To think I might really have a problem!

[Starwar]

Not sure if this is the right place to put this. I'm a regular poster but have NC for this.

I think I might be depressed. I don't mean just feeling down or fed up. I have no interest in doing anything at all. I ignore my friends who have given up bothering to even contact me now. I do go to work but that's it. I fake a smile and am probably still seen as the life and soul, but it's just a show, a very tiring one at that. I come home, close the curtains and go to bed. Im annoyed if the phone rings because I just want to be left alone.

I know it's not right but I can't decide if it's just a reaction to my current situation DH is leaving and will hopefully pass when that does. I am very upset about the breakdown of our marriage but I know there is no other way. it's like my entire future had been wiped out.

He says I'm being lazy and I wonder if he is right but maybe I need to see my already stretched GP. I feel to do that would just be wasting their time. I'm just so fed up and down. I don't have anyone I can talk to about this in RL. I'm hoping someone in here will give me a virtual kick up the arse.

Sorry if this is in the wrong place

No ive been told I won't have anything to do with the DSC now, they're not mine and nothing to do with me . Despite the fact I have helped raise them for 6 years. I understand that though they are still young and it will be hard for them too. As far as the marriage goes, it is a long story he is upset about it too.

I guess I'm wondering if the way I feel is normal. My inability to have any interest in anything, not wanting to talk to anyone, feeling like my life is over and there is no point in any of it anymore. Putting my job at risk and not really caring about anything. I've felt down/upset before but never to the extent that I don't care about anyone ir anything. Painting on a smile and making small talk when I have to. Not caring that my friends most likely have given up trying to have contact with me because I cancel everythhing.

Has anyone felt like that for months on end and it just passed as the situation moved on without having to resort to speaking about it?

The bit that I feel for when I read posts like this is that people are just like you, working putting a brave face on etc in varying degrees because they are too polite to cave in and admit they need help. Others meanwhile moan and whinge are off sick etc yet really don't want the problem solving. op I don't think the dark weather helps with mood either. Do you / would you swim? It's a life saver for me. I pack my bag before work put in big jumper/ hoodie and leggings to change into after, get in the pool just keep going as long as I can and until I feel I've got rid of negative thoughts. I've nowhere near your worries but it is something that helps me. Good luck you sound very lovely.

OP. I had a horrible EA relationship and was left with 5DCs to raise. DS was only days old. I couldn't sink any lower.

I couldn't move in my flat, cramped wasn't the word. No space at all. Now fuckwit is off the scene completely and 3 DCS are at uni, I had the space to make the room mine.
I used to dream of my own space and planned for ages. Now it is a man free zone (well it was until very recently ) and it is cosy, all mine, and makes me feel safe.

Start thinking of how you would like your room to look. Then small steps to achieve it. Let him take the furniture -you can start anew. One piece at a time.
Your room, your haven, your sanctuary.

As your life becomes more stable, and hopefully more positive (it will I promise), you will easily find those clean nik nacks each morning - in your lovely bedroom

It sounds like heaven beautiful I will be left a mattress I'm told I don't even care about that to be honest. I know I sound pathetic

starwar I think 'will this eventually just go away?' isn't really the right question. If you were feeling physically ill you probably wouldn't even consider letting your friends go, letting your job hang, letting yourself continue to suffer for an unspecified period of time ....and all rather than seeking treatment?

I mean imagine breaking your leg and thinking...oh well I guess I just won't bother going out for a while...it will probably get better on its own with "resorting" to treatment...

It is actually completely bonkers the way we approach mental health in this country.

You can look after your mental health proactively in just the same way you can your physical health....

You can get advice on your mental health from doctors, in just the same way you would on your physical health.

Try not to fall into the trap of not viewing the two as equal....

Sorry that should have said "I mean imagine breaking your leg and thinking...oh well I guess I just won't bother going out for a while...it will probably get better on its own without "resorting" to treatment..."

You've said some pretty worrying things, really, Starwar - I'm not suicidal although I do sometimes feel that would be a blessed relief - and so I do think you should not try to wait for it to pass.

Has anyone felt like that for months on end and it just passed as the situation moved on without having to resort to speaking about it?

It's been months on end. You know/assume it's going to get worse. If it's the idea of talking that's holding you back, you can write something for the GP and just hand it over. You'll need to answer questions, but at least the initial explaining will be dealt with.

If your ankle was painful to walk on, wasn't getting better for months, and keeping you housebound apart from essential tasks, would you seek medical help?

X-post with everyone else!

I think what you are describing is a normal reaction to a massive life change. Be kind to yourself, sleep as much as you need to, and take stock in a month or so. Don't forget that it's winter and that can make things seem much harder to cope with.

Starwar this part does sound like depression to me.

I guess I'm wondering if the way I feel is normal. My inability to have any interest in anything, not wanting to talk to anyone, feeling like my life is over and there is no point in any of it anymore. Putting my job at risk and not really caring about anything. I've felt down/upset before but never to the extent that I don't care about anyone ir anything. Painting on a smile and making small talk when I have to. Not caring that my friends most likely have given up trying to have contact with me because I cancel everythhing.

