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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help I am suffering from an unrequited infatuation

106 replies

abbi67 · 05/11/2015 19:31

I've developed an inappropriate obsession with a male work colleague and am not sure how to make it stop. For years we were just mates, then we spent some time working on a project together and he was very understanding whilst I was going through a stressful work situation. Seeing this new side to him, and the fact that I've been single for far too long, meant I slowly started to developed feelings for him (basically started to fancy the pants off him). However, he has a DP so i never said / did anything and probably actually give off negative vibes to hide my feelings.

After the feelings developed I became jealous of him working closely with other female colleagues, became overly nosey about his life, and starting following his movements on social media very closely. This led to me feeling very guilty about the obsession and behaving quite weirdly around him. At the moment I'm keeping my distance from him but I am still obsessed with where he is, what he's doing etc. I've even attempted to log into his work email account to find out why he's on annual leave.

This all makes me sound like a hormonal schoolgirl but in fact I'm in my late 30s. I know that no contact would be the ideal way to go but I see him at work virtually every day, and every time I see him it sets off the god i really like you feelings again. I'm dabbling with OD, but no dates yet, to try and take my mind off it.

Any other suggestions, or just some harsh words about how stupid I'm being, would be useful.

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 05/11/2015 22:20

I just think you need a shag. Then you might get this taken man out of your system.

Vixxfacee · 05/11/2015 22:20

Grin x 100 at second post

AnnaMarlowe · 05/11/2015 22:22

Silver I'm not aware of this happening to any of my friends either, but perhaps it's just not the sort of thing one discusses. Either way, it sounds unpleasant and painful.

I hope we've been a bit helpful Abbi and that all the grips we are offering are useful. Smile

headexplodesbodyfreezes · 05/11/2015 22:26

I just think you need a shag. Then you might get this taken man out of your system.

This. Fastest way to get over one man etc. Stop dabbling with OD and just find another man to get under Grin

Seriously though, hacking his work email is way over the line and will get you sacked.

BitchPeas · 05/11/2015 22:33

You do need a shag, I agree. And a hobby. And a grip.

It's stalking, it a male colleague did this to me I'd call the police.

Thattimeofyearagain · 05/11/2015 22:39

Yup, concerning behaviour. Give your head a wobble op.

PepperThePrepper · 05/11/2015 22:43

Banshee, I think you need to get a grip.

MorrisZapp · 05/11/2015 22:53

Fwiw I think 'get a grip' in this case is fair advice.

'Get a fucking grip' is rude and uncalled for.

Op, you know you have to get a grip, your job is at stake. Or, 'at fucking stake', if you want extra 'honesty'.

MorrisZapp · 05/11/2015 22:55

Also what bitchpeas said, getting a date/ shag with an available man will do wonders for your perspective on Brian from IT.

Original poster
abbi67 · 05/11/2015 23:14

Can I just say that the get a grip posts are not really helpful. I know I need to get a grip, I wouldn't have posted on here if i thought my behaviour was normal. Thanks to those of you who have pointed out that I am potentially putting my job and professional reputation on the line: this is the kind of constructive tough talk i needed to read. And also thanks to those who have compassionately said that they can understand my situation.

OP posts:
Sweetsweetjane · 05/11/2015 23:18

To be fair to anyfucker, the op did specifically request harsh words.
Anyfucker, I know you do not need defending.

Thattimeofyearagain · 05/11/2015 23:19

Ok op, imagine it's your best friend telling you about her crush, what constructive advice would you give her?

headexplodesbodyfreezes · 05/11/2015 23:22

You aren't potentially putting your job and professional reputation on the line. You have already put them on the line.

What you are doing is likely to be considered sexual harassment at work.

Does that help?

RedF0x · 05/11/2015 23:28

He can't be unaware of how you feel, and he hasn't done anything about it. he's still with his partner. Painful, but think about that too.

I agree, go out, go mad, and forget about him. It's a bit like the aesop's fable of the fox and the sour grapes, but use that feeling to make you go off him, I can MAKE myself go off somebody.

