I left my abusive husband

[plantyourhopewithgoodseeds]

After 5 years in what I can finally see as an abusive marriage I have left. It didn't start like this.

There were subtle emotional digs slowly chipping away at my confidence over time.

He told me I was mentally unstable that I needed to visit a GP and acquire medical assistance. He repeatedly told me that I was insane, if I ever got upset.

Everything was always "my fault"

He lied to me repeatedly with the justification that he did it because I would have only got angry therefore he could not possibly tell me the truth.

I wasn't "allowed" to be treated nicely as I didn't "deserve" it due to the fact I had the audacity to stand up to him at times.

He was sexually controlling

A compulsive liar

He gas-lighted

A cheat

He had a double life

To everybody else he was kind and caring and a wonderful, I thought nobody would believe me.

He told me if I ever left him he would destroy my life, make up lies, get me sacked from my job.

Over the past few months I began to wake up to the situation I started noticing things , started putting my ducks in a row and gathering evidence, finding a new home for myself, so I could leave.

Even when confronting him, it was my fault he met up with women for sex because I didn't fuck him when he needed it.....

I left, it's very early days, I feel free and I feel an immense feeling of relief. My space, body and brain finally feel like my own. I just can't believe at times I let this happen, some days I feel like screaming.

I never want him back in my life. I just need some support to stay strong and keep pushing on.

Oh OP well done for leaving him.
Reading your story was like reading about my ex's behaviour.
The blame, the gaslighting, the EA.
Be happy.

used he was 6 years older. How are you finding things 2 months on?

savage thanks for you're kind words and support hearing from people in a similar situation is really comforting.

Today I feel numb, not sad, not missing him or his presence just feel like I am on auto pilot. I am struggling with sleeping I have a lot of nightmares. I am going to talk with my family today to explain the situation fully.

I have some problems at the moment with psychical intimacy and people being in my personal space, is this a normal reaction? Even hugs from friends/work colleagues is causing me discomfort.

Yes, that is normal. There are things I still can't cope with more than 20 years after getting away. So is the numb feeling and sleep problems.

Take one step at a time and you will get back to your normal self.

The hardest part is behind you now.

Having the scales fall from your eyes and then extricating yourself from his damaging presence in your life is/was a very, very brave thing to do. It must have taken immense courage.

The best thing to do now is to stop any communication other than through your solicitor. He'll try anything he can think of to get you back into his poisonous clutches. I see the pillock has already threatened suicide, like many duplicitous and controlling arseholes do. Not having any direct contact will protect you from any other twatty methods he can think of to reel you back in. He'll have cancer next and you can have a chuckle in private about it.

"I have some problems at the moment with psychical intimacy and people being in my personal space, is this a normal reaction? Even hugs from friends/work colleagues is causing me discomfort."

I don't find this in the least surprising. It's a pretty natural reaction to having your personal physical autonomy transgressed time and again. So is the sleep issue.

You're doing great. You really are. FREE! Free of his brainwashing and his vile abuse. Rejoice!

Adorabell thank for your reply, and for your honest answer. I am just taking it hour by hour. There is an awful for my brain to process so I am just trying to stay practical.

He is trying every tactic possible to continue to try and manipulate the situation and me. I will not let him do it again. He is a disgusting vile excuse for a human being.

bitter thank you for your message. I am it staying in contact I have switched sim cards and use my old one to pick up messages, I am not engaging with him.

I have moved myself to another town, so there is little risk of seeing him and he doesn't know where I am.

I have instructed a solicitor and have had two prior appointments and one tomorrow to begin putting a divorce into place. He is unaware of the amount of evidence I do have. I have copies and screen shots, video and photographic proof of his cheating. I have copies of email correspondence.One of which he is "joking" with a friend about physically harming me. I tidied up everything behind me and left it as it was bar a copy of a bill for an online sex service he had been using which I put on the desk. He is currently aware that I know he has been unfaithful and nothing more.

There has been an awful lot to take in. But I am free, I am smiling, my shoulders feel light. I walk around feeling in control of my life and it's such a precious feeling

This evening it has hit me that I never have to live with any of that shit any more ,I am safe and I am free. I have sat and grinned for the last hour and put some music on.

