Flying monkeys

[Chamonix1]

It's been 10 days since either me or dp have had contact with his toxic parents, of which we have had a huge bust up with, due to dp making 1 almost negative comment to his mother and his father going crazy over it because she cried all day, thus resulting in an angry fil at the door at 8.30 at night whilst we had friends round telling dp that he had "upset his mother" blah blah blah and she was destraught blah blah blah. Basically I lost it and told fil they need to back off and that dp had hardly said anything worth all the drama and he was an adult who has an opinion; so what?
Fil then took it further telling me to wind my neck in, asking me if I'd taken all my "medication", telling me to watch out and throwing the whole "blood is thicker than water" crap at me. I'm not going to lie, I was pretty blunt with him and told him dp feels trodden on by him and his wife, that we have tried beyond belief to get along with them and that it was never enough, I got upset and I cried whilst fil laughed at me telling me I was crazy.
Dp then told his farther via email he wasn't welcome at our wedding, very simply that he didn't feel it was appropriate considering how little he thought of his future wife etc, fil responded being all nicely saying it was up to dp, but he should think carefully about his decision to marry me, referring back to the things I said to fil. He genuinely believed that because I had had 1 fall out with him that dp would leave me!
Now we have in laws next door neighbour calling up telling us that dps parents are very "disappointed" and asking to come round and speak to dp, of which he's allowed!
I'm devestated that this is continuing and that it's only taken 10 days for this to happen, how predictable. Dp feels he needs to stick up for me so people don't believe what his parents are telling them, I feel it's pointless and defending ourselves in this situation will get us nowhere, his parents are using these people as a tactic to et to dp.
I'm fuming, I feel like ringing the in laws up to tell them to stop involving other people in it but I know it'll get me nowhere.
What do I do? Right now I just want to move house!!

And the apology needs to be heart felt where he takes 100% of the blame. Where he acknowledges the way he made you feel and promises never to do it again.

He also needs to get in touch with ALL the friends and relatives he has complained about you to, admit what he did, take all the blame for it and exonerate you from all wrong doing. He also has to ensure that he doesn't insinuate that he is being forced to do that in order to come to the wedding.

I bet you he won't.

Remember! Actions speak louder than words. Coming to you and mumbling an apology will not cut it.

Chamonix

These people are not rational and never will be as long as they are alive, you are still thinking like a person from a normal emotionally healthy family would behave and that is your mistake here. They are not and have never been emotionally healthy, the rule book gets well and truly thrown out when it comes to such dysfunctional families.

Are they still going to have your DD for the 3 hours over the weekend?. I sincerely hope not because that is something else you will bitterly regret ever doing as well.

I hope too he was told not to bother turning up at your house. His "apology" will be just that in quote marks; he will say anything to bring you both back into line. He will not ultimately do anything.

Your fiancé now has a choice to make; I do wonder if he is strong enough to actually make a clean break from his parents ultimately. I still think he is far more afraid of them that he ever would be of you and dare not upset them. Part of him perhaps also wonders how the hell it came to this now between his family of origin and his own unit now. He is involved and has to be involved now; he cannot bury his head in the sand any more. His inertia to date has basically hurt his own family i.e. you and your child.

Basically PIL are not bothered in the SLIGHTEST about making it up with their son.
I told fil to not bother apologising, I don't accept insincere apologies and that you don't make up things like they have, spread it around those closest to your son and then expect an apology 3 days later to fix anything. I told PIL they've hurt their son, really hurt their son and they need to apologise to him.
They completely ignored all that and said they'd pick dd up on Saturday.
Little do they know they won't be and dp is waiting for some sort of relocation to occur between now and Friday or else he's telling them if they have no regard for their sons feelings even when being told exactly how he feels because of his parents they are healthy and can't be around dd.
My eyes are all swallow and puffy, keep having panic attacks and being sick, can't eat (never happens) I don't know how dp is holding his sh*t together.
I know I'm meant to be strong for him but I'm a fucking mess.
My bridesmaid came over last night, took one look at me and thought I was sick, then asked what an earth had happened. Going to look like I've been dragged through a bush backwards on the wedding day at this rate.
His parents are a special breed of asshole.

Not relocation!!! Revolution *
fat fingers

You will look radiant. Why?

By Saturday night, when you are all 3 watching Strictly at Blackpool, this will be resolved.

No revolution will happen.
Your DP will have a couple of hours of anger, turmoil and then sad resignation.
You 2 may have angry words, he may still mistakenly believe they have rights, you will show him they don't
He may cry buckets as he comes to that realisation.
You 2 will calm down and fully accept, it is them, not you
One of you will grab your favourite take away and you will all snuggle down for the night.

Sunday morning you can start your wedding countdown, joyously

I absolutely, cross my heart, promise... it can happen

Who are these "everyone" you keep talking about. His parents are toxic through and through, no doubt about that. But it sounds like they're spreading it through 6 people. So what?! Six people in a world full of people is not everyone. And if 4 of those people choose to believe the poison coming out of his parents mouths than they're not the kind of people I'd want to be around or have around my family either.

