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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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BIG RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM HELP....

55 replies

Annait · 13/11/2015 10:38

Right here goes.... Along time ago I met my current partner( we where friends first) , and I had a good friend I fancied for years I asked him out and he rejected me coz of my kids so I wrote my anger and upset in my diary, I moved on, and started dating my current partner we moved in together I forgot about the diary and he bloody found it and read it!! Now he's feeling absolutely gutted and second best I keep telling him he's not I went with him because I wanted to not because I had no choice but he just replys I am second best because you asked him out first..... We're engaged and strong, this is just a nightmare situation I can't fix helllllp please? Sad

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 13/11/2015 12:45

Was going to say the same thing as WannaBe regarding timescales. You've been together a year, so did this happen a couple of years ago? How long between the rejection and you getting together with this guy.

WannaBe has got into this guy's thinking perfectly. Be honest OP, did you 'settle' for him? I have a friend who is constantly in need of a man in her life, and would basically go for anyone who shows interest in her. Have you ever had a long period with no man?

I would feel exactly the same as him. Maybe I'm just a 42 year old teenager, but I really would.

MerryMarigold · 13/11/2015 12:47

2 months isn't long to move on from someone and fall in love with someone else that you already know. What did you fall in love with about him Annait? It may be a good start to tell him those things in trying to mend things here.

Cabrinha · 13/11/2015 12:48

Oh surprise surprise he's the older one.
He's being a dick.
Shouldn't have read your diary.
Shouldn't be giving you shit.
So you fancied someone, got turned down, moved on, met him and a YEAR later he is feeling insecure?

I'm interested that you're very vocal about how wonderful he's been this year. Why have you needed support? I'm sniffing out an unhealthy and unequal dynamic here, potentially.

Annait · 13/11/2015 12:50

Got rejected started seeing him 2 months later. I didn't settle. I have had lots of long periods without a guy yes. I felt like I hit the jackpot when I got with him I wished I did it sooner I felt silly pursuing another person.

OP posts:
roundaboutthetown · 13/11/2015 12:50

Was the other guy also an older man? Or is part of the problem a paranoia about you settling for a older man because the younger one turned you down?

Annait · 13/11/2015 12:53

Doesn't matter why I needed support that's personal. He has been great tho

OP posts:
Annait · 13/11/2015 12:54

Other guy was younger. True actually he could be paranoid because he's older than me?

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Joysmum · 13/11/2015 12:55

You sound very sensible Annait

I'd have been hurt and insecure too initially if it'd been me and my DH.

If your reassurances to his initial reaction don't work THEN I'll join the red flag brigade. Until then, I too thinks it's natural short term.

Annait · 13/11/2015 12:58

Thankyou joysmum x only happens yesterday so fingers crossed

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CharlotteCollins · 13/11/2015 13:00

You seem to think you've done something wrong. You haven't. But two months is quick to move on from someone you've fancied for years. And a year in which you've needed a lot of support is quick to be getting engaged.

wannaBe · 13/11/2015 13:06

ok, so it sounds as if you are generally the kind of person who falls hard and fast. So two months previous you had feelings for someone else and actively pursued this person but were rejected, and you then wrote in your diary about your hurt feelings, and presumably about your feelings for this bloke.

Two months later you then got together with your now dp, the how is kind of irrelevant, but you were friends so already on each other's radar at that point even if only platonically. The relationship has run very quickly and just a year on you are already engaged, so another sign that you fall quite fast and your relationships develop quickly.

Now this bloke has discovered that just prior to you falling in love with him, you were in love with someone else, but they rejected you, so now you're with him, and in his mind, you've rushed into a relationship with him because the other bloke wasn't there. And in his mind he may also be questioning what would have happened if the other bloke had come back at the beginning of your relationship. Would you have gone to him? or even been conflicted?

You haven't done anything wrong but his feelings of hurt and upset aren't unjustified either.

So now what you need to do is to have an honest discussion with him. You don't have to defend your feelings for the other bloke, but explain to him what you've said here, that when you got together your thought process changed. It's all about transparency at this point. no-one wants to feel that they were second best, even more so a year down the line when they've been building a relationship and then find out something which in their mind means that the only reason their relationship exists is because the bloke you really wanted wasn't interested. Even if that's not the case you still need to talk about it.

ivykaty44 · 13/11/2015 13:13

Has your dp not ever been rejected by anyone? Never been dumped? Never made a pass at a girl/bit and been rejected...?

As if he has then you must be second best, by his own reckoning and no it isn't different

firesidechat · 13/11/2015 13:13

He is being ridiculous.

When I was about 20 I was desperate to go out with a particular man. As soon as we went on a date, I realised that I was spending more time with a male friend and that I actually preferred them to my massive crush. I ditched the boyfriend and went out with the friend soon afterwards.

My friend knew all about the other man, it never bothered him at all (he had a healthy self esteem) and we have been happily married for over 30 years now.

I suppose in my case it was me doing the rejecting, but everyone has at least one previous infatuation and only an incredibly insecure person would have a problem with that.

Annait · 13/11/2015 13:16

Clear point made wannabe thanks I'll keep it all in mind when we talk later x

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roundaboutthetown · 13/11/2015 13:23

I can't help thinking the age gap is making him feel insecure: he could be worried you are more immature than he thought and prone to teenage style infatuations that you grow out of and therefore you don't love him as much as you currently think; or, if that isn't the case that you are nevertheless on the rebound from someone else and still not clear on your true feelings, but are sheltering yourself behind an older man who may be less likely to mess you around and more likely to be flattered by your attention just while you lick your wounds... In other words, he is sounding massively insecure and if he isn't normally like that, the age difference between your previous infatuation and himself may be partly why he is quite so upset and insecure about his discovery.

roundaboutthetown · 13/11/2015 13:25

I could be talking out of my arise, though! It's just that 20 years is quite a big gap, so it may be playing on his mind.

roundaboutthetown · 13/11/2015 13:26

(arse even Grin)

Annait · 13/11/2015 13:30

Talking out your ass I'm afraid lmfao! He noes how much I love him it's just all playing on his mind x

OP posts:
roundaboutthetown · 13/11/2015 13:54

Should all blow over, then!

Annait · 13/11/2015 13:57

Afer iv had it in the ear a fue times lol.

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Shinyhappypeople9 · 13/11/2015 14:24

He either deals with it or he doesn't! He read the diary. His mistake!

Annait · 13/11/2015 15:01

True lol.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 13/11/2015 15:02

"After I've had it in the ear a few times LOL".

I'm not laughing.

I'm totally with those who can see he might reasonably be worried about you moving from falling for one to another - though a year is surely enough to judge your feelings?

But you have done NOTHING wrong.
He has - reading your diary at least, even if you're inclined to indulge the wobble.

So why are you anticipating and ACCEPTING 'getting it in the ear' and more than once???

He's allowed to express any insecurity. But you say he knows you love him. So why would he need to go back to it?

InTheBox · 13/11/2015 15:03

You do sound rather immature OP. 20 years is quite an age gap and perhaps that also plays on his mind but you cannot spend your life trying to allay his insecurities.

Cabrinha · 13/11/2015 15:04

For you to describe this as a "nightmare situation" just sounds like he's had a massive over reaction at you.

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