I'm furious and I don't know what to do now.

[Hurr1cane]

I've been in a relationship with DP for a long time now. Started off very slowly as I have a DS who is disabled, both physical and learning disabilities and has an array of health problems. But we decided a couple of months ago to work towards moving in together so his house is on the market and we are sorting mine out.

Anyway, basically DP works nights, he used to work Monday to Friday and was on about changing his working week to Sunday- Thursday so we could spend some alone time together, as DS is at his dad's Friday nights and Saturday days. I thought this would be great. His work agreed to the change of hours.

Anyway he changed his mind when a job came up somewhere else he wanted to work, the job he wanted meant we would see even less of each other but I never mentioned that, it was what he wanted in a job that mattered most, so I threw myself into helping him get it, re wrote his CV, did all the computer stuff he needed to do (the job is nothing to do with computers and he is useless with them) and he got the job.

Job means that one week in every 3 he doesn't get a day off. He would never get Friday nights off. This weekend was one that he didn't get a day off, so I planned a massive clean on Saturday.

DP rang Saturday lunch time and asked where I was and why I hadn't come to see him, I didn't know that was what he wanted but I dropped everything and went round for an hour, for which we walked his dogs in the freezing cold, and he spent the rest of the time faffing about with chores and not really talking to me.

Then later, on his break from work, he called and said he'd come to mine straight from work, at 1am. I said he could and went to bed, he came in and woke everyone up, so I went and dealt with DS and then got back in bed and we went to sleep.

This morning DS went to respite for 2 hours, the respite isn't for me, I didn't want it, as DS has a shortened life I want to spend every second with him, but he was getting much too reliant on me and wouldn't go to anyone else so SS wanted him to have respite with one trusted person so that's what he does.

When he went, DP was in a mood and kept snapping at me, we went to his and I started making us both breakfast and suggested we take DS and his dogs out for a walk later, he said he wanted to take them with me now and I said I didn't have enough time as I had to get back forDS. He then got arsey and said that there wasn't enough time for us to spend alone together and 2 hours wasn't enough and I needed more, when I told him I didn't want more he shouted at me (he's never shouted before) looming over me and said that it wasn't fair on him then and that he was in the relationship for me although he loved DS he never got to see me alone.

Anyway I pointed out that he took the job that meant he wasn't free when I was and that was his choice and I wasn't moaning so he didn't really have a leg to stand on and he kept shouting at me until I just walked out and drove home.

That was over an hour ago. I haven't heard from him since. DS will be so gutted if he leaves now. I was so careful about not introducing them until things were serious. I feel like a shit mum as well as gutted that the lovely kind man I fell for turned into a nasty brute within a day.

I think a month is a fair amount. But remember to insist on it, no matter how lonely for each other you two may get. And also remember, at the end of it if you decide to carry on with him, to insist that he be completely honest with you about any counseling or treatment he's undertaken to deal with whatever this is that's affecting him. I'd even think about (after the month if you decide to stay with him) some joint counseling sessions, just to be sure that you both understand where the other is coming from and that there are no assumptions or unrealistic beliefs for the future on either side.

Also, you may want to be absolutely sure he understands completely what your son's prognosis is, and what the future holds for all of you as far as the care he will need. I know the future isn't a guarantee, but perhaps he needs to understand 'worst case scenario' to be able to make a completely honest decision for himself.

I wish you all the best of luck.

Hurr1cane, I think you are being incredibly sensible. Get space, reassess, and give him time to work on himself too, see how he does.

I suspect you won't be taken in easily. I also think you've got a strong head and will do whatever is necessary to give ds the best life possible.

Thanks everyone. I don't know if I intend to stay with him or not, it all depends on how he deals with what's happened to him, I've helped friends through similar situations and I know what to look for, but I think in DPs case I'm too close to 'help' him like he needs, plus with DS to care for I have to consider my own mental health and so I need to step back from it all.

I'm not angry anymore, I'm sad and confused but this was so wildly out of character, and trust me we've been in situations where he could have quite easily 'blown up' before, but he hasn't at all, that I believe everything has just got to him.

He accepted whole heartedly that it was not DS at fault AT ALL. He knows DSs prognosis and I think that he's worried about losing him too, when that thought hits you, you do want to run away from it all, and he's been so ill in recent months and there's been a few close calls, so that's bound to affect him.

I can't just throw the relationship away over one day, admittedly it was awful, and if that was his nature I would be running like the wind, but he's so against admitting mental illness, that the fact that he's actively seeking help must mean that he's scared himself.

