jealous bf - advise please!

[inkypinky123]

Hi, I think I'm looking for some advise, words of support if possible regarding my relationship. Please try and be nice!

after 4 years single following an abusive relationship with my daughter's father , I finally felt ready to start seeing someone again. met current bf through a mutual friend and starting seeing each other around 5 months ago.

I'll try and get as straight to the point as possible for you - after years of struggling to get along with my ex we are now communicating well for the sake of my DD and I see him often due to school pick ups etc. There are however absolutely no romantic feelings there between either of us - he has moved on and so have I.

No matter how much I have tried to reassure my current bf that that is the case he is so jealous. It has got to the point where one night while I was asleep in bed he turned up at my house because he thought I might be in bed with someone as I told him I wanted to get an early night! He has also looked through my drawer and counted how many condoms I have...I know this is bad and shows a big lack of respect. There are also a few other things that have happened but all in general linked to his insecurities e.g. questioning about what time I am going where, mishearing me speak and thinking I said my ex's name etc.

Aside from this, he is a really lovely guy and we both seem to want the same things in life. We get on well and he is very supportive of my studies and helps out a lot where he can. he even met my family recently and they really liked him.

But, I can see this is not right, it's controlling and not good in the early stages of a relationship. He has said he is sorry, is going to therapy, wants to change this behaviour etc. But honest opinions please, am I mad to carry on with this?

I feel guilty if I end it, as he really does want to change and is making an effort. But I have my DD to consider too.

Not sure if this is relevant but he has ADHD and I have made some allowances for this with his impulsive behaviour.

Your opinions would be really appreciated as my head and heart are at war the moment.

Thank you. x

Maybe he really -is- trying, inky. But I'm afraid that if you two stayed together, it would not be good for you. You have good reason to be intimidated by his outrageous behaviour and that is enough.

If he is insistent on staying friends, would it be manageable if you say "we need time to cool off from each other. Get back in contact as a friend (only a friend) in six months, but lets have a clean break til then to clear the air"

It can buy you time and clarity for you to decide if you want any sort of friendship (personally I dont think it's a good idea, not after what he did, but you have to make your own decision!)

If he does not respect that 6 months for -any- reason - then you know it was all a lie and he fundamentally can't respect your boundaries.

He will think that he can wheedle is way back in if you stay in contact.
He will probably find any excuse to contact you, and you'll feel like you have to respond, because you said you wanted to stay 'friends'.

You are actually doing him a disservice by staying in contact as it may give him hope you will change your mind.

Five months is nothing. Do yourself, your child and him a favour and cut all contact.

Well done on spotting it so early but next time, keep them out of your home life and Childs life until you know them better.

That six month idea is brilliant and ties in all with what you said to him about friends but not yet.

Ties in well, that should say.

If he's jealous when he 'has' you I dread to think how he'll be after you've binned him.

Friends, you say? I love chatting with friends, telling them what I've been up to, who I've bumped into etc. The moment this 'friend' gets wind that you've so much as had a cup of tea with the plumber it'll be mindfuck time again.

You can't be friends. It absolutely will not work. The only reason for people who have met and bonded through sex special times to see each other again is to have further sex special times.

He knows this.

As I said, I thought I would be slated for the staying friends thing. You may be right, it might have been best to just cut all ties but personally I don't have bad feelings towards him, if anything I feel terribly sorry for him as this side to his personality is so damaging and it must be awful to be that insecure. Not saying I will be his best friend, but 6 months idea is a good suggestion, there definitely needs to be some space, then we can see how we feel from there.

Some people have commented that introducing my DD to him 'this early' was not a good move however the reality of dating as a single parent is far from ideal. I too thought that when I started seeing someone they wouldn't meet my DD for ages but when it came down to it first of all, they had already met as we knew each other through friends, then there is the practicality of seeing someone when you rarely have time away from your children. As much as possible in the first few weeks I saw him on my own but there were times when my DD had to be there (I live hundreds of miles from family). It is also very hard to hide a relationship from your kids, they are so intuitive, even from a young age. I tried to tell her he was just my friend but she could do see it was different from that, once I explained he was my bf she seemed to be fine with it and has even noticed me upset the last couple of days and asked why. Kids witnessing their parents have breakups etc is an important part of their education about relationships and shielding from it is not necessarily of any benefit to them - IMO anyway!

I do really appreciate your opinions though and they are things I am thinking over.

Inky - I'm a lone parent and I date and I call bullshit on your last post. You have a duty to keep partners away from kids until you are very sure of them however tricky it is! I bet it's harder when you have a partner who is possessive and doesn't like you out of his sight?!

It's also not at all good for kids to witness their parents break ups. That's an interesting piece of mental gymnastics! It's our job to protect them from the I,pact of break ups as far as possible. Sure, a year down the line there may be a break up, but a few months in, you're still checking him out and that should be done before your child gets involved IMO.

