dh says he's unhappy but doesn't know why

[mapmyface]

About two months ago dh started to become distant, I noticed it straight away as were usually very loving and have a great relationship.
He's become withdrawn, snappy with me and the kids and sex has gone from twice a week to nothing. He hardly speaks to me, other than something to do with the kids or childcare.

I've asked him outright what's wrong, he denies anything is wrong just says he's sad.
I've asked him to go to the doctors, he refuses.
I've asked him if he wants to leave and have abit of space so he can figure out what makes him happy. He says he doesn't want to do this.

I'm at my wits end, it's making me so unhappy and sad and the atmosphere in the house is awful.
We've been together 13 years (married for 8) and were in our early thirties. We have three young children and both work hard to make ends meet, but we don't go without a thing.

Wise mumsnetters, what shall I do? I feel like i can't carry on like this but I have no idea what the solution is

Your DH may not know himself what's going on, or it might be stressful for him to try to explain what lies behind this change in attitude towards you.

Just wondered - he is reluctant to go to the doctor, you have three DCs, I wonder before he became distant and stopped having sex were you discussing his role regarding birth control ie the possibility of vasectomy? Some men fear that their libido will lessen or they'll somehow be 'less of a man'.

He owes it to you to try and explain what's going on rather than leave you in the dark.

We talked last night, or I did anyway.

He point blank refuses to go the gp (I know it could affect his job opportunities in the future if this was on his medical records. It's the type of life and death job where it could stop him progressing into other departments)
He says he's not prepared to go despite us being like we are and him making us miserable.

I asked how long it was going to go on for and if this was going to be long term or short term were going to end up growing apart and asked him what he thought of that.
He acknowledged this was a possibility but didn't have any answers.

I said I wanted him to go in that case and give us some space, he refused. Says he has nowhere to go.

I spent the evening upstairs and he had a go at me asking why I wouldn't sit with him. I told him I didn't want to sit with him as the atmosphere is so uncomfortable. He didn't seem to get it.

This morning were back to one word answers

Donkey- no discussion about contraception. We're already sorted in that in that respect

Oh dear, well you will have to have another conversation spelling it out then. If he won't go to the GP then you will be going to a solicitor, and then he will have a whole new set of problems won't he?
Life is too short to live like this OP - you really don't have to tolerate all this unhappiness.

Is it a midlife crisis type of thing where he feels trapped by family life, that this is it, it won't get any better, he is on a treadmill.

Can you go away for a few days, leave him in charge, he seems to get to behave as he wants with no comeback.

Do you go out with friends and to the gym, ignore the family, do as you please OP? I feel that men are able to think they can leave or do as they please because the home and DCs are their wives responsibility and it will all be taken care of regardless of what they do. A wakeup call is due. Let him see that he has responsibilities and his DCs love him and need him and, whatever he does, will not disappear into thin air leaving him to behave as he wants. You are no doubt stepping in at the moment op to cover for his lack of interest.

Whether the cause is medical, financial, work-stress or emotional the important thing is to keep talking to each other. You have told him to his face his rejection is affecting the relationship but he is not willing to go to the GP or seek counselling. In that case you're going to start looking at making changes.

Dear me, isn't he being selfish.
Having something "like this" on his medical records might affect his future job prospects, eh - well what does he think being "like this" is likely to do to them? Especially as you're quite possibly going to give him the heave-ho if he doesn't do something to sort out the problem!

He's not thinking it through logically. He's refused to leave because he's nowhere to go - has he never heard of B&Bs? If I were you I would try and leave for a while, since he won't - give him the "space" to decide whether or not he prefers being on his own (since that's a possible outcome if he doesn't get a grip soon and DEAL with his, by either seeing a GP or finding another way out of it - he can't just expect to carry on being like this and upsetting everyone else without something having to give!)

the OP has explained that she thinks it could impact on his work prospects if it is on his records - given that he is currently able to keep up appearances at work then his position is not wholly irrational and may not even be all about himself/selfish.

The comments on this thread suggest that his behaviour is similar to that experienced by others on MN and that has produced several theories: he might be depressed, he might just be down, he might be having an affair.

OP what I would say is that IF he is depressed firstly, him going to the GP, throw him out, or both of you do nothing are not the only choices. And if he is clinically depressed, your hard line will do no good and may put him at risk. He can't just snap out of it. Him wanting you to sit with him does not suggest to me a man who is having an affair and can't wait to get you out of the room like all the dickheads on so many MN threads!

I understand that you are angry with him - of course you are. But if you think this could be depression I think you need to do some research into depression and see if you can get him to discuss it. There are websites, books, apps ... There are people here on MN with lots of relevant experience and good advice on coping strategies.

Does he have nice parents or brothers or sisters or friends you could talk to? Or have you got a friend in RL you can discuss this with?

Mid life crisis written all over it IMO.

Would he consider counselling?

Refusal to do anything is shit.

Would it be a midlife crisis if he's in his early thirties?

There's info about this on the NHS website which suggests 35 onwards.

There's quite a lot of good info there.

Also take a look at Moodgym website.

Can you afford private counselling? It sounds like depression to me, and I couldn't get dh to go and see anyone, whatever I tried. Keeping on at him to try things to get better has slowly had a little effect. Not sure I've got any pearls of wisdom but I sympathise, it's hard.

