dh says he's unhappy but doesn't know why

[mapmyface]

About two months ago dh started to become distant, I noticed it straight away as were usually very loving and have a great relationship.
He's become withdrawn, snappy with me and the kids and sex has gone from twice a week to nothing. He hardly speaks to me, other than something to do with the kids or childcare.

I've asked him outright what's wrong, he denies anything is wrong just says he's sad.
I've asked him to go to the doctors, he refuses.
I've asked him if he wants to leave and have abit of space so he can figure out what makes him happy. He says he doesn't want to do this.

I'm at my wits end, it's making me so unhappy and sad and the atmosphere in the house is awful.
We've been together 13 years (married for 8) and were in our early thirties. We have three young children and both work hard to make ends meet, but we don't go without a thing.

Wise mumsnetters, what shall I do? I feel like i can't carry on like this but I have no idea what the solution is

The going to the gym, the going out a bit more and only being grumpy when he gets home sounds like he could have at least met someone else although it might not be a affair. Not necessarily ruling out depression though.

Could be depression and having an affair. My DH was depressed and had an affair - it made him feel alive again, feel again, all to do with pressures of family, business, a gambling addiction, over eating etc, etc but it all led back to depression. The depression was not an excuse for the affair, he could and should have got help with the depression, but it was a reason for the affair.

Look here under Romantic Infidelity.

Hope you get some answers soon.

Depression or not he is treating OP unkindly.

She doesn't deserve being pushed passed, given dirty looks and treated like shit.

Tell him to get to the doctor or ask him to leave and sort himself out.

He has checked out of family life.

Affair or depression they deserve better treatment.

What question?

OP, he is behaving selfishly whatever the reason.

Apologies, not question but stating you think I was saying that she be his housekeeper. I didn't say that - you were just reading into something you wanted to.

Yes he is being selfish but we are after solutions here, not just stating the obvious.

Ok, so your solution is to suck it up, let him chat with other women, drive a nice care and get pissed.

My suggestion would be, if he refuses to go to the Doctor, and continues to treat you shoddily, tell him that the marriage is over. I wouldn't be interested in a relationship with someone who ignores me.

Hustlerussell- I'm quite offended by your post that I should let him go and have some fun.
We're married. Tough shit if we got together young, you don't suddenly get a pass once you turn thirty to go out and have fun.

He's not the type to go after women anyway, yes I know that seems naive. But he isn't aware of his own attractiveness and wouldn't deliberately seek out someone to fuck. I'm not saying I don't know for certain he hasn't met anyone else but it wouldn't be a passing fancy if he has.

I have asked him to go to the gp, he point blank refuses. I know having depression on his medical notes could affect his job progression in the future but I'm not sure if this is why he won't go.

Also when I said earlier that we work hard to make ends meet, we do have a good lifestyle. We have a lovely home with lovely things and an ok car. The kids are well fed and clothed. We don't have enough money to go out for a meal every week or buy big purchases without saving but I wouldn't imagine many people do.

Yep, just break things off. All a bit too easy don't you think? There is a solution to most things if you both want it. Everyone needs to let off steam and have some fun, within reason of course.

Staying at home with the family day in, day out and saving every penny is pretty miserable. It's all a balance.

So hustle you'd be happy for your dp to be out having fun whenever he felt like it, while you were at home with the kids?

Did I say that I was his keeper, that he can't go out and have fun. That I withhold spends so we can save?

I don't think so.

He has free time, he has time during the week when I'm at work and the kids are at school. I give him time when we're all at home, I'll take the kids to my parents or out for the day.
He's not 100% tied to the kids and I, every second he's not at work

Could he be taking steroids? Random but if he's been going to the gym a lot it may be a possibility?

I think hustle is taking sides OP, and it ain't yours. Ignore.

Deffo not steroids, he could be randomly drug tested at work at any time especially near to Christmas

Any other work or money worries?

What kind of job does he do where an illness could hamper his progression? I would imagine that's illegal? And how would they find out?
Is his job high pressure seeing as he could be testes for drugs at any point?