I know whatever is a head nothing is worse than what has gone by, it can only get better from here.

Thank you all, and please keep reading my ramblings and offering wise words and support. MN is a wonderful place.

Just in case you waiver.

You may wonder if he knows what he is doing at times. He does.

ifyouregoing thanks for the link. I will keep it on my play list.

Another one here for your play list.

G.R.L. - Ugly Heart Lyrics:

Well done for leaving. This is the beginning of the rest of your life!

OMG. Did he ever tell you that you were bipolar? He was the one spending £400 on a pair of shoes and being hell on earth when he had days off work.

That you never listened to him - apparently you had had a discussion about adopting kids. "Oh no sorry, I mustve talked to someone else about it."
That you couldnt have male friends - whilst he had several female friends, including nearly all of his exes. That you had to see a counsellor and they had to be female (obviously as you wanted to shag them if they were male)....

Good on you, plant, keep going. You will be up and down and sometimes in between, but you will be fine, and every day you will be closer to being utterly fine

I can see you striding into your new life, head up, hair blowing in the wind of your walk, with a big smile and a warm heart. Heads will turn at your passing! You've made me happy. Thank you.

These are for you You brave strong woman.

There will be good times and difficult times in the next few months, but when you are through them, the joy and relief will really hit you. The peace is incredible. Enjoy it.

I'm 18 years on from doing what you have done, and it was the best decision I have ever made. It will be the same for you, promise.

Full of admiration for your strength.
You will have learned so much about yourself and what you don't want/won't put up with in the future that it will be so much rosier than if you hadn't gone through this.
Be proud, be happy.

Well done!!! Just read your thread and pumped my fist in delight for you.

You are still so young, and without him you will now have a wonderful life I'm sure.

clucking keep the songs coming for my play list

city all along the same lines yes, stories changed, information changed every 5 minutes, told me I was insane and imaging things when I was fully aware they happened. an array of self diagnosed medical/mental health issues to justify his behaviour. Whilst pushing me down the route that I need psychological help. -which I quite clearly don't.

jux what a lovely message. I understand the road ahead of me will not be the easiest, and there will be an array of emotions to go through. It's lovely though to be able to cry and not be told to shut up, to sit in silence and for it to just be okay to do that, everyday I am a step closer to being utterly fine. You are absolutely right

Dulcee thank you for such lovely words and hearing from those who have been through a similar experience and come out the other side with such positivity and strength is exactly what I need.

upal thank you for such lovely words

limer thanks for the fist pump, I did exactly the same thing earlier on whilst putting the stuff together for the solicitor appointment tomorrow

I sit thumbing through the how to condition/train/manipulate women information I pulled off his computer, I can see each step from the subtle start to the unpleasant end.

I think I will write a how to recognise abusive behaviour and leave that two faced wanker manual

Do it!

This how to abuse manual, does it look like a professionally-published ebook, or does it look like something cobbled together by a couple of MRAs who were kicked out of the PUA movement for being "a bit too rapey even for us"?

Well done on making that difficult decision and ending it.
Good luck

Checking online how to condition and control women? What an absolute twunt.

You've done such an amazing, strong thing plant. You had the physical and mental strength to meticulously plan your escape and follow through. Keep your head held high proudly, buy more custard creams and strawberry cider (Rekorderkig I hope!) and enjoy yourself. You're a star.

Good luck plant! Unfortunately the ex had such a profound effect on me that I'm still struggling. He left me in the end. I often thought of leaving him but never did. I loved him and continued to put in the effort. He once told me that I never missed him when he was away. Ive got texts from me to him to the contrary. Ive tried to move on but really struggle. I now get overly anxious about things. The current anxiety is not being able to have children with my current DP.

Well done OP.
You did it all perfectly.
I hope the solicitor appointment goes well today.

The sleep will come but you currently have the adrenalin to keep you going.
You will crash and it is horrible but you will get there.

The other side is fantastic.

You sound amazing and strong.
Keep on keeping on (KOKO)

Oh do write the "how to recognise " manual. It would be so helpful to so many women, and we could give it our daughters too.

Agreed Jux. But I waiver between thinking is it him or me?!