I'm furious and I don't know what to do now.

[Hurr1cane]

I've been in a relationship with DP for a long time now. Started off very slowly as I have a DS who is disabled, both physical and learning disabilities and has an array of health problems. But we decided a couple of months ago to work towards moving in together so his house is on the market and we are sorting mine out.

Anyway, basically DP works nights, he used to work Monday to Friday and was on about changing his working week to Sunday- Thursday so we could spend some alone time together, as DS is at his dad's Friday nights and Saturday days. I thought this would be great. His work agreed to the change of hours.

Anyway he changed his mind when a job came up somewhere else he wanted to work, the job he wanted meant we would see even less of each other but I never mentioned that, it was what he wanted in a job that mattered most, so I threw myself into helping him get it, re wrote his CV, did all the computer stuff he needed to do (the job is nothing to do with computers and he is useless with them) and he got the job.

Job means that one week in every 3 he doesn't get a day off. He would never get Friday nights off. This weekend was one that he didn't get a day off, so I planned a massive clean on Saturday.

DP rang Saturday lunch time and asked where I was and why I hadn't come to see him, I didn't know that was what he wanted but I dropped everything and went round for an hour, for which we walked his dogs in the freezing cold, and he spent the rest of the time faffing about with chores and not really talking to me.

Then later, on his break from work, he called and said he'd come to mine straight from work, at 1am. I said he could and went to bed, he came in and woke everyone up, so I went and dealt with DS and then got back in bed and we went to sleep.

This morning DS went to respite for 2 hours, the respite isn't for me, I didn't want it, as DS has a shortened life I want to spend every second with him, but he was getting much too reliant on me and wouldn't go to anyone else so SS wanted him to have respite with one trusted person so that's what he does.

When he went, DP was in a mood and kept snapping at me, we went to his and I started making us both breakfast and suggested we take DS and his dogs out for a walk later, he said he wanted to take them with me now and I said I didn't have enough time as I had to get back forDS. He then got arsey and said that there wasn't enough time for us to spend alone together and 2 hours wasn't enough and I needed more, when I told him I didn't want more he shouted at me (he's never shouted before) looming over me and said that it wasn't fair on him then and that he was in the relationship for me although he loved DS he never got to see me alone.

Anyway I pointed out that he took the job that meant he wasn't free when I was and that was his choice and I wasn't moaning so he didn't really have a leg to stand on and he kept shouting at me until I just walked out and drove home.

That was over an hour ago. I haven't heard from him since. DS will be so gutted if he leaves now. I was so careful about not introducing them until things were serious. I feel like a shit mum as well as gutted that the lovely kind man I fell for turned into a nasty brute within a day.

I know I'll cope without him, quite easily. I'm pretty capable. I think it's just the total shock of it all. He used to explain DSs traits to his friends and always used to say that they were cute. He was only 4 days ago talking about us all going up to Scotland on holiday so he could play in the snow there and how much he thought DS would love it.

Yesterday morning he was talking about buying DS a scrambler and taking him out on it.

Then by afternoon, when he hadn't even seen DS, he decided that he was too annoying. I don't understand at all.

Of course a baby is off the cards now if I'm not already pregnant. I told him that he was stupid wanting a baby when he couldn't cope with DS and described exactly how annoying children are. A lot more annoying than DS usually, especially toddlers, so if he couldn't cope with DS then he couldn't cope with a child of his own.

DS does have needs but his behaviour is perfect, all he does 'wrong' is echo the same phrases, lovely phrases, and that's how he talks.

The bit that worries men its about your post is the shouting and 'looming' over you.

He agreed about the baby thing, he said it was me that wanted one but that's a total lie, he talked me into it and it took him a long time. I didn't want to risk giving another one disabilities. He knew that and knew my fears and talked me round and is now denying it.

I'm happy just me and my DS, I'm just angry that he's lied and faked it to get what he wants out of me, then left when he's all sorted, if that is what he's done. I don't know. Like I say it's totally out of character.

I'm hardly short of offers its not hard to 'get a new boyfriend' but I really don't want one, I didn't even want one when I met DP but he sort of got in somehow and I let myself become really happy with him, like some sort of stupid teenager. I should know better by now really.

Do you know what else? He fucking well used DS to get the hours he wanted at this new job, was given mornings and wanted nights and said to them that as DS gets up in the night he can sleep better in the day and legally needs sleep to do his job so they changed the hours for him on that basis. Used him for that then used him as an excuse to fuck off.

Hurr1cane he's not a nice man - he's blamed your DS; he's tried to gaslight you about who wanted to get pregnant; he's loomed over you and shouted at you. Your opening post was all about how you have helped him and the demands he makes of you. He is all about him.

You and your lovely DS deserve someone better. You deserve someone who looks after you.

Thank goodness he has shown you what he is before you became pregnant. You can't expose your son to this.

