Flying monkeys

[Chamonix1]

It's been 10 days since either me or dp have had contact with his toxic parents, of which we have had a huge bust up with, due to dp making 1 almost negative comment to his mother and his father going crazy over it because she cried all day, thus resulting in an angry fil at the door at 8.30 at night whilst we had friends round telling dp that he had "upset his mother" blah blah blah and she was destraught blah blah blah. Basically I lost it and told fil they need to back off and that dp had hardly said anything worth all the drama and he was an adult who has an opinion; so what?
Fil then took it further telling me to wind my neck in, asking me if I'd taken all my "medication", telling me to watch out and throwing the whole "blood is thicker than water" crap at me. I'm not going to lie, I was pretty blunt with him and told him dp feels trodden on by him and his wife, that we have tried beyond belief to get along with them and that it was never enough, I got upset and I cried whilst fil laughed at me telling me I was crazy.
Dp then told his farther via email he wasn't welcome at our wedding, very simply that he didn't feel it was appropriate considering how little he thought of his future wife etc, fil responded being all nicely saying it was up to dp, but he should think carefully about his decision to marry me, referring back to the things I said to fil. He genuinely believed that because I had had 1 fall out with him that dp would leave me!
Now we have in laws next door neighbour calling up telling us that dps parents are very "disappointed" and asking to come round and speak to dp, of which he's allowed!
I'm devestated that this is continuing and that it's only taken 10 days for this to happen, how predictable. Dp feels he needs to stick up for me so people don't believe what his parents are telling them, I feel it's pointless and defending ourselves in this situation will get us nowhere, his parents are using these people as a tactic to et to dp.
I'm fuming, I feel like ringing the in laws up to tell them to stop involving other people in it but I know it'll get me nowhere.
What do I do? Right now I just want to move house!!

I've said things along those lines, that if I felt we could achieve anything before the wedding or that his parents would ever admit they've done wrong and genuinely want to change that I'd help him fix this. He understands and the rational side of him knows that. But understandably he wants to shake his parents, tell them he's hurt and that he can't believe they can't we why the things hey be said and done warrants an apology.
I feel sorry for him I really do but after so long I'm running out of patience with this horrible cycle of events and nasty bahaviour from them. I find their expectations exhausting to keep up with and I've really had enough.

You need to ask him to draw a line under it right now and make a choice - he has two options at this point: They basically involve choosing your relationship OR his relationship with his parents. He cant have both - they are determined to destroy your relationship.

either....
STATUS QUO: Re-invite them - let them win. There will be no apology and they will milk the situation with other people (as they have already started to do). Expect more of the same for the rest of your lives. Maybe you can take on the fight after you are married? But expect sneering, smugness and any other combination of hideous behaviour to blight and ruin your wedding day.

or.....
CHOOSE YOUR FUTURE: Carry on with the plans for your day as they are and your marriage. You have support form rational people who are close to the situation and see what is happening (you family, his auntie).

He needs to go through the pain of NC/LC, anticipating their sabotaging attacks along the way -- and being ready to deal with them.

He should not assume his pain is because he is missing them - he is mourning what he never had - and will never have. He just needs to decide if it will continue to blight his life going forward.

You are being very patient - he needs counselling

Chamonix

What Mulranna said. If your man decides to let his parents in at all now they will continue to ruin your day to lives after your wedding day as well.

What he wants from them (i.e. an apology) will not ever happen. Such disordered people like his parents actually never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

Your man needs to read Toxic Parents as a starting point as well as seeking out a therapist asap (preferably a therapist too who has no bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment).

I think the problem is he's still in this phase where he knows they are unhealthy but is still grieving the parents he never had. He's worried that making the decision to not have them at the wedding although makes sense will be regretted in the future IF his parents suddenly morph into wonderful, supportive people! He's also worried that there's no going back from them not coming and the decision he makes now will be final pretty much.
I've asked him to try and draw a line under it for now but I know he so desperately wants a pair of normal, loving and supportive parents at his wedding. It's a shame he hasn't got that.

Chamonix - are you prepared to handle their bad behaviour at YOUR wedding?