Can't afford private counselling sadly.

I asked him today, why he wouldn't move out to give us some space. He said he has already said he will try and be happier.
I asked if the situation was the other way round and it was me who said I was unhappy, would he want to be with me.
He said he didn't know.
I said I don't know why you can't understand where I'm coming from then, just having to wait and carry on like everything is normal until you can be happy again.
He just shrugged his shoulders.
I asked why we weren't having sex.
He replied we haven't been in the same bed for ages due to work.

This is a lie as we've been in bed together most nights for the past two weeks.

I know I should try and be patient and understanding if he is depressed, but wouldn't it just be easier for him to admit he was depressed other than risk the marriage and his family?

Honestly I feel like just changing the locks when he's at work tomorrow

Sorry for the spelling and lack of grammar. I've hit the gin

He just pissing me off tbf. And I'm not even involved.

Sometimes counseling is an essential expense. Meaning forgoing holidays, treats, even car. T his is one of those times. You can get it cut-price - contact BACP and click 'find a therapist' to see whose in your area; see who you like the look of, contact them, ask about sliding fee scale: answers yes or no, they're not offended to be asked. How much could you realistically afford PW?

Plus it's off the radar and won't impact on his record.

He sounds very disengaged.

Two choices really - wait it out and hope it passes or force him to the GP by way of an ultimatum.

Pretty good for someone who's hit the gin

I have to agree that saying he wanted you near does sound less like OW in the picture but whatever, you're doing a great job persisting to try and get to the bottom of it. I agree that there are other avenues you could suggest, if it's specifically medical attention he's avoiding. But I'm still withthumbs that his intransigence cannot continue to make you this miserable.

Does he have any non-work close friends. I know DH would be embarrassed if i asked one of his friends if they could help/had any insights ,but if you don't have any other way in. ..

Ps yes, we went as far as to pause a mortgage payment once to i could continue being treated, it was a priorty for us and stopped me running away or harming myself

I'm aware I'm very probably projecting, so I'm not going to go into too much detail, suffice to say that this is spookily similar to the situation I was in a few years ago.

I would advise not letting this drag on (sounds like you're not!) and keeping your eyes open for anything which feels off. Does he have a close friend you could maybe chat to?

Counselling for you both, individually, may be a really good idea too.

It's impossible for you to second guess the reasons. You can only work with what he gives you. he says it's 'only' that he feels sad. You can legitimately say that in itself is enough to be cause for concern.

If he won't go to the GP ask if he'd consider working on some mood improving material via self help. There's the Mood Gym online which helps with CBT. there are also loads of pretty good quality midlife crisis sites which help you identify the cause of dissatisfaction and put a plan in place to get happier. So often a loving spouse gets the blame for being the source of unhappiness when the real source is dissatisfaction with self.

You have every right to be frank about how this is affecting you (depressed people, if it is depression, do need to be reminded that their behaviour affects those around them - I speak as someone who gets depressed and is often shocked when DH tells me how I'm behaving as I've no idea until he mentions it.) But it may help, for now, to be gentler and more supportive, just to ensure it doesn't turn into lock down.

if he says he's just very unhappy, say that his happiness is very important to you, that you think he deserves to be happier than he currently is and you want to help. Go through the different areas of his life, asking how happy he is in each of them. Ask him what an ideal version of his work life/home life/sex life etc would be and how he can get closer to that ideal. He needs to work on this stuff and if he won't go to the GP he really needs to work on himself.

What's his occupation op? And what are the genders of the DC?Unfortunately, there is a wealth of research to show that men are far more likely to be unhappy and leave the family home if his offspring are solely female.

He works in the emergency services, which I know is notoriously stressful. But he loves his job, like really loves it. Always has done.

We have a mix of dc's so not all girls.

I really can't imagine him going for the counselling but it's something I will suggest.

He doesn't even reply to me half the time when I'm talking. I feel like an idiot repeating myself.

I'm becoming quite anxious at the whole situation, I hate not knowing things and I feel like he's kind of liking the control he has.

One thing I forgot to mention, is I'm probably the heaviest I've ever been. I'm not fat by any means, but prob a stone overweight at the moment.
I don't know if that is affecting how he feels about me, I daren't ask

He doesn't have any close friends out of work, he's just not bothered by the whole friendship thing. He is close to his colleagues but I could never go and speak to them.

Is there anything else I could say to him?

Is there anything else I could say to him?

I would suggest you write it all down. Put it all down in black and white, leave nothing out. Reassure him obviously but spell out that his actions will have reactions. If he's clinically depressed it is an illness nothing to be ashamed about. Of his job don't like that he's I'll then he should seek other employment because that's pathetic. Do they frown on someone with a cold? Arthritis? Stubbed toe? Course not.
I always suggest writing things down, I believe it to be cthrtic in itself and a great way to organise thoughts etc.
Then hand him the letter, tell him to read it and that you will wait for his response.

I don't see what you're weight has to do with it? It certainly wouldn't concern me but I'm not your OH.

Be careful not to let this be your fault. A stones nothing to worry about.

Honestly I'd get some legal advice about separating and start moving this along. You don't need to go straight to do divorce but his current behavior is flooring your morale.

How long does he expect you to put up with this?