jealous bf - advise please!

[inkypinky123]

Hi, I think I'm looking for some advise, words of support if possible regarding my relationship. Please try and be nice!

after 4 years single following an abusive relationship with my daughter's father , I finally felt ready to start seeing someone again. met current bf through a mutual friend and starting seeing each other around 5 months ago.

I'll try and get as straight to the point as possible for you - after years of struggling to get along with my ex we are now communicating well for the sake of my DD and I see him often due to school pick ups etc. There are however absolutely no romantic feelings there between either of us - he has moved on and so have I.

No matter how much I have tried to reassure my current bf that that is the case he is so jealous. It has got to the point where one night while I was asleep in bed he turned up at my house because he thought I might be in bed with someone as I told him I wanted to get an early night! He has also looked through my drawer and counted how many condoms I have...I know this is bad and shows a big lack of respect. There are also a few other things that have happened but all in general linked to his insecurities e.g. questioning about what time I am going where, mishearing me speak and thinking I said my ex's name etc.

Aside from this, he is a really lovely guy and we both seem to want the same things in life. We get on well and he is very supportive of my studies and helps out a lot where he can. he even met my family recently and they really liked him.

But, I can see this is not right, it's controlling and not good in the early stages of a relationship. He has said he is sorry, is going to therapy, wants to change this behaviour etc. But honest opinions please, am I mad to carry on with this?

I feel guilty if I end it, as he really does want to change and is making an effort. But I have my DD to consider too.

Not sure if this is relevant but he has ADHD and I have made some allowances for this with his impulsive behaviour.

Your opinions would be really appreciated as my head and heart are at war the moment.

Thank you. x

thank you all again for your help. I can see from both points of view re- either texting or meeting.

He ended up messaging me just saying from the bottom of the heart he is so sorry and if we are not together anymore then he understands. I spoke to him after this, and we managed to have a really good chat. he said he didn't want it to be that way but he understood and is going to continue to seek help. I said I was very sad (which I am) as I had hoped for things to be different but didn't feel that the relationship was healthy for either of us and I had to think about the affect on my DD. I may get slated for this but said I would like to continue to be friends (which I do feel I would like to) but we may both need some good amount of space until that is possible.

part of me does agree that perhaps I'm not quite strong enough for a relationship yet, but to be fair, I have ended this now and it's not so easy to just end a relationship at the first sign of a red flag.

Thank you all for your input it has been such a help in making my decision clearer. mumsnet is fab.

I not going to 'slate' you but the remaining friends is worrying.

Why on earth would you wish to remain friends with someone that has behaved in this way.

You have known him for a mere 5 months.

If he suddenly understands how harmful his behaviour is, he wouldn't have done it.

I am lost as to why you would think a friendship with someone like this would ever be a good idea.

Honest question, do you feel as though you are a bad person for ending this short and unhealthy relationship and by saying that you wish to become friends makes it easier on you conscience?

I find it highly unlikely that he will magic himself into someone that has healthy boundaries without massive jealously issues. That kind of work takes a lot of serious work with a therapist and a lot of time. His issues are going to be deep rooted in his subconscious make up.

I really think you should let this one just fade away now. There is no positive foundation for a friendship here.

Take time out for you and your daughter. If your therapist thought you were not in a good place for therapy, something I don't personally agree with, then you certainly aren't in the right place to be in a relationship and certainly not one as unhealthy as this one has been.

I wish you well.

I'd add that, I would very much doubt from what you have written that this is the first red flag.

I ignored some of the biggest brightest red flags going, I did see them, we all do but I then chose to ignore them.

I'm getting to the reasons why in therapy now and it has taken a long time to face up to them.

The gift of fear is a book that may interest you.

The remain friends could cause you trouble. Don't contact him or answer calls.

There is no need to keep him in your life. He adds nothing, only stress.

He is abusive. Trust me. You realised something wasn't right and you asked here. All is not lost, your instincts did Work, they tried to tell you something wasn't right, you just need to trust them a little more, and lean on those who have shown you they are supportive

Come back here and ask, but please phase this guy right out of your life.

You need to see him as an enemy in waiting. If this is what he is like 5 months in, imagine how he'll be when he has his feet well and truly under the table???

I'm glad you are splitting from him. That behaviour is Sooo unacceptable...

keep a far distance for a long long time op.

i had a rs like this, i also split up with him at a similar time scale to what you've done because i knew it was getting ridiculous.
and we remained friends.
and we ended up getting back together.
and i married him.
and it lasted 10 years.
and i ended the marriage after we had had a child and after so much crying and begging and trying to make him believe that i was faithful to him, so much manipulation and just ridiculous situations that helped no-one.

my ex is a nice man with a dreadful problem with jealousy and entitlement. it did turn abusive and was a horrible experience for all of us.

someone with jealousy problems NEEDS to NOT be in a romantic relationship. it only brings misery for everyone.

keep your distance, as long as you are around, he has no hope of addressing his problems, i guarantee you he'll only end up focusing on you/winning you back.. instead of dealin with his problems properly.

you can't help him.
by being in his life you can only make it worse for him, tbh.

You know something? I'm not going to slate you for the "just friends" thing. I think you're going to find that's unsustainable (and I'd like to believe you didn't really mean it, that it was just a "break up platitude"), and you do run the risk that he's not going to believe you've really broken it off, but you sounded very measured and mature.

By all means, bolt the doors and keep your mobile handy tonight, but you've done well, overall.

