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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'm furious and I don't know what to do now.

140 replies

Hurr1cane · 22/11/2015 12:37

I've been in a relationship with DP for a long time now. Started off very slowly as I have a DS who is disabled, both physical and learning disabilities and has an array of health problems. But we decided a couple of months ago to work towards moving in together so his house is on the market and we are sorting mine out.

Anyway, basically DP works nights, he used to work Monday to Friday and was on about changing his working week to Sunday- Thursday so we could spend some alone time together, as DS is at his dad's Friday nights and Saturday days. I thought this would be great. His work agreed to the change of hours.

Anyway he changed his mind when a job came up somewhere else he wanted to work, the job he wanted meant we would see even less of each other but I never mentioned that, it was what he wanted in a job that mattered most, so I threw myself into helping him get it, re wrote his CV, did all the computer stuff he needed to do (the job is nothing to do with computers and he is useless with them) and he got the job.

Job means that one week in every 3 he doesn't get a day off. He would never get Friday nights off. This weekend was one that he didn't get a day off, so I planned a massive clean on Saturday.

DP rang Saturday lunch time and asked where I was and why I hadn't come to see him, I didn't know that was what he wanted but I dropped everything and went round for an hour, for which we walked his dogs in the freezing cold, and he spent the rest of the time faffing about with chores and not really talking to me.

Then later, on his break from work, he called and said he'd come to mine straight from work, at 1am. I said he could and went to bed, he came in and woke everyone up, so I went and dealt with DS and then got back in bed and we went to sleep.

This morning DS went to respite for 2 hours, the respite isn't for me, I didn't want it, as DS has a shortened life I want to spend every second with him, but he was getting much too reliant on me and wouldn't go to anyone else so SS wanted him to have respite with one trusted person so that's what he does.

When he went, DP was in a mood and kept snapping at me, we went to his and I started making us both breakfast and suggested we take DS and his dogs out for a walk later, he said he wanted to take them with me now and I said I didn't have enough time as I had to get back forDS. He then got arsey and said that there wasn't enough time for us to spend alone together and 2 hours wasn't enough and I needed more, when I told him I didn't want more he shouted at me (he's never shouted before) looming over me and said that it wasn't fair on him then and that he was in the relationship for me although he loved DS he never got to see me alone.

Anyway I pointed out that he took the job that meant he wasn't free when I was and that was his choice and I wasn't moaning so he didn't really have a leg to stand on and he kept shouting at me until I just walked out and drove home.

That was over an hour ago. I haven't heard from him since. DS will be so gutted if he leaves now. I was so careful about not introducing them until things were serious. I feel like a shit mum as well as gutted that the lovely kind man I fell for turned into a nasty brute within a day.

OP posts:
ohtheholidays · 22/11/2015 13:56

I was just about to say that I hope he never has children as he's far to selfish.

Thank God you haven't had children with him.

magoria · 22/11/2015 13:58

Thank goodness you have seen this before having permanently tied yourself to him with another child.

PurpleHairAndPearls · 22/11/2015 13:59

Putting the "blame" on your DS is despicable. Any person prepared to "blame" a child with SN must know how much they will hurt this child's parent - it clearly demonstrates how cruel he is prepared to be.

Don't feel bad about him leaving your DS's life - be proud that you have ended something that might (and from what you have said, definitely would) have hurt you both even more in the future.

loveyoutothemoon · 22/11/2015 14:04

Sounds like he is using your son as an excuse. Has he been round yet?

WhatsGoingOnEh · 22/11/2015 14:06

I just feel so guilty for letting DS get attached to someone who's just going to leave.

Please don't get too hung up on this. I'm sorry to say people are always going to leave your son's life eventually -- people get old and die, or move, or fall out... What's important (and what you can control) is what you teach your son about losing people. How to cope with it, how to understand it, how to survive it, how to find happiness again afterwards. In short, resilience.

It sounds horribly like your DP was trying to make you split up with him.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/11/2015 14:10

Oh you poor love, please please lay the blame for this squarely where it belongs, on this excuse for a man. How dare he blame your DS for his own inadequacies? Did he expect your DS to just disappear? Was he hoping that, if you had a new baby to look after, you'd just offload DS onto his Dad full time or something?

He's an utterly selfish prick and clearly doesn't have the strength of character to be in your and your DS's life - good riddance to him. I know your DS is attached to him but I bet he's picked up on your STBEXP's attitude to him as well and will be relieved he's gone.

Do dump him first, honestly. He doesn't deserve you or your DS in his life. xx ThanksWine

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 22/11/2015 14:13

Flowers sorry he turned out to be such an arse.

Kids are more resilient than you think. People, not just partners, come and go but you remain.

Be kind to yourself.

gamerchick · 22/11/2015 14:22

It's better for the bairn to miss him before this person makes him unhappy which will happen if you ever have kids with him.

