The sheer tedium of being in a sexless marriage

[nosexisnofun]

By sexless I mean we might sleep together once roughly every 6 weeks, normally initiated by me. H shows me little affection and rarely puts his arms around me in bed - he is all elbows while I have my arm around him. Except why should I carry on being the one to extend a hand to him which he will only occasionally squeeze or hold?

He is older than me and very tired through work but it has been like this for a long time. Do I have to accept that my "physical love life" is more or less over at 46 ?

Leaving over this would be worse as we have dc, but honestly the sheer tedium of never flirting with anybody as am probably viewed as "too old" when out and about, is getting to me. I feel asexual! Help!

Anyway just wondering if anyone relates.

Just wanted to ask the people on this thread what you think about leaving a marriage due to lack of touch.

It's the lack of affection which gets to me - night after night of dh getting into bed next to me and never ever extending an arm. Ditto the morning when I put my arm around him and he doesn't move. It's the never sharing a hug or being phoned just to say hi or really factoring me into any of his emotions. He doesn't do Birthdays or Christmas either because they don't mean all that much in his family. Before we got together he told me he does not know how to be in relationships in general - I should have listened (though to be fair we were much closer in the first few years).

But leaving would be devastating for all of us, me included. Would it be selfish? It would take about a year for me to get myself together enough but the fall out would be awful and would damage me too let alone the dc.

(The birthday thing is a red herring I know).

It's a valid enough reason. However maybe state this to him and tell him you can't live like this anymore and if things don't improve then it may be better for both you and the children if you split.

Nosex, some people do end up leaving because of this, probably because it starts to infect other aspects of the relationship. Personally I hate the idea of what impact it would have on my children.
So for the moment we just carry on and I will bring it up every few months - I reckon eventually my libido will go anyway. I feel I'm already shutting off that part of me that craves intimacy. It does sadden me to think that if I wind forward 15 years I could be Banquo54.

I just hope I have had some fun in the meantime, because, I agree, Nosex, it is bloody tedious.

This is a very sad subject and no one, neither male or female is to blame as it might seem. You can find no end of postings on places like Menshealth and similar where droves of men some in their 30's and 40's let alone older where the Sex and Affection used to be be very good indeed, then after that sod old Father Time took a bit of a toll the wife slowed down and despite all the things he might do assisting or even doing ALL the housework childcare, presents, gifts weekends away nothing changed for the better.

I don't know what the answer is one poster mentioned seeing Escorts and even where i live, affluent tree lined suburbs in the home counties, there was a flat full of girls in the high street! so there must be a demand. However that's not what we want it's not only the Sex its the affection that's what the really saddest part is for Both men and women.

We might be able to explain the loss of libido in the female with ageing and her child capable years diminishing etc but that dosen't explain the lack of affection shown unless of course that affection might signal that I'm sexually receptive etc which I'm really not course its not that simple but I do wonder if there may well be a component of the problem there somewhere. People are now living longer sometimes fitter then what a few generations ago were but has that fundamental changed?.

And i don't really know if its just a simple mismatch of drives its one of the problems where the are several causal factors and only one thing is certain there's no easy answer!.

Hi. Sad to read this thread. So many miss matched people.

I think if this happened to me, I'd put my thoughts in a letter and ask my partner at the end of the letter what they would do in my situation. Let them see how much it's affecting me and see if they can either come up with a solution or at the very least they would then be under no illusion of how I was feeling .

No one should feel alone and unloved in a marriage .

I'm in this position.

I'm mid twenties and I'm struggling to understand why my sex life is over already. He's affectionate but there's a definite line I cannot cross with him.

I love him deeply but I need sex to make that connection. I couldn't cheat on him I respect him far to much for that. But I just don't know how to fix this.

Mushroom, you are far too young. Please try and sort this out.

What have you done so far to try and resolve it?

Everything Absolutely everything and just nothing works. It's got to the point where it feels like he's having sex with me because he has too. Which I won't lower myself to anymore it's degrading. Just holding it together for the dcs mainly. I know that there's going to be a point soon where il either make a huge mistake or walk away.

Sorry for the hijack nosex just wanted you to know you're far from alone!

