Crying at the kitchen table while ex plays monoploy with dc in the sitting room

[thinkingmakesitso]

I can't believe this. I have had loads of threads but in a nutshell he was a sahd/musician/writer who shagged a mutual friend in our bed while I was at work for 2.5 years. He moved out summer 2014. No divorce started yet and he still does before and after school care as well as seeing them here on a Sunday.

I have tried to get him to agree to him going home at certain times on certain days so I get a decent amount of time with them, as well as being able to work. He argues, then agrees, then doesn't stick to it, claims he forgot, we argue, he agrees etc etc. I just can't take it any more. Today he came at 9.30 am, an hour earlier than normal with no prior warning. took them out, back here since 2pm. I can't relax at home as he is here, but he can't afford a place to take the dc to. I wanted him to agree to go at about 4 every other weekend and put them to bed the other. He agreed but has now 'forgotten' this.

He asked earlier if he could take the dc to his parents for the whole weekend next week. I didn't really want it, but said yes. I then heard him arranging taking ds1 to the football at the end of Nov, on a Saturday - my day. An hour ago, I suggested seeing a mediator. He got nasty and said we would have to make it fair then, as now I get it all my own way, apparently. I then asked him to leave nowish as he will be taking the dc all weekend next week, and he got nasty and downright refused as it's not fair as I had them all day yesterday. FFs, I live here, it's not my fault he fucked everything up. He is adamant he wants nothing financial from me, but this is worse in a way. I have no power or control over anything, while he insists he is being done badly by.

I love my job but live for the weekends to spend time with the dc, but now it's ruined. He wants to be here 11 hours on a Sunday and I just can't stand it. I feel so sick and shaky and can't get on with anything I could be doing. Like an outcast in my house.

These knobbers men claim to want 50/50 as a way of control and by way of not having to pay child maintenance, but it's inevitably bluff and bluster as they rarely to stick to any such arrangement.

However, it seems to me that 50/50 would be beneficial for you, OP, as he can have the dc during the week while you pick them up from school/nursery on Friday and drop them off on Monday morning - you can share school holidays and alternate Christmas Day and New Year's Eve each year.

It's too late for you to divorce him for adultery, but having an ow in your bed while you were working is one example of ground to divorce citing his unreasonable behaviour.

You need to put a proper contact plan in place for the benefit of your dc who need the structure and order this will bring to their lives, and to this end you should make an appointment with a solcitior who specialises in divorce and family law asap.

Sois the house maortgaged? If so who is paying it?

I think the only solution is to face the shit storm and stop him from bullying you.

How is he going to get 50/50 if he hasn't got a home to take them to?

He has been gone 15 months and nothing has changed.

You either let it carry on like this for the next decade or so or start the roller coaster of getting divorced and not allowing him to visit the dc in the house.

If there is no equity then spilt it 50/50 and move into rented. Nothing is worth what this is doing to your self esteem and what it is teaching your dc about relationships. He is using your fear to keep you under control.

Xpost with you (that's what I get for stepping away with a post half done) OP.

Can you get an access/maintenance order without settling issues with the house?

Oh OP.

What a horrible situation. He's still so embedded in your / your DC's lives that it must seem to difficult as to how to start to unravel it.

It never fails to astound and sadden me that there are so many self centred people who want to have thei me cake and eat it too. At no regard to the person on the receiving end. What he is doing is not ok. At all. He's deliberately invading your personal space, your time whilst doing what he wants to do.

Let me ask you this. If you do nothing? How do see this ending up?

goddess These knobbers men claim to want 50/50 as a way of control and by way of not having to pay child maintenance, but it's inevitably bluff and bluster as they rarely to stick to any such arrangement.

Oh so true. OP if it helps I am happy to talk to you about my experience of a similar situation. I've been through the court process with someone gunning for 50:50 (he didn't get it). Obviously in some situations 50:50 is exactly the right outcome for the children, but in many cases as goddess cites above; a controlling husband will threaten to go for it for financial reasons. In my case my ex knew that "whoever got the kids, got the money" so did whatever he could to further his case. Including making false claims against me to social services. Thankfully it all came to nowt but I do bristle when someone pipes up to remind us all that 50:50 is the best outcome for most.

RE changing the locks...

I was one of the children in this situation. At the time (around 10 years ago) my DM was advised that she could change the locks legally. Both of their names were on the mortgage but she was paying that and the bills and despite him obviously having a financial interest in the house, he wasn't a resident and most certainly could not 'just move back in'. It's definitely worth having a proper look into.

50/50 residency of the children looks like it would actually benefit you, providing you stand strong and stop him from treating your home as his own. He must have somewhere suitable to take the children if that's his threat though.

And owning a property really isn't worth all this. I'd divorce, sell up and rent a place that he definitely has no claim to.

