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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Crying at the kitchen table while ex plays monoploy with dc in the sitting room

146 replies

thinkingmakesitso · 08/11/2015 16:27

I can't believe this. I have had loads of threads but in a nutshell he was a sahd/musician/writer who shagged a mutual friend in our bed while I was at work for 2.5 years. He moved out summer 2014. No divorce started yet and he still does before and after school care as well as seeing them here on a Sunday.

I have tried to get him to agree to him going home at certain times on certain days so I get a decent amount of time with them, as well as being able to work. He argues, then agrees, then doesn't stick to it, claims he forgot, we argue, he agrees etc etc. I just can't take it any more. Today he came at 9.30 am, an hour earlier than normal with no prior warning. took them out, back here since 2pm. I can't relax at home as he is here, but he can't afford a place to take the dc to. I wanted him to agree to go at about 4 every other weekend and put them to bed the other. He agreed but has now 'forgotten' this.

He asked earlier if he could take the dc to his parents for the whole weekend next week. I didn't really want it, but said yes. I then heard him arranging taking ds1 to the football at the end of Nov, on a Saturday - my day. An hour ago, I suggested seeing a mediator. He got nasty and said we would have to make it fair then, as now I get it all my own way, apparently. I then asked him to leave nowish as he will be taking the dc all weekend next week, and he got nasty and downright refused as it's not fair as I had them all day yesterday. FFs, I live here, it's not my fault he fucked everything up. He is adamant he wants nothing financial from me, but this is worse in a way. I have no power or control over anything, while he insists he is being done badly by.

I love my job but live for the weekends to spend time with the dc, but now it's ruined. He wants to be here 11 hours on a Sunday and I just can't stand it. I feel so sick and shaky and can't get on with anything I could be doing. Like an outcast in my house.

OP posts:
Elendon · 09/11/2015 10:34

Divide the equity equally? That will give him a deposit for a new place.

Pay him child maintenance if he is to pick up the children and have them during the week.

He needs to get himself a place, otherwise he will miss out on play time with the children at the weekend - stop this arrangement and tell him that it is 'operational' only now.

It might be ok, to start with, to have him pick up the children and leave them home, stay there until you come back - then he leaves immediately - no big poetic goodbyes either. But he doesn't get to have 'fun' time with them in your house at the weekends. That has to stop. Immediately.

Elendon · 09/11/2015 10:37

Or just get a good child minder to pick up the children. It's up to your ex to decide how he wants things to go from now.

Original poster
thinkingmakesitso · 09/11/2015 10:38

Thanks Emma I do appreciate the feeling and you are definitely right that I need to stop being a doormat, but I honestly don't think I could argue that he has been sponging while he was a sahd. Yes, he fitted in shagging time, but he also did childcare and a fair bit of housework. What a busy boy he was Hmm. Sadly and unfairly, I think there is a very real possibility that I could even be seen as needing to subsidise him as being the main carer Angry.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 09/11/2015 10:43

"Yes, he fitted in shagging time"!!
...As well as spending all the money you earned and more, running up overdraft/credit card debit. (I had a quick look at your other threads.)

Where is your anger? Your self respect?

I'm sorry to be harsh but I think you do need a bit of a kick up the bum! Stop wallowing and start doing something about it!

Elendon · 09/11/2015 11:11

You are not subsidising him for being the main carer, simply paying maintenance. That doesn't give him carte blanche to invade your home and privacy.

No way!

VocationalGoat · 09/11/2015 11:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NameChange30 · 09/11/2015 11:15

She's not paying maintenance though is she? She would only do that if he had the children more than 50% of the time. Which he doesn't, and could only do if he had his own place.

Anyway, as for giving him money because he does school drop offs and pick ups - a childminder would probably be cheaper and would certainly cause a lot less heartache.

NameChange30 · 09/11/2015 11:17

(cross post, mine was in reply to Elendon)

aginghippy · 09/11/2015 11:17

I think there is a very real possibility that I could even be seen as needing to subsidise him as being the main carer.

Who would see that? A judge? I doubt it. The assumption is generally that both parties will work to support themselves going forward. You really need to get proper legal advice.

VocationalGoat · 09/11/2015 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

misscph1973 · 09/11/2015 11:37

OP, you got great advice, and VocationalGoat has really hit the nail on the head. Your ex-DH is pushing your guilt buttons, and he knows it. You feel that it's in the interest of the children, and that you have to accept him in your home. It's not in the interest of the children that the 2 of you are not moving on. You are delaying the pain for them.

Why does he have to have half of your pension? Has he always been a SAHD?

I can understand why you want to keep the house, I do understand your need for a stable home. But you have to make sure that you are prioritising what's best for you. Obviously moving is very stressful and renting is not secure. But at the end of the day, it's just bricks. The marital home has already been broken down.

When my parents divorced, I was so happy when the house finally went on forced sale (they completely ruined each other financially) as I hated living in that house, it was not a family home any more.

Best of luck. Do what needs to be done, and put yourself first. That's the best you can give your kids.

Elendon · 09/11/2015 11:45

Yes I agree Emma, I even suggested the OP get a childminder. My other suggestions were for the interim, because clearly the OP has a problem and it's best resolved piece by piece.

