Flying monkeys

[Chamonix1]

It's been 10 days since either me or dp have had contact with his toxic parents, of which we have had a huge bust up with, due to dp making 1 almost negative comment to his mother and his father going crazy over it because she cried all day, thus resulting in an angry fil at the door at 8.30 at night whilst we had friends round telling dp that he had "upset his mother" blah blah blah and she was destraught blah blah blah. Basically I lost it and told fil they need to back off and that dp had hardly said anything worth all the drama and he was an adult who has an opinion; so what?
Fil then took it further telling me to wind my neck in, asking me if I'd taken all my "medication", telling me to watch out and throwing the whole "blood is thicker than water" crap at me. I'm not going to lie, I was pretty blunt with him and told him dp feels trodden on by him and his wife, that we have tried beyond belief to get along with them and that it was never enough, I got upset and I cried whilst fil laughed at me telling me I was crazy.
Dp then told his farther via email he wasn't welcome at our wedding, very simply that he didn't feel it was appropriate considering how little he thought of his future wife etc, fil responded being all nicely saying it was up to dp, but he should think carefully about his decision to marry me, referring back to the things I said to fil. He genuinely believed that because I had had 1 fall out with him that dp would leave me!
Now we have in laws next door neighbour calling up telling us that dps parents are very "disappointed" and asking to come round and speak to dp, of which he's allowed!
I'm devestated that this is continuing and that it's only taken 10 days for this to happen, how predictable. Dp feels he needs to stick up for me so people don't believe what his parents are telling them, I feel it's pointless and defending ourselves in this situation will get us nowhere, his parents are using these people as a tactic to et to dp.
I'm fuming, I feel like ringing the in laws up to tell them to stop involving other people in it but I know it'll get me nowhere.
What do I do? Right now I just want to move house!!

Chamonix, I have known similar situations to yours where PIL are bullies in an aggressor-stooge pairing and I agree with Meerkat's view - the only sensible course for you (at least in the medium term) is for you to go NC with PIL.

The role of godparents is to support and encourage, and not to interfere like DP's godparents are doing. I think it very likely that in reality the godparents side with PIL, since they are bullied too, although they may seem to be presenting a conciliatory face to you right now.

FWIW, as a MIL myself I see my role as being supportive, reliable and non-interfering, and that should be your PIL's approach, OP, if they had any decency at all.

Morning, thanks for the further comments.
We have gone NC with PIL, we haven't heard from them personally since we/dp told them not to come to the wedding other than 1 email of which dp has not responded to.
I think that until dp has met with his godparents we can't 100% know their motives for coming round, however dp is going to nip any questions in the bud with "I wouldn't have cut contact with my own parents if they were the supportive, loving and accepting people they make out to be and that's all anyone needs to know".
We aren't going to feed the narcissistic supply, dp wants his godparents to know he isn't shutting them out and make it clear that the fallout with his parents needn't affect the relationship he has with his godparents and hopefully they'll accept that, if not they'll just have to leave minus the knowledge of the ins and outs of the problems we've had and feeling a little disappointed, that's really up to them.
Luckily for me, I'll be out having a dress fitting when they visit, I'd have real trouble not telling the godparents what assholes the in laws are.

It's really great that your DP is sticking up for himself and for you. Few children of narcissistic parents are able to do that; he's showing great courage and insight.

I had similar, and when my quasi-godparents came as "flying monkeys" because my mother went crying to them, I just stated my position calmly, and the godparents were in fact reassured, ready to see my pov and to let me make my own choices, and in fact came away from it questioning my mother's behaviour instead.

So I wanted to tell you that there is hope, and I do hope that your DP's godparents are similarly open-minded and respectful of his choices.

So dp decided not to have his godparents over and called them to let them know they're welcome over anytime but not with the intentions of speaking about the situation with his parents. He just said he had good reasons for his decision to not have his parents at the wedding, that he didn't want to go into great detail and pointed out that his father would never allow anyone to speak to his mother the way his father spoke to me.
Dps godfather said he knew how difficult his parents can be but used the whole "they are your parents" line, dp said it didn't excuse anything.
Dps godfather isn't coming to the wedding either now, such a shame. Dp will be lucky to have any family there at this rate. I know that makes him really sad even though he's trying to cover it. I feel like just saying it's all my fault so dps parents down alienate dp from everyone and take a huge chunk of guests away from dps half of the wedding but I'm not sure how far that would get me

Stand strong. Do not back track. You have made an important bid for freedom and normality. They will ruin your day. Now you are clear where everyone stands, you know who is coming and who isnt - so look forward to a day clear of these toxic people and one where you will be surrounded by the people who love you.