It's a lucky escape this one Flowers

CoolSummer · 22/11/2015 14:33

He didn't turn into a nasty brute within a day. It's painfully clear from your post that he's as selfish as anything and has been for a long time. Please don't go back to him...

Clutterbugsmum · 22/11/2015 14:35

Be thankful that you are not living together already, so even if you do stay together you keep him away from your home and your DS.

CoolSummer · 22/11/2015 14:36

It strikes me that you're very passive - you're letting him treat you like this, you're letting him take the mick, and even now when he's behaved so terribly, you're sitting back and are worried about him breaking up with you? I think you need to have a lot more self belief and see-confidence as you are worth FAR more than this. He ha been walking all over you and taking you for a mug - now it's time for you to be the active one and tell him where to go, don't wait for him to call the shots as usual. You and your DS will be just fine together Smile

CoolSummer · 22/11/2015 14:36

self-confidence...

BaronessSamedi · 22/11/2015 14:44

you have a chance for a lucky escape.
let him go. or bin him. one or the other. today. otherwise expect your quality of life to nosedive once you move in together.

SagaNorensLeatherTrousers · 22/11/2015 14:48

You put your trust in someone you thought deserved it; don't feel guilty for his actions...you aren't psychic and weren't to know he'd become increasingly selfish while asking you to change up everything for him. As far as putting the blame on DS...that's enough right there to get rid. DS will be fine, you and his dad are the crux of his little world I am sure and he will be able to adjust to the change.

BaronessSamedi · 22/11/2015 14:50

....... and FGS do not have a child with this 'man'.

unimaginativename13 · 22/11/2015 14:56

What an arse!

I can't help but notice, I know you keep saying you were carefully over the introduction. But from your posts I can see you don't live together, however you've been trying for a baby for 6 months now.

Sounds like a lucky escape if he's like this before you've moved in together!

Hurr1cane · 22/11/2015 15:30

Yeah we have been 'trying' as in we stopped using anything, because his house was on the market and we expected it to sell pretty fast, also it takes that long to conceive seeing as he's always working we just stopped using protection, because he wanted another child, I didn't mind either way but got really excited about it all.

He's been. Not much has been resolved to be honest. He just kept saying the same thing and I told him that blaming a child's disabilities for his own inability to be a decent human being is completely disgusting. He asked me if I'd rather he lie and that it was just DS. So I told him to fuck off and it wasn't DS, it was him.

I don't know what's going on, I'm just regretting everything now. I don't even know for sure yet if I'm not pregnant, I'm due on tomorrow. I can't believe all this. It's honestly came out of the blue for me. He always said how much he loved DS and how brilliant he was and talked about him highly to everyone.

OP posts:
Hurr1cane · 22/11/2015 15:31

The thing is, DSs issues are genetic, and undiagnosed, as wel he knows, so there's every chance in the world that it's my genes at fault and that another child I have would have the same conditions.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/11/2015 15:33

Well I for one am praying that your period arrives on time tomorrow!

You can't let this carry on, really - you have to end it with him - he's obviously been putting on an act with your DS and in fairness to him you have to stop all this right now. What your P wants is pretty much irrelevant now he's made his feelings plain :(

Good luck, Hurr1cane, and so sorry. Thanks

Hurr1cane · 22/11/2015 15:41

I just can't believe that I've been such an idiot, I thought he was perfect and all the time he was the type of person who would blame a small disabled child for his own issues

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/11/2015 16:13

Oh no, please don't be so hard on yourself - really! He's hidden his true feelings too well, how could you have known he felt differently from how he acted? Be thankful it's all come out now though, before you're tied to him.

Youarentkiddingme · 22/11/2015 16:13

Oh blimey Hurricane you've been to hell and back with your DS health and you've always talked about the support DP has given. That's such a strange and shocking turn of events.
I don't think what he's done is forgivable by any means but is there any chance this new job isn't all he thought it would be and this is his reaction to it? I wouldn't be allowing anyone to blame for child for anything so do think you seriously need to consider if you have a future but his change in attitude from what you've always said about him is strange.

Chocolate
GruntledOne · 22/11/2015 16:15

But what did he come round for? It appears he wasn't aiming to break up with you, so what was he trying to achieve? It seems to me this is, unfortunately, impossible to resolve unless he grows up overnight and accepts your DS wholeheartedly. Does he think you're going to put your DS into care or something?

Arfarfanarf · 22/11/2015 16:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Guiltypleasures001 · 22/11/2015 16:28

Oh op I'm so sorry

On one hand he was being honest, but the trying to have a baby with you and not telling you his true feelings is truly cruel. I imagine he would have treated the baby different as well to ds.

I wanted to take up your point about genetics it might not just be you lovely if it's recessive it's you and ds dad, I have a recessive gene thing with my ex its a 1in4.

Please be gentle on yourself , better you found out now than later I couldn't respect anyone who would blame a child, especially a child who sounds like such a special guy as well. You mention your ds issues are life shortening, I wonder how much support he would be/have been with this too.