To think that “It won’t happen” isn’t an acceptable response to my anxiety?

[LetThereBeCupcakes]

Was going to name change for this but can’t remember my password so sod it. Might have to go undercover later. Apologies but this is going to be long.

DH and I had a massive argument yesterday. Our driveway slopes gently down towards the road. It’s not a huge incline – but enough that if you left the handbrake off the car it would roll slowly down. We have been using the driveway to store our caravan (a sore point – DH promised when he bought it 2 years ago he’d put it into storage but never did). Finally he sorted out somewhere to store it and planned to take it down yesterday afternoon. He asked me to help him move it off the driveway, so I went out with him. He couldn’t back the car up to the caravan because our neighbour had parked her (beloved, pride and joy) car directly opposite our drive. She wasn’t in so we couldn’t ask her to move it. The road isn’t very wide so it meant we had to pull the carvan down the drive, turning it as we went to avoid her car. There was about 6 inches wiggle room, so all very tight. Remember the drive is on a slope. I have hopermobility, and am generally clumsy and not very confident in my abilities (physically). I said to DH “What if I can’t hold it [the caravan] and we hit the car?” He responded “it won’t”.

DH has form for brushing any of my worries under the carpet. His way of dealing with anything is “oh, it’ll never happen”. He will never make an effort to reduce the chance of something happen / plan for a problem because he’s convinced it’ll never happen. So I said it made me feel really bad when he didn’t at least acknowledge my fears. So he said “well what do you WANT me to say?” Clearly getting annoyed with me. I thought for a bit and suggested that I would like him to make an effort to show he’s thought about what I’ve said, and made some practical suggestions. Or at least not become annoyed when I told him I was worried about something. He responded with “Fine, we’ll leave it then.” And stormed into the house, slamming doors and throwing things as he went (toddler DS sitting on the sofa and watching all the time). I followed him and and asked him to “listen for a moment” as I was going to say we can still do it I’d just like some reassurance, but he refused to speak to me. I suspect this was because actually he realised it was a risky thing to try but would never admit it.

So I sat down with DS, feeling generally shit about myself. A few minutes later I heard the door go. I knew he had to sort out his van for work so didn’t think much of it. Decided to get some fresh air so stuck DS in his buggy and took the dogs for a walk. When I got outside I saw that he’d moved the caravan alone and had taken it away. Bloody stupid. If he’d slipped he could’ve been seriously hurt (or worse) and I wouldn’t have even known he was there. Even more annoying is that he could clearly hold the weight of the caravan so presumably only wanted me to help guide it? But because he wouldn’t bloody talk to me I had no way of knowing that.

A little bit of background: Life is very stressful at the moment, my dog is dying of cancer and has to go outside to the toilet every 2-3 hours, so I’m up 3 or 4 times every night to let him out. So exhausted. We’ve just had his parents over for the weekend which is always stressful (they are lovely but DH acts like a spoilt teenager when around his family). So I’m possibly not in the best frame of mind anyway.

So this morning, he’s acting like nothing’s happened. But I’m refusing to back down on this and I want an apology. Usually when we argue I’m the one to back down. So AIBU? Or does he need to apologise?

Bugger.

I've just noticed massive scratches down the side of neighbours car that definitely weren't there on Sunday. It might be a coincidence but...

I think you know this, but you're not anxious. What you've explained are valid responses to his ideas.

The one thing that worried me most was that he wanted you to walk two strong dogs on ice when you were overdue. Why would he want you to do that? And then tell you you're being anxious when you say no. I don't get it. That's not really him being insecure. That's him being unkind.

The other things could be put down to his insecurity of you being strong and intelligent and him feeling that maybe he isn't a match to you (you're not making him feel this way though - it's his demon). However, I don't think that excuses his stroppy, aggressive behaviour.

Throwing things around when he's cross infront of your toddler is not ok. Ever. That also rings alarm bells for me.

I would say that you need to stop being kind to him and call him out on his behaviour every time. Tell him straight. If he can't agree that what he does is wrong at all and continues to blame you then he's not likely to change. Hopefully, he is not a total arse and will see throwing things, stropping, getting angry if you don't do what he wants you to do now (without any warning) are unacceptable and unkind.