You do not need to spend your wedding day on eggshells with people sneering in the background ready to erupt and cause a scene.

They have lightened the load.

You dp has made good decisions - clear boundary that he would not be giving info - clear boundary dont come round if your only intention is to get involved - disappointing that they were not the bigger people and could not see that they were being used.

I have looney tunes MIL the same - I cut contact 10 months ago - best thing I ever did. I dont give any info to the flying monkeys - I assume that they dont realise that they have been groomed and used - sometimes I subtly point it out and they are embarrassed - never feed the monster with any info. I wish I was smart enough to have done it years ago.

All normal people (ie your family and friends) will know that she is a nutter - they will have seen her behaviour and have the measure of her -- you dont have to explain her to anyone - they can see it - all you need to say it it is difficult and private...

Good luck - enjoy your new found freedom

Maybe you should emphasie how he is creating a new family and the wedding celebrates that.

The only thing holding me back from caving and just fixing this by taking 100% of the blame is that it's not even about the wedding. It's our entire life. They tend to make it very difficult and we never seem to be enough, it's very tiring.
I'm also having panic attacks now, Whenever they pop into my mind, or when I'm driving home I just worry there will be a nasty letter through the door, or them waiting there, it's irrational but it's really bothering me, last night it just wouldn't go away!
Dp is very sad, not that they aren't coming to the wedding but is grieving the normal parents he never had.

You are right in that this has never been about the wedding. This has instead been about his parents wanting to have absolute say over all aspects of your lives.

These people are wearing; the best thing is to remain no contact with them.

Am sorry but not altogether surprised to read about his godparents. I would no longer bother with these flying monkeys.

His parents have caused all this by their very actions; it is NOT your fault or your man's they are like this. They are the ones at fault here though such people never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

Banish all such thoughts from your head re at all caving and fixing this by taking 100% of the blame. That is frankly stupid and will not solve anything either. You are blameless in all this and you yourself cannot fix what is really unfixable here i.e. his parents overbearing attitudes. Nor can either of you ever reason with his toxic and unreasonable (and that is an understatement) parents.

Any letters that are received from them should be shredded without reading. If they do turn up unannounced on your doorstep you do not have to let them in.

chamonix caving in and taking the blame for this won't be enough. As you clearly realise, this will go on and on and on.

They sound like they really dislike you and the only thing that will make them happy is if you and your partner split up ... and your DP has already made the decision on his own behalf that he wants v little to do with them.

Your PILs are forcing a choice here: you or them. Your husband is doing the right thing by choosing you. It's incredibly hard to stand up to the people who brought you up, when they are controlling and have conditioned you all your life. He's a man to be proud of!

I know, I'm not going to cave, I keep fighting the part of me that just forgives and tries to just get on with it. I think in normal circumstances/ family dynamics this works, and o have done it all my life just risen above and tried to be the better person and it's hard realising it's my the case here.
I lost my dad at a young age and I find it so sad that both dps parents live just around the corner yet we can't maintain a healthy relationship with them.

Also j can't understand why people who dislike me so much, would INSIST on having me around so much. With out dp too, mil always wanting to do X,y and z with me, getting offended the moment I can't etc. I've exhausted myself for years doing things I don't want to do, with someone who doesn't like me to keep them happy. It just doesn't make sense.

Its all image with such disordered of thinking people, image and artifice. They have never considered your own thoughts and feelings in all this, in their heads you are supposed to be and act like them.

You have both been used throughout as their narcissistic supply.

Very strange. I don't see why you'd ever insist on spending time with someone you dislike. What a waste of time, I feel exhausted from it all.
Here's to hoping they don't just turn up on the day of the wedding

Move house...far far far away. Go on a honeymoon and don't come back.
The attention has nothing to do with you. It is all about them and their supply and how they can use you for entertainment, ego boost, etc.

If a cardboard cut out of yourself attended them instead of you, do you think it would be a 'same as'? Yes. You are their sport. The wedding is Championship series...same as when/if a baby comes. The rest is day to day maintenance.

It is not going to change because they will not change. Only you and your (soon to be) dh can change how you react to it. It is really good that your dh can see that cutting contact with them is a good thing.

Well done on letting fil have it in the moment. That is great that you didn't freeze like I would have. But at the end of the day, that really doesn't accomplish anything either...because they will not take on board anyone's opinions. They believe that they are right and everyone else (on the whole planet) is wrong. Responding is just a waste of time/effort/emotional energy. They do not deserve any attention at all. Let them have the last word (very hard to do) as a function of 'speak to the hand because I'm not listening anymore'.

Best Wishes for your wedding day.

