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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

dh says he's unhappy but doesn't know why

111 replies

mapmyface · 13/11/2015 21:56

About two months ago dh started to become distant, I noticed it straight away as were usually very loving and have a great relationship.
He's become withdrawn, snappy with me and the kids and sex has gone from twice a week to nothing. He hardly speaks to me, other than something to do with the kids or childcare.

I've asked him outright what's wrong, he denies anything is wrong just says he's sad.
I've asked him to go to the doctors, he refuses.
I've asked him if he wants to leave and have abit of space so he can figure out what makes him happy. He says he doesn't want to do this.

I'm at my wits end, it's making me so unhappy and sad and the atmosphere in the house is awful.
We've been together 13 years (married for 8) and were in our early thirties. We have three young children and both work hard to make ends meet, but we don't go without a thing.

Wise mumsnetters, what shall I do? I feel like i can't carry on like this but I have no idea what the solution is

OP posts:

MummaGiles · 14/11/2015 08:49

Do you think he might be worried about money but not telling you? It sounds like depression to me, having seen it in my own DH. He could be quite up and down depending on what we were doing/who we were with. He lost his appetite and didn't really want to do anything. He would bat down all suggestions and became very withdrawn. It is really tough to see in someone you love.

mintoil · 14/11/2015 09:23

Oh I do not like the sound of this. He is eating less and going to the gym a lot, but refuses to exercise with you OP? Has he lost a lot of weight? Has he been buffing up in other ways? Hair, better clothes?

He doesn't want to spend money on his children?

He is absolutely fine when at work and with his colleagues socially?

He treats you with disdain?

Plays Disney Husband with your family?

No, this is sounding less like depression and more like wanker territory, sorry

Helmetbymidnight · 14/11/2015 09:24

It really doesn't sound like depression to me. Unless depression means having a good time with everyone except your wife.

Chiconbelge · 14/11/2015 09:28

What's happening at work? Is there something going on there that you know about (stress, bullying, been given something he can't actually do and he's failing at? Possible redundancies?. Or could there be something at work you don't know about? I agree with other posters - if it's depression he may be able to switch on the facade for others - which means he's under even more pressure all the time he's not at home. It's horrible and as I and others have said, it doesn't turn people into someone it is easy to sympathise with or care for. We managed - it was hard but Now we are in a good place and if it starts up DH has coping strategies. The first step was to name it.

AmyC86 · 14/11/2015 09:28

He has depression. People can mask their symptoms for others but that would of drained him of so much energy. Get him to the doctors.

Sorry to be so blunt. But the biggest killer of men under 50 is suicide.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/11/2015 09:29

Oh I don't know. I mean, not the disdain; but the "putting on a public face" and then letting it slip when you get back into private - that could still be due to depression or similar. Putting on a good face in public is hard work, but do-able - but it does mean there's nothing left at home, which is shit for everyone at home.

He needs to go to the doctor. If he refuses to go to the doctor, then I'd be more worried that he has something else going on that he's lying about. Does he have any money worries? Is he a secret gambler? Do you know exactly how your finances stand? Sometimes this sort of thing can come from stress because of debt, for e.g.

Or he could be physically ill and it's causing hormone changes; but he needs to see a doc to rule out anything physical and consider mental health issues as well.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/11/2015 09:29

xposted with last 2 posters.

Helmetbymidnight · 14/11/2015 09:32

Amy- I'm not sure how you've diagnosed him with such certainty.

AmyC86 · 14/11/2015 09:37

I'm a qualified mental health nurse, I see this type of situation on a daily basis. Obviously I can't be 100% certain but I am more than convinced.

The gym thing will probably the only time when DH feels 'normal' because he's doing a mechanical excerise. Also, exercise is very good to combat depression and anxiety.

maybebabybee · 14/11/2015 09:39

None of us can possibly know whether it's depression, can we? None of us know the OP's DH. Armchair psychology is dangerous.

I'm sorry this is happening OP, must be really, really hard. The problem is with mental illness (if it is depression) is that it's very hard to help someone if they won't recognise it and don't want it. I know, having been there myself. I really wouldnt take his not wanting to go to the doctor as a sign he's up to something shady - there are so many reasons you might not want to go to the GP when depressed.

I'm not saying he's not up to anything shady, but the point is we don't know. None of us know. That's the hardest thing for the OP, I should imagine.

