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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

BIG RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM HELP....

55 replies

Annait · 13/11/2015 10:38

Right here goes.... Along time ago I met my current partner( we where friends first) , and I had a good friend I fancied for years I asked him out and he rejected me coz of my kids so I wrote my anger and upset in my diary, I moved on, and started dating my current partner we moved in together I forgot about the diary and he bloody found it and read it!! Now he's feeling absolutely gutted and second best I keep telling him he's not I went with him because I wanted to not because I had no choice but he just replys I am second best because you asked him out first..... We're engaged and strong, this is just a nightmare situation I can't fix helllllp please?

OP posts:

berylbainbridge · 13/11/2015 10:41

Your current partner is being a complete idiot! He read your private diary from years ago and is now going to beat you over the head with ancient history. I bet there's more to this and he's a a-hole in other ways too.

Arkkorox · 13/11/2015 10:45

I've asked MNHQ to move your thread to relationships topic instead of here. Hopefully there will be more people who can help you over there

MNHQ

DawnMumsnet · 13/11/2015 10:53

Hi there,

We're moving this over to our Relationships topic now.

Best of luck, Annait.

RiceCrispieTreats · 13/11/2015 11:17

What an idiot. He expected you to have no romantic life whatsoever before getting together with him?

What, did he have no love interests before meeting you either?

Also, who the HELL reads someone else's diary?

YOU are the one who should be fuming, OP. Not him.

RiceCrispieTreats · 13/11/2015 11:19

Is it always all about him?

wheresthebeach · 13/11/2015 11:22

Wow. Huge violation of privacy which he's masking nicely and putting you on the defensive.

Yikes.

InTheBox · 13/11/2015 11:26

This is a massive red flag. We all have pasts and histories and he has no business firstly reading your diary and secondly using it as a stick to beat you with.

Does he think your kids fell out of the sky and you just caught them? You can't be that strong if something like this is making him view the relationship differently.

wannaBe · 13/11/2015 11:29

ok, judging from your op I can sort of see why he's upset... so:

you and he knew each other before you actually got together, and during the time you knew each other but weren't together you pursued someone else who turned you down. After the other bloke turned you down you wrote about your upset in your diary, and then you got together with your current partner, who you already knew during the time you were pursuing this other bloke.... So now your current dp has found all this out and feels that you settled for him because the other bloke turned you down?

How long was it between you being turned down by the other guy and you getting together with your current dp? Because if it wasn't very long then I can see why he might feel that at the time, you settled for him because the other guy wasn't on offer.

It's now a case of how you get past it. How long have you been together now? how is your relationship generally? and incidentally, how did you get together?

IMO the key here is that you were already friends at the time you were pursuing someone else, and that had you ended up with that other person, you and he wouldn't have got together. It's an irrational thought years down the line, but I can also see where his thought process has come from.

Finola1step · 13/11/2015 11:30

YY InTheBox.

This scenario is very teenage like.

Potatoface2 · 13/11/2015 11:32

i think it all depends on when the diary entry was written...a long time ago can be last year or ten years....and how long you have been together and did you get together straight after the other guy rejected you.....a few points to consider maybe

RiceCrispieTreats · 13/11/2015 11:32

Of course that was his thought process. AND a sane person would then check themselves and think: "Annait is allowed to have had whatever romantic yearnings she had, as have I. This is no reflection on me."

And a RESPECTFUL person would never have read his partner's diary in the first place.

And a good partner would not use his insecurity as a stick to beat the OP with.

This man is sneaky, insecure, and self-obsessed.

LeaLeander · 13/11/2015 11:34

Reading my diary would be a 100 percent deal breaker. I would not stay with someone after that so the rest of your dilemma would be moot.

TheOriginalMerylStrop · 13/11/2015 11:35

I see, as wannaBe has illustrated, his thought process that has made him upset.

However, if this causes him any more than a momentary moment of sadness at "what if" then this would be a massive red flag for me.

You have done nothing wrong. He needs to get over it.

ALaughAMinute · 13/11/2015 11:35

It happened a long time ago, tell him to grow up!

wannaBe · 13/11/2015 11:36

I don't think it's a red flag. something which needs to be worked through - definitely. but are people here really saying that if they found out that at the time they got together with their dp he was actively pursuing someone else who then turned them down you wouldn't question things? really?

I know enough people who have settled for the relationships they're in years down the line because the person they wanted to be with wasn't interested or available at the time. that doesn't mean that op has settled for her relationship, but it doesn't mean that her dp's fears aren't real either. IMO neither of them are in the wrong.

TheOriginalMerylStrop · 13/11/2015 11:42

Not if I had a life with that partner and we were in all other ways happy, no. Time is a factor. If it 6 months ago, it's different to several years.

I agree it shouldn't be left to fester. But if he holds on to this for any length of time (and the reading of her old diary does suggest existing distrust - though it could have been curiosity) that would cause me massive concern.

Joysmum · 13/11/2015 11:52

My response would be thank fuck he did turn me down as I can't believe I was so blind.

RiceCrispieTreats · 13/11/2015 11:52

WannaBe: several people on the thread have said that a momentary pang of insecurity is normal.

But being unable to process that pang and let it go? And making an issue of it to the OP? Acting like the injured party who now needs to be soothed? Yes, red flags. Very red flags.

And the reading of the diary in itself is already a dealbreaker-level breach of trust, so...

Original poster

Annait · 13/11/2015 12:05

It was curiosity that led him to the diary. He never new I had a diary so probably didn't no what it was at first. thankyou for all your replies. He is a good man tho even tho we have been together a year he's been so great. Really don't know what I'd have done without him he's been a legend. He has the right to be upset. I would be. U just want to no how to make him feel secure and not seconds. Btw there is. A age gap of 20 years but it's never been a problem x thanks girls

OP posts:

P1nkP0ppy · 13/11/2015 12:17

Very big red flag, poor diddums.
He's 20 years older than you but is behaving like a total berk.
What was he expecting - that you'd never had a partner, DCs from under the gooseberry bush and ego-smoothing on tap?

pocketsaviour · 13/11/2015 12:19

Why do you feel he has the "right" to be upset?

Unless there's some overlap in the times, EG you started dating your current partner and then asked this other guy out, then I can't see any reason in the world why he would be upset, unless he's the type of idiot who thinks women have to be Virgins or they're worthless...

So you are 20 years older than him? I suppose that would explain some of his immaturity. In which case I'd give him a few years to grow the fuck up before thinking about marrying him...

Original poster

Annait · 13/11/2015 12:26

I'm 25 he's 45. Reson I think. I understand why he's upset is because he thinks I chose him because I got rejected by other guy. Need a blank but kind way of saying get over it I love you lol

OP posts:

Original poster

Annait · 13/11/2015 12:31

Blunt not blank

OP posts:

wannaBe · 13/11/2015 12:34

ok, what were the timescales here? How long before you got together with him were you rejected by the other guy? months? weeks? days? because IMO there is some relevance there, esp as you knew each other before anyway. Had he asked you out before and you'd rejected him because you wanted the other guy?

bearing in mind you've only been together a year which isn't that long, so you're still in relative honeymoon phase hence his potential reaction that he was second best.

Be honest, did you settle for him at the time and your feelings have developed since? is that why you feel bad and unable to reassure him?

Original poster

Annait · 13/11/2015 12:40

Was about 2 months, and no I never rejected him and I didn't settle I fell in love with him I just handled it all badly

OP posts:

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