Perhaps you coukd try a different tack. Go in there and join in, get right in his face don't let him take over don't let him have any peace in your home, next week when he turns up stay within a foot of him at all times ask him constant questions about his new life home girlfriends talk about your latest flirtation at work anything to get him out of this comfort zone, anything to stop him pretending to be a good guy. Does he expect lunch and dinner? At 12.30 say to the kids Daddy is taking you out for lunch as mummy can't afford to keep feeding him now he's left, or make you and the kids lunch and give him something vile. All with a nice big smile, whilst looking your very best.

I was one of the children in this situation. At the time (around 10 years ago) my DM was advised that she could change the locks legally. Both of their names were on the mortgage but she was paying that and the bills and despite him obviously having a financial interest in the house, he wasn't a resident and most certainly could not 'just move back in'. It's definitely worth having a proper look into.

This is what I meant by legal. He has moved out of the family home. He is no longer resident which means he cannot barge in when he wants to. A solicitor would know the law here... which would be helpful to you immediately. He has set a precedent by leaving, he may jointly own the property but he can't just march in. Please get a lawyer to tell you where you stand on this. At the moment he's sticking pins in you and laughing.

And do that calendar. Email it to him.

And you do have a life. Have 'plans'. If he starts a game of monopoly in the front room, tell him it doesn't fit in with your plans. (Repeat after me: 'It doesn't fit in with my plans'. Him: 'What plans?' You: 'It doesn't fit in with my plans.') Make stuff up! Like a previous poster said, get your coats on and go round the block...take the kids out for a pizza, whatever. I understand your fear...he is threatening you by squatting in your house and the threat presumably is also that he will rage and shout and kick up in front of the children. He's a shit. You have to get him out.

Is he still there now?

Thanks so much for all the replies and supportive comments. The knob ended up going at 5pm - saying goodbye all breezily as if nothing had happened. Had he just said "I want a quick game with them and then I'll be off," it would have been fine, but he deliberately made it seem as if he was going to stay til 8.30 (ds1's bedtime). Just to make me feel shit, the cunt.

I am going to look at arranging my own childcare for 3 days I think. We obviously can't go on like this, and someone's remark about the dc has hit home - that was the whole point in our splitting in the first place.

I really can't stand the thought of going into rented though. I know it sounds stupid, but I have worked so hard for this house. I am a home-body with a crap/non-existent social life as all my time and energy goes to the dc and work. I have made the house lovely without him and would feel so insecure in rented - as well as the money I would lose and rent would be more than the mortgage round here. Though we do have a bit of equity and my share may be enough for a deposit for me, but I honestly don't think I could survive the upheaval.

Ideally I would give him nothing. Second to ideally I would give him half the pension from our married years and get a mesher (sp?) order. Neither of those would solve his immediate cash problem though.

The lazy bastard should get a job. Christ op I'm spitting feathers for you.
Could he have the dc's 50/50, mind you how's he going to look after them if he doesn't work?

You don't have to solve his immediate cash problem. It's his problem.
Yes arrange your own childcare. Yes start divorce proceedings.

Get proper legal advice.
You don't have to let him see the children in your home.
I'd be very careful about letting him do so much childcare, it could make him look like the primary carer.
You are unlikely to have to sell your home to pay him off while you are housing the children, unless you have more space than you need. If you are supporting the children without financial help from him, I can't see that you would be expected to give him money, unless he gave up a lucrative career to stay at home to look after the children, and you have surplus income. Even in those circumstances, payment would probably be time limited to enable him to retrain.
But I can't stress enough how important it is for you to get proper legal advice, based on your actual income expenditure and assets. And start divorce proceedings.

I don't know how to spell Mesher either, but I know what it is and why not go for it? That sounds like a great idea. But get it moving. The current situation is death by a thousand cuts, and you need to be fit and mentally healthy to get on with it. He is not going to be easy.

Get back onto your lawyer.

You have to be a warrior. You have to be prepared to be tough and not worry about the problems that he has brought on himself.

I found it difficult both to stand up to my EA ex-husband and at the same time I also found myself feeling almost guilty for the stupid decisions he has made for himself since our separation and divorce. I had to remind myself to be hard. He was out to destroy me. He is pissed off that he didn't manage it. I do not feel bad, sad or guilty for some shithead who was happy to destroy me.

His cash problem isn't yours though is it?

The dc are very clearly resident with you and he has been gone what 15 months? That puts you in a strong position to stay in the house with them with a mesher order in place.

Be brave - take the plunge. The courts will want to see the dc housed in the former marital home if possible the absolute worst thing that will happen is that you have to sell and go into rented, that could take a long time even if you are forced to by the courts.

