Help I am suffering from an unrequited infatuation

[abbi67]

I've developed an inappropriate obsession with a male work colleague and am not sure how to make it stop. For years we were just mates, then we spent some time working on a project together and he was very understanding whilst I was going through a stressful work situation. Seeing this new side to him, and the fact that I've been single for far too long, meant I slowly started to developed feelings for him (basically started to fancy the pants off him). However, he has a DP so i never said / did anything and probably actually give off negative vibes to hide my feelings.

After the feelings developed I became jealous of him working closely with other female colleagues, became overly nosey about his life, and starting following his movements on social media very closely. This led to me feeling very guilty about the obsession and behaving quite weirdly around him. At the moment I'm keeping my distance from him but I am still obsessed with where he is, what he's doing etc. I've even attempted to log into his work email account to find out why he's on annual leave.

This all makes me sound like a hormonal schoolgirl but in fact I'm in my late 30s. I know that no contact would be the ideal way to go but I see him at work virtually every day, and every time I see him it sets off the god i really like you feelings again. I'm dabbling with OD, but no dates yet, to try and take my mind off it.

Any other suggestions, or just some harsh words about how stupid I'm being, would be useful.

I always agree with whatever the previous poster said.

Abbi, try and think the following...

1. trying to get into his email was the point where you crossed the line. Whilst it was all thoughts, nobody could get hurt but the email thing was an action that was not ok.

2. seeing someone in work all the time can magnify feelings and also make you think that feelings of satisfaction doing a good job/cooperating are something more.

3. whilst you are lusting after him in your head, you see no bad points. You don't have arguments eg because it's just a fantasy

I'm sorry you are in this position. Try to get through it, keeping in mind that one day you will be through it.

If anyone wishes to make a comment about AF or her style of posting, please can you do it somewhere that's not in my thread. It's not helpful to log in looking for genuine ideas about my problem only to be find an ongoing debate about another poster.

Thanks to HellesBelles, Irene and Manatee for your useful thoughts.

Cross post and also thanks Bubbletree, really helpful.

Treat people how you want to be treated op. What would be your response if you discovered a male colleague with a 'crush' on you followed your every move? Hacked into your work email account because he had to know why you took some annual leave?
Would you be honestly ok with that? Personally I'd be calling the police and getting HR involved. It sounds as if you've been lucky not to lose your job- but there's still time for that if you don't take active steps to stop this.

Abbi, this man will probably know how you feel and will have told his partner. It's not nice knowing that every day there's someone like you in work with him. I don't mean that to sound bitchy. I'd concentrate on living and enjoying your life. The title of your post suffering, unrequited and infatuation are not words that you want to live your life with. Easier said than done I know.

Op, you sound like a stalker. The man in question most likely took time off work to get away from your unhealthy with him. Hth.

Oop, unhealthy obsession with him...there you go..

I think you need to put yourself in the future for a moment. Put yourself in the position of this all being found out. Imagine how mortified you would be. Use the fear of those feelings to help you keep your distance from this man.

You are acting like a stalker. This man is in a relationship. If he was as taken with you as you are him he would have ended that relationship and made his feelings clear. I'm sorry, that just isn't the case. You need to look into options to distance yourself further. can you transfer within your job? This could cause your career to crash and burn if you don't get it under control.

Yep, a grip is precisely what is needed here-you are stalking him & are now at risk of losing your job.
He is probably on leave to spend time with his partner.
Think about new employment maybe?

If this man knows that you are obsessed with him, there is a chance that even if nobody finds out about the attempted hacking, your reputation at work could be at risk. You don't know who he is really, or what he is like. He could be laughing to his colleagues about how nuts you are, either as an ego boost for himself or just a funny blokey story to tell. One of my friends obsessions ended when she went to have a 'friendly' chat to him in his office and he, in front of everyone, obviously at the end of his teather told her to leave him alone in less than polite terms. He is now very high up in the company as he's been promoted many times in the 8 years since. She eventually had to leave after being passed over for promotion several times. No one knows why this is, but its not beyond the realms of possibility that she had a reputation for being a bit unhinged due to her behaviour.

If it's an infatuation of course it's unrequited.

Abbi67 "Any other suggestions, or just some harsh words about how stupid I'm being, would be useful."

You asked for harsh words! You got some, and now you're complaining!??

OP - it's clear you know this needs to stop, but, just to reiterate, hacking into his email is going too far - that is stalking behaviour and it's illegal for a reason.

How can you stop?

1. As people are saying, focus really hard on how embarrassing and potentially career destroying this would be if he found out. Limerence thrives on the possibility, however delusional, of reciprocation. But, rationally, you know that if he found out he would be shocked or amused and it would be hideously awkward. Try to really visualise that.

