Crying at the kitchen table while ex plays monoploy with dc in the sitting room

[thinkingmakesitso]

I can't believe this. I have had loads of threads but in a nutshell he was a sahd/musician/writer who shagged a mutual friend in our bed while I was at work for 2.5 years. He moved out summer 2014. No divorce started yet and he still does before and after school care as well as seeing them here on a Sunday.

I have tried to get him to agree to him going home at certain times on certain days so I get a decent amount of time with them, as well as being able to work. He argues, then agrees, then doesn't stick to it, claims he forgot, we argue, he agrees etc etc. I just can't take it any more. Today he came at 9.30 am, an hour earlier than normal with no prior warning. took them out, back here since 2pm. I can't relax at home as he is here, but he can't afford a place to take the dc to. I wanted him to agree to go at about 4 every other weekend and put them to bed the other. He agreed but has now 'forgotten' this.

He asked earlier if he could take the dc to his parents for the whole weekend next week. I didn't really want it, but said yes. I then heard him arranging taking ds1 to the football at the end of Nov, on a Saturday - my day. An hour ago, I suggested seeing a mediator. He got nasty and said we would have to make it fair then, as now I get it all my own way, apparently. I then asked him to leave nowish as he will be taking the dc all weekend next week, and he got nasty and downright refused as it's not fair as I had them all day yesterday. FFs, I live here, it's not my fault he fucked everything up. He is adamant he wants nothing financial from me, but this is worse in a way. I have no power or control over anything, while he insists he is being done badly by.

I love my job but live for the weekends to spend time with the dc, but now it's ruined. He wants to be here 11 hours on a Sunday and I just can't stand it. I feel so sick and shaky and can't get on with anything I could be doing. Like an outcast in my house.

Thing is, what he 'deserves' morally really won't come into this. When and if it goes to court/mediation no-one will give a shit about the fact he cheated, it will be irrelavant. Even if the disgusting little maggot shut his own child the other side of a stairgate to do it.

However, as others have pointed out there is no 'spousal maintenance' these days so he also has no 'right' to be a SAHP unless he can afford it himself. That's the same of anyone, mother or father. I know plenty of women who've had to go back to work after a divorce. I must admit I feel more sympathy for them because they're usually the cheated ON. He's basically put himself in a position where he has to work now to support himself because he has fucked off his source of income.

It must be so hard OP but it sounds like you've made some tentative steps in the right direction. I hope it all works out for you. It's not for you to help him manage the contact he wants with the children by providing a place for him to do it. He will have to arrange that himself. My brother was the cheated on spouse who left the marital home and at no point did he force or emotionally blackmail himself back into the house - despite being the one paying the mortgage and the one who had been cheated on. He had to doss on people's sofas, use my parents as the place for contact with his kids and eventually scrape money together to rent somewhere suitable. At no point through mediation/court proceedings etc was anyone interested in the morality of what his ex had done. He was kind of in a worse place in that he didn't even have posession of the marital home but it did all work out in the end.

I do get that he is entitled to money from the house, but it is not as simple as we sell up and then he can set up on his own. With the amount of equity, he would be able to rent for a year or two, depending on how careful he was and how much work he got in the meantime. The money would be gone, probably sooner rather than later, and he would be in the same position (would never get a mortgage) and the children and I would have lost our home, albeit we would be in another. I can't afford to buy him out - I started looking into the figures last night and I don't think I can do it.

I don't know what the solution is for him/us financially, I really don't. If there was a stack of equity it would be different but there's not.

As you say, OP, he is entitled to equity, but to have a better idea of where you stand you need to see a good lawyer.

There is the possibility that you would be awarded the use of the house until your children are grown, because divorce judges are supposed to be concerned about the welfare of the children first.

The solution is that you get yourself a good lawyer and a divorce, and he gets himself a fucking job. A judge will decide what is fair, not any of us and certainly not Marilynz

Argh strikethrough fail!

I think you're looking at this as if he'll never have to work and that you'll be expected to support him and that's just not true. My cousin was a SAHM and she only received (IIRC) 24 months of spousal support. It was expected that she would use that time to return to work, which she did. She did get child support until the youngest turned 18 as she had the children the majority of the time, which your ex does not.

So ok, you think you won't be able to buy him out. Just see a lawyer to be sure. But the thing is, at some point HE won't want to continue 'as is'. At some point he's going to realize that he is due something from the house. And he's going to want that money. Or perhaps he'll realize that it's 'his house, too' and demand to move back in as the 'SAHP' and that YOU move out since you are working. What then? Wouldn't it be better to settle things now one way or the other?

You may not know what the solution is, but I think you know what it isn't. And that's doing what you are doing for the next, what, 16 years? Are you really OK with that? I wouldn't be.

That sounds sensible, Atenco.

