Today I face my abuser in court.

[deadrat]

Today I go to court for the 2nd divorce hearing to face my severely abusive, manipulative, coercive, controlling stbxh. I feel quite sick. His behaviour has been appalling. This is the man to whom I lost my entire personality for over 20yrs, who told me what clothes to wear, who stopped me working, who never went out with me, who told me what roads to drive down, who wouldn't even let me do the food shop, who was so severely controlling one of our dcs had a catastrophic breakdown & ended up in hospital. Now I'm almost free but I'm in crisis at having to face him again. It took such an enormous amount of help for me to open my eyes & escape. I have fantasies of throwing myself off tall buildings rather than face any more, I can't cope. Learning to be myself again after all this time is a massive adjustment. I don't know whether to go into court as a lioness or a mouse. I have nothing in the world, no family bar my own dc's, everything we owned is in his sole name, the settlement will have to be prized from his death-grip. The whole thing makes me feel sick.

[pocketsaviour]

Pond that's an amazing song

[NettleTea]

If you are who I think you are, then its been a long time coming and I am 100% glad you have seen it through - such a long way travelled since you first posted.
If you are not that person, then the sentiment remains the same - you did it!! You are awesome!!

[Whatevva]

Every time you smile at something, take a photo and make it into a montage, to go round the Decree absolute

[PrimalLass]

I've been wondering how you were getting on.

Onwards and upwards.

[AcrossthePond55]

Ha! And put it in a lovely golden rococo-styled frame?

Some of the lyrics aren't truly apropos because it's really a man singing about a pal who tried to move in on his wife, but I thought you'd like the 'general sentiment' of this and there are at least two verses you can sing at the top of your voice:

[deadrat]

Beginning to remove the mental axe from my back thanks. Nothing in the rest of my life can ever be that bad again. I'm exhausted though, look shagged. Starting to have tiny glimpses of what freedom might look like. It will take 2 months to enact the terms of the divorce. Total freedom comes in January. I've decided when my Absolute comes through, I'm going to make a little artwork out of it. Frame it as a picture but only after I've added a flowery border with hearts & stars & pictures of kittens & stuff Maybe stick a lovely plush bow on the frame!

[BastardGoDarkly]

You feeling any better love?

[deadrat]

Thank you math for those, I'll definately look them up

[mathanxiety]

Deadrat, you are right. This hurdle was the last you have to cross.

Here you are with your future wide open in many ways. You are left standing. You are free. Even if that means 'nothing left to lose' right now, you are still free, and you do not have to go back to the dark days of being under his thumb.

Please don't let 'those thoughts' get the better of you. If you have any access to counselling to deal with the emotions associated with all of this (by which I mean the trauma of the courts and the divorce process) please do that.

There are a few books you might like to look at:

especially -- 'Healing the Trauma of Domestic Violence: A Workbook for Women' (New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook) by Mari McCaig MSW andEdward S. Kubany PhD ABPP


'Psychopath Free (Expanded Edition): Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships With Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People Paperback' by Jackson MacKenzie.

The Survivor's Quest: Recovery After Encountering Evil

'Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence--From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror' by Judith Herman

'Surviving Domestic Violence: Voices of Women Who Broke Free' by Elaine Weiss

[AcrossthePond55]

You can do this, my friend.

[Djelibeyb]

You are a lioness. Stay strong.

[Homely1]

You're a star

[Silverstones]

Dear OP

My thoughts and sympathies are with you. I'm about to go into this process myself.

I don't know if what I can say will be of any help, but I'd like to share some of the practical legal advice that's been generously shared with me by friends who are lawyers.

They told me from the start to be aware that I would not be happy with the financial settlement. That's because we want the financial settlement to represent the suffering and hopelessness of an abusive relationship, and there's no way that it can do that.

The financial settlement isn't to and never could repay all you've lost and suffered. It's so you can go forwards with your children into your new lives.

One of my friends (a barrister and judge specialising in this area) said that he knows that a reasonable settlement was reached when both parties are unhappy - because there is no way that they can ever make both parties happy as a result of a financial settlement.

A judge's decision is just that one judge's decision, on one particular day, shaped by his / her own prejudices and beliefs. It doesn't represent anything about what you deserve, what an arsehole your exH was, what he deserves in life, or anything like that. They will allocate you what they feel you need to get your life back up and running.

You've DONE the hardest bits, you really have. And I say that as one who knows how hard it is, and how hard it is to keep going.

You've done it so far - you can keep going now! Your rich and wonderful life with your children is about to begin.

[CakeMountain]

Well done OP. You are amazing & you will be fine

[Whatevva]

All it goes to prove is that he's a very damaged, manipulative, sadist & I did very well to find it in me to successfully leave him

Very definitely 'yes'

Every little step is a victory. I take my hat off to you.

[Suddenlyseymour]

Well i think you are schamazing so there. Yesterday sounds so unspeakably horrendous and traumatic. But it was yesterday. You have already moved forward without him, even though you may not feel like it

[BastardGoDarkly]

deadrat that's spectacularly unfair. HOWEVER, you will be OK, he will be a lonely bitter old bastard, and you will go from strength to strength with your dc happily and healthily in your life.

I'm sorry he got away with the financials, he hasn't got you though has he? Hooray!

[BringMeTea]

I am so sorry deadrat. It sounds utterly shit. Do you have anyone you can call on for support? And it IS a major achievement to have left him. Don't underestimate your strength and your worth.

[deadrat]

What happened is I fled the courtroom in tears to the closest pub to get rat-faced as fast as possible only for my legal team (bless them) to hunt me down A glass of red had instant effect on my empty stomach. I feel like I've been through violent financial rape & I can say that with authority having been violently raped in real life. It was just the same. I have already been crying today. I have no idea how to support myself moving forward. With no family & special needs dc's it's going to be very hard. I am staggered at my personal outcome after such a long marriage but I have to accept the judges opinion. There is no other way. My ex remains a very wealthy secure man. I hope that that is now the deepest cut over with & that some how I'll find it in me to be able to rebuild my life. My ex pulled some unspeakable stunts in the courtroom. Some were roundly slapped down but others he got away with. All it goes to prove is that he's a very damaged, manipulative, sadist & I did very well to find it in me to successfully leave him. Nothing in the rest of my life can be as hard as yesterday. Today I've been having really bad thoughts, the sort of thoughts you shouldn't entertain when you have dependent dcs to care for. I hope the pain passes quickly. I've been clawing myself along by my fingertips these last few weeks.

[Sunnybitch]

Hope your ok op

[Groovee]

What happened OP?

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

I eondered, that, too, Sansoora.

But, you know, anybody who can type out "annihilated" after a few bevvies deserves snaps!

[AcrossthePond55]

I don't know what happened, OP, but remember that you're still 'here'. You're living and breathing. You have children who love you, people who care about you. You may not have gotten what you wanted, but you are still one step closer to being rid of him.

Take care of yourself. Update if you feel like it. We'll be here.

[Sansoora]

Eight or so hours passed between the OP's first post and her last one. I suspect the OP was maybe looking at things through the bottom of a well deserved glass or two by the time of her last post.