Help I am suffering from an unrequited infatuation

[abbi67]

I've developed an inappropriate obsession with a male work colleague and am not sure how to make it stop. For years we were just mates, then we spent some time working on a project together and he was very understanding whilst I was going through a stressful work situation. Seeing this new side to him, and the fact that I've been single for far too long, meant I slowly started to developed feelings for him (basically started to fancy the pants off him). However, he has a DP so i never said / did anything and probably actually give off negative vibes to hide my feelings.

After the feelings developed I became jealous of him working closely with other female colleagues, became overly nosey about his life, and starting following his movements on social media very closely. This led to me feeling very guilty about the obsession and behaving quite weirdly around him. At the moment I'm keeping my distance from him but I am still obsessed with where he is, what he's doing etc. I've even attempted to log into his work email account to find out why he's on annual leave.

This all makes me sound like a hormonal schoolgirl but in fact I'm in my late 30s. I know that no contact would be the ideal way to go but I see him at work virtually every day, and every time I see him it sets off the god i really like you feelings again. I'm dabbling with OD, but no dates yet, to try and take my mind off it.

Any other suggestions, or just some harsh words about how stupid I'm being, would be useful.

I can't believe someone would try to log into a colleague's work emails. Well maybe on MN

That's illegal, unprofessional, extraordinary ... I mean, just wrong on every level.

I agree the OP needs a very big shock. AnyFucker is right.

There can't be any person alive who has not had a crush on someone inappropriate - either you or they are currently in a relationship, not reciprocated, or for whatever reason?

There's no magic wave of a wand, you really have to grit your teeth and get over it.

Maryz She is suffering because she recognises her behaviour is unacceptable. She is clearly embarrassed by it but struggling to stop. This is why people post on MN to get help, they can post about their basest desires and receive constructive advise. The operative being 'constructive'. Not gobby shite from posters who think they own MN.

Right. Firstly, if I see the word limerence ever again... it's ridiculous and self indulgent nonsense and talking about it only reifies it.

Totally this. It's not 'limerance' (why people are so keen to pathologise everything I do not know), it's an unrequited crush which we all have and get over. The OP is behaving badly, endangering her job and needs to get a grip. AF is completely right.

Everyone has crushes don't they? The last crush that turned me in to a knob happened when I was 16.

AnyFucker how I've missed you! Honest as always.

Seriously, you do need to just take a step back, accept he isn't yours & get on with your life. I've come out of a similar situation - he is now with a friend's daughter (sic) & I am very happy to see them so happy. He is still a friend and the fact that I see him less now he's in a relationship actually helps me to see how f'g stupid I was ever to be infatuated with him. No way I could live with him & he certainly wouldn't have even considered it. Still a cute guy but ego the size of a planet!

I think you need to set yourself some boundaries and stick to them. I'm in a similar situation in that I fancy one of my colleagues - but - there is no way I would consider stalking online or invading someone's privacy by trying to break into their email - this is crossing a line!

You need to stop stalking him online now as this is only fuelling your obsession and please please back away from trying to hack his work email. Not only is extremely unprofessional but it is also probably a misconduct which could have serious repercussions and reputational impact for you.

If you can't stop this behaviour you need to consider how to physically remove yourself from the situation (move jobs, delete online accounts etc) before he either finds out and reports you or you do something which you may regret - both of which will exactly be the basis for a budding romance.

I think anyone NOT encouraging the OP to 'get a grip' or otherwise stop this behaviour is doing her a disservice, all the way to her P45 through her letterbox.

Any other suggestions, or just some harsh words about how stupid I'm being, would be useful.

Seems to me that AF is giving the op exactly what she asked for.

Any other suggestions, or just some harsh words about how stupid I'm being, would be useful.

Banshee, the OP asked for frank feedback and AF gave it. And the comment about thinking she owns MN is ludicrous. Presumably AF isn't Justine so is well aware she doesn't own MN. However she is entitled to post her opinion on an open forum. Calling someone a gobby shite is hardly constructive either is it.

I think it would help if she saw this from how it seems from the outside. Cyberstalking an unavailable colleague to the extent of hacking a work computer (gross misconduct, instant sack in many workplaces) is not a type of behaviour to be indulged.

Yes, crushes are enjoyable. This is however not a crush occupying a bit too much head space. it's tipped into weird stalker action. And she needs to cut it out.

So she does need to get a grip of her actions. Minimise contact at work, polish off CV and consider new posts. Put a bit more effort into OLD rather than just 'dabbling'. Or even go for the ages-old advice of looking for a new hobby/class/sport where you will meet people, make new friends, possibly meet single, available men.

Or at least give you something to think about other than him.

(just gone away on leave, can't talk to him in the workplace, so next best is to talk about him here?)

And anyway screaminlikeabanshee, the op asked for harsh words. Cos she knows she's being a lemon and needs to get a grip.

Lucky you if you've not had limerence. Nothing lovely about it, nothing enjoyable , extremely painful.

Don't know why you haven't come back op.

"all been there" really? perhaps in terms of having had an unrequited crush on someone - god yes, have been there. But stalking them online/hacking into their work emails? err - no.

If someone on here was posting that they were being followed in this way by a colleague people would be encouraging them to go to the police. The op doesn't need support she needs a bloody slap.

And if I found out that someone was stalking my dp in this way then "get a fucking grip" wouldn't be half of what I wanted to say/do to her.

Oh ffs she does need to get a grip!

If this was a bloke we'd all be clutching our pearls and proclaiming that the op should leave the poor woman alone or one of us will call the police etc.
To hack into someone's work email is just wrong.
Only helpful suggestion I have is to ignore him and concentrate on his negatives as in does he wear terrible ties?
Also when the fuck has said any fucker thinks she owns the place. ....only one being a bit gobby is me

Sorry OP I'm in the 'get a grip' camp.
You are actually breaking the law, at a minimum you would lose your job if found trying to hack into his work computer.
Do yourself a favour, block him on any form of social media and concentrate on your own work, not on who he's working with.
Jus think - what if he notices and goes home laughing to his DP about that weirdo in work?

Screamin you are derailing the thread with personal attacks on another poster. Please stop now.

Silver I'm alive. I have never had an inappropriate crush on someone unavailable. I don't agree that this behaviour is that common.

abbi I'm sorry you feel bad. You do need to get a grip.

Try this. Close your eyes. Imagine your boss approaching you with someone from IT security. Imagine being taken into an office an interviewed for gross misconduct. Imagine everyone finding out: colleagues; friends; family. Imagine him finding out. Imagine what he would think of you, imagine the conversation he'd have with his DP about you.

No one would ever look at you, or think about you in quite the same way again.

Think about the impact that would have on your life.

All for a man who doesn't want you. Who loves someone else.

Right now, however painful it is, you've got away with it so far, even though you've crossed several boundaries of acceptable behaviour.

But if you continue, other people will find out.

You can't help how you feel. You absolutely can help how you behave.

Good luck.

Ann I think you'll find the thread was carrying on quite nicely until YOU popped in.

I've never heard of limerance but I've known many people who have brief periods of complete idiocy and That's where you appear to be now.

You do need to find something else to make you less bored - you can do it, imagine the shame if people suss you out.

Screamin are you new? You don't seem to get how this works.

Or did you just name change today to be nasty to AF?

Apologies everyone.

Well Anna I think you are in a small minority and I think 'get a grip' is the best advice for the OP.