I think talking to someone would be a really good idea for you,i honestly do and please know that real friends will understand.

I've had friends,one was my BF of 37 years that had depression,I was still there for all of my friends that went through depression.I had one friend that was suicidal and that scared the bloody life out of me,but because I was her friend it made me even more protective of her.A real friend will be there when you need them and will back off when you need them to no matter how much time passes.

With the children is they're Mum still around and how old are they??

Unless you'd be a harm to the children which you don't sound like you ever have been or would be then what he's doing is cruel towards the children.I know he may be hurting but no matter how bad he feels when you become a parent you have to put your children first always and I can't see him stopping them from seeing they're stepmum who obviously loves them so much as being in any way beneficial towards the children,it's actually very cruel towards all of them and yourself and I think it's something he'll really regret!

I do think it's more than likely reactional to my complete disaster of a life so maybe it's normal to feel like this, maybe it will pass when things settle.

Very sorry for what you're going through, OP. The profound sadness you're experiencing is of course a natural reaction to a deeply upsetting situation, and in that sense is 'normal'. However, when something of that nature continues over a long period of time (as you seem to describe), it can have the effect of recalibrating brain chemistry, which is when sadness becomes reactive depression, which is not normal and, as you're finding, is very disruptive to your ability to carry on with daily life. If you're genuinely depressed then it won't just settle in due course and you probably do need some help getting through this period.

I do urge you to make that GP appointment. I understand your reluctance to take antidepressants but GPs are much less quick to press them on patients inappropriately than 10-20 years ago and will talk through how you're feeling and what your options are so you can settle on a plan that's right for you. If you do decide to take antidepressants, then coming off them successfully is a matter of doing it at the right time and tapering off your dose gradually to avoid bounceback depression. Modern antidepressants are not addictive and coming off them in due course is much less problematic if the initial need to take them was triggered by a life event. Do go, please... whatever the GP ends up diagnosing or not diagnosing, they really won't think you're wasting their time.

Really sorry for your situation.

It's normal. Your grieving the loss of a relationship. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time. You aren't a robot and you can't switch happiness on, your allowed to feel like this.

Thank you all again. The kids mum is very much around. I got on very well with the children and I loved them a lot, I'm under no illusions that they won't miss me as much as I miss them. They'll get over it, I'm not sure I ever will

OP, it may well be reactive depression, and it certainly sounds like depression to me.
The problem is, sometimes it doesn't just pass without doing anything. It can turn into clinical depression, when your mind is constantly thinking negative thoughts, and suddenly the happy and good thoughts cannot get through anymore. That's when ADs are most effective, to get a balance again.

I've been there twice, denied needing ADs for a long time, I wish I hadn't. Both times it had got so bad that I was unable to function at all. DH had to take time off work to keep the family show on the road for 2 weeks.

Last time I was on ADs (tricyclic) for a year, came off them gradually with no problems. I was healthy for 5 years, until a new trigger came along and I slipped into reactive and then clinical depression over the course of 9 months. I've been on ADs (tricyclic again) for 2,5 weeks now and I feel amazingly different. Calm, the constant noise in my head has stopped, I can sleep, and function. Therapy will deal with what happened and hopefully make this my last episode.

Don't let it come to the point of total breakdown, you know you're not feeling ok, go and see your GP. Talking therapy may be available to you, it was and is essential for me. I'd never just take tablets.

Good luck and I hope you feel able to get the help you need.

starwar It depends what you mean by 'get over it'. It will never not have happened....but you absolutely have the capacity to recover and heal and grow. It might take time and effort and lifestyle changes and medication either short or long term. But healing is certainly possible...and I would go so far as to say desirable and even deserved!

Starwar, I too was in exactly the same position as you 3 months ago. In my heart I knew that I had been depressed for a while following my father's long illness and death. Eventually I went to the doctor and was officially diagnosed. The apathy was the worst symptom for me and I still have to work hard on that. I ignored the phone, texts, family and friends.

I have since gone on anti-depressants, resisted them at first, and I'm seeing a therapist. All I can say is that this 2 pronged approach is working for me. Now more good days than bad and have reconnected with my friends. I was of the fake it to make ilk and like you at work was considered the life and soul. I held off going to the Dr for far too long. It hasn't been easy but each week I see some improvement. I guess I have been lucky in that no side effects from the anti depressants so far.

Part of my therapy is to make sure I go out everyday and to do something enjoyable for me. I found that I had forgotten to how to enjoy myself and for far too long had been focussed on everyone else and my work. The app Headspace was recommended to me and the book The Happiness Trap.

I think that your having recognised that something is wrong is the first step on the road to recovery and please do speak to someone about whether it is your Dr, family or a close friend.

I really feel for you OP

I am a natural cocooner as well - I'm introvert by nature and when things go badly I just want to shut off and not speak to anyone. I'll spend whole evenings watching TV, surfing the internet etc just to try to not engage with my thoughts. Right now it's hard as my marriage has also broken down (but we are co habiting so a slow and painful death) and I've had work problems too.

