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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Crying at the kitchen table while ex plays monoploy with dc in the sitting room

146 replies

thinkingmakesitso · 08/11/2015 16:27

I can't believe this. I have had loads of threads but in a nutshell he was a sahd/musician/writer who shagged a mutual friend in our bed while I was at work for 2.5 years. He moved out summer 2014. No divorce started yet and he still does before and after school care as well as seeing them here on a Sunday.

I have tried to get him to agree to him going home at certain times on certain days so I get a decent amount of time with them, as well as being able to work. He argues, then agrees, then doesn't stick to it, claims he forgot, we argue, he agrees etc etc. I just can't take it any more. Today he came at 9.30 am, an hour earlier than normal with no prior warning. took them out, back here since 2pm. I can't relax at home as he is here, but he can't afford a place to take the dc to. I wanted him to agree to go at about 4 every other weekend and put them to bed the other. He agreed but has now 'forgotten' this.

He asked earlier if he could take the dc to his parents for the whole weekend next week. I didn't really want it, but said yes. I then heard him arranging taking ds1 to the football at the end of Nov, on a Saturday - my day. An hour ago, I suggested seeing a mediator. He got nasty and said we would have to make it fair then, as now I get it all my own way, apparently. I then asked him to leave nowish as he will be taking the dc all weekend next week, and he got nasty and downright refused as it's not fair as I had them all day yesterday. FFs, I live here, it's not my fault he fucked everything up. He is adamant he wants nothing financial from me, but this is worse in a way. I have no power or control over anything, while he insists he is being done badly by.

I love my job but live for the weekends to spend time with the dc, but now it's ruined. He wants to be here 11 hours on a Sunday and I just can't stand it. I feel so sick and shaky and can't get on with anything I could be doing. Like an outcast in my house.

OP posts:
PrimalLass · 09/11/2015 20:10

The fact he shagged someone he shouldn't is neither here nor there but many posts use that to tel the op she is justtified in occupying the home.

Fuck that. She is completely justified. He broke their vows.

NameChange30 · 09/11/2015 20:12

"complete gender bias"
Do you have any evidence for this? I mean actual evidence, as opposed to your unoriginal assertion that we'd all be giving different advice if the genders were reversed? Which is complete bullshit as usual.

No one said that he shouldn't be entitled to any share in the house equity and other marital assets. You've imagined that in your eagerness to accuse us all of gender bias. Pretty much everyone advised mediation and legal advice to ensure a fair settlement.

Elendon · 09/11/2015 20:12

Most courts go for a square deal on separation, but always take into consideration first the needs of the dependent children.

Hillfarmer · 09/11/2015 20:35

I am ashamed at lack of gender equality its [sic] breathtaking.

Oh diddums. Why are you so bothered Marilyn for the OP's DH? He hasn't posted on here has he? 'Complete gender bias' - What on earth is so bad about the advice and support given on here?

Unlike you, everyone else is keeping to the subject of the thread.

I'm amazed your breath is taken away by a 'lack of gender equality' - it doesn't come as any surprise to my half of the population.

Like you say, let the judge decide what's fair. I don't think the OP would want anything other than 'fair'. Then her shit of a husband really can fuck off.

Original poster
thinkingmakesitso · 09/11/2015 20:42

Well, people have already defended me eloquently so I don't need to say a lot in response to Marilynsbigsister. Just to say that the children are 6 & 8 and for the last couple of years we discussed him getting part time work and all options were beneath him. It enrages me now to recall that during this time he knew he was cheating on me, knew our marriage was in danger yet was happy to have no income of his own safe in the knowledge that I would support him. Weeks before he dropped his bombshell he asked me to fund him doing a creative writing MA, ffs.

Goodbetterbest you may be projecting, but that is exactly how I feel too Smile.

BTW - I'm not the poster whose h slept with the parent of a pupil Shock.

Thanks again for all the support; it has helped me focus and I now have childcare sorted for three mornings a week and have a plan for the afternoons too. I just have to tell him tomorrow evening and that does scare me. But I will do it, because it's true that whatever happens, we can't go on like this.

OP posts:
Marilynsbigsister · 09/11/2015 20:43

Again put it this way SHE has been seperated 18 months (but none the less still has the kids everyday- at her JOINTLY owned house.. She hasnt got a job get because she's been out of the job market a while and needs something that fits round the kids...you really think that would be fair to call her bone-idle ? Sorry you can't have it both ways. If we truly value sahp as putting equal value to working parents in the marriage then it must be gender equal. The goal posts can't be moved just because he is a faithless fucker and it would be a nice way to get him back. It doesn't work like that. It's about providing homes where both parents can have an effective relationship with each parent. Nothing more nothing less.

Original poster
thinkingmakesitso · 09/11/2015 20:44

Btw, I didn't tell him to leave in a fit of rage - I begged him not to go and he insisted he 'needed a break' but would be back. now he wants to be back, I no longer want him. Hey ho. He did not nobly leave the house for the sake of the children though, don't think that.