I am here too. 38, Dh is 40 so not a big age gap. Twice I wanted to leave him and said that I couldn't live like this any more. Twice he's talked me down. 18 years together, married for 15.
The difference is that he's a really really nice guy. He's like my best friend and I can't imagine my life without him. He will always be a part of it because of the kids, but I need affection, sex, flirting, feeling sexy.
He has finally gone to the Dr and there is nothing physically wrong with him. Now what?
I find myself looking for attention in all the wrong places. I haven't cheated, but I don't know for how much longer I can be strong.
I flirt outrageously.

And as much as it sounds like a cliché, I know that if I do step over that line it will be purely physical. It WILL actually mean nothing other than sex, an outlet.
Sounds awful, but it's the truth...

ForFlip

Do not let him talk you out of leaving again; you have already wanted to leave him twice.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. You must still get something from it so what needs is he meeting here within you?.

There may well be nothing physically wrong with him but even so he cannot now just abdicate all further responsibility. It sounds like he is prepared to do nothing more as there is no physical issue, is he really saying this?. If so it is really not the actions of a loving man and your so called best friend.

Having a sex based affair won't help you ultimately because you will look like the bad person in all that (and what about that other person's wife or family?). You will end up feeling even more wretched and hurt than you are now.

If you have children they are perceptive; they know perhaps all too well that things are not good between you and their dad so why can't either of you make a clean break from each other now?. Is it really selfishness or either his part or yours?.

Better to be alone than to be so badly accompanied.

Neither of you are currently teaching your children good relationship lessons, they are learning that a loveless marriage could well become their "norm" too.

Attilla, thank you. Lots of food for thought. I think this has gone on so long that I have felt vindicated as the wronged one. But you are right.

I need to make better choices. Thank you.

And sorry for hijacking xxx

Thank you for this thread. I am in your dh's position ie no interest. I recognise myself in a lot of the descriptions here and you have given me great insight. I am going to try and improve things. I have tried and unfortunately my dh's original attitude to my lack of interest didn't help and things worsened. . He is sorry for it now butIit can't be undone and it certainly chipped further it, as a previous poster imagined in these relationships. I will post again.

OP, just to add some perspective: when I was with my partner we had sex nearly every night but I never liked cuddling in bed. TBH if it had bee possible, I'd have slept (afterwards) on my own. My experience is that it is much more comfortable to sleep alone in a bed, or at least not touching. Part of your issue does not seem to be the sex itself but the cuddling. Maybe your P is just not that kind? Maybe he likes his comfort when sleeping? Just a thought.

Yes OP. This was me and I did leave. Your feelings are valid. It is ok for you to want love, sex, intimacy and affection. You are worthy of those things. Being 'selfish' is how some may see it. I see it as living my truth. Being free to express myself. Showing my dc how to have self respect. It has not been easy since splitting. I have realised that I stayed so long in an affectionless place because of low self esteem. This has since led me into relationships with people who were not good for me. I have had to learn the hard way that I need to have good boundaries in terms of the way I allow people to treat me. I am single now and working on myself. My Dc have had ups and downs. They are happy children and have adjusted to mummy and daddy living separately. My youngest will not accept me having a boyfriend yet but I'm told that won't last forever. So it's not been plain sailing but I can tell you this. I am a better mother to my dc because I am not dying inside. I am not exhausted by upholding a pretence that I am fine, that my relationship is fine, and that I am happy and 'normal'. Screw 'normal', I am me. I can talk to my friends about how I feel and say I feel lonely, I miss sex, I need a hug, I want to meet someone nice and they are good to me. They validate my feelings and we laugh about it. I am free to be me. I have never regretted leaving him. I regret hurting him. But that had to happen because it is right that I get to live my truth and be me and see where that takes me. I hope my dc will live that way too.