I'm curious what impulsive behaviour you made allowances for.

yeah lots of excuses and denial in your posts op.

it's irresponsible for you to maintain friendship with this man. but you don't seem able to accept that, i assume you're more concerned with feeling like the "good guy" than you are doing the right thing...?

you introduced an abusive man into your dd's life and home, after only knowing him for a few weeks?
that is a massive error on your part.
now you want to stay friends with him? so... you want to keep making the same error? sounds great...

"there were times when dd had to be there" i mean really... no... there were times that you wanted to see him, while you were caring for your daughter, but instead of having a talk with yourself "no, it's too early, i need to really get to know him, it'll be a long time before dd meets him", you just were like "fuck it, i'll just invite him round, who cares if he's actually a psychopath, dd will have to take it as a learning experience"... really? you don't see how selfish that is?

poor boundaries all over the place here. i hope you wake up a bit, for dd's sake if not your own.

If you can, please follow the thread started by thestamp. She really knows what she is talking about.

And I agree that you have very poor boundaries. Why is it more important to "feel" like a good friend than to "be" a good and protective mother to your daughter? How can you even stand to have this man around her, even as a "friend"? You really need to look at your own behaviour. Because if you continue to date but are this poor in your judgement, and you still want to be "friends" with men you have allowed to enter your daughter's life far too quickly then broken up with, you are going to have a hell of a lot of "friends" for your DD to get used to.

Sorry to sound so harsh, but you really do not need to be friends with this man. At all.

I had already met him months prior to dating through our mutual friend and put my faith in my friend that he was not a 'psychopath' as otherwise they would have said something. My DD had also already met him at a social event. the first few weeks I only saw him without my daughter. I'm not sure how much difference it would have made if I waited 6 months or a year to introduce them really. I recognise the situation was not ideal but I know I have not acted irresponsibly, my DD's wellbeing is always my priority, precisely why I have decided to end the relationship. I've tried my best.

P.S. I've been single for the vast majority of my DD's life so infact do not have a lot of ex's as friends. My example to my daughter is that you may have relationships that end but it doesn't mean you have to hate and be unkind to each other, it shows maturity and respect. I have demonstrated this to her through trying hard to get along with her own father and it is so evident how healthy that is for her to see.

Are you really comparing her father with this man you have been with for 5 months??? Of course you should have an amicable relationship with her father if that is possible, but why does that mean you have to be friends with a man who has displayed such worrying qualities, and with whom you have absolutely no ties of any kind? You can be kind to him in your thoughts etc but why does he have to be in your life at all???

Because life isn't black and white, which I recognise can appear that way on mumsnet without the full picture. There are some people I have had relationships with in the past who I am really not bothered about seeing again, wish them well but we are no longer in contact. however other people I have bonded with I do feel are worth maintaining a friendship with, please note I said I will meet up with him after some space and see how we both feel, that does not mean we will definitely have a friendship but at the moment would like to if possible in the future. I don't believe labelling people as abusers or whatever is useful, everyone has issues, doesn't mean we have to put up with them but if we are able to forgive them that is only a good thing. I have only provided a small amount of information about my now ex bf on here but I know he is not a bad person, just troubled.

life isn't black and white

No, but it's a fuck of a lot clearer than you are implying.

If you wait longer to introduce your daughter to boyfriends, you are more likely to weed out the useless/dangerous/unpleasant/annoying ones before she even had to know they exist. That is a Good Thing.
If you introduce her to every boyfriend, she is likely to see a number of men come and go out of her life, given the statistic likelihood that most relationships won't end in lifelong commitment or marriage.

"Can't really trust myself to trust anyone again". Yes OP I can relate to this. I felt ashamed that after ending an abusive relationship and doing freedom programme and reading Lundy Bancroft that I could still get into a relationship with another abusive twat. And was in denial about what a twat he really was. Most of my friends boyfriends appear to be abusive twats too. I have totally lost faith in men generally. I am so disappointed by them and wonder quite how they have all turned out like this. I have boys and the thought that they may turn out to be like the men I have known chills me to the bone. Where are the good non-abusive men. Do they even exist?

I can see that you have made a decision already and that you have been mostly supported by other MN posters.

I just wanted to say that it is possible to find a wonderful man that doesn't give two flying f**ks wether you are friends with your child's dad.
I split up with my daughters father when she was 1. We were young and he was very controlling but at the time I didn't see it. He would go out all the time and I was made to do all the work of looking after our baby and keeping the house tidy etc by myself. Amongst other things.
I ended it and spent a while just me and my daughter. The relationship with her father was less than amicable. I would barely talk to him when dropping off my daughter. Give him his due he did see her often.

Anyway. I met a man who is now my fiancé. We all grew up and I am now very good friends with my ex. He has a new partner and we all go out together. He even pops round for tea sometimes when my fiancé is out. We are very much still part of each other's family, I pop round to his nan and grandads often just to say hi. There are no feelings there anymore and my fiancé accepts this and is fine with us being friends. And subsequently my ex is fine with my fiancé to be a parent to my daughter.