OP posts:
Marilynsbigsister · 09/11/2015 20:44

parents have effective relationship with their dcs

Original poster
thinkingmakesitso · 09/11/2015 20:50

But it changes it a bit when the SAHP was 38 when the dc were born and had never worked with any kind of regularity, doesn't it? And when that person refused to consider any kind of 'normal' job after the children started school because it was beneath him/her? (Yes, I shouldn't have married him, but it's a bit late for that now).

Has worked since he moved out, he can get work and income, but he doesn't stick at anything. I don't see why the children should lose their stability to fund that.

OP posts:
Hillfarmer · 09/11/2015 21:04

Again Marilyn, why are you so bothered? Just a teensy bit goady, you are.

Btw you are so clever turning the genders around. I'd never have thought of that!

NameChange30 · 09/11/2015 21:21

OP, please don't feel you need to defend yourself to anyone especially not a goady idiot. The rest of us are completely on your side.

Brioche201 · 09/11/2015 21:42

Marilyn is not being goady she is telling the op how it is ,not what she thinks she wants to hear.

Original poster
thinkingmakesitso · 09/11/2015 21:51

Pretty much everyone, including me, has accepted that H has to have some kind of payment. Marilyn isn't telling me 'how it is; she is making lots of inaccurate assumptions about H's attitude and motivation and most of these are way off mark.

OP posts:
Aussiemum78 · 09/11/2015 22:13

You need to make things official. Separate the money, separate the house, get a custody agreement. Can you sell the home and buy something of your own? Organise childcare or change your hours so you can do the morning drop off?

Stop holding back in fear, you need to finalise this or the separation is really for nothing. He is separated but you are not.

Anaffaquine · 09/11/2015 22:47

Well done for sorting child care Wednesday- Friday.
Good luck with telling him. He sounds like spoilt child who wants everything his own way.
Just be glad you are not still wanting him back and haven't decided to give it another go. That would be a terrible mistake.
The next logical step is to start divorce proceedings. This will have to happen at some point, if you want a fresh clean start. Good luck in finding awesome legal advice and get rid of his dead weight.

Jux · 09/11/2015 23:13

There are many, many families where both parents have to work and somehow juggle the cost of childcare. As he doesn't have the children anything like 50% of the time, I think that excuse is out the window. Sure, it's nice if a parent can afford not to work but that isn't the case here. He is choosing not to work, despite not being able to afford it. Why is that fair?

BitOutOfPractice · 10/11/2015 00:38

If I were the op I would start thinking about fairness and reasonableness when

A. He gets a job and starts taking responsibility for his own finances like a grown up

B. Finds a place to live where he can take the kids. You know, like a grown up

C. Stops trying to control the op's life and tell her what she is and isn't allowed to do by facing up to his actions. Like, you guessed it, a grown up

He has left the family home. Now he needs to set himself up properly if he is to have what he wants with regards to the kids.

My guess is that a judge would scoff at any parent who said, "I want custody but I DJ t expect to actually work, have a proper home or go out of my way at all, I expect my ex to pay for me, give me access to the home they're paying for at all times, and boss them around as necessary" no matter what their gender

BrendaandEddie · 10/11/2015 06:35

Op. Were you the one suspicious of the relationship between h and a music students parent?

Helmetbymidnight · 10/11/2015 06:39

No- this is the guy who was shagging (without condom) a 'friend' in the house while the op was at work and he was 'looking after the kids'.
He's a shit.

Marilynsbigsister · 10/11/2015 07:58

Helmet that has I'm afraid absolutely no effect on a equitable division of assetts from a marriage. Perhaps if it did, it would encourage people to think before shagging others however having had 'no fault divorce' now for many many years, your point is void.

Helmetbymidnight · 10/11/2015 08:13

Er I was letting the pp know which shitty fella it was.

Helmetbymidnight · 10/11/2015 08:14

My point is therefore no more 'void' than yours.

Marilynsbigsister · 10/11/2015 08:18

bitoutofpractice

A. There are (sadly ) many many sah mothers who have absolutely no idea how to manage money. They are given an allowance by their dh . Why should he get a jjob if he looks after the kids. ? You would never demand that of a woman in the same situation.

B. Do tell me how you get a deposit and rent together for a family home when you are a sahp and your wife is occupying the joint family home where your equity is tied up.
You can't leave your family home and see your dcs if you have no home and no means to obtain one.
C , I can't see a judge giving everything to his ex wife simply because she paid the mortgage and he looked after the kids (the shagging whilst doing so will have no bearing on the fact that he is a sahp. )
Judge will simply split the assetts so a clean break can be affected. That way both parents can get suitable premesis of their own and he can no longer cross the threshold as it will be her home not THEIRS. Nothing will change until this happens as you can't keep a joint owner out of their own home.

Original poster
thinkingmakesitso · 10/11/2015 08:19

I know there's no fault divorce, but I do think it says something about his commitment to parenting that he shut ds (aged 2) behind a stair gate in order to have sex with someone, on more than one occasion. And yes, I think most people would say the same if he was a woman.

OP posts:
PrimalLass · 10/11/2015 08:24

You would never demand that of a woman in the same situation

And you know that for sure, do you? If a woman had been doing the same thing then I would certainly assume that she no longer deserved her part of the deal.