Would you be resentful of HIM if they came and behaved badly (which they will)?

This is the dynamic that will be continue to be created by them and will poison your relationship.

If he is unable to see it quite yet - what more does he need from them ? To ruin your wedding day for BOTH of you.

It is one day. YOUR day. They wont be missed.

As he is unable to see it - where many others can - maybe on this occassion you should call the shots - in his best interests and yours.

Goodness no, I couldn't even look at them let alone handle their behaviour. They've made themselves pretty clear- they dislike me (was news to me) and have no respect for their son, why they'd even want to come to the wedding is beyond me because they don't support us at all.
I guess I'll just have to hope that dp has forgotten about trying to get an apology (it seems he may of for now).
Feel genuinely sick from all this, ended up looking forward for the wedding to be over which is such a shame.

For you both it is the single most important day of your lives - you need to ensure that hey dont ruin it - for them it is just another day - of many - where they will enforce their will and bad behaviour.

Your OH will thank you for this one day.

Missing out might even teach them the lesson that they need to learn - but I doubt it - they cant see that they have done any wrong and will never see it.

Their main objective is to split you up -- everything that they do, say and feel is aimed at that - and that is the poison they will be dripping into your wedding day.

Stand firm - decide today - both of you together that they are not coming and then -- block any thoughts (due to FOG fear, obligation, guilt) of their toxic nonsense.

I really feel for you. I have a lovely friend like this, brought up by a narcissistic mother and enabler father. Her mother told her she never wanted a girl, favoured the brother, he will get all her jewellery for his children, etc. Absolute bitch. The mother is in hospital now and my poor friend still feels compelled to visit and receive more bullshit from her. Never thanked for going, asked how she is, just moaned at and criticised. She says she goes for her fathers sake. I tell her he's enabled the bloody behaviour and she should cut them off. She actually says she feels guilty for not caring more about her mother. This is the effect she's had on her.

In fact my friend predicted the hospital stay. She was due to go on holiday and said she thought her mother would cook something up to make her feel guilty for going away. She was right. Feigned collapse and now won't eat anything in hospital so they can't force her out yet. Everyone worried sick.

Please, please don't let your dh speak to these people before your wedding. Don't let them come. They will be awful to you and spoil everything. You know they will. Please don't let them spoil your wedding day.

...and expect a hospital/illness drama/crisis on your wedding day whether they are invited or not as an attempt to sabotage....

My MIL did this to her own daughter in July this year. My husband was giving SiL away - went round to collect MIL who was sprawled on the floor - said she had been there all night - so off to A&E in an ambulance...

I inisisted that DH leave the MIL at A&E once she was checked in (obviously there was no breaks or sprains) -- to make sure he got to wedding to give SiL away ... and he did - so although MIL achieved a partial sabotage - she did not have as much impact as she wanted as DH got to wedding in time...

He said that the first thought when he saw his DM on thr floor was that she had staged it....

Warn your DH that this will happen so he is prepared.

These people really are predicable.

They are telling everyone I've turned their son against them
That I've never liked them
That this is all my doing
I've just read texts that dp had with his aunt (he showed me) and she basically said she wasn't taking sides but this is what they've said
Basically it's all my fault
I'm Devestated
I have tried so hard
Spent so much time with them
With my mil alone
Made so much effort
Pretended to be something they wanted rather than what I was
And now they are doing this
Making it all my fault
I can't stop crying I'm so upset

They were bound to say that - it doesn't mean anyone believes them.

That is why they are toxic parents. They won't admit anything could be their fault - so obviously they blame you as that deflects the blame furthest from themselves (if they blame DH it might reflect badly on them as parents).

I didn't think I'd be so hurt

It's only natural to be hurt at such awful behaviour, especially when it comes from someone you're supposed to get on with. There is absolutely nothing you can do about it though. At least your dh is on your side and you have proof in the texts. Imagine if he agreed with them. Could be worse.

Their main objective is to split you up -- everything that they do, say and feel is aimed at that - and that is the poison they will be dripping into your wedding day.

