To think that “It won’t happen” isn’t an acceptable response to my anxiety?

[LetThereBeCupcakes]

Was going to name change for this but can’t remember my password so sod it. Might have to go undercover later. Apologies but this is going to be long.

DH and I had a massive argument yesterday. Our driveway slopes gently down towards the road. It’s not a huge incline – but enough that if you left the handbrake off the car it would roll slowly down. We have been using the driveway to store our caravan (a sore point – DH promised when he bought it 2 years ago he’d put it into storage but never did). Finally he sorted out somewhere to store it and planned to take it down yesterday afternoon. He asked me to help him move it off the driveway, so I went out with him. He couldn’t back the car up to the caravan because our neighbour had parked her (beloved, pride and joy) car directly opposite our drive. She wasn’t in so we couldn’t ask her to move it. The road isn’t very wide so it meant we had to pull the carvan down the drive, turning it as we went to avoid her car. There was about 6 inches wiggle room, so all very tight. Remember the drive is on a slope. I have hopermobility, and am generally clumsy and not very confident in my abilities (physically). I said to DH “What if I can’t hold it [the caravan] and we hit the car?” He responded “it won’t”.

DH has form for brushing any of my worries under the carpet. His way of dealing with anything is “oh, it’ll never happen”. He will never make an effort to reduce the chance of something happen / plan for a problem because he’s convinced it’ll never happen. So I said it made me feel really bad when he didn’t at least acknowledge my fears. So he said “well what do you WANT me to say?” Clearly getting annoyed with me. I thought for a bit and suggested that I would like him to make an effort to show he’s thought about what I’ve said, and made some practical suggestions. Or at least not become annoyed when I told him I was worried about something. He responded with “Fine, we’ll leave it then.” And stormed into the house, slamming doors and throwing things as he went (toddler DS sitting on the sofa and watching all the time). I followed him and and asked him to “listen for a moment” as I was going to say we can still do it I’d just like some reassurance, but he refused to speak to me. I suspect this was because actually he realised it was a risky thing to try but would never admit it.

So I sat down with DS, feeling generally shit about myself. A few minutes later I heard the door go. I knew he had to sort out his van for work so didn’t think much of it. Decided to get some fresh air so stuck DS in his buggy and took the dogs for a walk. When I got outside I saw that he’d moved the caravan alone and had taken it away. Bloody stupid. If he’d slipped he could’ve been seriously hurt (or worse) and I wouldn’t have even known he was there. Even more annoying is that he could clearly hold the weight of the caravan so presumably only wanted me to help guide it? But because he wouldn’t bloody talk to me I had no way of knowing that.

A little bit of background: Life is very stressful at the moment, my dog is dying of cancer and has to go outside to the toilet every 2-3 hours, so I’m up 3 or 4 times every night to let him out. So exhausted. We’ve just had his parents over for the weekend which is always stressful (they are lovely but DH acts like a spoilt teenager when around his family). So I’m possibly not in the best frame of mind anyway.

So this morning, he’s acting like nothing’s happened. But I’m refusing to back down on this and I want an apology. Usually when we argue I’m the one to back down. So AIBU? Or does he need to apologise?

I think my dh spends ages planning things in his head, and has a vision of how it will go. But forgets that unless he FUCKING TELLS ME I can't share his vision of how to do the job. Then when his hours of mental planning are wasted because I didn't pivot while lifting the left corner in a westerly direction after being asked to "lift that end".

I won't lay hands on things now until I have made him talk me through it, beginning to end. I also make him absolve me of any blame before we start, this focuses his mind on helping me understand the job.

YWNBU. He sounds impulsive and defensive. It's never on to flounce off and act like a baby. Also rude to not engage with your attempts to improve communication. Don't know why other posters are thinking YABU - your anxiety here seemed perfectly in moderation, given the circumstances.

dagger sounds like you’ve got it sorted! Sadly my DH doesn’t do the hours of planning before hand. The number of times he’s picked up something heavy to move, then realised it won’t fit through the gap / there’s something in the way / he can’t hold it alone and ends up dropping it whilst he stands there thinking about what to do next.

My OH is sort of the same, will try and move things without moving the things that are in the way, out of the way. Doesn't plan where it is going so gets halfway through and realises that there isn't space to put the thing he is moving down. That sort of thing.

With the caravan, I'd have said 'I'm not moving it until the car has gone' and gone indoors. I don't get the anxiety but I suppose that is from him continual and persistent rebuffing of your concerns.

You might find if he isn't there making you anxious, the anxiety starts to abate.

The more you describe him, the more he sounds like my ex, Cupcakes. Never admits he's wrong, if anything goes wrong, gets in a strop.

If we ever needed to move anything heavy, again he would just expect me to do it, shout orders, no explanation of how we were going to do it, then if I did it "wrong", shouted at me.

It was a revelation when I moved house in January, and needed to move a few items of furniture. Did it with ds (who is 14). We calmly discussed how we were going to move things first, and just did it. No cross words, no drama, nothing. It was SO EASY!

Just yesterday he was moving stuff in our garden room and I said he needed to wait until I had taken out the mower [to go collect leaves], and to move the bikes out before moving the stuff and he did it whilst I was out mowing - I say 'I can't watch' and have to leave the room as he does my head in but he got it done and all was cushty.

Thank you Cornwall that means a lot.

This is all helping, though.

Tbh OP you sound perfectly rational and your DH sounds like a dick.