2. In my experience, that kind of excessive emotion is not really about the person, it's about you. It probably stems from emotional needs of yours that aren't being, or haven't been, met. Consider - MN cliche alert - counselling, or anything that can make you think through what the hurt is in you which makes you need to project like this. Or what you can do in your life that would give you real emotional satisfaction, rather than this messy fantasy.

The stuff you're doing would be a horrible thing to do even to someone you really disliked, why would you do that to someone you say you like?

I'm not sure what helpful comments you are hoping for, there is only one option here - stop. Just stop. You are in control of your limbs even if not your thoughts.

Abbi - get some distance. Also, it wouldn't be OTT to talk to a therapist about this. It really is unhinged behaviour - as you know - and it will have its roots in something. I had a massive and wholly inappropriate crush on someone once - he was single but he was so not interested. Looking back, it was transference. I already knew and liked him but fell for him after a family member I loved died. The person I got a crush on had lots of similarities with the person who had died and I was trying to keep them alive in my mind. You say you fell for him when he was very understanding about difficult stuff. Perhaps you should look back at that situation and why you were so particularly grateful for and in need of support then. There will be some relevance there.

The only way I got over it was to go away for a long holiday, change jobs and go out with someone else. That worked very well. But it did need drastic action.

OP. There are not a lot of helpful options we can give you. This is seriously unacceptable behaviour. And you don't seem to grasp that.

Coming on here and being sanctimonious about comments that you could choose to ignore shows me how little you actually have on your problem. You're a stalker. You're at risk of destroying your professional reputation. You need to stop and focus on steps to stopping (getting thee to a counsellor pronto would be a first step).

I sound abrupt, but it riles me that someone doing what you are doing thinks they have the right to come on here and chastise posters. You need a reality check OP and really take a long look at your actions. Because in your shoes I'd be reading some of these posts and thinking 'holy shit'. I really wouldn't care less about a handful of other posts. focus on your priority and realise just how utterly wrong your current actions are.

I would be surprised if he hadn't picked up on your weird behaviour (I'm sorry but this is what it is). You need to:

1. get your CV up-together
2. identify recruitment companies in your industry
3. job hunt, hard
4. stop making excuses and do 1,2 & 3

You will be unemployed with a fucked reference if you continue down this road. No one will employ you if 'stalking a work colleague' - which you are now doing - is why you are sacked.

5. get a grip ... I think you have a finger on the grip as posting this tells me you know this is not acceptable, now you need to grab it.

Abbi

Hacking into a colleague's work email, is serious, obsessive, I would even say irrational behaviour. I think you need to make an appointment with a therapist. The connection you have with your work colleague is unhealthy.

Abbi, I don't think anyone has mentioned this yet but please block him on all your social media so you can't stalk him on FB etc, it's just adding to your obsession. Do it tonight, please. Also, some sites show who has looked at your page (LinkedIn) or if you accidentally like a photo or something he will know what you're doing and will definitely think you're unhinged. FWIW, I felt better (after a couple of weeks) once I'd blocked an ex and couldn't see -stalk what he was up to with new GF.

I'm sorry you're feeling like this. It's shit. I know you know you need to stop but it's also very hard. Small steps - no more hacking work emails, check your conduct and body language at work until you can get some leave/holiday, block social media.

Quite agree with other posters about counselling and dealing with any underlying psychological issues. Can you speak to your GP about NHS provision or refer yourself to your local improving access to psychologic therapies (IAPT) service if private isn't an option?

Keep busy and distracted - go out with friends, go on dates. Sort of a "fake it to you make it" approach - do what you would be doing if you hadn't met him, IYSWIM. With any luck, over time he will be taking up less and less headspace and you won't have to distract yourself - you just wont think about so much.

I would also brush up my CV. It may be that the easiest way for you to deal with this is to get a new job away from him, as a PP did. It's extreme but you can't carry on as you are. You need a dignified exit with a good reference - that won't happen if you get caught hacking his emails or he complains about your behaviour.

Sorry about the long post. I hope it works out for all parties

it's all brain chemicals IMO .Agree with Af - tell yourself off sharply everytime it rears it's nobby head and it will die a sudden death. Thing is -do you really want to stop it?

This has happened to me and so I know it's hard. Get busy so that you don't have so much time to think about him. I would suggest you throw yourself into the online dating wholeheartedly, or get some new time consuming hobbies. You need to fill your head with other things. You might be ambivalent about giving up the fantasy, but motivate yourself by remembering that this can go nowhere except to make you miserable.

This is not normal if a man was stalking to this level would there be as many understanding sympathetic responses?with all respect I think you need to see a doctor about your mental health

mate, what you are doing is gross misconduct, bordering on illegal, and creepy as hell. Youve got a crush on an unavailable colleague. Youre going to have some serious fall-out coming your way if you dont just stop it.

Youve written your post as though youre a victim of someone making you behave that way. You are the only one who can control what YOU do, so take a bit of bloody ownership of your own behaviour