dh says he's unhappy but doesn't know why

[mapmyface]

About two months ago dh started to become distant, I noticed it straight away as were usually very loving and have a great relationship.
He's become withdrawn, snappy with me and the kids and sex has gone from twice a week to nothing. He hardly speaks to me, other than something to do with the kids or childcare.

I've asked him outright what's wrong, he denies anything is wrong just says he's sad.
I've asked him to go to the doctors, he refuses.
I've asked him if he wants to leave and have abit of space so he can figure out what makes him happy. He says he doesn't want to do this.

I'm at my wits end, it's making me so unhappy and sad and the atmosphere in the house is awful.
We've been together 13 years (married for 8) and were in our early thirties. We have three young children and both work hard to make ends meet, but we don't go without a thing.

Wise mumsnetters, what shall I do? I feel like i can't carry on like this but I have no idea what the solution is

I don't get the job thing. Why would they have access to his medical records unless he's agreed to it. If they are funny about mental illness then they are breaking the law. Are the an equal opportunities employer?

Honestly I'd get some legal advice about separating and start moving this along

I don't get this attitude?
If he's ill he'll need support and help, threats of separation won't help.
Or should all partners of ill people leave or chuck them out?

I know you said you can't afford private counselling, but when DH went through similar, I found someone who specialised in work-related stress management (this was DH's source of worry).

It only took 3/4 sessions, you could do fortnightly perhaps? Definitely worth a try if you can stretch yourself for a couple of months. Plus nothing on his records.

Sounds like classic male depression to me and I know a fair bit about it. My ex had severe depression and I have belonged for years to a support group for women who went through life with a depressed partner and what you describe is typical.

Listless
Hopeless
Uncommunicate
Off his food
Going to the gym a lot
Unhappy with no explanation why
Off sex
Snappy

This is classic male depression. GPs actually tend to not know very much about hidden symptoms but the wife can often be the target for the worst of it. It is very typical for depressed me to act fine in front of everyone else! They can;t keep the mask up at home.

The danger here is that he will now know he is depressed, so he will be assigning blame in his mind and perhaps thinking he doesn;t love you anymore or his marriage is the problem.

you need to get your knowledge up and tackle this.

Start with buying the book "Depression Fallout" and read it cover to cover so you know what you're dealing with. Next visit the onlien forum for that to get some support. Also advise a website called "The storied Mind" if you can google that and you will be struck by the familiar story!!!

Once you understand what you are dealing with you have to get DH to understand. He will be unable to separate his depressed feelings from his real feelings and the numbeness will be very real for him. His "false" reality from the depression is actually his truth right now. Dangerous terratory.

I would also suggest if he won't see the GP that you buy a book called "Undoing depression". Thre are 12 things in that book you can do to get rid of it and believe me they really work. He might be against it because depressed people are hopeless and negative but you have to INSIST.

30 minutes walk a day, plenty of sleep, healthy food, vitamin supplements, massage, mindfulness, lightbox (can buy online) etc. etc. and all of hese things can massively help.

Also, he will feel exhausted. Temporarily give him a break from routine tasks if you can. This is not letting him take the piss...it;s caring for him as if he had his leg broken.

Depression becomes a fight against your own mind!

Thank you amazonejane, some really great ideas there

He could go to a private GP and use a false name.

Hustle - what? You say *Getting together young, having a family and not having enough to enjoy life is something I would hate to do. He probably wants some fun and to have a laugh. That may be wanting to chat to other women, drive a great car or just go out and get pissed.

It probably has very little to do with you. Let him have some fun.*

So what is the OP meant to do in the meantime??

If he has a life and death job, then his depression is relevant surely, and hiding it is irresponsible.

If he does actually have a depressive illness he owes it to the patients he treats to get himself diagnosed and treated.

Get him to gp. Gp has tools like depression questionnaire. Can refer on or offer treatment. You need the diagnosis....

This issue of his medical records - the thing is if he is depressed (and I think he is) and suffer from this debilitating illness myself, he absolutely needs to see the GP, especially as he works in the emergency services, as he could be putting himself or someone else at risk. The other thing is that mental health is now part of the Disability Discrimination Act and so it is unlawful to discriminate against someone on the grounds of their mental health. Depression isn't some dark secret - 1 in 4 people will suffer at some point in their lives.

Re-assure him about these things OP and insist on going to the GP. Make the appointment and don't take No for an answer. Tell him you are worried that he could be putting someone's life at risk, and threaten him that you will tell his boss that he isn't well. You don't have to do it but it might just work.

Incidentally what's he like with the children? Have they noticed anything - are they of an age to talk to you about their dad.

I agree that your weight is totally irrelevant. 1 stone extra would barely be noticeable in most people. I've increased by 2.5 stone since DH first met me (nothing I'm proud of, btw!) but it hasn't affected how he feels about me.

I'm not saying your DH can "snap out of" this situation, and anyone who thinks I was suggesting that was misreading my post - but he has to take responsibility and DO something. It's totally unfair on the rest of the family to let his mood dribble on and on, blighting the family home atmosphere, just because he doesn't want to see a GP, counsellor, whatever.

IF depression in his line of work is common, as it sounds, then SURELY there are people at work who are there to deal with this - occupational health type people. Again, I GET that it could affect his prospects of promotion, but he's not going to be able to continue to hide this fully if it carries on and on, and refusal to acknowledge and deal with a problem is hardly likely to encourage his prospects of promotion at work either.

And yes, male depression at this age can have pretty severe consequences if left to carry on and on. So he needs to work out what he IS going to do about it. Sounds like AmazonJane has some pretty sound advice, and the book she mentions would be great for you both to read, I would imagine (if you can get him to do so, of course).

I totally understand your frustration with the situation - it's not so much that he IS ill but his refusal to acknowledge or do anything ABOUT being ill that sucks. ANd that's only assuming that he actually does have depression, not anything else.