Thinking, how are you getting on in finding a lawyer? The sooner you do, the sooner you'll be able to stop the little shit sapping the life out of you.

You don't necessarily have to pay him maintenance if he isn't caring for the children independently surely? He'll be entitled to some benefits presumably? Worth checking this out so when he comes to do his budget and what he needs to meet his living needs you are clued up. My X reckons he needs the same amount to live on as the 5 of us do.

A good solicitor is money well spent.

You need to get a court order approved. We agreed ours through mediation. He then got a solicitor who wrote to me and said 'we've changed our minds on everything' . I then had my solicitor fight my corner. Probably could have saved a lot of money by not going To mediation for months to end up with him doing that,

Well I have told him and it didn't go to badly I suppose. He was shocked at first and upset about not seeing the dc in the morning and how I should have discussed it first, but I said we are discussing it now. In fact, he has finally got some work (agency) so probably couldn't have done all the childcare this week anyway, so that's good.

He also said he tried to get on the list for social housing but they said he can't while he is a joint owner of this place. I said sign it over to me then, and he said he was no longer sure about doing that . Ended up saying he just wants time to think and it's a big step blah blah. He also assured me he has no intention of taking my money, forcing a house sale, depriving the dc of their home, depriving me etc etc. Fine - but what then? Think he just wants to stay on it as a kind of insurance policy just in case he is ever desperate.

He has asked me to write down all the arrangements regarding the dc, as he does genuinely forget - which I kind of believe as he has always been like that and his poor memory is exacerbated by his MS, I think.

Sadly, he mentioned getting back together, to which I said no. He then asked me to think about it and let him know as this will be the last time he asks. Great . He said if not, he will accept it and make sure everything stays as amicable as possible, which is obviously what I want to. No way I am having him back though, and I wish he hadn't said that.

Just want to get things rolling now and I feel so impatient. Have to wait til Weds to see another solicitor, seems like ages.

Well done! That is a big step. Now get everything sorted, facts and figures. Then you can speak through everything with the solicitor.

Your stbx having a medical condition could change things slightly because it would mean he wouldnt be able to work full time and so would be entitled to more than 50/50 split of all assets including your pension.
if he could demonstrate he is a SAHD then it might be possible that he would be given right to stay in property with you getting contact with the children EOW.
This situation isnt straight forward and just because your the "wronged" party wont mean it goes your way.

He isn't prevented from working full-time.

Glad having the conversation wasn't too terrible. That is a big step forward.

Now you can focus on the future you want and what is best for the dc.

Whenever I hear someone repeatedly assuring me that they wont do something that actually I dont really care about, I try and turn it around.
By "reassuring" you that he wont be asking you for money, what does that prevent that HE doesnt want?

Is his not asking for money a way of him actually saying "I dont want the half proceeds of the house because I really dont want you to sell the house"? "I dont want you to pay me maintenance because that will mean this will never blow over and we're officially never getting back together?" What is he passively trying to prevent you from considering?

Stormtreader I think you are right in a way, but I just have to be aware and wait and see, while getting legal advice I suppose. I think he knows he has been crap with money and doesn't want to make a rash decision. think he likes having it as an option and is scared of signing it away.

How bad is his MS? Is this why he hasn't worked? It's hard to live with someone who is ill/disabled, my DH is registered blind, so I know. Maybe his health has affected your relationship as well? I am thinking of the guilt you feel when you ask him to leave the house.

As I said, his MS has nothing at all to do with his career (or lack of) choices and does not prevent him from working. It is a bastard of a disease, but he is relatively unaffected by it and has, on average, a minor relapse every 2/3 years, with minimum symptoms on-going. I'm not saying it has no impact, but it's not been the driving factor. He left the house against my wishes at the time 15 months ago, so no guilt on my part.

I can see why he doesn't want to give up his share of the house - he needs to get legal advice first. Do you know if he has a solicitor or plans to get one?

I really think the only solution is to make the separation official by doing it legally. That way you can sort out the house and the childcare arrangements. After that both of you will be able get on with the new normal.

Totally agree with previous posters in that this is not a straightforward situation at all and both of you need robust legal advice.

He would be crazy to sign away his share of the house. And although your assessment of his MS (at the present moment) is that it doesn't affect his ability to work, if he went to court there is a very strong chance that would not be the case he makes. My ex has diabetes and is trying to make the case that it will affect his long-term earning capacity; it would be foolish of your ex not to say the same thing because neither of you know how it will affect him in the future.

Oh, you need a SHL right away! It's obvious he's already thinking about the house and what the best thing is for him (and of course he is entitled to do that). You just don't want to be blindsided. And Teapot is right that his MS will probably be mentioned regarding his future earnings capacity.

I'm pretty sure if there is a mesher order on the house he is still eligible to claim for housing benefit etc. Def need a SHL IMHO.