I'm in no rush for anything, I'm young, and busy enough with my own stuff not to need anyone around, I'm in no rush to settle down although it is something I'd like one day, so giving it a month won't be too hard at all, time will fly by, sometimes I feel like I blink and lose a year.

He's made his family aware of what's happened and they've all rallied round to support him, they've offered it to me as well but I think I'm best keeping my distance from the whole thing until he's sorted it out, for both of us really, I can see how much he's hurting because he upset me like he did, he's one for women's rights and hates to think he's scared me at all. So until he sorts his head out, it's best I stay away so I don't set him back.

I'm sorry if you think I'm going against the advice of some, if it wasn't for the fact that it was a breakdown I would have left instantly, and there's still no guarantee I'll go back, I'm just giving us both some time to evaluate and for him to get better again.

I'm no stranger to stress, I know how it can make you feel, but I'm lucky in that I also know how to deal with it, but last night I couldn't do much more than sob, so even I was acting like a child. Luckily I have a fantastic group of friends who rallied round to help with DS and make it fun so he didn't see what happened and how upset I was.

Thank you so much for everyone who gave advice, you helped me realise that I was not over reacting and some of you made me really think about what caused him behaviour and therefore helped me manage a calm conversation with him today. Eventually... I'll admit at the start I just wanted to go home and bury my head in the sand.

I think the putting off moving in for at least another year is a very good idea.

It gives you a long time to see what he is going to do.

In the mean time I think you need to work on yourself a little so that you are not running around as soon as he calls up asking where you are etc.

Also I would belt and brace yourself contraception wise in the mean time until he has had the snip and all clear.

You sound like a fab person and mum, I wish you and your DS all the best.

Good luck!

My DS is 24. He is severely disabled (24 hour support needs0 and also autistic. Luckily he has no serious health problems.

I care for him, with respite four times a year usually. His Dad sees him, but doesn't have him to stay other than a weekend away every year or so. Sadly my DM, DMIL and other family members have passed away so I have very little support, other than my DD, and partner.

My partner has been amazing with my DS, and DD for the last 12 years. We have our problems like everyone, but never ever in all that time has he ever said anything negative about my DS, or his disabilities. Our life has to be organised primarily around his needs, and we don't have many opportunities to be alone together . I have to say, if he had or did, it would be the end of our relationship.

Sounds like you have a plan and you know what you are doing.
I do hope it all works out for all of you.
Keep posting for support if you need it.

I think you're right to allow yourself space and distance to think things through.

You may need to consider whether you hope to have more children in the future, because this man is showing you that is isn't willing to cope with the tougher aspects of parenthood.

Totally agree wannaBe.

Best of luck Hurr1cane

I think that you've made a good decision to step back and see how things pan out, once your partner has got himself some treatment for his stress and so on.

It may be that you can't overlook what he said in a month's time; so even though you've given it a month, I would suggest that you don't allow him to hold you to that - if it's not long enough, it's not long enough (and tbf it's not that long).

If he's that bothered, he'll give you as much time as you need - and if he pushes you for a decision either way in a month's time, then probably a "split up" decision will be the way forward.

Do what you need to do - stay safe, look after you and your DS.

I have reported your personal attack against me, Reality. If you count me as a 'usual suspect' then you are sorely mistaken as you have no idea who I am

---- (drawing a line!)

OP, going off your posts, this isn't just one off day of his, and other posters have also mentioned this. Remember, when someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time. You deserve more.

Hurricane I admire your level headed approach and think your plan sounds just right. For starters during this time apart you'll start to realise your true feelings and him his.

Good luck whatever you decide to do xx

A lot of you think that stuff before this outburst was rushed and ill thought out. I assure you it wasn't, it's just that I've left a lot of details out and only tried to stick to the facts for fear of outing myself. But I can see why you'd think this after a re read.

I am going to give it a month. Minimum. im not taking the decision lightly, not to break it off or to stay with him. I owe it to my DS to think everything through properly and to see how we all feel after some time

Whatever you decide to do , please PLEASE use a reliable form of contraception . Don't leave it up to your BF

Don't worry, I've made it to 30 with only one child. I still haven't come on. I think it might be the stress though.

Please do a Pg test . And do not leave contraception to chance , even if you think it's very unlikely that you would conceive.

You say you are not that bothered about having another child.
You already have a child with significant SN
The cause of these SN is genetic
You are in an unstable relationship with your partner
You are not sure if he will be a good father
Your partner now thinks that he doesn't want a child

Any one of these things is a very good reason to think very carefully about having a another child. Put together........