I think you see your DH is dealing with your worries by brushing them off, but actually he IS trying to reassure you (combating negativity with positivity).

So YABU.

Sounds like he doesn't like being questioned and he's the only one right?
And you might think it's related to your anxiety but it's no more different than when dh and I do stuff together. If I spot something he doesn't and vice versa we don't shout each other down. Op the problem isn't your anxiety it's your dh entire attitude!

Juding by the number of people who are agreeing with me after my subsequent posts I clearly didn’t write my OP very well! Sorry about that.

Hi Doreen yes you’re probably right. If I think about my “irrational” fears (which I keep to myself) they have all started from a specific event – eg I always have to double check the hob is off, because on more than one occasion he has left it on after cooking (gas hob – visible flames). I also like to double check the car boot is shut because he once drove off with it open and our dogs sitting in the back. However I do all of these things quietly – a quick glance at the hob / in the rear view mirror to check the boot etc. Perhaps I’m not as subtle as I think.

SoMuch yes that rings so true. I lived alone for quite some time before I met him, managed everything with no dramas. It was all so easy! Now I daren’t even put up a hook on my own because I’ll do it wrong.

Is there any good in your relationship?

It sounds like he has dragged you down and rocked your self confidence.

I'd be asking myself if this relationship was worth staying in.

YANBU. It sounds like your DH has form for not thinking through the risks of what he is doing. Bearing that in mind, why would you trust him when he says it will all be OK, as experience tells you, it may well not be.

I'm amazed at the responses. Moving a caravan on a slope?
Sounds like he reacted dismissively and then angrily because he felt thwarted at every turn, much of it of his own making.
Communication is a big issue here. I'm a Christian and also very therapy open and literate and cannot imagine anything worse than a joint session with ones own vicar. His behaviour then was appalling but tiny bit understandable.

Tbh it doesn't sound like you have anxiety as such.

It's sounds like you have just seen a lot of stuff go wrong so trying to avoid it.

Dh was rubbish at diy and kept attempting it while I was out at work. Once it ended up with us having a hole from our bathroom to the living room under neath.

It ended up with me making him promise he wouldn't do anything while I was out. He just got an idea while he was bored (he worked odd shifts so was often at home during the day) and do it.

But the difference is, he did actually acknowledge he was at fault.

So I would change my initial post. Communication is a problem but it doesn't sound entirely like its a mutual problem

Cupcakes, do you feel you are often "walking on eggshells" with your dh? Is he critical of many things you do?

I am a terrible worst-case scenario worrier – far worse than you and I know it's a pain in the arse for DP, but I'd be very upset with behaviour like this. He's basically shutting you down whenever you express a concern, even when you're right (e.g. about the money). In fact, when you express a concern, even if it's irrational, it's respectful and kind to listen and reassure. It wouldn't cost him anything to just inform you of what you need to know or say "I know you're worried, but we'll be careful and I'll go at this end" etc.

He sounds like someone who always has to be right, even when he's not, and wants 100% control so you having any concerns is a threat to him doing what he wants. The being a spoilt teenager around his parents thing is also not great. The blaming you and lying to get out of taking the blame for anything. He just can't be in the wrong and that's

You can't "fix" him, and it sounds as if you may be on the verge of getting rid. But for now I would try getting more assertive. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. It doesn't matter if he thinks you should walk the dogs in the ice when heavily pregnant, or how much of a strop he throws – you can say "no, I'm not going to do that in my current state." With the caravan, "I need more reassurance and a plan before I do this, so let me know when you're ready to talk." (Calmly, not sarcastically.) You're letting his storming off and bossiness get to you and make you feel bad – you can change that. You need what you need and you have just as much right as him to ask for it.

So sorry about your dog too [hug]

All we’ve been through a really, really rough patch since DS was born. He didn’t sleep (up 3-4 times a night until he was 14 months due to undiagnosed CMPI), I found it very difficult as DH did very little in the way of night wakings (and fair enough – he has a very physical job and it would be dangerous for him to be doing it tired). I thought we were getting back on track. I think we’re heading back downhill again now, with the stress from the dog (cancer, won’t be with us long and only 6 years old) and a few other things. I’ve also been a bit down as DH doesn’t want to do anything in the evenings any more, except watch TV. He says he’s too tired to do anything else and TBH it’s driving a bit of a wedge between us.

Is there anything good in our relationship? I’m having to think far too hard about that but seperation is not possible.

oops I meant "and that's hard to live with."

Why isn't it possible? At the very least, it might help you to think of it as something that may be possible at some point, as it might help your inner confidence to know that as a baseline you don't have to put up with what he's like.

The only unreasonable thing is the need to type all this out. He was being a bit of an arse but it's probably best to let it go. People get tetchy when doing difficult jobs.

Don't worry. My DH insisted on driving over a bridge marked six foot wide not suitable for wide vehicles, towing a caravan which must be six foot wide as he is six foot and we sleep across the caravan...I was in the front passenger footwell shouting no no it won't fit. He of course was very calm and very certain of his ability to do this. We had a large audience. It did fit. Apparently there was a few millimetres on each side. I had my eyes closed. We laugh about it now.

Armchair - don't get a job with the Samaritans

I mean the self-employed thing for example. That should be a joint decision where your concerns matter, as it affects family finances. Instead you (rightly as it turned out) expressed a concern, he just shut you down and went ahead. That displays a really bad attitude to you IMO.

Definitely the more info you post, the more I can see that the communication problems are largely from your dh's side, not your own. He sounds very hard to live with (like my ex).