jealous bf - advise please!

[inkypinky123]

Hi, I think I'm looking for some advise, words of support if possible regarding my relationship. Please try and be nice!

after 4 years single following an abusive relationship with my daughter's father , I finally felt ready to start seeing someone again. met current bf through a mutual friend and starting seeing each other around 5 months ago.

I'll try and get as straight to the point as possible for you - after years of struggling to get along with my ex we are now communicating well for the sake of my DD and I see him often due to school pick ups etc. There are however absolutely no romantic feelings there between either of us - he has moved on and so have I.

No matter how much I have tried to reassure my current bf that that is the case he is so jealous. It has got to the point where one night while I was asleep in bed he turned up at my house because he thought I might be in bed with someone as I told him I wanted to get an early night! He has also looked through my drawer and counted how many condoms I have...I know this is bad and shows a big lack of respect. There are also a few other things that have happened but all in general linked to his insecurities e.g. questioning about what time I am going where, mishearing me speak and thinking I said my ex's name etc.

Aside from this, he is a really lovely guy and we both seem to want the same things in life. We get on well and he is very supportive of my studies and helps out a lot where he can. he even met my family recently and they really liked him.

But, I can see this is not right, it's controlling and not good in the early stages of a relationship. He has said he is sorry, is going to therapy, wants to change this behaviour etc. But honest opinions please, am I mad to carry on with this?

I feel guilty if I end it, as he really does want to change and is making an effort. But I have my DD to consider too.

Not sure if this is relevant but he has ADHD and I have made some allowances for this with his impulsive behaviour.

Your opinions would be really appreciated as my head and heart are at war the moment.

Thank you. x

Actually I think your reading material and your therapy has been good - you've recognised that this behaviour is intolerable nice and early The turning up at your home is so, so wrong! Well done, don't tolerate this for another moment - he's trouble (understatement obviously)

I know people are trying to be helpful but I don't think this is something to make light of.

This is a man that has turned up at OP's home in the middle of the night, I assume whilst her daughter was sleeping, and started to rifle through draws counting condoms.

My DH has daily contact with his ex and they meet up very occasionally (both relating to their DC). I wouldn't dream of acting like your bf has.

Your last sentence says it all...

Oh I had one like this, turning up at my house to check up on me, pretending to be in the area, checking times and who was going where and when and why, hated me going out.

And yes he was nasty when I finished it.

You know what you have to do but be adamant about it because he will try to win you round then It will be emotional blackmail.

Yeah I had one like this too. My mate found him perched atop the porch roof, trying to look in my bedroom window one night around 9pm when I had gone to bed early. He must have been trying to see what I was up to in there!!

Run and don't look back OP.

OP, I have a good friend who is 53 and has turned into a shadow of her former jolly self due to her controlling husband. She normally works from home and he tracks her every move. A month or two ago she (the breadwinner, he "retired" at age 48) had to attend a work meeting an hour's drive away. Due to an accident-related traffic jam she was two hours getting home -- he was calling and texting her every five minutes demanding to know where she was, he went into a tirade when she arrived home, throwing things and terrifying the dogs. He insinuated she somehow stopped on the way home to have an affair!

She is obese and due to his accusations has even stopped trying to be minimally well groomed beyond short mannish grey hair, no makeup or jewelry, cheap pull-on trousers and blouses - lest he accuse her of trying to seduce the random man. She has no history of infidelity, was not promiscuous when single (they married when she was nearly 40) and has pretty much ZERO interest in sex with anyone, including him.

He controls meals, friendships, spending, has alienated her siblings, neighbors, co-workers with his paranoia and selfishness. (He does not have dementia or diagnosed mental illness btw, he's just an asshole mainly) -- it sickens me to see how cowed and miserable she is compared to how she was in her 20s and 30s.

My point is, this personality trait raging insecurity that leads to jealousy, suspicion and paranoia does NOT go away, it gets worse. Nothing you can do will quell the outlandish fears no matter how much he promises to get counseling, etc. Why would you tie yourself to someone with this defect, especially with a child to consider? Her welfare should be your first priority.