Sort out the childcare - again will strengthen your independence from him. He wants to see the dc, he has to take them out/elsewhere. If he spends so much time with them weekdays then he has them alternate weekend time only or similar.

He keeps forgetting what he's agreed to? Well 2 can do that - he turns up for the dc on Saturday, what a shame you forgot, you've gone out... If he stays until bedtime then he doesn't come until after lunch and then takes them out. That sort of thing.

He seems to want a relationship with the dc, that is great - it doesn't mean he gets to treat you like shit in your home though. What is he going to do when you put some boundaries in? Stop seeing the dc? Is that the worst he can threaten you with?

Cross-posts

Yes he brought this all on himself - it is not YOUR problem.

I think the childcare is a good start.

As far as the house I can 100% understand the security of ownership vs rental. And the feeling of having made your own 'nest'. But sometimes that fucking cuckoo in your nest just isn't worth it. And the insecurity of knowing he can just walk in and make himself at home is worse than the 'insecurity' of renting.

You must do what feels right, but just try to keep a bit of an open mind. My BFF walked out of their owned home and into rented accommodation. Her situation was different than yours as her ex was abusive and she just could not stay. It was eventually foreclosed on as the ex refused to pay the mortgage and she couldn't afford to pay both rent and the mortgage. She could have fought for the house but she didn't. She said a large part of the reason was because she had so many bad memories of him in that house. The fights, the abuse, too many bad memories. She said in her new rented home (in which he was NOT allowed to set foot) there were absolutely NO memories of him. She never thought 'This is where that fight happened' or 'That is where he called me a (insert expletive)'. Nor were there memories of spoilt holidays and ugly mealtimes. She said in the end, she was happier in the rental. And she made it just as much her 'nest' as the house had been.

I hesitate to say this but if you force the issue isn't her going to try and get residency of the kids? At the moment he is fulflling the role of a stay at home parent ie before and after school care everyday and all day sunday whilst you get saturday.I am not clear what you mean by it is his house? Whose name is the mortgage in - joint or both?
I think if you imagine he is going to concede on the childcare thing you are very much mistaken.
As others have said You really DO need better legal advice

I remember your story because he was such a horrible, nasty twat.

I'm sorry things haven't improved much op.

Stay strong.

OP, I feel for you. I am in a similar position and I hate it. Hate him hanging around here, choosing which child he will entertain. It's not parenting. Wouldn't I love to spend some 1:1 time with each child? Oh but it's not about us is it? Or even about the children. It's about them feeling as though they are worth something and have a place in the children's lives. My kids don't notice when he isn't here, and are fairly indifferent to him when he is.

It's horrendous isn't it? I wish I had some answers for you, but all I can do is stand with you.

Go to a shit hot lawyer and get things started. The situation is sapping your energy and ruining your confidence, and it has to stop sooner rather than later.

Once your solicitor has set out a fair contact arrangement officially, you will start to feel better and gain confidence. Then whatever upheavals happen will seem like lesser mountains than they do now.

It's never easy with these selfish pricks, but it gets easier and better once you take action, and each step take you further from the crap

You can do it, and you will be fine.

Have I missed you telling us where he's actually living? Why doesn't he have the kids there?

It seems there's a lot of things you can't face op - upheaval, divorce, confrontation. But unless you do, nothing will change will it?

It was my brother who told me that my ex coming into my home was 'well out of order'. So, I took his advice. It was brilliant advice.

Stop him coming into the home and get your stbex to 'play' with his children in his own home. Then you can enjoy your well deserved free time. He gets free time, so should you.

He is staying with a friend, so it's not possible for him to have the kids there. He has been insistent about not wanting any money from me, but I now think I need to give him some so that he has no excuse not to get a place.

I said we had little equity, but we do have about £40k - not enough to make it worth selling according to the solicitor, but I could possibly buy him out? I have looked into this, but is it right that I remortgage in my name only and he gets some of the equity? Or would he get all of it? £40k seems like a hell of a lot to me, or could I claim some of it for fees etc? He would be set up for years, while I would find things pretty tight.

Obviously need to get myself a decent lawyer, but it is so hard. I have lessons all day most days this weeks and two after school meetings as well. How do people find time to get divorced?

"He has been insistent about not wanting any money from me, but I now think I need to give him some so that he has no excuse not to get a place."

DO NOT GIVE HIM MONEY. He's been sponging off you for the whole relationship by the sounds of it.

You really need to stop being a doormat. If you need to, get a fiesty friend or family member to give you moral support and help you hold your nerve. You MUST stop letting him walk all over you. Stop letting him into your house FGS! If he really wants to see his children he will get a job so he can find somewhere to live. How the hell is he going to get 50/50 contact when he's living with a friend?! He's living in fantasy land and you're going along with it.

Woman up!