To think that “It won’t happen” isn’t an acceptable response to my anxiety?

[LetThereBeCupcakes]

Was going to name change for this but can’t remember my password so sod it. Might have to go undercover later. Apologies but this is going to be long.

DH and I had a massive argument yesterday. Our driveway slopes gently down towards the road. It’s not a huge incline – but enough that if you left the handbrake off the car it would roll slowly down. We have been using the driveway to store our caravan (a sore point – DH promised when he bought it 2 years ago he’d put it into storage but never did). Finally he sorted out somewhere to store it and planned to take it down yesterday afternoon. He asked me to help him move it off the driveway, so I went out with him. He couldn’t back the car up to the caravan because our neighbour had parked her (beloved, pride and joy) car directly opposite our drive. She wasn’t in so we couldn’t ask her to move it. The road isn’t very wide so it meant we had to pull the carvan down the drive, turning it as we went to avoid her car. There was about 6 inches wiggle room, so all very tight. Remember the drive is on a slope. I have hopermobility, and am generally clumsy and not very confident in my abilities (physically). I said to DH “What if I can’t hold it [the caravan] and we hit the car?” He responded “it won’t”.

DH has form for brushing any of my worries under the carpet. His way of dealing with anything is “oh, it’ll never happen”. He will never make an effort to reduce the chance of something happen / plan for a problem because he’s convinced it’ll never happen. So I said it made me feel really bad when he didn’t at least acknowledge my fears. So he said “well what do you WANT me to say?” Clearly getting annoyed with me. I thought for a bit and suggested that I would like him to make an effort to show he’s thought about what I’ve said, and made some practical suggestions. Or at least not become annoyed when I told him I was worried about something. He responded with “Fine, we’ll leave it then.” And stormed into the house, slamming doors and throwing things as he went (toddler DS sitting on the sofa and watching all the time). I followed him and and asked him to “listen for a moment” as I was going to say we can still do it I’d just like some reassurance, but he refused to speak to me. I suspect this was because actually he realised it was a risky thing to try but would never admit it.

So I sat down with DS, feeling generally shit about myself. A few minutes later I heard the door go. I knew he had to sort out his van for work so didn’t think much of it. Decided to get some fresh air so stuck DS in his buggy and took the dogs for a walk. When I got outside I saw that he’d moved the caravan alone and had taken it away. Bloody stupid. If he’d slipped he could’ve been seriously hurt (or worse) and I wouldn’t have even known he was there. Even more annoying is that he could clearly hold the weight of the caravan so presumably only wanted me to help guide it? But because he wouldn’t bloody talk to me I had no way of knowing that.

A little bit of background: Life is very stressful at the moment, my dog is dying of cancer and has to go outside to the toilet every 2-3 hours, so I’m up 3 or 4 times every night to let him out. So exhausted. We’ve just had his parents over for the weekend which is always stressful (they are lovely but DH acts like a spoilt teenager when around his family). So I’m possibly not in the best frame of mind anyway.

So this morning, he’s acting like nothing’s happened. But I’m refusing to back down on this and I want an apology. Usually when we argue I’m the one to back down. So AIBU? Or does he need to apologise?

seriously the session with the vicar was back when we were getting married – as part of the wedding prep, so not an arranged “therapy” session so to speak. We are both christian but don’t practice – he wanted a church wedding as his parents DO practice and I was happy with that. Hence seeing the vicar.

enjolrass that sounds exhausting! Glad you’ve got it sorted, though.

SoMuch Yes. I will often see another way of doing something that might be better, but would never, EVER say anything because I know I’ll get accused of nagging or something. That is how his iPhone got washed.

Green the worst thing about the self-employed thing was the conversation went along the lines of Me: it’s a great idea, I think you’d be really good. But we’ve only just bought this house and wiped out all of our savings so let’s give it 6 months to build up a bit of a cushion and then go for it. We can start making some business plans and stuff in the meantime.
Him: Alright.
Next day he handed in his notice.

I'm wondering if I actually should have posted in relationships. Was only really thinking about our argument yesterday but obviously there's more background that I should have thought about!

Think I'll report and ask for it to be moved.

Cupcakes; you can separate. Houses can be sold, debts can be paid out of proceeds, new houses can be rented or bought. You do not need to be in this relationship if you do not want to be.

I'm willing to bet that it was "your fault" the iPhone got washed...

Doreen the house is in negative equity unfortunately. Not really sellable as DH has started loads of projects but not finished them, eg bathroom half ripped out, doors with no handles, bare walls etc.

I was in hospital when the iPhone got washed. My fault for not telling him to empty his pockets.

Yes. I will often see another way of doing something that might be better, but would never, EVER say anything because I know I’ll get accused of nagging or something. That is how his iPhone got washed.

But why is getting accused of nagging the worst thing that could happen? He's using this as a way of controlling you and shutting you down, but you don't have to take it to heart. You can say "You can call it nagging sunshine, I call it saving you £500. Take it or leave it." Or words to that effect. You don't have to crumple and apologise because he uses that against you.

you don't have to crumple and apologise this. Exactly this. This is why I posted. I do not want to back down and apologise this time.

lettherebecupcakes I don't think the problem is your anxiety. You are perfectly right to question things, and I think you are right to move this to relationships.

I too suffer from anxiety, and my husband sounds very like yours. I made a new friend recently, and when I had discussions with them about things, I didn't get nearly as anxious, because we had a discussion, like people should be able too. The same discussion with my husband was a disaster and made me more anxious.

So I don't think it's so much your anxiety, but more the fact you are anxious because you can't speak up.

You asked a perfectly reasonable question, and if he had replied, oh yes I just need you to guide it, it would have been fine. He was the one in the wrong with his reaction, but is putting it back on you!