WTF did he expect you to do about your DS? I can't see there is any room for manoeuvre. So sorry x

Sorry about what's happening but I just can't ignore this:

"we have been 'trying' as in we stopped using anything, because his house was on the market and we expected it to sell pretty fast, also it takes that long to conceive seeing as he's always working we just stopped using protection"
What would have happened if you got pregnant really quickly and his house didn't sell as fast as expected?! No idea how long you've been together but why not wait until you were actually living together, settled into that new phase in life (especially as he'd had a big change in job), then consider children together? Even more so that you say:

"there's every chance in the world that it's my genes at fault and that another child I have would have the same conditions."
Then don't take the chance and try for a baby until you know for sure! What was the rush? Have you asked your GP about genetic testing to find out?

Hurr1cane then I'd be doing him a favor and telling his job that they know longer need to worry about those hours as you've split up.

What an utter Wanker he is.

Genetic testing, yeah, In two massive studies, DDD and 100,000 genome, still no guarantee they'll find the gene

If it happened and his house wasn't sold we were planing to rent it out.

it's very easy for everyone on this thread to sit here and decree that this man is a wanker based on this one exchange, and of course it is hurtful to the op that he has now said that he finds her ds difficult.

But it does sound as if this relationship on the whole has just happened without much thought being given to consequences of the decisions that have been made.

The op's dp has changed his job and his hours meaning they spend less time together than they ordinarily would. The op has agreed to try for a baby which would potentially be conceivd, if not born, into a relationship where the two parties weren't even living together. A baby which could potentially have life-limiting disabilities. Meanwhile there is a child in the middle of all this who does actually have disabilities.

It was IMO inevitable that there would come a point when one or both parties would suddenly snap and come to a realisation that none of this has been really thought through in any way.

Op, it is entirely possible that your dp does actually love your ds. But living with someone else's children is hard, and unfortunately the divorce rate between parents where there is a disability is much higher, so as much as your dp may love your ds, it's also possible that he foresees some pitfalls of being in a full-time relationship where there may never be a time when the kids grow up and leave home. Many biological parents struggle with this notion for their own children, if that child is not biologically related to someone that idea must be more difficult to contemplate because there aren't the parental feelings there, iyswim.

I don't think he's a lier or a wanker. I think that you have possibly both been swept along in this relationship, that you have possibly had your own thoughts about where things are going, him wrt being in a full-time relationship and partly responsible for the wellbeing of a child with profound disabilities, and you with the thought of having another baby which you weren't entirely sure about because of the chances of him/her inheriting the same condition as your ds.

It's possible that the breaking point could have come from either of you, it's just unfortunate that it's come from him at this point, perhaps his job and change in circumstances have made him think more or just piled on more stress and there had to be an outlet.

You need to sit down and talk honestly about your feelings, both of you. He's not wrong for having concerns about being in a full-time relationship with you and taking on your ds. Any step parent worth their salt should think these things through carefully before taking the next step in the relationship process, but perhaps he feels his commitment will need to be that much greater because of your ds' needs. But he needs to find a way to articulate this in a way which doesn't come across as aggressive. And perhaps he doesn't mean to, but in truth, if you rarely or never argue, then when it does happen it can seem that much more brutal iyswim.

This relationship doesn't need to be lost. But you do need to both find where it is you want to be and what it is you both want.

Today he's said he didn't mean anything that he said, he said he was just lashing out because of the stress of the new job

The job was 'for us' as it would be a job for life, he has a specific trade so it isn't that much different but it also is different, it's hard to explain without totally outing myself.

Also, everything that's been planned is stuff he suggested, I'm fine with just me and DS and didn't mind the way it was, it was all him doing the planning and asking and I ended up actually looking forward to it.

I don't now though. Now I don't even want to look at him to be honest.

But those hurtful words that he's said can't be taken back. You know what he really thinks. Your lovely boy is there to stay, what if it gets to this point again?
He doesn't sound like a nice man at all.
Boohoo about his work stress, why is your ds fair game then? Horrible to use this child as an excuse. Again just shows who he is.

No arguments generally means one person's holding back or lying. If that person isn't you.......

He did all the planning and persuaded you round to things you didn't really want?

Trust your gut instinct. If you don't want to look at him, don't have him living with you!

he's just lashing out because of the stress of the new job

I wonder what he'll do next when he's under stress then? He's loomed over you, shouted at you, intimidated you, told you he can't cope with your DS - and this is meant to be "lashing out" because he's stressed.

WEll you know - he might be right. But I wouldn't want to take a chance on that. And I do believe that often the truth comes out when people take the brakes off, as he did to "relieve his stress" the other day. He wants to take it back, because he probably is a decent bloke and he probably does want to stay with you - but in all honesty, that cat is long gone. No putting that one back in the bag.

And even if he is right and he was only lashing out - again, what would be next? I wouldn't take a chance on DS being around next time and hearing some of the "lashing out" words.

I know you're in a whirl, Hurr1cane (really apt username right now!) but give it a couple of days to let the dust settle. You not wanting to look at him at all is a good indicator of how much your feelings for him as a person have changed; they may change back, they may not - but I know you'll always put your DS first.

