Today I go to court for the 2nd divorce hearing to face my severely abusive, manipulative, coercive, controlling stbxh. I feel quite sick. His behaviour has been appalling. This is the man to whom I lost my entire personality for over 20yrs, who told me what clothes to wear, who stopped me working, who never went out with me, who told me what roads to drive down, who wouldn't even let me do the food shop, who was so severely controlling one of our dcs had a catastrophic breakdown & ended up in hospital. Now I'm almost free but I'm in crisis at having to face him again. It took such an enormous amount of help for me to open my eyes & escape. I have fantasies of throwing myself off tall buildings rather than face any more, I can't cope. Learning to be myself again after all this time is a massive adjustment. I don't know whether to go into court as a lioness or a mouse. I have nothing in the world, no family bar my own dc's, everything we owned is in his sole name, the settlement will have to be prized from his death-grip. The whole thing makes me feel sick.