I left my abusive husband

[plantyourhopewithgoodseeds]

After 5 years in what I can finally see as an abusive marriage I have left. It didn't start like this.

There were subtle emotional digs slowly chipping away at my confidence over time.

He told me I was mentally unstable that I needed to visit a GP and acquire medical assistance. He repeatedly told me that I was insane, if I ever got upset.

Everything was always "my fault"

He lied to me repeatedly with the justification that he did it because I would have only got angry therefore he could not possibly tell me the truth.

I wasn't "allowed" to be treated nicely as I didn't "deserve" it due to the fact I had the audacity to stand up to him at times.

He was sexually controlling

A compulsive liar

He gas-lighted

A cheat

He had a double life

To everybody else he was kind and caring and a wonderful, I thought nobody would believe me.

He told me if I ever left him he would destroy my life, make up lies, get me sacked from my job.

Over the past few months I began to wake up to the situation I started noticing things , started putting my ducks in a row and gathering evidence, finding a new home for myself, so I could leave.

Even when confronting him, it was my fault he met up with women for sex because I didn't fuck him when he needed it.....

I left, it's very early days, I feel free and I feel an immense feeling of relief. My space, body and brain finally feel like my own. I just can't believe at times I let this happen, some days I feel like screaming.

I never want him back in my life. I just need some support to stay strong and keep pushing on.

Sorry but hahaha re alcohol issues! I had that one too. I like a drink, yes, readily admit it. Occasionally binge drink especially when lonely. I would tell him not to encourage me to drink but then would arrive home with a bottle of wine. I was told I didnt remember things because I was pissed.

Glad to share plant. Hope it does us both some good - venting and support!

Btw the best response is no response.

I am going with no reply. The solid proof I do have that the solicitor has seen will be staying between us until the divorce is finalised, I don't want to do anything to jeopardise the proceedings, I just need this done.

runrabbit no questions, just assumptions and demands. This is Mr wonderful and lovely to the outside world so they just take his word.

I am exhausted today, and his little stunt of oh aren't I just such a wonderful caring husband with a fucked up wife, everybody feel sorry for me is just spurring me on to keep pushing, I know the truth. My middle finger is firmly raised to him this evening.

The evidence I have as well isn't just going to vanish into thin air once this all done, it will still be in my hands.

I keep his manuals on my coffee table reminding myself of all the effort he went to to try and destroy me, all of the hours he must have put in making the conscious decision to make my life hell, he is not human to me any more.

I had my my sexual health screening today as well which was not a pleasant experience but another practicality sorted.

I had a good cry and feel better for it, and lots of cuddles from the four legged zoo.

Thanks again to everyone who is posting, giving advice,sharing their stories and for all the encouragement and support

Custard creams are open

Ah you too have opted for the STD clinic. Wise move.

Keep strong plant. We're virtually with you

You sound bloody amazing OP!

You are me a year ago. My H was emotionally abusive, and then finally physically. And so I left him in Jan this year.

It's been a tough year, the first six months or was horrendous, full of self-doubt and zero confidence in myself. I had lots of counselling, went on the Freedom Prgramme, posted on here almost daily, and let my amazing family and friends support me. And it worked. It does get easier, life is a ball compared to being married to a soul-sucking fucker. Bloody well done for getting out

Yes No reply (for now), is the way to go ! Sorry yesterday I was seething on your behalf.

What an inspiring story, I like the image of you packing the van and escaping with your pets

Stay strong

Do not communicate with your ex apart from via your solicitor

You dont have to tell anyone in RL any reasons or details for the split just "that it didnt work out"

You are now free to live a new life

You have a second chance

Good luck !

What a brave women you are plant

Yes, don't respond to him and only communicate via solicters. Could you get another phone? This way you could keep your old one in a drawer and look at it every now and again. This way you won't have to look at any stupid messages both he and his flying monkeys send to you....?

I have visions of you holding a genteel coffee morning with the manuals on the table, and curious women having a look; while you say casually "oh, that was just some of the stuff I found on ex's computer....". They gasp as the truth sinks in and you can see their erstwhile passive faces turn to horror as they realise that the Very Nice Man is actually Not a Very Nice Man at all. Then they bustle off to tell all their friends and neighbours.

I have to stop reading old novels.

Silence is very dignified - as are you being. Especially if it's not going to be long until he's served with divorce papers (because they/he'll ramp up the messages in the interim) then just keep quiet and calm and keep going as you are doing.
Needing comfort or to cry or shout aren't not coping,they are coping mechanisms, and you're doing great.

Brilliant :) Well done you

Definitely get yourself another phone and don't give the number out to anyone who might give it to him/his parents. Even folk who might be well meaning but clueless. Then stick the other one in a drawer and don't look at it more than once a day/few days for evidence. Or block him altogether and get a new number?

You sound very strong, but you don't want your life going forward to be too caught up with his thoughts and messages.

Just to join in on the well done's and had a snort at the "alcohol issues".