IamaBluebird · 05/11/2015 23:52

I wish Anyfucker had been able to tell the woman who developed a crush on my dh to get a grip. We have a good marriage but her actions caused me a lot of pain.

HellesBelles01 · 06/11/2015 00:00

Abbi, is there any way you can take annual leave for a week, as soon as possible? As said up thread, crushes are common but fade in time (although I understand how intense it is in the middle of one).

I really think a period of not seeing him at all, and having no means of contact with him, might help you to put your feelings in perspective and reduce the intensity. I know it's a tricky time of year and you may have rotas, be saving leave etc, but given the potential consequences of your actions, I think on balance it's worth it.

Have you got someone in RL, that's completely separate from work, you could talk to? Saying how you feel out loud and getting a RL response will feel different to discussing it on an anonymous forum and might give you a different perspective. Buy them gin and dinner and get if off your chest...but only on one occasion. After that, I'm with the PP up thread - put your energy in OLD/hobbies/whatever and get that date shag

magiccatlitter · 06/11/2015 00:16

I'm somewhat newish around here but definitely an AF fan.

OP the thoughts you are having are just that, thoughts. They come and go and you certainly don't act on every thought you have.

TooSassy · 06/11/2015 01:07

banshee are you on some sort of AF bully trail? What's your gripe?

The reality is had this been a guy posting similar about a woman then this thread would have been very different. And responses would have been far harsher. That sometimes really gets my goat on these threads. Either women want equality or they don't. If we want it then be prepared for a little more straight talking.

OP. You do need to get a grip. And go see someone about it. This is not normal behaviour at any stage in your life. Logging into someone's work email is a HUGE personal violation. And utterly utterly indefensible.

Screaminlikeabanshee · 06/11/2015 07:42

To all those defending Anyfuckers comments, it just goes to show the pack mentality on MN, sometimes people just can't to think for the themselves. That you seriously cannot see anything wrong with what she posted. An aggressive and pointless post to the OP. Yes OP needs to get a grip, she clearly knows that which is why she has posted and many have given good constructive advise. if she could just," get a fucking grip" she would have!

But it seems there are many here enamoured by Anyfucker judging by the Pompom waving and other simpering comments. I'm sure one her fans will post next to say, 'reporting' this post.

TooSassy · 06/11/2015 07:47

No pack mentality from me.

If I thought AF's comments were out of line I would say so too. I have a brain, I use it.

I take more issue with the fact that you are like a dog with a bone and won't let it go. Throughout the thread. Turning it into a total thread hijack. Call a poster out for their comment. Make your opinion known. And move on. The fact that you don't is what I have a problem with.

Now can we stop talking about AF and allow everyone to focus back on the OP. You of course are welcome to keep banging on about it, I just plan to ignore you

IrenetheQuaint · 06/11/2015 07:59

I find the term limerence very useful for describing agonising unrequited love of the type the OP is suffering. I had a couple of similar attacks in my 20s (no email hacking but I did check out the love object's wall planner quite frequently) and they lasted 2-3 years each and took over about 70% of my brain during that time.

Totally different to a lightweight enjoyable crush which adds a bit of colour to one's day but is utterly harmless.

OP - do remember that you don't know this man well at all. Your imagination is doing it all for you.

Chillyegg · 06/11/2015 08:16

Oh bore of banshee!
I don't do fan groups or whatever, I just think the op does need a grip! Not really bothered if anyone likes me on munsnet because we you know its not real life so why you think people saying get a grio are in a aimperinh fan club is beyond me.
Fair enough make your opinion known but stop going on and being unconstructive.

Chillyegg · 06/11/2015 08:18

God I hate autocorrect!
Need to figure out how to turn it of!
Sigh

OTheHugeManatee · 06/11/2015 08:24

I would ask yourself what it is that's making you choose an object of desire who is unavailable rather than looking for a mutual relationship. The root of your crush is there. Are you afraid of intimacy? Had your heart broken recently? Worried you're unlovable? Yea your behaviour is extreme but it helps to think about it as a displacement activity to protect you from actually falling in love rather than actual love.

justgoandgetalife · 06/11/2015 10:22

Like it or not, anyfucker often speaks truth grasshopper.