There is a lifetime, a marriage full of people who will come and go from your lives, many of whom will care for you, like you, even love you. Why worry about 6 people? Don't let them get to you. This is the beginning of the rest of your lives. Leave them in their lala land, and anyone who chooses to believe their words and look forward to a life full of people who'll genuinely care about you both.

I know it's hard (I did it myself) but try to put them and their pettiness aside. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Be polite but distant. And don't let them control your own, or your DPs, happiness.

Sorry- by everyone I meant the entire of dp's family.
To me it's nobody to be honest- as I have a huge amazing family who I love dearly, but to do its everyone apart from me and dd.
Hopefully he will feel my family is his family too one day.
I'm having trouble accepting they so readily "let their son go" (have chosen to ignore rather than fix and just want to see dd whilst treading all over their sons feelings)
But that's because A) I'm normal and B) I'm a parent now too and couldn't ever do this to my child

Oh I wasn't meaning to be snippy... I just meant from your posts it appears to be a really small amount of people. I think you said PIL, Godparents and an auntie... For the sake of both your DPs and your own happiness, I think if the worst comes to the worst and none of them go, and they cut you off, you need to remember they're a really small amount of people to lose. And if they're that easily lost, they were probably never fully invested in the first place.

You can and WILL be happy whether they're in your lives or not. Please don't let this ruin your big day or the run up. They're all being pathetic and acting worse than children. Leave them to it.

Perhaps you and DD should go out on Saturday so there is no chance at all that FIL can take her. That might make it easier for your DP.

Your DP needs to draw a clear line with them right NOW. The message is one way and reads:

You are all now NC with them as their behaviour is unforgivable. This means that you have blocked all communication channels, they will not see DD and will not attend the wedding.

YOU should not be in any sort of communication with them - it is just handing them ammunition.

What is you DH doing?

Could your DD go to your parents or other family on Saturday so you can face the in laws together? Or better still is he going to text them and cancel the arrangement?

Neither of you are strong enough emotionally to at all meet with these people, any meeting with his dad will likely end acrimoniously and see the two of you come off far worse.

If all of your man's family decide to cut him off then then they as people are not worth knowing. Family are not binding. This behaviour from his parents is par for the course re such narcissistic toxic people.

The arrangement for them to see their grandchild needs to be cancelled forthwith. He needs to cancel it if he has not already done so.

You cannot apply normal rules of social engagement to such people because they are toxic; they see any contact from you as a weakness to further exploit and use against you. It is indeed a hard lesson to learn.

I would say take OFF the white coat immediately and burn it!!! You are NOT their doctor.

They may or may not have mental health issues, but that's not an excuse for what they are doing. It's just NOT. It really annoys me when people try and be all liberal and understanding by assigning cruel and hideous behaviour to 'they can't help it they've got mental health problems'. It's really demeaning to those who actually have mental health problems and manage to behave kindly towards others. We really like to blame everything on illness for some reason... but you know what? Sometimes people are nasty, mean and selfish. Not poorly. And the other bit that I find unhelpful about the mental health narrative... These people don't want to get better, they are t seeking diagnosis, treatment, help. So yes, they may well be damaged, may well have things in their past that could be used to explain how they've become the warped and nasty people they are today but it's not an excuse or liscence to be a monster. And it's also not a forgone conclusion, how many other people have terrible things happen yet don't turn into cruel and manipulative power crazed aggressors?!

I'm not annoyed with you by the way! It's the unhelpful advice you're being given which leaves you as the in laws whipping boy, encourages your DP to not rise to his own protection, or yours, or his children. Without meaning to, people are assigned one rule to you, and another to the in laws. Forcing you be be the adult and not allowing you to react to the hurt and cruelty, and giving you no way out of the in laws control and dominance.

So I'd say a big fat NO to rising above it, trying to manage it, sacrificing yourself for some woolly notion of DP and DC needing a relationship with these poisonous horrible people.... All for what?!

Get the white coat off, and the wedding dress on.

I'd start showing your hurt, your vulnerability, your bewildered confusion and upset that people would behave like this.

Your feelings count. you count. And it's high time your DP stopped wallowing or getting caught up in his hurt. Yes it's awful but it's really awful for you too. And people need to STOP excusing the nastiness, and START being kind to you.

Or I may get very cross with them all on your behalf :)

The reason I'm so cross by he way is that my parents/ mother (not in laws) is highly toxic and has ruined decades of my life... Whilst other people helped keep me in the firing line and the status quo the same. They would probably be upset to realise that and try and shuffle away from any responsibility for the situation, but really, it's the people around them that allows these cruel and damaged people to cause so much damage and devastation. You wouldn't allow a child to rule the country right? So why do we let incapable and unpleasant people rule families lives?

Protect your DC absolutely, but also protect yourself. You are important and you matter. I really don't like the way that you are getting lost in this mess.

completely agree with everything miscAssortment wrote. Every word.

How are you doing OP?

Is it your wedding this weekend?

I hope that you have the love and support from kind F&F to see off this toxicity