Starting with no contact at weekends, in her home.

hereandtherex · 09/11/2015 11:59

Ah, uemployed artistic type ...

Start divorce, draw a line under all things financial. Get a ids rota in place and make him stick to it.

Oh, tell him to get a proper job too. You know, one that pays money.

clam · 09/11/2015 12:13

This isn't the bloke who insisted on teaching music to the child of the woman he was shagging, is it?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 09/11/2015 12:43

Sorry to say OP-your behaviour (niceness etc!) , is enabling him to generally torture you!! I know you're doing it for the best of reasons, but it means you are missing out massively... a close pal had this for. 5 years... her. ex. who would suddenly spend tje night on the sofa as it was 'too far' (15 mins) to travel home after child. care... he. also appeared for yule every Christmas eve, day and boxing day! was horrid for her... until he preferred to be with a. girlfriend...

instigate divorce proceedings..

the e-calendar idea.is.excellent.
It. needs to be presented as this is how it WILL be, rather than it is up for negotiation!!

good luck!

NameChange30 · 09/11/2015 12:49

I wonder if there's some co-dependency going on. On some level you feel that you need him (to provide childcare) and he needs you (to provide money). It's unhealthy for both of you.

What do your family and friends say?

WickedWax · 09/11/2015 13:07

Time to stop moaning and take action. You're not helpless so start helping yourself otherwise you'll still be here in a year posting the same old same old.

Yes it's really fucking unfair. Yes you may only end up with your kids 50% of the time. Yes you may have to pay to get rid of him. But you don't know any of this for sure until you've taken legal advice.

Meanwhile, change the locks because you've lost your keys haven't you? That's perfectly reasonable. Or get a chain on the door. When he arrives an hour early answer the door and say "oh we weren't expecting you until 10.30, see you then" and close the door. When he turns up on Sunday have the kids wrapped up warmly and give them a packed lunch and a flask of soup - a day at the park or walking round town or whatever he'll have to do, won't kill them.

RandomMess · 09/11/2015 13:09

When it comes to paying maintenance it's about where the children spend the night - fairly or unfairly he could do all the childcare but if they are not spending the night with him then he can't claim for maintenance from you!

The most he would be entitled to is 50% of the marital assets - so after debts and costs are taken into account and if you are housing the dc 100% of the time then it is entirely right that you gain a mesher to give his share when the youngest is an adult. You need to put in place an occupation order so that he has his legal entitlement to his share of the equity without a right to move back in.

You have inadvertently weakened his claim on gaining residency and claiming his maintenance.

Why are you letting your guilt at him causing the end of your marriage enable him to carrying on destroying you?

He can still have the dc after school and take them out - public library for homework, take them back to his place & cook tea etc, it doesn't need to be in YOUR home. Sort out before school childcare as a start at a very minimum.

Original poster
thinkingmakesitso · 09/11/2015 13:27

This has been so helpful - thank you so much, especially for the hard words that have given me just the right level of a kicking really!

I have phoned before and after school care and intend to put a note through the door of a school mum who has helped me in the past, but I have lost her number. My plan is to tell him I no longer need him Wednesdays- Fridays, and he can still do the pre and after school care Mons and Tues. I'm hoping that is fair. The problem is, he will have to do that at my place as the place he is staying is a 20 minute drive away, but it's a start.

I intend to tell him this tomorrow evening after my parents' evening, as I need him for that! He will tell me I have no right to stop him seeing the children Weds - Sun. What do I say to that?

I also managed to get an hour off timetable this morning to ring round lawyers. I am going to see HR later to say I will probably need time off for appointments, as this all can't be done after school and at weekends. I've also booked a mediation session. So I have started to take action. I know I need to.

OP posts:
aginghippy · 09/11/2015 13:47

Well done thinking Flowers You are moving in the right direction.

BrendaandEddie · 09/11/2015 13:51

ID move out and rent, just to be able to shut the door behind me at the end of the day.

how did he afford the house?

NameChange30 · 09/11/2015 13:51

Great update! Well done for everything you've done so far, that's brilliant Smile

"He will tell me I have no right to stop him seeing the children Weds - Sun. What do I say to that?"
Well, you might not have a right to stop him seeing his children, but you do have a right to stop him seeing them in your home. For example, you could suggest that he takes them out for the day every Saturday or Sunday. Or every other Sat/Sun.

Also, mediation is a good idea because you really need a formal contact agreement.

BitOutOfPractice · 09/11/2015 13:52

Grat! All great steps - apart from this one: "he will have to do that at my place as the place he is staying is a 20 minute drive away"

Why? 20 minutes drive is hardly long. Or he can take them to the park and a cafe for tea. He can get a job and pay for childcare like you are. His problems are not your problems - stop enabling him to cop out.

misscph1973 · 09/11/2015 14:07

His problems are not your problems - that is what you need to keep saying to your self, OP, it's hard, because you were married and you are used to being involved with each other, but you will get there, one step at a time.

Welll done for sorting so much out already - give yourself a pat on the back, it's all sensible stuff that will help you.

BitOutOfPractice · 09/11/2015 14:10

I'm sorry my post sounded very brusque - all the steps you're putting in place are really great. You just need to get over the mental barrier that it is your job to support / help / enable him