The sheer tedium of being in a sexless marriage

[nosexisnofun]

By sexless I mean we might sleep together once roughly every 6 weeks, normally initiated by me. H shows me little affection and rarely puts his arms around me in bed - he is all elbows while I have my arm around him. Except why should I carry on being the one to extend a hand to him which he will only occasionally squeeze or hold?

He is older than me and very tired through work but it has been like this for a long time. Do I have to accept that my "physical love life" is more or less over at 46 ?

Leaving over this would be worse as we have dc, but honestly the sheer tedium of never flirting with anybody as am probably viewed as "too old" when out and about, is getting to me. I feel asexual! Help!

Anyway just wondering if anyone relates.

banquo that is why I have not had an affair or contemplated it. Also I have very poor judgement when it comes to men, as is obvious. In the past I had lots of very good sex all with men who were very unsuitable for me. People got hurt. Me most of all. I don't trust myself tbh. It's better I don't even go there because I make a mess of things and I'm getting too old to be donig that and there are kids involved. It's okay now. We are like flatmates who are good friends. I have resigned myself to lack of sex and physical affection but to me it has to be an acceptable tradeoff because the alternative would be absolutely dire for our children and all our lives. Or no kids at all if I hadn't married my spouse and I knew the sex was dire and not frequent and there was not a lot or no physical affection associated with it. Have discovered some meaningful hobbies and a spiritual life and lots of lovely friendships. In some ways it's a relief because like I said, sexual relationships cost me a very, very great deal. It's far better for my family and for me to swear them off.

^Yesterday 22:21 insameboattoo

Name changed for this but my marriage is similar, age 48 and we rarely have sex. I get sick of initiating it and he knows it is a problem. We still hug and kiss. I'm not that bothered at times as I do my own thing and own interests etc. Perhaps it is normal and our society is obsessed by sex?^

My Dh also likes to hold hands when we're out but not at home.
I get sick of initiating it too .
I feel like a sex pest.

Our sex drives are so mismatched in the last 5 years.

Secondtimeround75 Poor you:( Been there waiting and just "what is it that she sees on that bloody telly when we have the chance"?, the children are away for the weekend we have the house to ourselves it was a nice evening out, you enjoyed yourself, and I'm her ready and waiting to give you a good time and now, just resentful:-(

I'm away with dh at weekend so will see how it goes. I think we have all been led to believe that everyone is at it 24/7 and perhaps this isn't the case.

Finally getting back to say you have all really given me some food for thought.

I am the one with the low/no sex drive here and it really is all my own issue and not my dh's-tho like I said in a pp his initial way of dealing with it definitely hurt me and our relationship. I did love it, then wasn'tttoo bothered but since ds1 I feel tired and it has dropped to the very last thing on the priority list. Sometimes it feels like such an effort. My dh has said he feels exactly as you all but I felt I shouldn't be pressured and the more he said it, the more pressure I felt and the more turned off. I know I pull back from hugs and kisses because I don't want to do more even though I love affection itself. I think some of it is to do with the loss of control and I just feel too uptight. When we do, and when we were ttc I really enjoy it tho I am definitely not very adventurous but I am passionate.

The thing to all this is I want the other kind of intimacy-closeness, sharing, affection for affection's sake but now it feels like these are given as a trade and if I don't trade, I don't get them. Reading this thread though I see he might just be completely fed up with it. It's a hard place to come back from. There's definitely a protective element to it with me though I can't work out why.

I have initiated hugs, kisses and more kindness since I read this thread-we hadn't kissed in weeks-please keep sharing, maybe share with your own ohs. It really helps to see the other side-I felt all he wanted me for was sex but you have shown me it's different. Hope I can show some of the other side too.

Secondtimearound75 if my wife did that for me I wouldn't hesitate to take her up on the offer - you sound like a pretty cool wife to me. Have been there many times - where we get the house to ourselves and all I'm thinking is it would be great to make love but, like your husband, DW will do anything but that!

Justaboy - yep been there too - almost every weekend - watch any old crap on the telly rather than get close to me. I've started heading down the pub a bit more often at weekends, which is definitely not me.
I really don't like how this situation is changing me as a person

mdocman1969 Sorry to hear that. Well for me it doesn't matter anymore as were amicably divorced now but that wasn't a contributory reason.

