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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To think I might really have a problem!

106 replies

Starwar · 25/11/2015 15:51

Not sure if this is the right place to put this. I'm a regular poster but have NC for this.

I think I might be depressed. I don't mean just feeling down or fed up. I have no interest in doing anything at all. I ignore my friends who have given up bothering to even contact me now. I do go to work but that's it. I fake a smile and am probably still seen as the life and soul, but it's just a show, a very tiring one at that. I come home, close the curtains and go to bed. Im annoyed if the phone rings because I just want to be left alone.

I know it's not right but I can't decide if it's just a reaction to my current situation DH is leaving and will hopefully pass when that does. I am very upset about the breakdown of our marriage but I know there is no other way. it's like my entire future had been wiped out.

He says I'm being lazy and I wonder if he is right but maybe I need to see my already stretched GP. I feel to do that would just be wasting their time. I'm just so fed up and down. I don't have anyone I can talk to about this in RL. I'm hoping someone in here will give me a virtual kick up the arse.

Sorry if this is in the wrong place

OP posts:
ohtheholidays · 25/11/2015 23:38

noclueses have you ever had your hormone levels checked?

The reason I asked is years ago one of my cousins had the same as what your describing and she was put onto ADS and they really didn't help her at all.She spoke to my Mum and was telling her everything that had been going on and my Mum talked her into going back to the Dr's and asking about some hormone tests being done.

They did them and it was her hormone levels that were causing the problems.She was taken of the ADS and given medication to steady her hormomes and she felt alot better within a few weeks.

springydaffs · 25/11/2015 23:42
  • all the best!
noclueses · 26/11/2015 00:22

I think OP's stepchildren will likely be asking to see her - it's cruel on them not just OP, and if their father isn't a complete arse, he will surely allow some access. Poor kids, as well as OP.

IceB, I've been taken off the pill years ago as I'm well over 35 and slightly prone to high blood pressure. In my case it's also life circumstances (not as bad as OP's obv) but I've been single for longer than I wanted to and it's hard to see the light in the end of the tunnel as any man I like (not often) turns out to be non-single. It's nothing like as bad as many situations but it grinds you down sometimes. I'm slightly depressed generally because of it but usually have enough resources to enjoy other things, whereas during PMT or when i'm unwell, it's that 'drowning' feeling. Of course the pill has its own side effects esp the mini pill which might be the only option for women over 40.
ohthe, yes I m sure I have a hormonal imbalance. it's that sort of peri-meno age too - and I have other symptoms, but I haven't actually measured the levels, maybe I should. I think hormonal meds are even worse than ADs though as you need to stick with them for long. but I'm interested what your relative was prescribed as maybe I don't know about it.

Jux · 26/11/2015 00:41

Please go to the gp and explain how you're feeling. You can write down a lot of the things you've said on this thread and just hand the paper over.

I think your h is taking advantage of your lethargy and is putting the boot in and that is just grinding you down further into helplessness.

Please. Get some ADs now just to help you over the next few months, so that when you start to emerge from your haze there will still be a job there for you, and some sticks of furniture and so on. I know it doesn't seem at all important or worth the bother, but it is. You will never feel better if you don't have a comfortable place to sleep, a comfortable chair to relax in and so on. It's the least you need, and you do need it.

He is already taking away so much, why must he take so much more? Just to grind the point home, that's all. He sounds mean and cruel and generally unpleasant.

Don't let the bastard stamp you down further.

Just a step to the gp. Just take that step.

Original poster
Starwar · 26/11/2015 03:56

My STBX has been fairly awful recently but I think he is just upset about the breakdown too. This is his way of dealing with it I guess, mine is to hibernate Sad. I really can't see any conceivable way of keeping in touch with the children. Their DM would never facilitate contact, she was obstructive with H seeing them at times. I can only imagine her reaction if I called her Hmm

These replys have been very helpful. Going for a walk and trying to remember what I was like before I met H are good suggestions. I do think our relationship, with hindsight, has gone on longer than it should. He has issues that continue despite my best efforts, it has worn me down. I always though things would settle and we could start a family of our own, give his DC another sibling. It'll never happen now though.

I do think I need to see the GP I just need to gear myself up for it and figure out how I go about speaking to someone about this. I just feel stupid, that I should be able to combat these feelings myself. It's a dark dark place though and I don't want to get lost in it. Thank you all again x

OP posts:
Original poster
Starwar · 26/11/2015 04:31

If any of you pick up on this later Has anyone tried St johns wort? X

OP posts:
Jux · 26/11/2015 08:37

You are NOT stupid. You are very clearly a thoughtful and insightful person. You have been hit hard and are responding to that, but that makes you normal - it would be strange if you were unaffected by the breakdown and ending of your marriage, wouldn't it?

GPs don't mind if you tell them the problem using speech, or writing. They want communication, but if it's easier to write down than to speak they'll not spurn you. Take a note with you, and then if you find you can't say, you can just hand it over.

Original poster
Starwar · 26/11/2015 09:05

I'm probably overthinking how I feel and worrying about worrying is just making it worse. I'll ride the wave so to speak and go with it. Maybe this is normal and just how my mind is coming to terms with what's happened and preparing me for what's coming.

