I left my abusive husband

[plantyourhopewithgoodseeds]

After 5 years in what I can finally see as an abusive marriage I have left. It didn't start like this.

There were subtle emotional digs slowly chipping away at my confidence over time.

He told me I was mentally unstable that I needed to visit a GP and acquire medical assistance. He repeatedly told me that I was insane, if I ever got upset.

Everything was always "my fault"

He lied to me repeatedly with the justification that he did it because I would have only got angry therefore he could not possibly tell me the truth.

I wasn't "allowed" to be treated nicely as I didn't "deserve" it due to the fact I had the audacity to stand up to him at times.

He was sexually controlling

A compulsive liar

He gas-lighted

A cheat

He had a double life

To everybody else he was kind and caring and a wonderful, I thought nobody would believe me.

He told me if I ever left him he would destroy my life, make up lies, get me sacked from my job.

Over the past few months I began to wake up to the situation I started noticing things , started putting my ducks in a row and gathering evidence, finding a new home for myself, so I could leave.

Even when confronting him, it was my fault he met up with women for sex because I didn't fuck him when he needed it.....

I left, it's very early days, I feel free and I feel an immense feeling of relief. My space, body and brain finally feel like my own. I just can't believe at times I let this happen, some days I feel like screaming.

I never want him back in my life. I just need some support to stay strong and keep pushing on.

Citybumpkin, I don't know your backstory but I suspect it's him.

You would benefit from going on the Freedom Programme too. It'll help you stop wavering for one thing!

Plant, it would be good for you too.

Jux, just signed up to local counselling so hoping that will rid me of some (if not all) of these doubts about me. Just consoling myself with the fact that I've been through so much shit and I am still going. The next hurdle is TTC with the new OH.

Plant, if you need a chat about life, love and wankers then send me a message.

Pocket Jux the information I pulled varies from manuals on old conditioning methods, text on mental torture,medical studies, and a lot of PDFs* I will be writing my own how to recognise manual

serious phoenix thank you for such lovely messages. Yes of course Rekorderkig and nothing beats a custard cream.

Hellsbells such lovely words. appointment went well today. You're right I know the crash will come, I am a adrenaline/practical mode at the moment.The nightmares are quite bad and the early hours are the worst for me at the moment. It's so lovely to hear positive messages from those who have come through. And I will keep on keeping on

city I am really sorry to hear you are still being affected so profoundly by what happened. Please keep talking. I know it's incredibly hard to shut off and times and you sit picking things apart, not knowing which "truth" to believe. I started therapy a month ago and I am still going and think I will be for quite some time, it has been really useful. After appointments I do feel quite drained but a sense of relief at the same time. Its still early days for me, there are anxieties and issues that are apparent to me that I am going to need to work through.

Jux I have began looking at the freedom programme when I can't sleep.

Today I have been to see my solicitor and have started divorce proceedings everything is still very raw it wasn't easy. I have also been back to work it's been nice to get into a routine, I am not enjoying answering the questions people ask, but I am just sticking to the basics at the moment I don't want to take it to work with me.

Today I feel positive and physically tired which is good, I am nervous about what is to come after the solicitor has made contact.

The verbal abuse is still coming, the denial the suicide threats, I haven't made any contact since leaving.

Thank you again for all that have given support and shared their stories with me, the kindness of strangers has been wonderful, reading this thread will help me push on through those shit times

Please keep talking .

Hey Plant, glad to hear you are talking to someone. It helped me going to Relate. I can't express enough how great they were and how much I gained. Unfortunately they only see people for a year so then I was left to my own devices. I've had a whole load of crap go on: had to move out of the "family" home - it took ages to find somewhere to rent as I've got a dog; my mum was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago and is rapidly deteriorating; the dog is now elderly and deteriorating; redundancies at work etc etc. So I think all has built up on me and I reflect back on what was, ignoring all the negative. Now with OH and am reasonably happy, TTC but thinking what if...

You will feel drained, not just through counselling, but every day. It will get better but like me you will probably have blips. A male friend recently told me that when his ex left him it took him 4 years and a breakdown. Not positive but just an example of how it happens to us all at some point.

Wow, I think you are one of the most "with it", self contained women with this issue that I have read on here. So very well done, you are stunning!

One of the terms that says it for me, is "death by a million cuts", the constant nagging feeling of failing & losing of self esteem.... So now you can visualise, every day, one of those cuts healing... What an unbelievable bastard.

Just keep doing what you are doing, detach & ignore... If he says he is topping himself, well that is his choice.... You are not responsible any more.
At work, just one phrase, "It didn't work out for us." (might he come to your work place ?)
Anyway... please DO write a guide how to "spot the EA tossers". I will give it to my daughter. !!!

Hi City thanks for posting back and with your story. You have had an awful lot to deal with. The support you received from relate sounds great and it's lovely to hear you have made great progress despite the difficulties you have faced. I really appreciate your honesty about what you have been through and the emotional impact. I hope you can find some closure with the doubts that you have, keep posting here if it's helpful to you, and I will send you a pm. I had some of the same problems trying to find somewhere that would take me and my four legged zoo, no way were they not coming with me.

mix56 That is really touching. I think it's because I had time to prepare myself and plan and luckily a level of financial security which some people unfortunately do not have. Proving to myself that I was sound of mind and finding proof to validate what I guess I already knew, and getting myself to safety, became far more important than anything he had actually done like the cheating. Believe me I stood with a golf club ready to swing and smash every expensive gadget, I put it down because the short term gain for me was not worth the satisfaction it would give him, that he got such a reaction or could be used against me.