Single now but ever optimistic that Ms Wright will turn up;!

Mad deluded fool i hear you thunking.

And yes - maybe your right.

Apologies for my NN (it was a joke from another thread)

I have had problems throughout my adult life with libido (I'm a woman) largely due to hormonal contraception that would wipe it out.
I got used to feeling dead beneath the waist and it made me feel miserable.
I am now 43. Two years ago due to a hormone condition I had, I found a private Gynaecologist. I was seeing him due to this condition which was to result in me having a hysterectomy and would therefore need HRT.
We discussed libido and he asked whether I had ever tried testosterone gel. All the years I'd seen GPs nobody had ever told me about it nor would they readily prescribe it (a male GP told me that it isn't licensed for women's libido but it can happily be prescribed for men who want to have the edge in the gym )
Women naturally make testosterone so it isn't the preserve of men.
I was prescribed oestrogen gel (which has to be in adequate supply for the testosterone to work) and then also testosterone. It took a while *a few months, for the testosterone to work but my God it works .
I had always assumed that my lack of libido was psychological after the pill knocked it out of whack and tbh there is a psychological component because, as other posters have stated, it's a vicious circle trying to avoid 'the hand' as someone else mentioned, and when my gel runs out or my hormones are out of whack due to illness I revert to being dead beneath the waist, but it's made such a difference.
BTW for those wondering about safety of HRT, I also have the gene for breast cancer and HRT is totally safe for me to use, it won't lessen my risk of developing breast cancer but it won't increase it.
I just wanted to wade in and let you know that there IS something to try.
You need to find a prescribing Gynae but if you google 'Bio Identical Hormones' in your area you will find a sympathetic Gynae. GPs, sadly tend to be rubbish with this due to budgets.

My situation is becoming eerily similar to others on this thread. However, DH has health problems, so I feel really bad for even contemplating leaving.

Everything else is good, but this issue is starting to leave me wondering what to do. I'm only in my 30's & can't live like this forever. If I talk to him I'm made to feel like a demanding sex pest as he's ill.

After our children my wife stopped wanting to have sex but my drive was high. I was almost non existent. I would try it on and she would have none of it. In fact any intimacy such as a kiss or cuddle was generally no existent. We used to do it everywhere and try anything. We used to be adventurous and fun. We were very well matched when it come to sex and it always gave us a feeling of great connection.

Her body had changed over the years and she had got bigger but I never lost my attraction for her. I felt sad, rejected and unloved but I loved my wife with all my heart and would never leave her. I stopped trying it on with her as I thought what was the point and didn't want to put pressure on her. After all how can sex feel good if the other person is only reluctantly doing it. So I put it down to her being her and hoping for change in the future.

Little did I know till I uncovered it that she was having an affair with another man. I uncovered that behind my back she was having lots of hot steamy sex, dressing up, weekends away and naked pictures. I was heart broken. Obviously because of the affair but also so jelious of the fact that she was doing all the things I had longed for, for so long to another man. We are now seperated and I am left with wounds and demons that I fear will never go away.

I suppose the point I am trying to make is that in some cases there may be a lack of intimacy but the other half could be getting somewhere else.

Im in a similar situation but DH is now disabled. He is 65 Im 42.

We havent been physical with each other for 19 years at his instigation. I did have an affair 12 years ago after i managed to lose ten stone. The affair lasted for 4 and a half years. DH had a heart attack 9 and a half years ago and has ischemic heart disease. Last year he was diagnosed with emphysema. Its taken me 2 years to lose the 4 stone of weight i regained. Ive worked so hard to lose it that i wouldnt want to risk pregnancy or going on contraception so now this situation doesnt bother me as much as it used to. Im better with it than i used to be.

There are times like now.....the run up to Christmas where i start to think it would be nice to have a bit of romance.

But mostly im OK.
BUT im the sort of person who has to have an emotional connection with someone so i couldnt just have sex for sexes sake. I had a connection with my ex OM.

But i once had a one night stand which REALLY messed with my head so sex for sexes sake is not for me either.

Justaboy you sound like a nice person (as do others here) and i hope you find someone you like.