It's been very helpful posting on here and reading all the replys. I found this site when I was having issues with the DSC. not sure I qualify to be on here now Confused. It's been very helpful all the same, thanks a lot MNters Flowers x

OP posts:
BastardGoDarkly · 26/11/2015 10:36

Don't be daft, everyone qualifies! Stick around, you may need support over the coming months, and we'll be here for you Flowers

I would still highly recommend going to the gp though x

Maryz · 26/11/2015 10:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Starwar · 26/11/2015 17:08

I'm not really crying much. When we row I cry myself in the room but really I'm not crying much. Perhaps that's s good sign Confused That might change when he leaves and the reality sinks in.

OP posts:
Mellifera · 26/11/2015 17:27

OP, have you been to the GP?
I worry about you getting lost in that dark place. Been there recently, it's scary. I hope you will realise at which point you need help with your mood. Look after yourself.

Original poster
Starwar · 26/11/2015 17:36

No I haven't been. I am seriously considering it. I just try and get up and go to work, before I know it the week is gone in a haze of work, bed and arguments Confused DH is leaving today, currently packing the house up, I'm staying out if the way! I may go to the GP next week if I still feel the same.

You're right, it is scary x

OP posts:
springydaffs · 26/11/2015 18:06

At Johns Wort is good, I'd definitely recommend it - but not with ADs. Perhaps try St Johns Wort first and see how you get on. If things get worse you can move on to ADs. (St Johns Wort is the most prescribed AD, natural or otherwise, in Germany. Can't get it on prescription here though!)

Perhaps your thread could get moved to Relationships? Click 'report' and ask for it to be moved. Different sort of traffic there, very supportive (not that here hasnt been very supportive but it's not generally known for it!)

Thinking of you today and in the days ahead.

Of course you qualify to be on here!

Original poster
Starwar · 26/11/2015 18:33

Your right, I wasn't sure where to post it. There is a MH board but having glanced at it it seems pretty full on. Yiyr right in that the main problem is the relationship that's causing me to feel like I do. Maybe I need to concentrate more on that rather than stressing that I'm going off my head Confused The messages here have been lovely and so helpful, I will try and get it moved x

OP posts:
MNHQ
TheOnlyOliviaMumsnet · 26/11/2015 21:42

Hi there
We've moved this to Relationships for you OP
Kindest

Original poster
Starwar · 26/11/2015 22:25

Thank you x

OP posts:
ifyouregoingthroughhell · 26/11/2015 22:35

Glad you've moved onto this board. Unless you've been depressed constantly over the last six years, I would put most of this down to the situation you are in now.
I understand that you are going to miss the children, of course.
You may not feel better for some time as you need to grieve.
I am not against AD at all, but if you do decide to take them, consider them a stepping stone through your grief.
Has he been a complete for several months?
Has he suggested you have mental health issues and need help ?

Original poster
Starwar · 26/11/2015 22:42

No he hasn't suggested it at all, he thinks I'm just a 'lazy bitch' Confused for spending days in bed, not speaking to friends, doing nothing round the house, basically hiding from life! Our marriage has really been doomed for months and I've felt like this since then. I've never felt so low for an extended period of time like this. I've never had a failed marriage and lost 2 children either so likely it will pass and is a normal reaction. I'm hoping so anyway

OP posts:
springydaffs · 27/11/2015 00:00

Tell us more about the sort of things he says to you. So far it's been 'lazy bitch' and that you are not linked to the kids so you'll never see them again. Despite parenting them for 6 years. That he's taking everything and leaving you a mattress. That he moved out today and you made yourself scarce - I get the feeling your frightened of him.

You've so far defended him but he is not sounding a nice person at ALL.

ohtheholidays · 27/11/2015 01:21

Hi Starwar how has today gone?I hope your okay,sorry for the really late check in.

Original poster
Starwar · 27/11/2015 01:57

No no, I'm not scared of him at all, he would never lay a finger on me. He is upset about it too, he was drunk when he called me a lazy bitch, he tends to be mean when he drinks but I'm not scared of him. He is a lovely sober person. I unferstand the children thing although it cuts deep. They have seen their parents relationship break down now now they're having to see it again. I understand why I need to stay away, it's very hard. I think he is just lashing out saying these things, he really isn't horrible.

It just so hard. I wish I could curl up in a corner and just stay there. Im dreading the future alone. I'm sure everyone feels like that thoughConfused

OP posts:
Booyaka · 27/11/2015 07:24

Could you ask about sending the kids, cards and presents on occasion? And possibly letters? It might be worth asking when the dust starts to settle, to keep the door open to possible contact in the future when everything's calmed down. Hopefully when your not in the actual eye of the storm, he'll realise it's not in his girl's best interests to cut you out of their lives.

Original poster
Starwar · 27/11/2015 17:00

Maybe he will calm down about the children but I doubt it. There are 3 not 2 that was a typo. The eldest will not be too upset, the 2 younger ones may be more affected. No more than loosing a close family friend out of their lives. They have 2 parents that love them, they'll be okay.

I will miss them so much. Coming home to an empty house this evening is pushing my limits of endurance Sad

OP posts:
springydaffs · 27/11/2015 17:39

They have seen their parents relationship break down now now they're having to see it again. I understand why I need to stay away,

I don't agree! It's the abrupt loss that is the most damaging for them imo. Out of sight is NOT out of mind for them, far from it. Suddenly disappearing from their life is the worst possible thing for them imo. Why people think children are OK with this is beyond me.