I think you need a clear head to work out what's best for you and your DS.

I'm concerned that you seem quite isolated and very dependent on your partner . Could you go out more socially when your DS is at his dad's / respite ? Take up a hobby ? Or join a group with other parents of Sn kids ans go to social events with him ? I know it's hard sometimes to do things with NT kids .

Are there any groups attached to your DSs school ?

OP has already taken a pregnancy test, it was negative.

Sorry I missed that
Thanks

I'm not isolated, I run two of the biggest SN groups in my town. I'm absolutely fine on that count but thanks for the concern, I know a lot of people are isolated but I thought I'd made it clear that I was busy and completely not reliant on him.

I also know about contraception. And I've also already said that we are stopping trying immediately.

The relationship wasn't unstable, it was absolutely fine until the other day. But since then he's taken full responsibility, apologised for everything and taken steps to sort himself out. I am taking time to weigh things up but I'm not jumping into a decision either way. The chance of another child getting DSs disorder is very very slim to be honest, because his disorder is so very very rare, that it doesn't even have a name yet. Like someone said up thread, logically it's likely to be a recessive gene in both his parents, and I'm no longer with DSs dad and haven't been since he was newborn, although we are still friends.

Blimey Kristina, if you tried a bit more you could probably be a tiny bit more patronising

It sounds to me like you are both reacting sensibly to this. If i am really honest i would struggle to become a step parent to any child and would by lying if i said that a disability as severe as your DS's sounds would be a huge issue for me. And that is totatlly down to my own self not being able to cope so it is understandable that your DP is suddenly having collywobbles. However it is/was unfair of him to have left things this long to decide that actually, its not for him. Unfair to you and unfair to your DS.

You need to know that this is just what it was, a bit of "fuck, what am i really getting into here" panic rather than him actually not being able to cope. If thats the case he needs to be man enough to walk away now rather than string you along.

As i said in my earlier post you sound like an amazing mum and your DS is lucky to have you.

In regards of future pregnancies (with this man or another) do you know about the genetics of your DS's condition? Is is dominant or recessive (so a recessive trait needs both parents to be carrying the mutated gene a dominant just one) There is genetic counselling and testing available should you choose to have another child so it isn't an absolute no no, but of course for now, you are in a state of working out whether or not to continue with the relationship but it is something (hopefully positive) to consider in future.

ignore my last paragraph, i missed your last post.

ignore my last paragraph, i missed your last post.

We don't actually know anything yet unfortunately. He's in all the genetic studies, both the biggest ones in the UK at the moment, and most parents are told they can only be on one at a time, but for some reason DS has been put on both at once, I'm not complaining though. It means double the chance for answers I suppose.

I don't think he was having a wobble after talking to him. I think he was just getting annoyed at everything in the world. He sounds absolutely gutted about what he said. To be fair he hadn't really slept, he was stressed about the job, other things are going on with his family (not mentioning everything because it'll out me but it's a lot) and I was in a bit of a mood that morning too and everything probably just tipped him over the edge. We have been together a long time and he didn't say anything to DS, but how he behaved was inexcusable and he knows this. He has already been to the doctor. I haven't had time to talk to him about it but he sounded positive in his message.

I am still giving it time. I want to give him time to get better. Stress can really do funny things to you. It is out of character and everyone is really worried about him, even though it was only that one day, because of how out of character it is. I think it was a bit like a massive panic attack.

I am glad he has been to see his doctor, hopefully he will get some support and medication if appropriate. Do you think he feels that he has made the wrong decision over the new job?

Like you say, one outburst is not something to end a relationship over and yes you are right, stress makes you say some terrible things that you don't mean. (i say that as someone who has suffered depression and hitting out at others can be a form of self harm, if that makes any sense at all - because you hurt the person you love therefore hurting yourself but you also make that person angry and question their love for you (testing) and again that is hurting yourself).

It sounds really difficult with your DS, have they identified a gene or group of genes that could be affected if not the actual mutation? (i have a background in genetics but non-clinical so don't pretend to have any anwers). What i do know is that progress in the field of genetics is moving on at a staggering rate so hopefully some answers are out there soon.

Hurr1cane, I think it would be a good idea to not make excuses for him or use your bad mood as an excuse for him being set off. That can minimize what happened and can even provide an 'excuse' if it happens again. It can also lead to 'self blame' on your part. Stress or a bad mood (on anyone's part) is no excuse for what happened. You don't need to vilify him or put part of the blame on yourself for anything. Just a good idea to say 'It is what it is, I make no excuses for him nor for myself' and deal with it from there.