Friends?
Are you crazy?

FRIENDS DON'T TREAT EACH OTHER LIKE THIS

OP, listen to the posters here, particularly TheStamp.

Just because a man can behave well in certain situations doesn't mean he has conquered his issues.

The husband of the friend I mentioned above, who is so suspicious and abusive of her - you would NEVER know it if you met him in a social setting. He can be kind, funny, amusing and courtly. And he's very intelligent and well-spoken. But there is something broken in him, permanently, and it has blighted her life to a tragic level.

It sounds as though you have eased out of the relationship in a workable way but don't kid yourself or be lulled into a false trust of him.

I don't think you need to be friends.

Why don't you give it a few months (6 or more) and then see how you feel?

I am confident

Please leave this now. It won't get better, and it will be harder to disentangle yourself as time goes on. He sounds exactly like my ex (in fact, if his name is David then it could be him ) and it took a long time before I was fully free of him.

yeah, I think you are right, staying friends does make me feel less guilty but it is also just how I am, I do want to be friends. I don't like the thought of just never seeing someone again who you have shared special times with. I'm not denying that the relationship was unhealthy and at times he was unpleasant to me. However I don't believe that people are all bad and I care about him and want to see him happy no matter what so for him to know he has my support and friendship may be very helpful on his journey through therapy etc.

thank you for the book recommendation, I will look it up.

No, please listen. You are putting your child at risk by doing this. If that doesn't wake you up I don't know what else will.

Special times, such as being woken in the middle of the night to have your property searched and a condom count to see if you had sex with someone else, with your child at home?

You need to concentrate on you and your therapy, you can not save him.

Most people are not all bad, if they were it would be easy to spot the ones that turn out to be very damaged, abusive and bad for us.

The cycle of relationships you are having will continue, most likely for the rest of your life. It doesn't matter if it has been 4 years since your last relationship. You are simply picking up from where you left off.

You are worth more than this. So much more. And just as important is your daughter. This will have a negative effect on her.

You are worth more than this. You just need to find the courage to seek help in order to rediscover that self worth.

Your desire to stay friends and to see the good in him is a sign that you are unhealthily codependent. It's really not a good idea. He's not a healthy person to have in your life.

I give it a week before he's guilted you into giving the relationship another try. You need to put some distance between you so that you can work out why you ignored very large red flags and ploughed on into another unhealthy relationship.

You have a desire to rescue but you aren't rescuing the one person you actually can - yourself.

But you are not friends to start with - you were in a relationship but you ended it because he did not trust you and was starting to show signs of abusive behaviour. That is not friendship.

staying friends does make me feel less guilty but it is also just how I am

yes, and people with issues like him, are looking for people like this ^. he's an alcoholic and you're the booze. as long as you're around, he'll make sure he uses you (focusing on winning you back, and then focusing on controlling you) so he can completely avoid his real problems.

do you understand that by remaining friends, you are literally making sure that he never deals with his issues?

not saying that you are responsible for his recovery (only he can choose to work on this) but i am saying that unless you remove yourself out of his life, he LITERALLY has NO chance.

is it more important for you to feel good about yourself, that you would ensure he can never get better? just so you can feel like a good person?

i'm not saying he's a bad person. i'm saying he's got serious problems. problems like his can lead to him beating or killing someone. that's how out of control it gets. please understand that I HAVE BEEN THERE.

you don't want to end up where i am. you don't want this man to end up like my stbxh. my stbxh has been crippled by his issues of jealousy, suspicion and insecurity... and you know what? if i had been strong enough to not "be friends" after we broke up when he was 22, he might have had a chance to actually BE HAPPY today.

instead i got 10 y of believing that i would save him from himself eventually...
really i should have packed in my messiah complex and my need to please and i should have done right by both of us... and left him properly, so that he'd have had a chance.

I do have to say I don't think the condom count was in the middle of the night when he turned up was it OP? Only that's getting repeated a lot and I'm not sure it's right, I think they happened separately?

Either way, you are absolutely right to end it OP and I do not think this man is a good person to be friends with, he won't feel differently about you just because you split therefore he will still be jealous and possessive and act that way as a 'friend' also.

Read what thestamp says. She's spot on. By staying in his life you are feeding his need to control and obsess about you. It's not kind or helpful at all. If he's serious about getting therapy and wanting to change he has to be cold turkey from relationships while he does it, not remaining half friends with an ex he was obsessed with having control over.

All much of the same though, and I very much doubt that these are a few isolated incidents over a 5 month period.

In my experience it was my ex wife that tried to make me jealous, gas lighting mindfuckry.

I don't believe the OP has been doing this for one second.

It's good you've spotted and acted on this. It's a real demonstration of progress. But you still feel like the bad guy for calling him out on it so there is some way to go. Be proud that you've been able to do what you've done.
If you want to be friends then that's OK as long as he can handle you actively dating. I bet he can't though. How long before you get texts or comments on your behaviour? Reasonable behaviour that he will be watching and judging?
You do need to draw a line, make it clear and be strong.

change the locks and cut all contact. You know this man will go from bad to worse. Show your dd a good example by living without a man until a decent one comes along. What kind of men does she have to compare to so she can tell what a good man is like.

Staying friends gives him an 'in' to wheedle his way into your life again.
Controlling people always look for an excuse to do that.

Don't let your good heart entrap you. Be consistently unavailable.

He'll back with you in no time if you stay friends. Please don't.