I just wanted you to know that there are people out there that accept that everyone has a past and there are people that you can trust and that trust you.

I wish u all the best xxx

I don't think that you should be friends with the man that thinks it's ok to check up on you.

You didn't do anything wrong.

I'm not sure how much difference it would have made if I waited 6 months or a year to introduce them really.

Given that you're breaking up with him 5 months in, is it really so hard to spot the difference between the two scenarios?

My example to my daughter is that you may have relationships that end but it doesn't mean you have to hate and be unkind to each other, it shows maturity and respect.

Needing to stay friends with and be kind to exes, regardless of what kind of person they are and how they have shown themselves to behave, is not a sign of maturity in relationships. Quite the opposite. It is all about needing to be liked and thought well of and avoid feeling guilt above all else; it is nothing to do with respecting the other person and being an adult.

fluffybrain thank you for posting, I'm sorry you've had a bad experience too. Unfortunately can't provide you with much reassurance, I feel the same, I'm really not sure about men anymore, i'm shocked that after 4 years I am back where I was before :( . I would have loved to have more kids and be in a normal functioning relationship one day but may have to face up to the fact it may never happen. However, I am sure you are doing a great job bringing your boys up and that will make such a difference.

Alyselisabeth
thank you for your words of support. your story rang true with my experience too, broke up with DD's dad when she was 10 months and for a long time communication was impossible, we were also young when we had her. time has gone on and thank god I feel the past is finally behind us. He was abusive to me, but I forgive him, doesn't mean I'll ever forget but we had to make it work for my DD. Some people find it hard to believe I can have anything to do with him but I'm happy for my DD she has a relationship with her dad and that's what is important. I really wanted what you are describing, to be able to hang out with each other with no awkwardness and support each other as a family. I guess that is just too much for some to cope with. Happy for you though that it has turned out well.

I didn't come on here to argue, I did want your opinions and that is what you have given me, so even if I don't agree with them, I am taking them on board and contemplating. I would like to say though that as much as possible I am just trying to be compassionate , and you may be right, part of that might be to let him be totally free of me. Sometimes only time can tell how it may pan out. I also need to be compassionate towards myself and not beat myself up for the decisions I have made. I am trying to do the right thing and I've been through a tough time. I love mumsnet and do really value your input but sometimes a little compassion on here wouldn't go amiss.

I am just trying to be compassionate

You sound really nice

I was once angsting on here about dumping a dreadful boyfriend, worried I'd ruin his life... I genuinely felt bad about his feelings. However, it was pointed out to me a. He didn't care about my feelings so much when he was being an arsehole and b. I'm really so awesome not seeing me would actually ruin someone's life?!

This helped me see sense, DTB, and despite thinking the 'being friends' idea was a lovely ideal I've never seen him again and it's no loss for either of us.

Inkypinky
I just wanted to show you it is possible to have that. And you will it's just finding the right person.
Don't let people get to you, you sound like a lovely person and you must do what is right for you and your daughter, even if that may not be the same as somebody else.

Wishing you luck xxx

"However I don't believe that people are all bad and I care about him and want to see him happy no matter what so for him to know he has my support and friendship may be very helpful on his journey through therapy etc".

I put it to you that you were targeted by this man and he also does not want your support or help either. What support realistically can you give him, what makes you think he wants your support in the first place?.

There is nothing wrong with being compassionate at all but you have been used and you have allowed that to happen.

I would work on your own very real issues of co-dependency; you love to be loved and want to be wanted. Someone taught you to be codependent; probably one or other of your parents. This is as much about getting your own needs met as anything else. He is not and has never been your project to rescue and or save. Do you still not realise that you cannot act as either a rescuer or saviour in any relationship?.

Been following this thread and am glad you have ended things with this twunt.

I dont think you should stay friends with him either. However the reason you told him this is probably down to good old social conditioning.

As women we are expected to be polite caring nurturers. Women are told that they are the ones who hold a relationship together. Women are told that they are the ones who hold a family together.

Im guessing you told him you would like to remain friends to soften the blow of the break up partly because women are expected to be polite and put up and shut up.

Hi OP, glad things have ended but echo the calls not to stay friends. It may have been a useful out at the time of the actual break-up (seeming not so final) but from now on you don't have an obligation to honour that.

I know you feel sorry for him and compassion etc., but don't you see that him working out his issues or having what he wants requires the erasing of another person's confidence, values, beliefs? He is so empty he can't find fulfillment in himself, but only from controlling another person. It's kind of like someone wiping muddy shoes on a mat over and over until the shoes are clean (but the mat is destroyed). Why do you feel an obligation to allow yourself to be diminished in this manner so a twunt like him can feel better about himself?

Forget about being friends, use the time to look into co-dependence, boundaries. Great you recognised the signs and took action after 5 months that's progress. But you still have underlying traits that will make you vulnerable to him, or someone like him, again. You need therapy to help unearth and understands these patterns and traits.

Good luck.