As for other people's reactions, what a shame etc., it does make you doubt yourself but as I get older I've found myself much more circumspect about people's break-ups and I've found others in my circle are as well - you really don't know what goes on behind closed doors and the stereotypical "abusive relationship" with alcohol/addiction/physical injuries/ shouting/ chaos is thankfully being realised as more and more away from the reality of most/many abusive relationships. Carried on often behind closed doors, quietly, in a controlled orderly manner. Plus there is your ex's cheating to add to the list here as well.

You know you were in your right mind when deciding this relationship was toxic for you and you had to leave, the flying monkeys are just trying to reel you back in but they won't get far!

I have visions of you holding a genteel coffee morning with the manuals on the table, and curious women having a look; while you say casually "oh, that was just some of the stuff I found on ex's computer....". They gasp as the truth sinks in and you can see their erstwhile passive faces turn to horror as they realise that the Very Nice Man is actually Not a Very Nice Man at all. Then they bustle off to tell all their friends and neighbours.

You have to do this!

Hello

The crash came yesterday, spoke with some close friends and told them about the situation, everything felt incredibly overwhelming, cried for hours and it just would not stop. I

Feeling much better today though and back in my routine.

I have passed my old sim to a family member to keep hold of.

jux you're post are constantly making me smile.

Tea, and cuddles from the four legged zoo this evening and I am deciding on a new hobby to try in the evenings to keep me busy......any ideas?

I found doing cross-stitch embroidery saved my sanity during the worst time of my life. When stitching I completely switched off from thinking - wonderful respite - for hours at a time.

It's very easy to do, no skill required, and you could start with a little one to see of it's your thing. You can get kits from hobby shops or John Lewis.

I think you are amazing. I would love to see the look on your in=laws faces if they could see your ex's how-to-abuse-your-wife manual ........

I really don't like not replying to those who have posted, I know you're behind screens bur your all people and to me, it's like the equivalent of you saying something to me in person and then me just ignoring you!

city thanks for your continued support

phoenix & third thank you for the support. I have a new number and have passed my sim on to a family member. I no longer want to look at the messages/listen to voice mails, I do not need them filling up my head space, I need to now focus on getting me back together again

jux please keep reading old novels

Your posts keep me smiling and that does sound like a wonderful idea.

box thank you for your ongoing support and posts, I am carrying on silent, and keep telling myself that whatever is to come can't be any worse than what has been, it will be different but it will be so much better

Well done Plant. I've just been catching up with your thread and can see how, amazingly strong you are. If you do feel the need to cry, kick or scream, do it. It doesn't mean you're not strong, it just means you're letting stuff out. You're like the human manual on how to leave a controlling arsehole partner/husband.

namechanger thank you for sharing your story with me and for, it's so lovely to hear from those who have been in a similar situation and have come out/coming out through the other side with such positivity. I am so happy that your life is now a ball...and soul-sucking fucker is my new favourite term.

c8t what lovely words. I am now free and I do have a second chance, I have to keep telling myself that I never have to go back to that again.

BMW cross stitch sounds like a really good idea, I am quite handy with a sewing machine, but haven't had a go at cross stitch yet. I could cross stitch myself a moto to put by my new front door

I am still doing work to my manual and it's keeping me strong, posting it to the in laws when this is all finished may not be a bad idea

just read your thread, stay strong and all the best luck in the world to you

this might help your hobby... subversivecrossstitch.com/blog/page/2/

Just wanted to say I too think you are brilliant, I've been there too and life is going to get so much better now that is for sure! The divorce is going to be stressful, but find ways of counteracting the stress. I found Yoga, meditation, hypnosis apps, exercise.....and of course occasionaland really helped me. Gather a support group of friends if you can (although we are here too!) No contact with Ex is a must, including his flying monkeys. Let solicitors deal with it. There's a great book called Divorcing a Narcissist which I found really helpful, also a book called Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of abusive men.

Well Done OP......you got out!!!! Welcome to the land of the living!!

Glad to hear that you have given your sim to another family member!

Can I ask are your devises synced with tablets etc? I ask as messages/pictures and find my iPhone may be synced to anything STBEXH may have. Not being too tech savvy maybe someone more knowledgable may know, but this may not matter now that you have a new sim in your phone.

Plant you are amazingly strong! No need for thanks. I know from my experience that the more support the stronger you feel, even if from people "on screen". Sometimes I felt I overburdened family and friends so an extra space to vent/feel supported is much needed.

Four legged zoos are ace! My one dog zoo keeps me sane. Hobbies: I found exercise to be good. Something gentle like swimming or yoga. Good for the mind and the body.

You are doing great.
Have a good cry when you need to. It does help to get it out.
Sometimes the tears don't stop for hours on end. You think you can't cry anymore but you can. Get it out there.

Go to meetup.com and look at your local area. There are usually loads of groups you can join. For socialising to walking, cycling, yoga, badminton and all sorts of other things.
KOKO!

If you like sewing, you can look on www.esty.com for patterns to download, as well a X stitching/knitting/crochet, loads of craft ideas...... www.etsy.com/search?q=Cross%20stitching