And if someone were creeping around in my house counting condoms, I'd toss him out without a backward glance. Making his neurosis an excuse to invade your privacy is a dealbreaker!

Aside from this, he is a really lovely guy

If you ever find yourself saying this about a guy then he's probably not a really good guy. There should be no 'aside from this' ynless 'this' is an annoying laugh or tendency to leave his socks on the bedroom floor

Never see red flags and give benefit of the doubt - that's why they are called red flags.

You are officially in another abusive relationship. If you don't end this today, you will be one day further in, needing at least one extra day to recover from the damage he is doing to you and your dc.

Your friends and family should be behind you all the way, if they aren't then they need to be shoved far away from your life too. A true friend will want to see you happy.

End it now, and call the police at the first sign of him not taking no for an answer. Seriously.

am I mad to carry on with this

You know you are and no-one here weill tell you any different, but I have some concern that he may turn into an obsessive stalker when you end it.

Tell him it's over in a dispassionate manner. Say that, after considerable reflection and with great sadness, you have decided you are not ready for a committed relationship with him and that you intend to focus your energies on your studies and your dd.

When pressed, and he will press you, explain that you have found his jealousy as unacceptable as it is overbearing and this aspect of his personality has served to persuade you that you cannot find lasting happiness with a man who does not trust you implicitly.

Don't be drawn into any protracted discussion and move quickly on to thanking him for the good times you've had. Say that you'll always think fondly of him and wish him well for the future.

I would suggest that you conduct this converstion over the phone but, as it's probable this may cause him to hotfoot it round to your place, imo you're best advised to hold it in a public place preferably with a gf or 2 discreetly on hand to accompany you home (or to a bar) after you've broken the news.

If he should show any sign of not respecting your decision, please don't hesitate to call the police as stalkers are best warned off before they get into their stride.

oh gosh, some awful stories on here of people who have been through similar, i'm so sorry. I am going to speak to a friend later and she lives close so if anything kicks off she could look out for me. i am a bit scared really.

obsidian your comment made me laugh but is very true and a useful thing to remember, thank you.

not usually superstitious at all but noticed my horoscope today, really weird...

"You've put up with shoddy treatment for long enough. Now it's time to cut ties with a partner who is unworthy of your love. When you've tried to leave the past in the past, your amour laid a terrible guilt trip on you. Now you know what to expect. The best course of action may be to leave without warning. You're tired of trying to justify your decision to an unreasonable person. Their desire to maintain your union isn't rooted in love. It's grounded in possession. You deserve better."

I respectfully disagree with the advice from goddess,

explanations and meeting in public would give someone of this nature far too much opportunity to put the OP under pressure.

This man has already gone way past what is acceptable.

You've heard it here and you've read it in the stars, inky.

Don't give him any time to get his blandishments in order warning and cut those ties NOW while the planets are aligned in your favour

Bearing in mind that I've advised the OP to offer 'explanation' only if he presses her, what alternative do you suggest, sonnyson?

Do you consider that it would be a good idea for the OP to tell him while they're alone in her or his home?

If you read my previous posts I've already answered that.

and then you wouldn't come out with nonsense such as your last line.

Sorry OP. I have a good relationship with DSs dad, as in we text each other any good photos of DS about once a month if we are doing something special with him, we go to hospital appointments together and we chat at the door about DS and make allowances for each other for change in contact arrangements, in fact, I've even leant his dad an old phone of mine when his broke.

DP has said to me regularly how relieved he was when he found out that me and DSs dad are on good terms, as he wouldn't want to be in the middle of arguments, he also is polite and chatty with DSs dad when he comes round.

I can deal with low level jealousy as long as it isn't stopping me doing anything, but if anyone was making my relationship with DSs dad an issue, and in turn affecting my DS, I would run for the hills.

DP has said he would find it hard if we lived in each other's pockets and talked all the time and were a bit 'too' close, but in everyone's eyes we have a sort of business relationship so to speak, we are communicating to raise our DS together and that is all.