It would be interested to see the response if you hadn't mentioned your anxiety, and had just mentioned hyper mobility, I bet it would have been different.

I completely understand how you feel, and am currently having CBT to help with my assertiveness. I can't leave the relationship at the moment for financial reasons.

Feel free to PM me if you need too

Oh fgs what a twit! If DP told me it was my fault for not telling him to empty his pockets, I'd say "Yes poor you, it must be hard having no hands, or a brain either." Take the piss! Do not let his preposterous attitude get to you. As for the house projects, I'm guessing what you wanted didn't count for much there either?

Why not just do the maths and check out your options and have a think. You don't have to act now, but it may help to know you are privately considering how you could separate if it comes to that. This bloke thrives on having all the power. he actually doesn't.

Yes, I can see you are "damned if you do and damned if you don't" - if you nag him it's wrong, if you don't nag him and he washes his iPhone it's wrong.

This is all sounding terribly familiar.

Ah, but GreenPotato what would your dh say if you said "Yes poor you, it must be hard having no hands, or a brain either." ?

Would he just then admit you had a point? With my ex, that sort of remark would have made him even more annoyed and stroppy. (You can see why I'm no longer with him).

Well I know, that's provocative and only works if you have that kind of dynamic anyway. I will also take the piss out of my own anxiety and we'll laugh about the worst-case scenarios I dream up, but it's good-natured.

Thing is DP wouldn't say it was my fault in the first place (he knows I'd laugh him out of town) but in the past he definitely has had more of that can't-be-in-the-wrong/won't-listen-to-advice attitude and we've had arguments about it. I have stood up to it and he has changed a lot (and I hope I have become less uptight too, but then that's easier when he's more able to be flexible).

But really, if a man says "it's your fault I washed my iphone because you didn't tell me to empty the pockets" he's making out that you're a failure, when in fact what he's saying is *I'm an incompetent twerp who can't think ahead and needs a mother figure to help me do the most basic tasks." See it for what it is, don't fall for thinking you must be in the wrong because that's the set-up he's always pushing on you. This man is clearly in the wrong on multiple things and yet he's still trying to make OP feel bad.

(btw to be clear I am not saying that it's OP's responsibility to train her OH into not being like this, or to act in a certain way or else she deserves this behaviour. She doesn't deserve it and she doesn't have to be in a relationship with someone who treats her badly, full stop. I am really just saying that it may help her to develop assertiveness and not automatically take to heart that she's "nagging" or wrong to raise a concern, just because of how he reacts.)

OP - can i suggest you take a look at a couple of books
Woman in your own right

Feel the fear

I massively second A Woman In Your Own Right, it is a fantastic book.

I don't think you were being unreasonable at all.

He didn't need to re act the way he did and he shouldn't have behaved the way he did in front of your LO.

I had arguments played out like that in front of me when I was growing up and sadly I can still remember alot of them and I'm 40 now and I still hate raised voices and conflict.

I'm so sorry about your poor Dog,we all really love animals in our home we have 3 dogs with us.We lost 2 dogs to cancer when I was growing up and it was an awful time.

With your husband acting up when his parents are around you really need to talk to him about,he's a grown man and a father himself would he like to see his child acting like that around him when they become a parent?I bet not.

YANBU at all OP.

In fact, I'm a bit that you think this may be you at fault here.

He sounds very, very impulsive. Which is fine, some people are (I'm more anxious and risk averse, like you) but he sounds like he takes all the bad outcomes out on you and that is not fine. And that you feel like you're having to tiptoe round himin case he kicks off, that's not good.

Good idea to move this to Relationships

I agree this thread might be better in Relationships.

And thanks, SimLondon for the book recommendations. I might get those myself. After just coming out of a difficult relationship (which I was in for 20 years), I'm trying to sort my own life out a bit. I have signed up for some CBT classes (starting at the end of the month), which I am hoping will help, but those books might also help with my damaged confidence.

I've reported my OP and asked for it to be moved to relationships.

LittleMiss I think you're right, I maybe shouldn't have said "anxiety". I've given a skewed idea of my MH, I think. Sorry you find yourself trapped, too.

holidays I'm so sorry you went through that. I am desperate to protect our son from this. My mother walked out when I was 12, I had to care for my father until I was in my 20s and he found a new partner and kicked me out. It's a vicious cycle, I've set myself up in the same sort of miserable relationship I saw as a child.

Thanks for the book recomendations, I will have a look.

SoMuch I'm so glad you've managed to get out. Gives me a little bit of hope.

It's just so depressing that so many of our issues could be dealt with if he'd just sodding talk to me!

Doreen the house is in negative equity unfortunately.

That is a bugger but I left a relationship where our house was in negative equity. The mortgage people would usually be more willing to have one person take over the mortgage or a deed of covenant issued to cover the loss if you need to sell.

It is possible, just more difficult.

Thanks Doreen that's interesting to know. Not sure how likely a bank would be to take either of us on individually. Our credit ratings are shot after maxing credit cards / overdrafts to try and make ends meet. Slowly paying it all off now but it's going to be about 6 years before we're debt free. No idea how long it will take the credit rating to recover.

It might be worth a conversation with them before dismissing it is all I am saying. Worst case scenario - you split, sell the house, divorce and declare yourself bankrupt and start again.

I would lose my job if I was declared bankrupt (would invalidate my security clearance).

When we get the debts under control I should be able to scrimp some money together, get the work done on the house and that should put some value on to it. Plus DS will be in school by then so I won't be paying out £££ in childcare.

Hi everyone - we're going to move this over to Relationships at the OPs request.