I work in a hospital so he would not be able to come/talk to me at my work place thankfully - I have been saying what you have suggested that the marriage didn't work and it has ended, but some do like to have a good probe for a bit of gossip.

The death by a million cuts term is a good one.

I do keep having to repeat that he is not my problem any more, I do get worried about any future partner he may have, he is never going to change.

I will be be writing the guide, if people would like to read when I am finished I would be more than happy to share

Plant I cant recommend Relate enough. From the initial assessment to all of the sessions. Sorry if I shared TMI. I find its best to share/get things out in the open especially if you help another. I felt really isolated when tje ex left. I didnt even look at online forums, just countless websites to try and find out what was wrong with me. Sad eh?!

City no need to apologise to me for sharing TMI, share what you would like and it is helpful Not sad at all city, for a long time I thought the problem was me, I think when we are in these types of situations it's "easier" to try and fix/find the "faults in us" rather than be able to see the faults in them if that makes sense, especially when you still care. Is there anything that helped you with your feelings of isolation?

Yes, the EA is far more complicated to deal with than "just" cheating.
Many women just wish the P would cheat so as to have a tangible reason to end the misery

I'm glad he can't bother you at work, that's an avenue closed immediately and which gives you a safe place in your head.

Keep an eye open for flying monkeys and for sudden, serious but not very specific, illness. Those are both tools that abusers use frequently. I suspect you're unlikely to be taken in much.

Yes, I would like to read your guide! I would like dd to read it too.

KOKO

My ex just walked away. A few months of me trying to win him back were met with downright abuse. I was just nice but I was called all the names under the sun. My counsellor said he was projecting. After I discovered that he had moved in with the OW just two months after we split up then I thoughy my counsellor was right. Doesn't stop me feeling like it was all my fault though. A flirty conversation several years before which led to nothing.

Wow - what a remarkable young lady you are. This thread has made me so proud and delighted for you and I've no idea who you are

I think you are right with what you are saying at work. Having your therapist is great, but what you will need - indeed what we all need - is something of a support network, to draw on and confide in as needed. You must be a pretty good judge of character by now - maybe think gently about who that you know you would like to draw on and in. These need to be not gossipy people. This is another reason why a IRL version of the Freedom Programme may help.

Keep going - the 'side effects' physically and psychologically will ease before long. Love the sound of your 4 legged zoo!

Your resolve is stunning, truly inspirational. If you do write your guide I would definitely want my DD to read it too.

If he tops himself then it's a decision he has taken and nothing to do with you. Although threats of suicide are easy to make and attempting the real thing significantly more difficult. So probably an empty threat designed to make you feel guilty. Really good he can't harass you at work.

Your pain will ease very slowly. Take it day by day. Best wishes to you.

Sorry my comments have been a little negative of late. Agree with other posters re your strength to leave. Amazing! I often wondered whether I should leave TBH but never did, stayed and worked at the relationship. Obviously this was one-sided. KOKO plant

Hello

Today I have had messages from the in laws saying he is so ill and worried about me that he cannot work, that I have a duty as his wife to come home, and they will support me through my current "mental breakdown" and help me resolve my "alcohol issues" (well that's a new one to me)

I made a sync to one of his many mailboxes, he is so incredibly ill and pained and worried of course that he has been arranging meet ups with strangers

initial response obviously is to try and defend myself as it's not the truth, however it's their precious son and they will believe what they will, he is more than welcome to play the victim in all of this, I don't want that role just for this to be finalised and for him to fuck off out my life. I haven't responded to them yet. Any advice on what to say to them?

box of snails thank you for such a lovely post. I have spoken with my immediate family and they have now seen the evidence, they have been a wonderful support but because they are so emotionally involved it can be quite tough. In RL at the moment nobody else knows the full extent, I do need to build myself a support network, I will be meeting with some close friends over the weekend to talk to them. I will also look into support groups. I do absolutely adore my four legged zoo

serious what a lovely message. I have started on my guide when I can't sleep.

city glad you are still posting. No need apologise, and thanks for the continued support and encouragement and for sharing your story.

You'll tie yourself in knots defending yourself love, don't waste your energy.

Me too x

I mean I'm proud of you too!

I would say:

I am in the process of instructing my solicitor.
It will be very hard for me as a "flaky alcoholic" to help resolve any imaginary problems your victim son may have conjured up to embellish his image before you.
However, should you wish proof of his lamentable lying cheating behaviour, I can happily provide this.
So, thank you for your offer of help, I wish you well.
& tell the idiot to get back to work.
Goodbye

If you have clear proof, I'd send it to them. And also say - very calmly and matter of factly - that calling you an alcoholic is libellous.

Personally I would not reply to them at all. I would completely ignore it.

Is there even a question they are posing? Is it simply a list of assumptions and demands?

If you feel you must respond, you say to the ILs exactly what you say to everyone else the marriage didn't work and it has ended

Nothing more, nothing less. Well maybe start with Dear ILs and end with Regards, plant if you are feeling verbose.