If it's the same with your ex then your BF is being a dick and isn't mature enough for a relationship where children are involved

Can I ask why some think she isn't ready to date yet?

she realised some thing was wrong, got validate and is dumping him.

Just because he didn't show he's true colours on the first date doesn't mean she isn't ready for a relationship. Her twat radar is working and she's listening to it. I'd say that's good enough reason to date if she wants to.

Aside from that op. Your right he will only get worse. Dump him by text and look after yourself x

Have you read the thread and the OP's posts wondering?

It's really quite obvious, introducing a someone you barely know to your child that is very jealous of said child's father after only a few months and then said person coming into your home in the middle of the night to count condoms whilst accusing you of cheating, is not what I would describe as dating.

Also, the trying to convince herself that apart from all that 'he's a good guy and having sympathy for him as it must be hard knowing that she has a child with an ex' means that OP's boundaries are far from strong.

It is not a criticism to imply that someone is not ready to date, the OP has acknowledged this them self.

herself, I mean.

She is in fear of him.

I would also say that if it is this bad after 5 short months, the OP has probably failed to pay attention to, ignored or minimised many other warning signs.

I've read your posts at 15:31:19, 16:14:51,16:43:18 and at 16:38:19 where you advise the OP to end the relationship 'by text' despite being of the view that this will cause him to turn up at her home, sonnyson.

A text, or series thereof to accomodate all that needs to be said, will act as a red rag to a bull to a man such as this, whereas telling him face to face in a dispassionate and determined manner in a public place may enable the OP to convince him that she will not change her mind and it would be a pointless exercise for him to persist in pursuing her.

I'd disagree,

the man has shown he has no regard for OP or her daughters boundaries, he will turn up at her home regardless. Which is why she needs to inform the police 101 to describe his previous behaviour and then text him making it clear that she does not want any further contact from him.

It's called evidence and this is serious as she is rightly scared due to his previous.

Again, he has shown he will turn up unannounced previously. She needs to inform friends, family and 101.

Arranging to meet in town with undercover friends in the vicinity is, I see where you are coming from, ultimately pointless.

The OP can't even convince this guy that she is not cheating on him with her ex for the duration of the relationship, how do you think she will be able to convince him the relationship is over.

One cannot appeal to someone's better nature when it is non existent. She needs to have any further conversation recorded and the only way of doing that is to text and be prepared for any likely reaction.

It's not a question of the OP appealing to his non-existent "better nature"; it's a matter of her ending a relationship of 5 months' duration in a non-confrontational, non-provocative, and adult manner.

If he makes a nuisance of himself afterwards the OP will be best advised to call the police.

I agree, it is a matter of her ending this in a non-confrontational, non-provocative and adult manner.

This man, in her own words, makes the OP feel afraid. Why would you advise someone to meet up. I can understand suggesting a phone call, but if he reacts badly there is no evidence.

All that, after considerable reflection, with great sadness stuff would just give this man the opportunity to convince the OP that she has made a mistake.

I really don't understand what it is about, having friend or family support present, calling the police on 101 explaining his behaviour, that she is texting to end it and is fearful of a response due to said previous behaviour, therefore having support and evidence in place is so hard for you to grasp.

The OP is fearful of ending it, was trying to convince herself that he's actually a 'good man' only a couple of hours ago.

Can you not see that her esteem is low, boundaries weak and that she is vulnerable.

I'm trying to offer simple, practical and safe advice which comes from having experience of death threats in the past and having it sorted very quickly via the police rapidly. It helped having text evidence. I was shit scared. It is wrong to advice meeting up in person with someone like this.

Run, run, run for the hills.
This is just the beginning. I stayed with a bloke like this for 6 years. More fool me.

ADHD is no excuse, it doesn't give him the right to make you miserable.

If it's early days and he's getting you out of bed to make sure you're alone, you need to walk away (I see from up thread that it seems you're going to.) It would only get worse with time.

I'd wish him well with his counselling, but explain you have a child, and you can't take the risk of bringing someone potentially volatile into her life. After that, don't give him an inch. Block his number, and if he tries to harass you call the police, don't make excuses for him.