is having such a huge effect on everyone around my me and I feel like I'm being unfair. Does that make sense?
I know I shouldn't feel that way but I do.

You feel that way because you are a nice, rational, normal person.
But you need to understand that it's abuse and it's not OK and you do need to get out of it.
You're getting there. You will do it and it will be a long hard road but the light and freedom at the end of it will be so worth it.
You're doing great. Keep going!

Don't get overwhelmed OP, you're doing the right thing for yourself and your dc. It's awful growing up in a miserable, abusive household. It can take all your adult life to even realise the problems that kind of upbringing has created.

Take it one step at a time.

You have contacted WA. Now get educated about emotional abuse. It will help you disengage your emotions and detach. You will be able to take a step back and start to see the manipulation and control. That will help you to stop doubting yourself and realise the strategies he uses to keep you in your place.

When you are ready you will take the next step of getting him our of your house. It's hard because his behaviour will be eroding your self-confidence and esteem. The constant put downs and dismissal of your thoughts, feelings, wants etc can begin to convince you that you are not important. Never forget you matter. You matter just as much as him.

Don't know how I feel.
Feel a bit numb.
This time I don't feel like I have the other times.
I've threatened to leave him so many times and each time it's like... It just fades away. So life resumes until the next time but this time I feel a bit numb.
I feel both switched off and switched on.
I feel aware.
I'm watching everything and suddenly everything seems so awful and stuff is noticeable and he just annoys me.
I don't like him.
He's a negative person.
Even the way he breathes. A big long sigh whenever anything happens - like he's constantly drained and annoyed by everything. It's so noticeable.

I know he is aware that I'm different. But he will also think it should just take a few days or so for me to 'calm down' and 'let it go' like it usually does.
That in itself pisses me off cos there is no attempt at making. Amends. No apologies.
It's always just 'I'm giving you space as your clearly upset and I don't know why'

Fucker

One day your life won't be dominated by this negative personality. There's something to look forward to when things are getting to you.

KOKO.

Divorce is the best way out. Burying him under the patio is illegal

You know it. It will be lovely in the end.

The sooner you serve the papers, the sooner he will be gone from your life. The longer you leave it, the longer until you are free.

I can't serve him until January.
He has a visa application in with the home office and needs the kids passports for it.
The application won't be returned until then and I can't serve him papers whilst he has them. So just waiting until they are returned.

Also many financial things to sort out.
Getting my ducks in a row first. whatever the hell that sentence actually means. It irrationally annoys me

So glad you're getting your ducks in a row getting sorted, OP

Serving him divorce papers could possibly be the best new year's resolution ever?!

Oooo, such a positive spin! I need to learn to think that way.

Actually I'm bloody terrified. Women's aid advised that I I have him served on a specific date and at work so I can have the locks changed and bag up his stuff and leave it outside.

Even then I'm still scared cos he has threatened to kick down the door before today and he will go quite literally ballistic.

I will obviously arrange to have my kids elsewhere. I don't really have anyone who could be here with me though.

Well done OP. You are doing a brilliant thing for you and the dc.

Keep busying yourself with those quacky things. January will be here soon. Sounds like you need a meticulous plan re serving him. Do you own or rent? Make sure you do it in the safest way possible.

Glad Women's Aid have been advising you. Could you go and stay in the same place as the DCs? If there is no one who can be with you at home that day, maybe you could inform the police in advance of the threats he's made, and don't be afraid to call them if he turns up and starts banging on the door or shouting.

I rent. Tenancy is in my name.
It's strange. It's not that I'm scared of him. I just don't want to have all the hassle and the fighting and yelling.

I already feel like he won't be expecting it and I feel like he will just be cut down and he won't understand cos he genuinely won't see my reasons at all. He will just see 'what I have done' and will make sure that everyone knows 'what I have done'.
Not that is much of a 'everyone'... Just some of his friends. Who are mostly the same to their wives so the men will agree with him but the women will probably see he's lying.

He doesn't have to understand. I'm glad you put "What I've done" in speech marks because it isn't true! HE's the one whose actions have led to the end of the relationship. I'm sure most people will realise that you won't have ended it without a good reason. And most people understand that there are two sides to every story!