I've been in a relationship for nearly 12 years, with a man who lost his libido 11 1/2 years ago. Very little affection, if I go to him for a cuddle he'll cuddle me back, but rarely instigates it.
We had 6 months of wild sex. Then it would only happen when he'd been drinking, when I dared to say I found that a bit insulting, he actually said "I won't bother at all then".
For the past decade it's been every 8 weeks or so.
I won't hijack your thread with my long story, but he has literally broken my heart and turned me into a crazy bitch.
But I had an affair a couple of years ago. He was also married, he'd had a good sex life but she had never initiated it. However, something had happened (I can't say what because it would possibly out them) and they hadn't had sex for several years. It was a three month affair, we had sex twice, it was fantastic feeling that someone desired me, cared and worried for me.
However, the guilt set in, I ended it, and told my partner everything. He had not suspected anything, I worked shifts, the OM was retired, and we met in the daytime. I told him the absolute truth, why I'd done it, and said he could walk away from me, or we could use it as a starting point to improve our relationship.
Nothing changed.
18 months ago I had ovarian cancer, had a surgical menopause, 8 weeks ago I had a double mastectomy. Now I have vaginal atrophy, and although I've had breast reconstruction I think I look like a freak.
For a million and one reasons we are splitting up, but I don't think I'll ever be able to have a sexual relationship again, partly because of the pain, and also the fear of being naked, both physically and mentally, in front of anyone ever again. I'm 52, still very young in mind, active, people are often surprised when I tell them my age, but I feel like a washed up "has been".
I'm bitter. So bitter that I gave so many years to someone who couldn't appreciate me.
So my advice to anyone in this position, is that unless the rest of the relationship is nearly perfect, is to get out before you end up regretting staying.

OP

You are not alone. But this is my concern for you ( and what happened in my marriage)

The lack of this intimacy and closeness over time spreads into other parts of the marriage. Emotional closeness especially. In hindsight it was the beginning of the end for my STBXH and I.

I now know there was a few determining factors that played a part in what to this distance getting worse and worse. Firstly my ex suffers from exceptionally low self esteem. Second of all he had sexual needs (fairly extreme) that he was having met elsewhere. I'm not at all saying that this is what is happening in your case. But something is going on here and he needs to be honest about what.

Because a total lack of affection in a relationship is not at all healthy and it's actually completely unfair. In hindsight I cannot believe I put up with it. Everyone has every right to receive affection in a relationship.

Oh and I too am in agreement with cherrytree re the sadness and anger. That I spent years not having great sex, experiencing the closeness and happiness that comes with that. While he was off having his sexual kicks.

My only saving grace is that he was caught. And when caught, the fact that we hadn't been intimate for so long. Thank the Lord.

ive always thought this was mostly a woman's issue - libidos disappearing Alfie hormones, childbirth, tiredness. I'm shocked at how many men are rejecting the advances of their wives/partners. It's certainly opened my eyes, and now makes me less able to accept these excuses from my wife. What to do about it? Well, I'm now up for a FWB - not actively looking, but if opportunities present themselves in future, I wouldn't be so inclined to refuse to act on them. I realise this sounds selfish, but then so are the partners who are doing the rejecting. Why should the low-sex drive partner get to set the dynamic in the relationship without giving a shit?
Maybe the people on this thread should set up a dating network

No idea how -"Alfie" appeared in that post. Spellcheck

Thanks for all the interesting posts (not that they were all for me but you know what I mean). A couple or people have apologised for hijacking but it's really not like that - I am glad people are able to share and unburden.

Feel oddly a bit better that I am not the only one in this position though that's not great as others are emotionally and physically lonely as well. I should know that I am not the only one as my last thread on lack of affection (it's a recurrent theme for me - sigh) had 188 posts on it .

I was thinking this morning that u should channel all my energy into making my own life as good as possible and try to view dh as a relative you are a little distant from but who is attached to your dc (like my SIL for example). Someone you have to be polite to but from whom you expect nothing . I basically have to stop wanting any kind of physical affection but not become bitter. Who knows where my life will lead me if I really put my back into making it more interesting independently of dh?

cherrytree what you have been through sounds so hard .

I not u!

I can't believe how many people are living in sexless relationships. It must be like living with your brother/sister. I would urge anyone in this situation to get out and seek romance elsewhere. It is a fundamental part of a relationship, to have sex/intimacy/kisses etc etc. Unravelling your lives and finances may be a pain in the bum, but it can be done. I did it after 20 years with ExH. I am now in a much better relationship, and whilst shift patterns sometimes mess up how often we can DTD, it is full of love and passion and it has been this way for the 7 years we've been together. I can't imagine not having that side to our relationship. It would drive me mad. We all deserve to be with someone we fancy the pants off and can't wait to DTD with. I would urge people to leave and find the real deal. It's out there. You just have to be brave enough to leave the person you're with and go seek a romantic partner.