The way that a minority of people think is ... disordered, I think. For one reason or another (often due to childhood, but not always), emotional distress slowly curdles into anger and that spills over into malice. "Keeping up appearances" also seems to assume an importance that is quite disproportionate. Add a dose of professionally-offended tendancies and a need to control .... frankly you're best off not trying to understand, but backing away.

Dp is very sad, not that they aren't coming to the wedding but is grieving the normal parents he never had.

The grieving for the parents you didn't have is indeed a very sad process to go through, but so necessary to your husband's future happiness - just be there for him. IME having children also occasionally brings things to the fore - when my children have reached an age or stage which was memorably awful for me at the same age, it has stirred that sadness again. Conversely, the chance to do things differently/'right' with my own children has been very healing.

Something wonderful happened yesterday- we found out that dp's Aunty (fathers sister) and her family will be coming to the wedding!
We are so happy- especially dp, he explained everything to his Aunty who was appalled by her brother behaviour and is coming regardless. She asked if she could rind him up and have a moan, dp suggested it probably wouldn't do any good but I think fil will probably have got a blasting from his little sister.
It's so nice that SOMEONE from dps family will be there.
Still nothing from the narc and the enabler, I genuinely think they are waiting for an apology...
Dp is still sad his parents won't just see that maybe this time they need to say sorry, I think he's still hoping they will, I think hell would sooner freeze over.

That is great news that the auntie and family are coming - it shows that normal/everyday people can see it themselves also. Be careful about her going to FiL as you will just be a flying monkey as well. Also realistically these people don't change and I would not engage in any hopes or discussions of an apology as I fear it will be a game of cat and mouse - with the aim o manipulating you both before pulling out all the stops for an almighty drama on your wedding day. Please put them behind you - stop hoping they will be normal and see the light - they don't deserve to be part of your life and your wedding - they have behaved badly.....and will continue to do so - an apology now is too little too late and highly risky they will high jack and sabotage tie wedding marriage and life again - don't let it happen -

Dp wants to email his father. He's after an apology, recognition for his father behaviour and for him to take responsibility.
I just don't know what to tell dp, I've told him he won't get these and any apology is unlikely and even then not genuine.
Help me deal with this.
I don't want to stand in his way but know this will get him nowhere

His parents are telling everyone they are utterly devestated. I have to say if I was utterly devestated I'd been uninvited to my dd's wedding is do anything to fix it. Regardless of whether I felt o was in the right or in the wrong.
I don't understand how these people can be so ignorant they are torturing their son with their silence.

ask your husband to read Toxic Parents then if he still wants to, mail them then.

He may have to go through this process of sending the mail, getting it spat back at him with a load of guilt tripping and nastiness. Losing contact with your parents is a very painful thing and people generally do everything they can to get through to them before walking away ... generally after a lot of tears.

The toxic parents may give him a lot to think about, but then let him go through this process of writing the letter if he still wants to. Going LC / NC is slow process that can't be hastened until he himself is ready.

I think you need to read the book too. Their thought processes are clearly so far out of normal, sensible patterns that you're struggling to really take their behaviour in too.

I have got that book for him in the past, he hasn't read it I think he found it too relatable and it upset him, didn't like the truth.
I've read parts of it but never been able to sit down long enough to work my way through all of it.
I don't know what to do here, I don't want to get in the way but I know he's going to get absolutely nowhere with them. It so sad.

Step back a little and give him space and time to talk. To cry, if he needs to. Let him bounce his thoughts off you. He needs time to come to terms with the fact that his parents are not what he thought they were, and to grieve for that. Reassure him that their behaviour was not okay.

I do think you have to let this unfold for him in its own time.

It's difficult stepping back and letting him make himself vulnerable to their nastiness again.
I get that he needs to decide that he's had enough, I thought he had, it's been 4 years since I met him and they've made life difficult that whole time, I'm just wondering how much longer I have to go through this with him/watch his parents emotionally torture their only son.
We will be married in 2 weeks, this isn't how I imagine the run up to the wedding, it's awful. I'm emotionally exhausted as is he.

two weeks? ouch. Oh dear chamonix. I dont suppose he can put all his struggles aside for those two weeks and your honeymoon? (it would be a tall order, admittedly).

Just wondering if phrasing it something like "this is a very difficult period but right now, it's spoiling this very special time that won't come back. Is it possible to lay it on one side for now and come back and really think how to deal with it in 4 weeks' time, so it doesnt spoil our special time any more than it already has? "

Maybe it won't work, but if you think it might,then it could be worth a try.

what bloody awful parents, to do this to him. If it's any consolation, toxic people often ramp it up close to wedding times. They can't bear the idea of other people being happy, I think. :/