I can't suggest threatening to leave would help personally, it'd be like leaving someone who's been diagnosed with cancer. I certainly think he needs help, though I don't know what to suggest if he blankly refuses to seek it.

OP, you said in your second post that you didn't know when he would have the time for an affair, but it does sound like he gets a fair amount of free time. His behaviour towards you does sound pretty bad.

I wouldn't rule out SAD syndrome however, a lot of it fits.

He has a lot of free time, but I don't know if he has the opportunity to see anyone else.

Oh I don't know, I need to talk to him again but it's pretty hard when you only get one word answers and he insists that nothing is wrong other then he feels sad.

I think I'll get the air bed out and insists he sleeps on that until he can talk to me.

I think that's a good plan map. It's fine for someone to be down but not fine for them to check out of the relationship and treat you like shit.

All the signs of an affair are there I'm afraid. It could be combined with him feeling down about his life but I don't think it's depression.

There doesn't have to be a "reason". I agree with what both Giraffe and Woodlands have said. (There may be others - sorry if I have missed your comments.)

He could just be sad, pissed off, fed up. It could be a combination of mid-life crisis and the effect of the tedium of work and the general daily grind.

Is he in his early 40s? A lot of people (not just men) start to have that vague "is this it?" kind of feeling around then. Life up to now has been a series of progressions, but once you have met your partner and have had your family, there isn't that same sense of moving on to the "next stage" every couple of years. You start to think "this is my life now until I retire, and then I die."

It could be depression, but it certainly doesn't have to be.

I hesitate to jump to one conclusion or the other, mostly because, if he's depressed, it really won't do for him to leave it untreated.

I also was a bit cross with those who seemed to call OW in a few seconds. .but. .

He's at the gym alot
He has time on his own during the day
He's distancing himself from you
He goes out with colleagues.
This last is weirdly the kicker for me. Speaking as someone who has been depressed, I'd say if he was depressed he would maybe hold it together at work and in front of in-laws, but going for drinks after work would be a step too far.

I also think the point blank refusal to see a gp is relevant - he sounds scared of being found out. Have you experience of his attitude to other people being depressed? If he's scathing, then maybe that's why he's shut down, but if it's infidelity or hidden debts he may feel going to the gp will reveal the true problem.

If you've truly had a solid, communicative, intimate marriage all these years, and now he's spoiling for a fight, not wanting sex, short tempered with you and kids, and won't talk about it, it sounds ime as if someone or something has changed the way he sees his life.

If depression weren't so dangerous to ignore I'd go with the alternative and start getting angry. Either way I'd be saying"I've made you a doctors apt and you will go because something is happening to you".

Don't be distracted if he gets angry, cries or tries to shut you down, do everything you can to persevere.

I'm reiterating pp, but all this is also ime as i thought my dp was depressed. He wasn't.

Good luck and whatever the answer I'm sure MN will prove helpful

Hmm....the plot thickens. I am still thinking depression as it can affect people in different ways - with me I have to hide away on bad days and will only see 2 women friends, my sister and DP. But lots of women on the MH threads talk of "painting on a smile" or being the "life and soul of the party" but dying inside.

I think though he has to talk to you, it's simply not fair if he doesn't. The thing you mention about depression affecting his employment in the future if this is on his medical records- I'm not sure about that. I don't think most employers ask about medical records do they. There's a MH nurse on here (forgotten her name) but she might know. They might ask how many sick days you've taken in a 12 month period.

Really hope you can get to the bottom of this OP and I think it's time to be a bit more assertive.

Have you raised it openly with him? Opening up communication/marriage counselling might help.

The gym, going to the gym. Doesn't sound right to me.

It sounds like some thing/one has turned his head. Plus you saying you're going out of your mind - it often happens like this, then n months down the line you find out...

If it is depression then it's nevertheless unacceptable for him to be treating you badly and not doing anything about it. He can get 'stress' on his medical notes, or some other euphemism. The GP would know how to play it.

Make it a condition he goes to the gp, or you withdraw.