These texts are great really -- written proof of what they are up to.

No one will believe what they are saying. All the good rational people know the truth.

I too made too much effort to please my MIL when all she wanted was me out of the picture. I am cross that it took me so long to go NC (31 years!!!).

Use these texts as your line in the sand. No going back. Feel justified, unburdoned and free. Please try to disengage and emotionally protect your self from these toxic people - and look forward to a fresh new start.

I'm worried they'll turn my dd against me on the future. They're so manipulative I'm scared if I don't let her see them they'll turn her against me should she choose to go and see them when she's older.
I'm so confused right now and tired and hurt.

Chamonix1 - why would she believe them over you? If you have always been good and caring to her, she will not believe some stranger over you. But you do need to tell her about them a bit as she grows older.

They really don't have that much power.

You could do with some counselling (as could your DP).

But don't let them spoil your wedding.

oh love. You are not alone in suffering at the hands of people like this. I had similar with a relative...when a friend of said relative met me for the first time, he said 'But but but you are normal!'. I said 'What did you expect?'. He replied 'A monster!', and he slowly realised the truth.

It took me a long long time to get over it properly and now I am at the stage I can laugh. You will get there and so will your DP.

They're so manipulative I'm scared if I don't let her see them they'll turn her against me should she choose to go and see them when she's older.

Oh dear, you've fallen into the trap of thinking the ILs are all powerful super beings not sad little inadequate fuckers picking on everyone.

If you let DD see them they will definitely try to turn her against you. That is for sure.

If she doesn't see them then they can't turn her against you. You can educate them about how to identify and deal with toxic people for when they do meet her.

I had to do this with my DC and my DM. They see right through her manipulations on the rare occasions they spend time with her or the flying monkeys. It's fine. They've learned useful life skills too.

I feel so alone, I feel like I've done something wrong here and I can't find where. I am starting to believe it's all my fault but from the first meeting with my in laws are realised there was a stranger dynamic between my dp and his parents.
I felt as if I was in the presence of someone powerful of which I couldn't offend because they were in control here.
I have tried for many years to please them instead of running in the opposite direction away from such dysfunctional beings.
I just want to move. But I'd be taking dd away from the loving family she has here.
I feel trapped and I feel strangely responsible.
I just wanted a normal happy family. I myself didn't see one set of grandparents due to their toxicity, I never blamed my mother as my grandfather was a cold and transparent man. I fear that my in laws are far more clever and know how to manipulate to such a level my dd would never see what I had a problem with.
I'm devestated and am dreading the wedding, I have a dark cloud having over me and only 2 weeks to get rid of it to enjoy our day.

How do I find a counsellor that understands these sort of people?

I've found one who seems to know a fair amount about NPD, but only does 1-1 sessions. Would it be worth dp going to him on his own and me if I feel it would benefit?

You need to make time and read those books. Also go to the stately homes thread, read it and look at the resources at the beginning.

You will be dealing with this dynamic your entire marriage, so work out how you are going to deal with it first.

Are you going to stand a united front with boundaries? If so, get reading. You will learn the script (and trust me, they all use the same tactics and after a while you can see them coming) you will learn how to put up boundaries and how to stick with them. Your dh will learn family dynamics and where he fits in them and you can look for a counsellor who does not hold onto keeping a family together at all costs.

Or you can ring, apologise and give in. Knowing that you will be doing that until they die.

But you to need to start reading, and make your decision now.

Don't want to sound harsh, and if you weren't getting married in two weeks I wouldn't be. But this is the rest of your life, and you need to know where you stand before start.

Counselling is great. Really worth it. Especially ones who don't push keeping families together despite abuse.

But this is a long process. You have two weeks to do some reading and get an idea of what you are in for either way

I was up until 2 reading the toxic in laws book, much of it is relatable.
I've woken up feeling sick and just can't stop crying.
The fact they are making everyone think I'm responsible for this hurts, so much. I don't know what to do anymore.

I wish I could offer some words of comfort. I have very toxic SILs so I can relate somewhat. It's a horrible way to live, always trying to guess their next move and being lied about to others. Best wishes.