jealous bf - advise please!

[inkypinky123]

Hi, I think I'm looking for some advise, words of support if possible regarding my relationship. Please try and be nice!

after 4 years single following an abusive relationship with my daughter's father , I finally felt ready to start seeing someone again. met current bf through a mutual friend and starting seeing each other around 5 months ago.

I'll try and get as straight to the point as possible for you - after years of struggling to get along with my ex we are now communicating well for the sake of my DD and I see him often due to school pick ups etc. There are however absolutely no romantic feelings there between either of us - he has moved on and so have I.

No matter how much I have tried to reassure my current bf that that is the case he is so jealous. It has got to the point where one night while I was asleep in bed he turned up at my house because he thought I might be in bed with someone as I told him I wanted to get an early night! He has also looked through my drawer and counted how many condoms I have...I know this is bad and shows a big lack of respect. There are also a few other things that have happened but all in general linked to his insecurities e.g. questioning about what time I am going where, mishearing me speak and thinking I said my ex's name etc.

Aside from this, he is a really lovely guy and we both seem to want the same things in life. We get on well and he is very supportive of my studies and helps out a lot where he can. he even met my family recently and they really liked him.

But, I can see this is not right, it's controlling and not good in the early stages of a relationship. He has said he is sorry, is going to therapy, wants to change this behaviour etc. But honest opinions please, am I mad to carry on with this?

I feel guilty if I end it, as he really does want to change and is making an effort. But I have my DD to consider too.

Not sure if this is relevant but he has ADHD and I have made some allowances for this with his impulsive behaviour.

Your opinions would be really appreciated as my head and heart are at war the moment.

Thank you. x

Hopefully this post has given you the strength and resolve to do what you KNOW you must do, and that is to leave this guy.
You could probably be swamped by women who have horrific stories to tell of their relationships with an abusive partner. Sadly, many of them no longer have a voice as they were murdered by their abusive partner/ex partner.
After just 5 months he should be on his absolute best 'behaviour' but already there is a huge red flag flying.
Don't think about remaining friends; he would never be able to cope with you dating other guys, it would be a nightmare.
On many fronts he may well be a nice guy but he has huge problems. They are his problems, don't make them yours too. Get out now.
Simply say that it's not working out and walk away and think yourself very lucky that this relationship was short and you are free.

Just a thought. In your defence of bringing him into your Dd's life too soon, you mention you met him through a mutual friend. Would this be one of the friends who thought his behaviour wasn't all that bad, that you should "give him another chance"?

If so, you may need to re-think your friends roster. You have a lot of healing to do, and a DD to protect. Having friends with those poor boundaries and standards is not going to be helpful to either of these aims.

I have a couple of friends and acquaintances like you, who just cannot let go of the terrible people in their lives.

It's so frustrating to see, as that behaviour is good for nobody: not you, not them.

You aren't wiser, or kinder, or stronger, or safe from loneliness, if you hang on to terrible people: you're just an enabler, and possibly a chump.

They aren't positively transformed by your loyalty: they just get to keep on being terrible.

RiceCrispie makes a good point. And in my experience anyone choosing to stay with an abusive/jealous man had better reconcile herself to losing family and friends. Even those who love you and have been friends for ages will gradually withdraw, fed up with your self-defeating choices. Once kids are grown they may withdraw as well. It's a recipe for a very lonely and isolated life.

That so many women choose it is baffling.

Inky I think you have been given a hard time by others on this thread. I do understand why they have given you a hard time. It's because like me, these are women who have been in abusive relationships and have been through a process of discovery about themselves and their relationships and the patterns of abusive behaviour and how to get away from these men and how they self sabotage and the reasoning behind their self sabotage. I know because I am one of these women. As part of this process they have become passionate about protecting themselves and others from controlling and emotional abusive people. That's the place that all the advice comes from. But I think sometimes we all need to remember that it is a process and everyone is making their own journey to self awareness and that we can support, empathise and advise but ultimately a person has the right to express their thoughts and feelings on here without being criticised quite so harshly. After all, we have all been through it haven't we? And at the core of it is a deep deep belief that we are not worth being treated well. And we are fighting that belief. Let's treat each other well. Take care how you express your opinions to others who have been damaged like you have been damaged. Inky thanks for your comments to me. I think if you follow your instincts and you make your own decisions about what's best for you and your DD then you will be on the right path.