He decided to react to his 'stress' by taking it out on you in the meanest nastiest way he could. Straight to the heart of what would hurt you most. Your DS.

He then completely lied about being the one who wanted to try for a baby.

He has changed his mind now because surprise surprise after all your running around for him in the past you didn't beg him to stay and make changes for him.

He didn't quite have you as under control as he thought he did.

And he thinks that taking his work stresses out on a disabled child is an acceptable excuse?

Listen, I'm not saying it's right or wrong. I'm not saying whether he's a real wanker or just someone under too much pressure. But he has shown you a side of himself that would truly give me pause.

So, what would you think about asking him to take a 'break'? Be truthful and tell him that his behaviour has given you pause and that you need time apart to think about what is best for your son, and for you. And that he needs time to think about how he truly feels about being a team in raising a child with special challenges. And that he needs to realize that there will be no more children. That you will not take the chance.

If he truly is doing 'all this for us', if he truly was 'so stressed' that he made a terrible remark about a disabled child then he will be willing to give you (and himself) the space needed to make separate decisions about your future together.

I have asked for space and he has agreed. He's also said he wanted to get the snip because he's realised he really doesn't want children, he's now accepted that he was the one pushing for it but says that he's realised he wouldn't be able to cope. I think his 'idea' of me as the perfect mother didn't include when the baby grew up and got hold of a crayon and drew on his perfectly painted walls, or pooed on the floor, put his phone down the toilet and whatever else toddlers do.

He said he understands that DS is a really easy child, I think he thought that was due to my parenting because he says I'm brilliant with DS, but children are my life and I find them so easy to interact with, but really, it's just him. Most of his 'easiness' is caused by his disability and his being quite content with his lining up and spinning things and not wanting anything else.

He got upset and said he didn't want to lose me and went on and on about how 'perfect' I am (I'm really not, but I don't feel the need to nag because I'm busy and don't feel the need to rely on anyone else, and I enjoy cooking and helping people so I suppose I'm not hard work in that sense)

In the past he has been very supportive, he's kept watch at the hospital while I grabbed some sleep on the chair next to DS, he's fixed things in the house and bought DS some sensory stuff he needed which weren't cheap. So it wasn't just me running around after him, although recently it has been, but that was just circumstance I think. Everything seemed perfect until yesterday.

I've told him that IF I want to stay with him (and that will take me a good while to figure out to be honest) moving in will be off the cards for at least another year, which he was upset about but accepted. He said he felt like he needed more 1:1 time with DS because he was different 1:1 (he is, he doesn't engage in verbal stimming as much when he has your full attention because he's distracted) But I said that wouldn't be happening any time soon as I'd lost trust in him. He's also been snapping at some of his family and being the same with them so it isn't just us. It is very out of character.

He says he thinks he has had some sort of breakdown, especially since the shouting and looming and putting his stress on DS was totally out of character, he made an appointment with the doctor while I was there. He said he's been feeling more and more anxious and that all the job stuff has got really bad (to be fair, it really had, they kept losing information and sending the wrong contracts and basically being really useless admin wise, it stressed me out too) and there was all sorts of other things going on that stressed him out. I totally understand mental health problems but I told him that I couldn't fix that for him, he needed to accept that about himself and seek help otherwise there would be no future. He said being with me has helped him accept it, because I suffer with OCD and am quite open and honest about it, I don't feel like it's anything to be ashamed of and I control it. He accepted everything he did was wrong and apologised for it all. He said he was really ashamed of himself and the way he acted. I told him that I felt threatened by him and that I would not stand for that, he's a very strong man and although I am sure I can handle myself, carrying around a 10 year old does wonders for your arm muscles, I'm still only small and I won't have him acting that way. He was really upset about that.

I took a pregnancy test today as I haven't come on but it was negative so that's something.

I've not decided what I want to do, and right now my focus has to be DS, also his focus has to be on getting himself better and on his job, so for now it's all up in the air. The balls in my court though apparently. I think I'm going to give it a month and see how we both feel after that.

He did say that DS never winds him up, it's only been in the past week that he has been, but he says that everyone has been, every little thing has been getting to him. He realises how much he's hurt me by saying what he said and how it's 'burst the bubble' and made me look at him differently. He also knows that I will not, under any circumstances, accept DSs disability being used as an excuse or a reason. He also knows now that although I'm quite soft and help people, that I'm not a doormat at all, and that it will be a cold day in hell before I accept that kind of behaviour in a relationship.

Like I say, I'm going to give it a month, wait it out and see if he gets on top of his anxiety and stress levels and take it from there. I do fee bad for him and my gut is saying that it's a breakdown more than him showing his true colours, but I have to put myself and DS first

So after all of the advice on this thread, and all his terrible behaviour, you are probably going to stay with him?

Why do you think this is all you are worth?

"Like I say, I'm going to give it a month, wait it out and see if he gets on top of his anxiety and stress levels and take it from there."

That is an incredibly sensible and balanced approach at a very difficult time. Especially in light of the vitriol aimed at your partner by the usual suspects on here.

Well done you and fingers crossed all works out for you and your son.