I haven't had ADs so I can't comment on that. But -

Things that help -

• I reached out to an old friend, who I'd been out of touch with for a while, and told her I was having a bad time and could we meet. I was totally honest with her about what was going on. It has been a lifeline. Are there any of your friends you could do that with? It was a huge relief. Please please do this if you can. I wouldn't feel bad or embarrassed about it - your friend would most likely feel good that you're trusting her and sharing something important.

• Exercise, if you can manage it, something like couch to 5k... realise that may be a stretch

• Getting out of the home environment when you can bear it, just going out for coffee or late night shopping - it sounds like home has a mood and atmosphere that is dragging you down, I feel my own mood sinking as I approach my front door

Things that don't help -

• Superficial socialising - don't force yourself to do this - making small talk with seemingly happy sorted people is guaranteed to make you feel worse

• Comfort eating - I've recently given up chocolate / cake / biscuits as I was binge eating then felt awful

Take care of yourself and remember there is NOTHING WRONG with asking for help x

Your ex sounds vile. I'm not surprised you have felt increasingly ground down and depressed and worthless. He's leaving you a mattress? What an utter arse.

get yourself some ADs for a couple of months to give you respite from the worst of it and to stop you slumping lower. That online mood gym is quite good. It will help you recognise unhealthy patterns of behaviour. I suspect that in a year's time, with your ex out of your hair you will be stronger and brighter and feeling good without him leeching your self worth.

What did you used to love and enjoy before you met him? What used to make you laugh? What did you wish you had time to do in the evenings but couldn't because you were busy with ex and his DC?

When my vile ex left (decades ago but it was a shock at the time) I made a list of all the things I loved which he despised and had engineered out of our lives, and I reinstated them all. Music I liked, clothes I felt good in, recipes I enjoyed, friends I got on with that he didn't. Took a while to get there but it was good.

Your GP can and will help. You are going through a horrid and sad time and don't have to cope alone.

In the meantime, and I know different things suit different people but I've really found walking helps. No, it doesn't cure obviously but 20 minutes solitary strolling helps me enormously to clear my head and I at least feel I've achieved something away from wanting to crawl under a duvet for a month.

Remember, you won't always feel like this.

ohtheholidays, thanks very much - and thanks to all who responded re coming off ADs. I'm glad you haevn't had any repeats, ohthe. Yes it sounds like the meds have moved on from say 10yrs ago when they were addictive. I don;t think it's a personality type that makes you addicted, they were addictive substances, it's good to know they are better now. Though it sounds like not always - all those issues one poster told about lasting days or WEEKS must have been horrid but it seems like most people come off easily (if gradually).

Personally my problem is that I seem to slip into depression for a few days as part of PMT but it can be bad enough - nothing like the OP but I want to hide away, I binge-eat and am hyper sensitive to any negative reactions to me/people ignoring me - partly as the lack of a partner and some other problems get me down on these days most of all. But I don't think I should/could take ADs when it comes and goes - most of the time I manage to think positively.

I agree that OP should try ADs after reading that it's been like this for months and not getting better - I don't think once you are on then that's for life - I've read that if it's a reactive depression it's not the case, it's to tide you over while life is moving on and possible bringing something new and good. I don't know how old are you OP, but even after the horrible death of a marriage and parting with stepchildren (which is really really cruel of your H), you could still have a personal life eventually.

noclueses I think you are correct that you couldn't usefully take them only for a few days a month...

Probably a dumb suggestion, but if its tied to PMT have you considered controlling your menstrual cycle instead...going on the pill, or a different one if you are on one already? Or some other form of hormone modification?

I feel your ex is coming out of this badly. In denying you and the children contact he us not only hurting you but will hurt them terribly. I don't think they will 'get over it'
And the mattress thing.
It sounds vindictive.
As for the ADs, I was on them for 2 years. They helped me with my situation. I don't need them now. They were a tool, a medicine that re balanced the chemicals in my body.

Sorry you're facing such gut-wrenching sadness op

Re the sc - could you approach the mum about seeing them now and again? I know it won't be the same - so sorry you're facing this. Hopefully she will see it is destabilising for them to lose you, especially to lose you suddenly and entirely. I'm of the belief that kids can't have too many people loving them - you have loved them for 6 years and been a constant in their lives. They will need that relationship to continue, even though it'll be on different terms.

I must say, your stbx isn't covering himself in glory is he. He's not sounding very nice..

I do think you are reacting to very challenging life events - which have also been dragged out. Although I'm a fan of ADs i 'm not sure they are always the answer - it's not always appropriate to avoid pain at all costs. You know yourself op - you could be the type to hunker down for the duration, like a wounded animal crawling away to heal. As you say it's perfectly appropriate to really struggle with so many losses at once.

BUT, that said, I think you need to check in with your GP. You need to be visible. You may not want to be visible but it's the sensible thing to do. Is your choice whether you engage with what they offer eg courses (CBT eg), meds; but they do need to be involved, even if it's for intermittent updates. They need to check on you now and again to see how you're getting on.

I wish you all for the future Starwar xx

Starwar I think if you've had such a good relationship with your DSC that they will feel exactly like you will about not seeing each other anymore.

Is there any way you could speak to they're Mum about seeing them?