Hi LTBC, you slightly outed your DH's name in a post there, we've fixed it. Hope that's what you would have wanted!

Doesn't surprise me that he's not thoughtful in other ways too.

They thing I'd ask you to consider, is where the line is between 'thoughtless' and actually being 'unkind'. Does he cross this line?

As an anxious person myself, I much prefer to be asked the right questions to come to my own conclusions than to be talked at!

thanks Helen

My exh was another one who was thoughtless and self absorbed. Tbh, I don't think he ever intended to make life difficult for me, but he only ever thought about life from his own viewpoint, and never thought how anything affected me.

He was another who didn't do the little things in life that make you feel loved and wanted. Sometimes almost as if the little things in life were too trivial for him to consider because he was Too Important.

I wouldn't fancy moving a caravan, with 6 inch wiggle room of neighbours car!! Am I'm reasonably fit with no disability. Not worth the risk! In fact, I'd go so far as to say, even without the car being there, I would worry that I might get run over! Re the dog, can you sleep him in a room with laminate or tile floors and just mop up any mess in the morning? It's not reasonable to be setting your alarm throughout the night.

This just sounds like normal relationship arguments. Time to move on and forget.

It is easy to have these sort of differences in opinion or style when approaching an everyday task together. He just needed a bit of a hand from you (probably hadn't thought through whether you were up to it or understood what he needed from you), then you wanted him to articulate something to reassure you in more detail than "it won't". Neither person is to blaim.

What you both need to work on is managing your own expectations of each other and how to resolve conflict. In my experience a bit of humour lightens the tension in situations like this. How about imagining what you could have done in a lighter way to articulate your anxiety "goodness DH, just wait until I have eaten my tin of spinach" or "Baggsie it's not me who has to tell Marjorie opposite that we have squashed her car".

beach I have thought about it, but ddog has slept in our room his whole life, he's dying of cancer, I would feel awful shutting him away from us in his final weeks. Plus, he may well bark to be let out, which would wake DS anyway.

Joy I really do think it's thoughtlessness, rather than being intentionally unkind.

Have you RTFT, SilverBirch? They are not normal, healthy arguments, at all. Unless you live your life constantly at loggerheads with people who sulk and shut you down, in which case it's normal for YOU and maybe you need to seek help with that.

Sorry to jump into your thread, cupcakes. The "little things" like lack of birthday cards and lack of kindnesses like cups of tea are so revealing. He seems quite selfish and thoughtless. It might not be intentional, but then it seems that he's never intentionally thoughtful, either.

I have HMS, too, so have had similar conversations with DH about moving heavy stuff. The difference is, if I have to point out that I don't think I can safely do what he's suggesting (he usually works that out in advance) we can then move on to thinking about how we can make something work.

Incidentally, how do you think he would respond if you casually mentioned the scratches on the neighbours' car, i as non-accusatory a manner as you could muster?

ouyvre I wouldn't dare!

Any mention of the neighbour's car would undoubtedly have him sulking, especially if it WAS him.

And now I'm even grumpier because after all this, I still can't get my sodding car on my drive! The turn is just to tight and my car is too big. I was so looking forward to not having to lug heavy shopping in from the street whilst wrangling toddler and dogs.

Sorry you're having such a time of it!

I think how he speaks and treats you is revealing. He appears dismissive and borderline gaslighting you.

Two things that really, really rang bells for me -

You are the more able academically, by some way, you're a graduate, he doesn't even have basic school qualifications (perhaps thru dyslexia)... .

Importantly, you ve minimised your qualification...(saying his is more 'useful') Is this because you've had to? He can't cope with the fact that you're so much more able..

Therefore he seeks to put you down; /characterise you as stupid/'anxious '. To make him feel better about himself.

This pattern I've seen played out many times where the mismatch in achievement is so great, and the woman has the degree... It just doesn't happen the other way around!

The thoughtlessness does speak volumes. You must feel way down on his list of priorities. (I felt with XH that he was thoughtless rather than unkind, but that he only really valued me when I could do something for him... IMO he had/has narcissistic personality disorder.)