Seeyounearertime · 14/11/2015 09:43

None of us can possibly know whether it's depression, can we? None of us know the OP's DH. Armchair psychology is dangerous.

This is true but if "Armchair Psychology" is dangerous then so is "Armchair Relationship Therapy" and a lot of posters in this thread have been claiming that too.

There isn't a definitive answer, I'm leaning towards depression simply because it sounds the most likely based on the evidence provided.

squicketysquack · 14/11/2015 09:43

I'm your husband in this scenario. Nothing wrong with my life at all but sometimes I feel so damn unhappy for reasons I can't explain and as DP lives with me he gets the worst of it. I can be fine and sociable in work or social situations, I doubt anyone I know would have the slightest idea there was anything wrong at all, but in tears the minute I'm alone (sobbing all the way to work in the car is a favourite), and then when I'm at home I just want to be left alone in silence....and I can't explain why. I know DP really struggles to understand and has said that if he didn't know better he'd think I was having an affair.

But it's just unhappiness....and I really don't know why, I don't really want to change my life in any way, and I know I'm very fortunate in a lot of ways. I'm just sad underneath it all for some totally inexplicable reason. It seems to be getting worse as I get older.

Just wondering if this is perhaps the case for your DH.

Helmetbymidnight · 14/11/2015 09:49

Mm, maybe he's depressed then- but appears quite happy not to do anything about it.

AmyC86 · 14/11/2015 09:51

Probably because he doesn't recognise that there is anything seriously wrong. Denial is a big part of MH.

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 14/11/2015 09:53

When I had depression I was pretty good at the public mask but awful at home. The public stuff was all an act. It was like a fog had descended and over time, less and less was penetrating that fog.

Would he go and talk to his GP, OP?

kerbs · 14/11/2015 09:54

My DH suffers with SAD, it usually starts in September. We just accept it now, he gets out a lot, uses a light box and we get through it. Sounds similar.

annandale · 14/11/2015 09:59

Depression can make you more likely to think that nothing can help. If you are staring into an existential abyss of blackness, the idea that a chat with a GP could help is laughable, if you could laugh. But the dull truth is, it really can help.

I'm not sure this is depression, but I would certainly say he needs to rule it out. You might have to be a pushy nagging bitch to get him to the doctor's though. One of the nasty things about MH problems in the family is it can change your role and the way you are too.

HustleRussell · 14/11/2015 10:14

I love it when people here jump to conclusions based on something they have read. "Distance dance" or not, if you are mid thirties with kids and working hard to make ends meet, I am afraid it does sound pretty miserable.

Getting together young, having a family and not having enough to enjoy life is something I would hate to do. He probably wants some fun and to have a laugh. That may be wanting to chat to other women, drive a great car or just go out and get pissed.

It probably has very little to do with you. Let him have some fun.

Mellifera · 14/11/2015 10:28

An affair won't kill him, depression can.

I would insist on going to GP with him. The signs fit. Err on the side of caution.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/11/2015 10:42

Also, if you're feeling depressed (rather than suffering from depression) it can feel like you'd be wasting the doctor's time, it's not really that bad, you're just being stupid, don't know why you can't pull yourself together - been there. I did need help, and eventually I got it - didn't need it for long, but the couple of months on mild ADs did help break the misery for me.

Helmetbymidnight · 14/11/2015 10:45

Yeah, hustle, op, let him treat you like a housekeeper, you keep working at keeping the family together so he can have some fun. Poor fella.

HustleRussell · 14/11/2015 10:50

Helmet-Did I say that or is it what you presume I am saying?

BaronessSamedi · 14/11/2015 10:56

He knows what's wrong but has made a decision not to tell you.
he's lying about that part, for sure.

i'm not sure how much patience i would have for his behaviour, to be honest. if its depression, then he owes it to his family and himself to get help.
could he move out for a while?
also - maybe start looking for evidence of an OW. i would.

Helmetbymidnight · 14/11/2015 10:58

The op is miserable at the way she's being treated. Your advice is - it probably has nothing to do with you, let him have some fun. Did I imagine that?

HustleRussell · 14/11/2015 11:06

What has that to do with your previous question? Or were you just making things up?

Is he miserable at life and is therefire affecting their relationship or is he miserable because of her? I think the former from what she said.

Hence my thoughts on a resolution.

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